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There was a soft tap on his thick oak door, drawing Howie away from his drug-induced slumber. He found it easier to pull away from the mental anguish and physical pain of his accident. None of the doctors had given him hope for a full recovery. Despite his family’s advice, Howie had traveled over the city in hopes to find at least one good report. However, his exhausting traveling had ended with a dead end. All the conclusions pointed toward a wheelchair. Most of the doctors told him to gain his strength back and try to move on in a different direction with his life. Howie found it impossible to accept the advice. Were they that blind to believe that Howie would accept his fate and turn away from the one love of his life - performing?

The diagnosis was fatal to Howie’s usual charisma and personality. He seemed to be a shadow of his former self. Nothing seemed to thrill him any longer. He thought that God had betrayed him in the cruelest of ways. He decided to turn against God, too. Now, he just stayed in the bed underneath the hypnosis of his pain medications.

Sadly, all the memories came flooding back into his mind when he was drawn away from his deep sleep. It hurt to remember that his dreams had been rudely snatched away from beneath his feet, causing him to fall heavily against the cold reality. Howie quickly suppressed a sob of defeat and brought a heavy hand to his forehead.

“Come in,” he mumbled pathetically.

Carefully, his sister “ Pollyanna “ and his girlfriend “ Darcy “ peeked into the room. Darcy immediately barged into the room as if it were familiar territory and took her rightful position at the foot of Howie’s bed. She stared at him with a mixed emotion of disgust and apathy, though Howie never recognized the signs. Darcy seemed to resent Howie’s dehumanization since the accident. The family had often tried to show Howie the true colors that Darcy represented, but he was blinded by love. Pollyanna often thought that the woman had leeched onto Howie because of his bank account, though she never voiced her impression. Pollyanna shot an angry glare toward Darcy, but Howie was too depressed to notice that his family disliked Darcy from the beginning. Instead, he invested his time and love into a woman that would drain the rest of his personality away until he was of no use.

“Hey, Baby-Bro,” Pollyanna cooed, wiping away her thoughts. She gently leaned over Howie’s bed to place a tender kiss on Howie’s pale cheek. She had hoped Howie would wake up while his band-mates were visiting. They had been devastated by the news of Howie’s condition, knowing that Howie’s life had been completely rearranged without his consent. The boys genuinely cared for Howie as if he was a blood brother, but Howie’s grief had blinded him from that truth. Pollyanna hoped that the boys would at least give Howie some of his spark back if nothing else.

“What time is it?” Howie asked.

“It’s about five in the afternoon. How do you feel?” Pollyanna asked.

“I’m in pain,” Howie complained, but Pollyanna wasn’t shocked. His body ached from the trauma. His doctor explained that he would be sore for several months while his body tried to heal itself. He would also have phantom pains in his legs from the nerve damage. The best that the family could do was supply him with some painkillers in hopes to dull the pain for awhile.

“I know that you’re in pain, sweetheart. But the doctor said that you should be sitting up for awhile to get yourself back into the swing of things. Maybe I could have John come in and sit you up in your wheelchair””

“DAMNIT, POLLY! THAT’S NOT MY WHEELCHAIR! IT WILL NEVER BE MY WHEELCHAIR! I AM NOT CRIPPLED! DO YOU HEAR ME?!” Howie exploded in outrage without any warning. He refused to use the metal box as a way of getting around. He would be damned if he ever became confined to a wheelchair to enable mobility.

“Howie! Calm down!” Darcy hissed.

“I WILL NOT BE CALM! I WOULD RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN USE THAT DAMN CHAIR! DO YOU HEAR ME?!” Howie ranted with more fury. He refused to be silenced by two women. His voice would be heard, even if the doctors would not believe him. He would walk again, even if it killed him.

“Howie! Please!” Pollyanna protested with a pained expression. It hurt her to see her brother in such a miserable state. He had completely transformed from a kind young man to a hellion of bitterness. Pollyanna shot a glare to Darcy for help, but Darcy backed away. Pollyanna sighed with anger, knowing that Darcy would never be of use. Pollyanna reached out and covered her hand against Howie’s hand. “Howie, just listen to me. You need to get up and start moving. You’ve been in this bed for two weeks straight since you came home from the hospital. It’s not good for your recovery. Mom and dad are broken in two, because they don’t’ know how to help you. Stop pushing us away. We love you and want to help. Why won’t you let us help?”

“Because you can’t give me back my legs, Polly!” Howie hissed in frustration. He was tired of the delusions his family weaved about him being able to make a full recovery. His family only tormented him with the pain of his loss. Darcy always told him to stop moaning and get over the loss. His mother wept for him. His father prayed constantly at his bedside. His siblings acted as if nothing were wrong with the situation. No one bothered asking Howie what he thought or needed. They were too busy and entangled in their own problems of Howie’s accident. They were driving him completely insane.

“Howie, I know I can give you back the ability to walk, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic!”

“Polly””

“AJ, Kev, Nick, and Brian are here,” Pollyanna blurted suddenly, unable to cope with Howie negative emotions any longer. She needed a break or she would go insane. The boys had to come in before she started yelling at her little brother. She feared she might say something she would regret later. She just wasn’t used to seeing Howie so pessimistic. She wanted her brother back, but feared that it was too late.

“Excuse me?” Howie growled.

“The boys are here to visit. They want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Tell them that I’m sleeping,” Howie ordered.

“Too late,” a husky voice called out into the room. Howie glanced upward to see his four best friends and band-mates shuffle forward into his master bedroom. He groaned inwardly, realizing that AJ had been the first one to speak. He was amazed at the boldness of the group. They stood in the room, but they all looked at the floor. They seemed unable to look Howie directly in the eyes for fear of the guilt they might feel.

“You didn’t have to come,” Howie told them with a bitter roll of his tired eyes. He expected as much from the boys. When they glanced down at the cold sheet outlining his useless legs, they winced because they saw failure. Howie was well aware of the boys’ feelings toward his failure or any type of failure for that matter. Without the ability to walk, dance, or move “ Howie couldn’t continue to be a music entertainer. The questions lighted against his friends’ eyes. Could he still remain a part of the Backstreet Boys? Would he be able to do tours? Could he even get away from the maniac fans if need be? Would the group breakup because of Howie’s failure?

“We wanted to come,” Kevin, the eldest of the boys, announced. He shifted his gaze away from Howie’s worthless legs to finally look into his eyes. The rest of the boys waited for Kevin to continue, knowing that he would lead them in the right direction. Kevin was immediately troubled with the deadness radiating in Howie’s usually warm eyes.

“How are you?” Brian asked when Howie said nothing to Kevin. He, unlike Kevin, avoided Howie’s eyes. Brian was the most religious Christian in the group and always had faith in God’s decisions. However, Brian was having trouble accepting God’s plans for Howie. How did God want Howie to succeed in his singing talents if Howie couldn’t move without a wheelchair? Brian didn’t think it seemed fair for God to punish a person as loyal to God as Howie was.

“Brian, I can’t feel my legs and the rest of my body has been beaten to Hell. How do you THINK I am?” Howie snapped with an irritated growl.

Pollyanna winced as the boys backed away from the bed. They could already see that Howie had no plans of accepting them back into his crumbling life. AJ still felt too guilty to speak to Howie and he moved himself to stand next to the door. AJ had still blamed himself for Howie’s condition.

“We’re sorry, Howie,” Nick whispered painfully.

“I am, too,” Howie grumbled.

“Howie!” Pollyanna scolded, giving the boys an apologetic look. She had hoped the boys would raise Howie’s weak spirits, but they only seemed to crush his spirits further into the dirt. Her plan was failing miserably. Howie was not willing to cooperate with anything or anyone. He just wanted to be left alone to sulk in misery.

“Polly, I’m tired,” Howie complained, ignoring Pollyanna’s glare.

“But, Howie”” Pollyanna felt lost as she tried desperately to complete her plea.

“Wait, it’s okay, Polly. It’s late anyway. We should be getting back. We have some things to get around to tomorrow,” Kevin interrupted, knowing that Pollyanna was floundering. The boys passed Kevin worried glances, but Kevin shrugged his shoulders. He gave Pollyanna a quick kiss on the cheek, whispering softly, “Thanks, Polly. It was worth a shot and don’t blame yourself. After all, it was great to see you again.”

“Come back soon,” Pollyanna asked.

“Of course. It was great to see you, too, Darcy,” Kevin told Darcy, finally noticing that Darcy had been sneaking around the shadows. She gave a quick flick of her wrist to represent some kind of dismissal. Kevin suppressed a groan and rolled his eyes. Darcy had always seemed flaky to the boys. They didn’t approve of her, but still managed to support their friend in his decision to date her. “We’ll see you late, D,” Kevin announced.

“Bye, D,” the boys chorused meekly.

“Goodbye,” Howie called, watching with relief as the boys disappeared behind Pollyanna. Something in their eyes haunted him, because Howie knew the truth. He slumped backward onto his pillows, closing his weary eyes. He knew that the boys wouldn’t be coming back from the guilty looks expressed in their hollow eyes. They were band-mates after all. They were forced to bond in the beginning of their band relationship. They were not true friends that Howie decided to create a relationship with. Once their ties were broken from the band, their friendship would be over. Howie should have expected as much from them.

Howie finally opened his eyes to see Darcy gathering her things from his room. She hurriedly dumped her piles of makeup into a small leather case and rushed to gather her clothing from his closet. His heart jumped with worry. Something about her gestures frightened him. He didn’t want her to leave, too. “Baby? What are you doing?” Howie asked worriedly.

Darcy glanced up as she stuffed some of her skirts into a suitcase. “Sweetie, I’m leaving.”

“Why are you leaving?”

“I need to go to work, Honey.”

“But””

“I’ll be back in a few days,” Darcy giggled,
snapping the suitcase shut. She hurried to Howie’s bedside, pressing a quick friendly kiss on his forehead. She smoothed out his curls before heading back toward the door. “I need a few days to get gowns ready for my clients and you need to rest anyway. Make sure that you take good care of yourself. Okay, Babe?”

“But””

“Love you!” Darcy bellowed, hurrying out the door while slamming it shut.

Howie slumped further into his pillows, feeling tears gather at the corners of his eyes. It felt like the entire world was caving in on him. There seemed to be nothing left for him. His life was quickly passing him by while he waited for his damn legs to wake up. Growing furious at his predicament, Howie slammed his hand into his leg. He felt nothing in his leg from the painful blow and he wept alone, again.