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"God I look like shit." He mumbled, shaking his head. He took in the bags under his eyes, looking strikingly dark against his pale skin. The gaunt, unhealthy look he had aquirred, his body much too thin for someone of his height. The dullness of his eyes, the child-like spark no longer present, having ebbed away long ago. Anger boiled up inside of him as he continued to stare, his eyes narrowed. He hated this. Hated everything he had become. Hated what it was doing to him. Hated what it was doing to his brothers. A low growl escaped from between his lips as his fingers curled around the closet thing object to him, one of AJ's hairbrushes. "I hate this." He breathed. "I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!!" His voice rose to a loud scream, breaking as it turned into an a high pitched cry. Without even realizing what he was doing, he brought the brush forth, slamming it into the mirror with all his might, not even flinching as the object shattered into a hundred pieces, glass spraying all over him.

"What the FUCK was that?!" AJ was running back into the bathroom at the sound, Kevin, Howie and Brian all behind him and all stopping short at the doorway, their eyes wide. "Holy..." Shaking himself out of his stupor, he stepped into the bathroom, the glass crunching under his feet. "Kaos...what did you do?" He slowly placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, his eyes going even wider as Nick whirled around, shoving him off.

"My god," Brian was whispering, unable to move.
"Don't touch me."
"What? Nick, you've got cuts all over you." AJ sighed as he moved forward again, only to be met with another shove back. "What is WRONG with you?" Kevin made to finally move forward to help AJ out, being held back by Howie, a frown appearing on his face.
"Let go D."
"Let AJ handle it."
"What?"
"Just let him handle it Kev." Howie sighed, nodding slowly.

"I said don't touch me!" Nick shrieked, his blue eyes narrowed. "Just leave me alone." A frown washed over AJ's features and he slowly shook his head.
"I'm not going anywhere Nick." The rebel reached forward and grabbed Nick's arm, giving him a small tug. "This is ridiculous." Pullling Nick towards him, he moved towards the bathroom door, pushing his way through his other 3 friends, who slowly followed him.
"Let me GO!" The blonde was fighting him, struggling against the hold. "AJ! Let me go! Fuck you-"
"Shut up Nick." AJ snapped, wrenching Nick out of the hallway and into the main room, tossing him down onto the couch.
"What is going on?" Kevin asked softly, as he, Howie, AJ and Brian all stood before the younger man. "I don't want to talk about it." Nick muttered, getting to his feet quickly. "I just want to be alone." Biting his lip in an effort to keep his temper in AJ shook his head, placing a hand on Nick's chest. "AJ I'm warning you-"

"What? What are you gonna do?" The older man was glaring, his brown eyes meeting Nick's narrowed blues. "Knock it off and talk to us Nick."
"AJ-" Brian started, shaking his head. "Don't. If he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't have to."
"Like hell he doesn't." AJ was fuming, his eyes darting to Brian before back to Nick. "He needs to tell us what the fuck is going on."

"I don't WANT to talk!" Nick cried. "All we ever do is talk! Talking isn't going to help anything! Talking isn't going to make this better!"
"Nicky," Kevin sighed, moving forward. "Baby-"
"NO!" The younger man shouted. "I hate this! I hate my life! I hate all of you for making me go through this! It's all your fault! ALL OF YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!" All four men had gone completely silent at the statement, none of them expecting what Nick had said.
"What are you talking about?" Brian breathed, hurt washing over him. "We never...how is this..."

"YOU, KEVIN, HOWIE AND BRIAN ARE THE REASON I'M LIKE THIS! YOU'RE THE REASON I'M SO SICK! BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO FIGHT! BUT I'M NOT THAT STRONG!" Nick was screaming, "I'M NOT THAT STRONG! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO! I'M GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS BECAUSE OF YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
"You don't mean that," Brian was shaking his head, his blue eyes wide as he looked at his best friend. "Nicky, we never...we just want you to be okay."
"DO I LOOK OKAY?!" Nick roared, throwing his arms out. "LOOK at me! Does THIS look okay to you?"
"Nick calm down, okay? Stop yelling." The eldest man was soothing, trying to get the youth to sit down. "Look, we can all talk about this but just-"

"Shut UP! Kevin!" Nick's temper was through the roof, his chest heaving as he glared at his eldest friend. "I am NOT your father! Stop trying to save him through me!" Kevin recoiled at the words as though he had been physically hit, his emerald gaze going wide.
"Nick!" Howie hissed, "That was completely uncalled for! You-"
"I'm NOT your sister either Howie!" Nick rounded on the Latino, "Just because you couldn't save her doesn't mean you have to bust your ass ten times harder to save me!"
"Alright, that's ENOUGH!" Brian was demanding, his features drawn into a large frown. "Nick, knock it the hell off! Where do you get off saying any of that?"
"What the fuck is your problem?" AJ demanded, nodding slowly.
"What is my problem?!" A manical laughter slipped from Nick and he smiled, "Helllloooo? I'm dying, remember?"

"This is bullshit." The rebel muttered, giving Nick a small shove towards the patio doors. "Out. Get out. We need to talk."
"I told you I-"
"I don't give a FUCK what you said Carter. Get. Out." AJ shoved Nick again, opening the doors and stepping out before shutting them behind him.
"Now explain all of that."
"I don't-"
"You're trying to shove us away Nick. And it isn't going to work. Now either you explain what the fuck you were thinking saying all that bullshit in there or so help me god, cancer or no cancer, I will kick your ass."
Nick just stood there, not saying another word, way to upset to even think of things he could say to A.J. who looked at him as if he seriously was about to hit him. “Well? What the HELL were you thinking Nick?”

~~~~

The other three men stared at each other in shock. They couldn’t believe he had actually spoken those words, those accusations. Were they trying too hard?
The eldest let out a huge sigh. “I-I can’t take this anymore. I’m outta here.”
“Kev, don’t.. he.. he didn’t mean those things.”
“Brian, say that again as if you believe that yourself.” The eldest looked at him, his eyes filled with hurt, knowing his cousin couldn’t convince him or himself for that matter. To Kevin, it felt like Nick had cut him open, then ripped his heart out and crushed it beneath his feet before putting it back in his chest, leaving the wound unstitched. “I’ll be home if you need me.” He got his carkeys out of his left pocket and walked over to the frontdoor, turning around one last time to witness the argument between the two youngest through the glass backdoors before he walked out of A.J.’s house.

“Well? I think we deserve an explanation, Nick.” A.J. stared at the youngest, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “Listen, I can wait, I have all night. We are NOT going back in there before you explain why you threw that ridiculous fit. The fact that you are sick, doesn’t give you the right to walk all over their feelings.”
By now, the cold and nausea gave Nick the feeling as if the whole world was spinning, so he slowly sat down with his back resting against one of the glass doors that gave excess to either the living room or the backyard, feeling defeated for he knew A.J. wouldn’t let him go inside before he told him what was going through his mind. “I’m tired, Jay.” He whispered while rubbing his temples.
“Right now, I couldn’t care less, Nick. We are NOT going back in there before-”
“Not that kinda tired,” the youngest interrupted. “I can’t fight anymore. My body, my spirit won’t let me. All I want is some rest.. from all of this freaking bullshit.”
A.J. sat down next to his friend, thankful that he was finally talking to him, even though he wasn’t sure of what to say. “Nick, we’re here for you. We want to help-”
“Don’t you see, Jay.. you can’t help me.. Nobody can.”