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Howie was staring blankly at the magazine he was currently holding, one of his legs stretched out before him, the other bouncing up and down in trepidation. His body sat low in the chair, one hand idly tapping the armrest as his eyes routinely glanced at the watch on his wrist, muted sighs leaving him. He couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't focus since Brian and Nick had left. He considered pulling his cell phone out, quickly dismissing the idea when he glanced over at Kevin, the older man having threatened him with bodily harm if he heard the sound of Howie's keys clicking again. A frown took place on his face and he looked at the magazine again, scowling when he suddenly noticed it was open to an article on NSYNC. Flipping the pages, he rolled his eyes before letting out a long breath, tossing the magazine down and sighing in exasperation.

"Would you stop sighing?" The older man snapped, shooting a glare at Howie who glared right back. "Only if you take the stick out of your ass." Came the retort as Howie shook his head, "I'm getting sick you snapping at me every two seconds. Chill out Kevin."
"Chill out?" Kevin repeated incredulously, "Chill out?! How the hell do you expect me to relax knowing what we're waiting for? Jesus Christ Howie, don't you get what all this is coming down to?"
"I know exactly where all this is going."
"Then how could you even expect me t-"
"Because being an asshole isn't going to save Nick!" The Latino half yelled, his brown eyes blazing with frustration. "Dammit Kev, I'm just as worried as you are! Stop thinking you're the only one that gives a shit. I've got a news flash for you; you're not." Kevin directed his angry emerald gaze from Howie to the floor, a large frown on his face as he remained silent. Uncrossing his arms, he raked his hands roughly through his hair, tugging on it as he let a groan mixed with a sigh escape him, his head falling back slightly as he shut his eyes.

"I'm sorry D." Kevin mumbled softly, rolling his head to the side and attempting to smile at his younger friend. "I'm just so worried about everything," He trailed off with a long sigh, "I have this image in my mind. This picture of Nick walking out and telling us there's nothing the doctors can do. You know? And it just makes me...numb. Like how I felt when my Dad died." Howie nodded understandingly as he got to his feet, falling into a chair closer to Kevin. "Then I start thinking...if this doesn't work, then what? I mean, do we keep trying?"
"You think we shouldn't?" He was rewarded with a small shrug from the older man.
"I want to but it's kind of up to Nicky."
"You haven't really been thinking like that so far." Howie pointed out, shrugging himself as Kevin rolled his eyes. "I'm just saying."

"Where do you think AJ is?"
Howie blinked at the abrupt change in subject, forcing himself not to roll his eyes. There went Kevin's brick wall again. The younger man sighed instead, moving around in his seat as he tried to get comfortable. "Walking around, like he said, I suppose."
"Is AJ still smoking?"
"Not my place to say."
Kevin groaned at the response, his gaze sweeping over his bandmate as he shook his head in disbelief. "You're kidding me, right? He's still smoking?"
"Kev-"
"God, that kid can be so stupid! What if we end up going through all this shit again like 10 years down the road but with him? How could he even....I mean, knowing DAMN well that Nicky is in the position he is right now because of..." Kevin's sentence trailed off into silence, his mouth snapping shut in a firm line as he shook his head again.

"The doctor's never said Nicky's smoking was the factor that caused the cancer." Howie said softly, his eyes on the floor.
"He has lung cancer Howie, what else could have caused it?"
"I don't know. Listen, just cut AJ some slack Kevin. He's trying but he's stressed out."
"That's not an excuse."
"It can't be easy to see Nick at his lowest lows. AJ's still so much of a kid, I mean, he's only a couple of years older than Nick."
"I know." The two men fell silent for a few moments, both of them at a loss for words and glancing at the clock, sighs leaving them separately.

"You know," Howie began, turning to face his oldest friend. "I've been thinking, Kev. You remember the day Nick completely lost his temper with us?"
"Which day?" Kevin asked dryly, causing Howie to roll his eyes.
"The day he collapsed at AJ's." Kevin had to force himself not to wince at the memory, knowing he would never forget the panic that had surged through him when Brian had told him what had happened. Never forget the images that had flashed slide show like, before him as he drove to the hospital. Memories of Nick as a shy, little 12 year old; as a goofy teenager, always playing pranks; and a mature and level headed young man, who was so much more than many gave him credit for.

"Kev?" Howie's address broke him from his thoughts and he cleared his throat, nodding slowly. "What about it?"
"I was just thinking...maybe Nick was right in what he said. You know? About how we're pushing so hard to make up for losing Caroline and your dad."
"I'm pushing Nick because I don't want him to die, Howie. I assumed you felt the same."
"That's not what I mean and you know it."
"I'm not trying to make up for my father in anyway."
"Not even in the smallest way? Kev, you were like Nick's age, younger, when you lost your dad. And there was nothing you could do about it. Can you honestly sit there and say that all your researching and phone calls to find Nicky a doctor that could help him didn't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that this time you CAN do something?" Kevin had gone rigged in his seat at the words, his face pale. "I keep trying to unassociated Caroline with Nicky but the more I think about it, the more I realize I think I AM pushing Nick harder so I don't have to go through all that pain all over again."

"No one wants to go through the pain of losing someone." The eldest man forced out lowly, his green eyes staring straight ahead. "Yes, I was helpless when I lost my father but that has nothing to do with Nick."
"I think it has a lot to do with Nicky." Howie countered slowly, almost as if he were afraid to speak the words. "Maybe this is your way of making it up to your Dad. If Nick makes it, it'll be like your Dad making it."
"Don't you dare, presume how I feel about all this." Kevin growled as he whipped to face Howie, his eyes shooting sparks as he jumped to his feet. "I don't give a DAMN how much you've psychoanalyzed the situation or me. You have NO right to tell me how I’m dealing with Nick compared to my father. The two are NOTHING alike."

"You can't tell me all the work you did busting your ass had nothi-"

"I BUSTED MY ASS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT NICK TO DIE!" The older man yelled, causing Howie to jump in alarm as he cut him off. "What the FUCK is wrong with you?! What? Do you want me admit that going through all this again is KILLING me?"
"I-"
"Do you want me to admit that I hate not being able to help someone I consider to be like a son to me?! Do you want me to tell you how every time I even LOOK at Nick, I see my Dad flash before my eyes? Or how all I can think about is Nick's GODDAMN FUNERAL every time we enter a fucking hospital? Is THAT what you want?! IS IT?!" Kevin was screaming at Howie, who simply stared at him, wide eyed, his mouth open in shock.

"Kevin I-"
"Jesus Christ Howie....yes, I hated just having to sit and watch my dad die. Just like I'm sure you hated watching your sister slip away. And what, so maybe, maybe yes, that's why I'm trying a little bit harder with Nick. Trying to make sure this time the person I love makes it through. Trying to make sure this time, I don't have to watch everyone suffer and go through that loss. That feeling of unbelievable emptiness that," He stopped for a moment and choked back a sob, blinking harshly as he turned his eyes away, trying to keep his composure. "That never really goes away and that I never want to feel again. If that makes me guilty of pushing Nick harder then fine....I just don't want to lose someone else that I love with all my heart."
A few tears slipped from Kevin and he took in a shaky breath, walking to the other side of the room, his back to Howie.


"Shit." The Latino breathed, closing his eyes for a moment as he held back his tears. "We're completely falling apart."

~~~~~

AJ was crying. His body shaking with silent sobs as they ripped through him, one by one. His elbows were propped up onto the table before him, his cell phone open, discarded and forgotten. The rebel's head rested in his hands, his fingers raking through his hair as he clenched his eyes shut, willing the tears to stop. They flowed even heavier, his breath caught in his throat as he desperately tried to regain control of his emotions. His thoughts whirled through his mind, reality and wishful illusions colliding and producing a jumbled mess.

"Oh God," He choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. "Oh God..." All he could think about was what his mother had said, images of dreams he had been having flashing before his eyes. Nick's funeral, the burial...everything he was afraid of. Everything he didn't want to face. He couldn't keep doing this. All of the hiding, the pretending that everything was okay. That Nick's condition wasn't effecting him the way it truly was. The rebel half wanted to talk to someone....but who was there to talk to? Not his Mom. Brian was out of the question and so was Kevin. Howie...the older man was his best friend but AJ still didn't feel comfortable talking to him about all this. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to the breaking point, unsure of how much longer he could deal with the whole situation. "Oh God..."