~One week later~
He slowly opened his eyes, a grimace of annoyance flashing across his tired features as sunlight invaded his senses almost immediately. Groaning, he quickly rolled over, gazing around the empty room before allowing his eyes to settle on the bedside clock. A mumbled curse slipped from his grasp as he noticed the time, 3:07PM; he had slept away most of the day again. Did he even know what day it was that he had slept through? Brian shook his head at the silent question, pulling the comforters closer to his body as he curled himself up, trying to fall back into the arms of slumber. Sleep was his escape from reality; a world where Nick still existed and pain did not. It was a place he wasn’t ready to give up quite yet. The Kentuckian had almost drifted off when the sounds of heavy footsteps and muffled voices traveled through the room, causing his eyes to shoot open as he held his breath, listening intently.
“…don’t know what to do with him Kev.” Leighanne was saying softly and he heard the footsteps come to a halt right outside the bedroom door. “Howie and AJ have been here to talk to him but he barely acknowledged that they were here. He doesn’t really eat, hardly talks…he won’t even play with Baylee! It’s like Brian doesn’t see him when he’s right there. I mean, I know he’s still very upset but I’m starting to really worry about his behavior.”
“Nicky was his best friend Leigh,” His older cousin’s voice reached him sad and full of weariness. “You have to give him time to grieve.”
“I know Nick was his best friend.” She muttered and Brian could have sworn he detected a hint of resentfulness in her tone. “Everyone keeps telling me that. I’m not trying to belittle their relationship and I’m not saying he can’t grieve either. I just…I just don’t think this is the right way. He’s got to start actually dealing with the loss! Sleeping away reality isn’t going to change the fact that Nick is gone.” Leighanne paused and let out a deep breath, her voice growing soft, “I miss Bri, you know? It’s like he’s not even here.”
“Reality is really hard to deal with right now, I know.” Kevin agreed. “I’m sure Kris is reaching the short end of her stick with me. I haven’t exactly been the most chipper person.” A weak smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he shrugged lightly. “There have been plenty of times I haven’t wanted to face the world; face the fact that Nicky really is gone.” Kevin heaved a large sigh, “It seems like every time I turn around, there’s something that reminds me of him. A video game, various places, the ocean, different phrases…it’s almost unbearable.”
“But you’re still here. You’re still dealing with it all.”
“As is Brian. Everyone deals with loss in their own way Leighanne.” He let out another breath. “I was just like Brian when my Dad died. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, go anywhere, see my family…nothing. I just wanted the world to stop and I wanted to be able to stay tucked in this little haven I had boxed myself into because it meant that I didn’t have to step into reality and see he was no longer there.”
“Well that’s what I’m trying to say isn’t healthy for him to-”
“You can’t tell someone how they should or should not be mourning.” The older man interrupted gently. “Bri’s way may not be the best but if it’s how he deals right now, just let him grieve.”
“But-”
“I’ll still talk to him like you wanted.”
Brian’s heart skipped a beat at the statement and he bit down on his lip, shaking his head against the pillow. He didn’t want to talk to Kevin. Didn’t want to speak to any of them. “There are some things I need to fill him in on anyhow.”
“Like Nick’s will?” Leighanne asked hesitantly. “I really tried to get him to go the reading…he didn’t even get out of bed at all yesterday.”
“I know you did.” He rubbed her shoulder gently, sending her a small smile. “Nick’s will, yes, and some other things.” At her questioning look he raked a hand through his hair, sighing mutely. “AJ, Howie and I have been talking about things and we feel, well,” A long pause filled the air and Brian frowned lightly, waiting for Kevin to continue. “We think, it’s, well,” Kevin sighed heavily, “We think it’s time to start cleaning out Nicky’s house.”
The younger man felt his stomach drop at the words, shutting his eyes roughly as he felt the familiar sting of tears begin.
“I…already? I mean, it’s only been about a week since…” She let her sentence trail off into silence for a moment. “What does his family think?”
“His parents won’t go anywhere near the place and it’s just too painful for the kids. They’re still so young, you know? It wouldn’t be fair to have them clean out his house.” Kevin answered slowly. “Besides, his folks were barely around throughout the whole ordeal, why the hell would they step in now?” Bitterness laced itself through his words and Kevin rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t really matter anyways I guess. Nick left specific instructions about wanting us to do it.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“I just…are you sure the timing is right at the moment? I mean…it’s just…a week? It’s still so fresh…”
“It’s still fresh for all of us Leigh,” He half laughed sadly. “I don’t think there’s ever going to be a right time to do this. But it’s something we need to do; something all fiv…all four of us need to do together.”
The mistake was quickly caught but Brian heard it loud and clear. Five. They were four Backstreet Boys now…but…were they even still the Backstreet Boys? A shake of his head once again accompanied the unspoken question. The group was over and done with as far as he was concerned. Backstreet meant five, not four. He couldn’t imagine recording a song or touring or performing on stage without Nick. A few tears slipped from his grasp, trailing quickly down his cheeks. God he missed him.
“…see if he’s awake first.” Brian’s attention snapped back to the conversation taking place outside his bedroom when he heard the doorknob turn, the door creaking open as Leighanne stuck her head in, a smile darting onto her face when she noticed he was awake. “Hey honey,” She greeted, slipping into the room and walking over to the bed. Brian sat up slowly, feeling a small amount of guilt wash over him as she sat down next to him, caressing his face gently. He really had been neglecting his family lately. “I’m glad to see you awake. How are you feeling?”
“Okay I guess.” Leighanne’s smile brightened and Brian felt the guilt inside him swell. “How are you?”
“I’m better now.” She leaned over and kissed him slowly, savoring the moment before pulling away. “Kevin’s here to talk to you.”
He nodded slowly, he head hanging slightly as he sighed. “I know…I heard you guys talking.” A startled look flashed across his wife’s features and Brian allowed a weak smile to decorate his own. “It’s okay.” He sighed once more, playing with Leighanne’s wedding ring as he spoke, his fingers intertwined with hers as he kept his eyes down. “I’m sorry baby…for not being here this past week. I just…god, I miss him so much…” Brian’s voice cracked as he spoke, “It’s just so hard…I keep thinking I’ll wake up and see him again…and knowing that I never will…” He shook his head and Leighanne gently brought his chin up, her heart breaking at the tears she saw pooled in his eyes. “Oh baby,” She breathed, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“My behavior Leigh,” He continued, “I have responsibilities to you; to Baylee. I’m sorry I forgot that.”
“You also have responsibilities to yourself.” Leighanne murmured, “I know how much Nick meant to you and to have him die so suddenly like that....” She trailed off into silence as Brian winced at the words, nodding mutely. “Sweetie, I can’t even begin to understand how hard this truly is for you, but I’m here for you. If you want to scream or cry, or just sit in silence or reminisce; anything. I’m here for you.” The Kentuckian said nothing, simply pulling his wife into a hug as he held his tears back. She was so good to him. “I love you.” He whispered fiercely, praying the emotions he felt came across in the simple phrase. “I love you so much.” Leighanne smiled into his embrace, kissing him softly on the cheek before pulling back, her blue eyes meeting his own. “I love you too.” Rubbing his back she sighed mutely, “I think I should get Kevin though…I’m sure he’s getting impatient.” Brian simply rolled his eyes, a shrug emitting from his form. “I guess.” Leighanne slowly rose to her feet, gazing at her husband for a moment before nodding and walking from the room.
Brian could hear her speaking softly to Kevin before his older cousin entered the bedroom, nodding at him curtly. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Grabbing one of the arm chairs, Kevin quickly dragged it over towards the bed, sitting down heavily and leaning forward on his knees. “How’ve you been?” The younger man shrugged at the question, grabbing a shirt from the end of the bed and tugging it over his head. “Not so good, huh?”
“Of course not Kevin.” The statement had more malice in it than Brian had intended but he paid no attention his gaze hard as he spoke, the way Kevin had asked him…so nonchalant; it irked the younger man. “This week hasn’t exactly been all sunshine and roses.” The eldest allowed the sarcasm to pass for a moment, rolling his eyes briefly. “God, what a stupid question.”
“Grow up Bri.”
“Did you actually want something?” Brian snapped, his temper flaring almost at once, “Or are you just here to stir up shit and ask dumb questions?” Anger flashed through Kevin’s emerald gaze, and he straightened up in the chair, clenching his fists as he fought to control his temper.
“Look,” Kevin practically growled through clenched teeth, “I know this has been a hard week but you’re not the only one grieving for someone.” He took in a deep breath, “So don’t even try to spin it that way.”
“Go to hell Kevin.” Brian pushed the blankets off him in a huff, jumping to his feet as he made to move past his older cousin. “You don’t get it.”
“The hell I don’t! I’m not going to do this with you.” Kevin was on his feet in a flash, grabbing Brian’s arm and spinning him around so quickly that he nearly fell over.
“Let me go!”
“No.”
The younger Kentuckian struggled against the tight grip, anger and frustration hitting him as he tried to shove Kevin away. “Dammit Kevin! Let me the hell go!”
“Shut up Brian.”
“Let me g-”
“I said shut UP!” Kevin yelled, his face inches from Brian’s, his eyes blazing. “Now, you listen to me, listen very carefully,” He gave the youth a shake, “I’m NOT going to put up with you treating everyone like shit because you’re hurting. We’re ALL hurting. We all miss Nick and believe it or not, we all feel exactly like you. So grow the fuck UP and drop the goddamn attitude.” Kevin let Brian go, giving him a small shove in the process which caused him to fall back onto the bed with a low grunt.
Straightening up, he sighed, raking a through his hair as he cleared his throat, trying to simmer down. “Look, the reason I came to talk to you today, was to let you know that we’ve decided to start cleaning out Nick’s house.”
“No.”
“This isn’t up for debate.” Brian shook his head vehemently, his sapphire eyes narrowed. “Brian-”
“I won’t! I won’t do it. I don’t want to.”
“I’m not asking whether you want to or not,” The older man said lowly, “None of us want to do this. It’s something we have to do.”
“No.” The Kentuckian repeated, “It’s too soon.”
“Brian, this is going to be happening, like it or not.” Crossing his arms over his chest, Kevin slowly shook his head. “And it’s something you need to be a part of. Skipping out on the reading of Nick’s will was screwed up enough an-”
“This WHOLE thing is screwed up!” Brian exclaimed, throwing his hands up, “Are you freakin’ KIDDING me Kevin? I mean, dammit, this wasn’t supposed to BE like THIS!” His voice began to waver and he balled his fists, hitting the bed forcefully, “Nick wasn’t supposed to die…he wasn’t supposed to go yet! God…he just wasn’t…it’s not how it was supposed to be!”
“I know.” Kevin’s tone fell a few octaves, “I know.” A long sigh left him and he slowly sank back into the chair. “But the reality of the situation is that he’s gone Bri and no amount of avoidance is going to bring him back.” Green eyes sadly met blue and both men fell silent for a few minutes.
“It’ll make it so final.” The younger man finally whispered, “Cleaning out his place…it makes it so real.” A weak smile flashed across Kevin’s features and he nodded slowly. “I know.”
“What do Howie and AJ have to say about it?”
“Everyone’s in the same place Bri.” Kevin mumbled, “None of us want to do this but it’s not going to get easier. You know that. This is never going to be easy.”
“I just wish-”
“So do I.” He sighed again. “With everything I am, I wish things could be different.”
“When?”
“Tonight…we’re supposed to meet at his place at 6.”
Brian paled at the words, glancing at the clock. “Tonight?” He was rewarded with a quick nod. “Jesus Christ.”
“Do you want me to pick you up?”
“No…no…I’ll meet you guys there.” Kevin rose to his feet at the words, eyeing his cousin carefully. “I’ll be there Kev.” Brian affirmed, feeling his cousin’s gaze on him. “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
“Yeah, see you then.” He waited until he heard the door close before lying back on the bed, shutting his eyes roughly. “Jesus Christ.” Brian hissed again, his heart feeling as though it would burst from all the emotion running through him. “Jesus fucking Christ.”
~~~~~~~~~
A.J. drove immersed in silence, his nerves frayed, his thoughts running at such a furious pace he could barely comprehend them. A large, black coffee sat rapidly cooling in the cup holder before him, a pack of cigarettes tossed haphazardly onto the seat next to him lay untouched. Brown eyes focused intently on the familiar road, hidden expertly behind dark sunglasses; the urge to simply flip the car around and head as far away as possible from his destination washing over the rebel every few moments. Thunder boomed lowly in the distance and A.J. fought to roll his eyes. Of course it was going to start raining. “As if this day doesn’t suck enough on its own.” He muttered, shaking his head as he clenched the steering wheel tightly. “This fucking day, this fucking week.”
A long breath slipped from him and he brought a hand up, feeling around his goatee before redirecting his grip to the car. A.J. couldn’t recall a time when the simple idea of getting out of bed had been so unappealing. Even during his rehabilitation, with his system flushing out the toxins, all the while craving the drugs and alcohol, did he ever feel a pain this great. It plagued him constantly, every second, with every breath he took. A dull, numbing sensation that sat heavily on his heart. The worst had been during the funeral when he had had to walk up and see Nick in the coffin. A.J. shook his head at the memory, his body shuddering involuntarily. He had been sure his heart would have burst that day, emotions overwhelming him to a point where he could barely breathe.
But he had made it through. They all had. Broken, almost what looked to be beyond repair, they had stood together, the four of them, and said their goodbyes. The piercing wail of A.J.’s cell phone caused him to jump, a loud curse echoing in the quiet car as the vehicle swerved before he was able to regain control. Snatching up his phone, he glanced at it for a moment before flipping it open and bringing it to his ear. “McLean…hey….no, no I’m on my way…yeah…uh, about 5 minutes away actually…have you…not yet?” A groan left him and he turned the car slowly down a few streets as he spoke, “Well how come…what about Bri and Kev…did he talk…I haven’t spoken to any…no one has left yet?”
His expedition slowed to a halt outside the large gates and he rolled his window down, reaching out and punching in the code. “Awww, come ON man…how long is it gonna take…well no SHIT…I don’t want to be…INSIDE?! Oh HELL no… because… BECAUSE…because it’s fuckin’ CREEPY okay?”
A dark look passed over A.J.’s features as he scowled, driving up the path to the house,
“That’s not even funny Howard…no…not even a little…yes…yes I’m here…well FINE… just hurry the hell up…no…of course I’m gonna…just HURRY UP!” He disconnected the phone with a slew of choice wording, throwing it into the seat beside him as he turned the engine off, leaning back into his seat. Silence fell over him and he shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling the stuffiness of the car. “GodDAMNit.” A.J. hissed, yanking the car door open and grabbing his cell phone.
Hopping out of the car, he kicked the door shut, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he slowly made his way up to the front door. He stood there for a moment, rocking on the balls of his feet as he debated against his feelings, a shaky hand falling on the doorknob and twisting it swiftly. The sound of locks keeping predators out hit him and he frowned deeply, thinking for a second before stooping down and flipping the welcome mat over. A wry smile slid across the rebel’s features at how predictable Nick had been and he snatched up the key, quickly inserting it into the lock and pushing the door open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you sure he’s gonna show up?” Howie was sighing as he watched Kevin direct the car down the slippery streets. “I mean, are you positive? I just don’t see why we didn’t take him.”
“Because it would have been worse.” Kevin supplied, switching on the windshield wipers as the rain began to fall harder. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a dubious expression skitter across the younger man’s face and let out a small breath. “Brian will show; he knows enough to know that the consequences will be dire if he doesn’t.”
“Maybe it is too soon to be doing this.” The Latino muttered, tugging at his seatbelt as he slouched down a bit in his seat. “I mean it has only been a week since Nicky…” He trailed off and shook his head. “Maybe everyone was right.”
“It’s not going to get any easier with time, D.” The older man said softly, glancing at his friend for a moment. “Not this.”
“I know,” Howie heaved a large breath, “This just seems to make everything so…”
“Final?”
“Yeah. So final.”
“Brian said the same thing earlier.”
“It’s true. I mean,” He shrugged, “I’m still waiting for him to show up at my door laughing his ass off at how good of a prank this all was.” A small smile graced Kevin’s features and he nodded, turning down a long street. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. That this is it, you know? This is our reality right now.”
“I know.”
“Things weren’t supposed to play out like this for us.” Anger colored Howie’s words and Kevin’s gaze jumped to him briefly, “I don’t understand, you know? After all the bullshit we went through…we were at our happy ending! We were right THERE…everything was getting better and then…” The sentence fell into silence, the sound of Howie’s fist hitting the armrest serving as the end to his statement. “It’s not fair.”
“Life never is.” The Latino rolled his eyes at the words, “But there’s a reason for everything.”
“The fortune cookie proverbs don’t work real well right now Kev.”
Kevin bit his lip harshly, his green eyes focused on the road. “I know it’s been a hard week for everyone and we’re all dealing in our own ways but damn Kevin, just because you can keep every single emotion under lock and key doesn’t mean we have to.”
A tense quiet fell over the two men for a few minutes, the only sound coming from the gentle purr of Kevin’s car. “Is that what you all think?” The eldest finally asked lowly, his eyes meeting Howie’s chocolate gaze momentarily. “That I have it all under control? That I’m dealing with Nick’s death all fine and dandy?”
“Listen, Kev, all I meant was that,” Howie paused and searched quickly for the words. “You have this way of dealing, where you shut everyone out. I mean, you don’t go as far as Brian and hole yourself up in your room but it’s almost the same thing. You spout all these poetic notions about loss and life and act like this should be cake.”
“I see.” The younger man looked over Kevin warily, almost as if he were waiting for him to explode. “I just lost my baby brother Howie.”
“As did all of us.”
“And you think I’m perfectly fine with that?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Exasperation flooded through Howie’s words and he turned slightly in his chair. “C’mon Kevin, you know what I mean.”
“That I can get over Nicky’s death just like that.” Kevin took a hand off the wheel and snapped his fingers for emphasis. “Right?” He shot a look to Howie who slowly shook his head. “No? Then what do you mean?” Kevin’s tone was so calm that it sent shivers down Howie’s spine. “I mean,” He took in a sharp breath before rushing the sentence out. “I mean you should REACT. Scream, yell, cry…do SOMETHING. I mean, Jesus Christ Kevin, I don’t think I’ve seen you cry since Nick actually died that morning at the hospital! You tell us we need to let our emotions out, deal with everything that’s going on but I’m not sure YOU’RE dealing with everything. Don’t you have a reaction to any of this? Anything?”
The silence that followed his statement was some of the thickest Howie had ever experienced, the car soon coming to a stop. Looking around, the Latino was shocked to find that they were sitting in front of Nick’s house, parked a few feet away from A.J.’s car. “Um…” Pulling the keys from the ignition, Kevin played with them for a moment before settling his hardened gaze on Howie, causing the younger man to swallow harshly. “Kev I-”
“Let me get something straight with you,” The older man began sharply, “If you haven’t seen me scream, if you haven’t seen me cry or yell, or break down it’s because if I do, I won’t be able to stop.” Howie was practically on top of the door’s window, Kevin having leaned forward with every word he was speaking. Howie was practically on top of the door’s window, Kevin having leaned forward with every word he was speaking. “Do you understand that? I WILL NOT STOP. Losing Nick has been one of the most devastating losses in my life and there hasn’t been a goddamn day that’s gone by that I haven’t wanted to just curl up into a ball and die.” He was jabbing a finger into the Latino’s chest now, his eyes blazing, “Don’t you dare tell me I’m not dealing with everything. You don’t even know the fucking HALF of it.” And with that, he was out of the car, striding up the walk way and towards the front door, leaving a stunned Howie in his wake.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Nijntje: Life's been crazy for my co-writer.. work, school and stuff like that. But between all that, she managed to write an awesome chapter. And.. it's NOT the end yet.. Enjoy and please review!!
