AJ broke out of his thoughts as a clock began to chime, the monotone rings echoing in the silent home. Sighing softly, he rose to his feet, placing the picture back on the mantle and making a mental note to copy it; it was the last one they had taken together. He bit his lip at the thought, a familiar sinking sensation pooling in the pit of his stomach.
“So much for that happy ending.” He muttered, glancing at his watch as he walked towards the large front windows. Pushing the curtains aside, he peeked out, making a face at the pouring rain. “C’mon fellas…you said six…” Nothing but the sounds of the heavy downpour met his statement and he made a quiet ‘tsk’ noise, glancing up at the dark, gray clouds. “You’re trying to make this day more depressing, aren’t you?” A bolt of lightening streaked across the sky a moment later and AJ shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes.” His attention stayed focused on the rain for a few minutes, his body leaning heavily on the windowsill, the glass directly in front of him fogging up with every breath he released.
A flickering motion he caught out of the corner of his eye pulled him back to reality and he turned, staring at the solitary lit lamp, his jaw clenching shut as it flickered twice more before plunging the room into darkness. Reaching over, he felt along the wall, his hand falling onto the light plate and he flipped the switches up and down, a scowl breaking onto his face as the room remained dark. “Ooooohhhh….COME ON!” He stomped a foot in pure frustration, yanking his cell phone out of his pocket and hitting a random key. Shining the dull light around, he squinted through the darkness, heading for the kitchen. “Candles, flashlight, candles, flashlight…you gotta have something Kaos…” Tugging open a few drawers, he rummaged through them, his cursing growing more obscene each time he came away empty handed.
He was in the middle of looking through the 4th drawer when a loud ‘thud’ resounded through the house and AJ’s head shot up in surprise, his heart skipping a beat. The rebel threw the weak beam of light at the ceiling when the noise sounded again, staring at the floor above him before slamming the drawer. “What THE fuck?” He hissed, making his way towards the staircase and running up the stairs two at a time. AJ came to a halt as he reached the top, glancing left, then right before cussing under his breath and picking a direction. “This day just keeps getting better and better.” He growled, rocking the cell phone back and forth in an effort to see through the darkness. “Helllloooo?” He called out into the empty hallway. “Kev? D? Bri? Fellas? Annnny one here?” A loud crash caused him to jump and he pinpointed the noise, spinning around and coming to stand in front of a door he recognized as Nick’s bedroom door. “Guys?” His voice fell very soft and he paused hesitantly, licking his lips, “Nick?” He breathed out, almost laughing at once at his own stupidity. “I’m going insane! Completely insane!” AJ sighed, “What the fuck am I expecting? Nick’s fucking ghost? Just open the door McLean, just open the goddamn door.” He was about to do just that when the door was tugged open, a figure instantly crashing into him with a force that knocked AJ to the floor, his cell phone sliding out of his hand and clattering to the ground. “OooommmmppphhhtheFUCK?” His eyes snapped to the side as someone fell half on top, half beside him with a grunt, breathing heavily. “Christ…” Was spit out in between gasps and the younger man recognized the southern twang at once, rolling his eyes. “Oh…for the love of…” AJ muttered, “Brian?” He groped for his phone, unable to move as Brian lay covering his lower half. Twisting around, he attempted to scoot out from under his older friend, failing miserably. “Man, get off me!”
“AJ?” The Kentuckian quickly pushed himself up, “Where are you…when did…I mean…why are…how…” He paused and took a deep breath, letting out slowly, “What fell?”Brian finally asked softly and AJ could hear him patting the ground in an effort to help him find his phone.
“My phone…shit, I can’t see a goddamn thing…”
“Hang on…I think I found it…” A bright light hit the rebel in the eyes a second later and he bought a hand up to shield his face, swearing loudly. “Ooops, sorry man.” An apologetic expression crept over Brian’s face and he handed the phone back to AJ, getting to his feet before extending a hand down and tugging the younger man up. “Jeeze you scared me.”
“Has it always been this fucking dark in this house?” AJ demanded in reply, brushing his clothes off with a huff. “I mean, dammit, I can’t see shit.”
“I don’t know.” The older man admitted with a sigh. “I can’t remember the last time I was here at night.” Thunder boomed in the distance and Brian frowned, “Or during a storm for that matter.”
“What are you doing here, anyhow?”
“I thought we were all supposed to come tonight.”
“You know what I mean.” AJ muttered, gesturing around him. “What are you doing up here? And by yourself? I thought you were coming with Kevin.”
“I think Howie’s coming with Kev.” Brian offered with a small shrug. “Umm, I told Kevin I’d get here on my own.” He sighed again, “No one else is here then?”
“Noooo, I thought I was the first one here.” AJ gave his older friend a look, crossing his arms over his chest and pointing his cell upwards so it illuminated both men’s faces. “Where’d you park? I didn’t see your car out front and how long have you been here? Didn’t you hear me come in? And why, actually, are you up here in Nick’s room? I thought we were gonna go through everything together…what are you doing? Why didn’t you call and tell someone you were here?”
“What the heck is this? Twenty questions?” A light scowl broke out onto Brian’s face and he rolled his eyes as AJ simply shrugged. “Alright, uhhh,” He threw a hand up, “I didn’t park anywhere because Leigh dropped me off, and I’ve been here for about…what time is it?” AJ tipped the phone in his direction. “6:27? Um, so I’ve been here for about 45 minutes or so. I got here early because I just felt like being here alone.”
“Beccccccaaaaaauusssseee?”
“You do know you’re being an ass right now, right?”
“Sure. Answer the question.”
“This isn’t an interrogation process, AJ.” The Kentuckian muttered, shaking his head before continuing a moment later. “God, I don’t know. I just wanted to BE here…just walk around and…I don’t know…remember…things…” His statement wavered and fell into silence and AJ bit back a sigh.
“Well,” He nodded, “Yeah, okay but what was all that noise about? You fall or something?”
“I was sitting in his room when the power went off an-”
“I figured as much.” AJ interrupted, gesturing effortlessly to the open door, as he rolled his eyes and Brian frowned deeply. “Sorry, sorry, go on.”
“Anyways, he’s got stuff all over the place in there,” The older man jerked his head in the direction of the room, moving back and kicking the door open. Stepping forward, the rebel glanced inside, waving the phone around as he narrowed his eyes. “Pictures.” Brian supplied, looking over his shoulder. “Photo albums, Backstreet memorabilia, drawings…tons and tons of pictures. I don’t know what he was doing with all of it. He ever mention it to you?”
“No,” AJ shook his head, “Don’t know anything about that.”
“Well, it’s scattered all over the place…on the floor, the bed, all over the desks…it’s total chaos in there. I was looking through them when the power went out and then I heard someone yell-”
“That was me.”
“I figured as much.” Brian shot at him, mimicking AJ’s tone and the rebel smirked, “Touchè.”
“Anyhow, I couldn’t see anything so I tripped over like half the crap trying to get to the door. I knocked over a few boxes of things too.” A small laugh fell out of AJ against his will and he grinned lightly, before pulling the door shut and turning to face his friend.
“Why didn’t you just use your phone?” He waved his own cell phone for emphasis and was rewarded with a large roll of Brian’s eyes. “You don’t think I thought of that?”
“Welllll, considering the fact that you fell every other step…I’d venture to say no.”
“I don’t have it with me Einstein.” Brian snapped in exasperation, running a hand through his hair. “For god’s sake AJ.”
“Why didn’t you just use the landline?” A frustrated look passed over Brian’s face and AJ sighed, “I’m just wondering, that’s all dude.”
“Because Kevin cut off the phone service a few days after Nick…” He stopped and took in a deep breath, “He was afraid the fans would swamp the phone line leaving messages or something.”
“Oh.”
“Any more questions?”
“Naw, I’m good for now.” Brian had to resist the urge to smack the younger man, settling for simply glaring at him, a gaze which AJ chose to ignore for a few minutes before letting out a hollow laugh. “Stop looking at me like that Rok.” The rebel cocked an eyebrow at his older friend, “You woulda asked me the same type of shit.”
“Hmmph.”
“You know you would have.” Brown eyes swept up and down the hallway as silence fell over the two men and AJ let lose a long breath of air, “Where do you thi-”
“AJ?!” Kevin’s yell came thundering through the hallways and both men jumped as the door slammed shut. “Where the hell are you? AJ!! Howie and I saw your car out front…and what the HELL is going on with these lights?! AJ!!” A low whistle left AJ and he frowned,
“Man, Kevin sounds heated.” Brian nodded in agreement, a nervous look passing across his face before disappearing a moment later. Sighing mutely, AJ clapped his hands together; momentarily extinguishing the light as he cell phone was covered. “Well, looks like the gang’s all here.”
“Not really.” A pained expression colored the younger man’s face at the implication and he dropped his gaze down, shifting on his feet. “I just meant t-”
“I know what you meant.” The sound of Kevin yelling again snapped both men back to attention and AJ cleared his throat a few times. “We um, we should head back down before Kev has an aneurysm or something.” He joked lamely, expecting the blank look he received from Brian. “Yeah…” heading back down the hallway, AJ could hear Brian shuffling slowly behind him, the older man’s head down. The duo quickly descended the stairs to find Kevin standing bu the front door, his attention focused on the light switch as he flipped it up and down, muttering under his breath, cell phone in hand. “The storm totally knocked all the power out dude.” Kevin jumped at the voice, almost dropping his cell phone as he whirled around, staring at Brian and AJ in surprise.
“Where’s Howie?”
“Here.” The Latino answered, his words slightly drowned out by the sounds of wind and pouring rain as he slipped inside, his jacket dripping wet. “It’s really coming down out there.” He ran a hand through his wet hair, trying to to shake off some of the water. “You think this weather is a sign or something?” Shrugging off his coat, he glanced around the room, “Hey Jay…hey Bri. When’d you get here? I didn’t even see your car.”
“Awhile ago.” AJ answered, moving to give the two older men a quick hug, Brian following suit.
“What he said and I didn’t drive; Leigh dropped me off.”
“What were you guys doing upstairs?” Kevin slowly put his phone away, eyeing the pair as he shot a look at the staircase before directing it back to AJ and Brian. “I thought we were going to wait until everyone was here to start things.”
“Hey man, I didn’t go through anything except a few of the kitchen drawers to find a freakin’ flashlight.” AJ sighed, putting his hands up innocently.
“You find one?”
“Oh yeah Kev, but I decided the blue glow from my cell phone was prettier, so I left the flashlight in the drawer.” The rebel rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t find one.” A scowl passed over Kevin’s face and he took in a deep, measured breath. “What the hell do you think we could have been doing anyways?”
“Who are you to ask that?” Brian demanded, coming to stand next to AJ, “You asked me the same kinda crap when you found me upstairs!”
“You were upstairs alone?” Kevin’s attention immediately jumped to Brian, “Why? What were you doing?”
“What the…what is the upper level of this house accessible only to the chosen few or something?” The younger Kentuckian practically growled, throwing his hands up in complete frustration. “For heaven’s sake, you guys act like I’m some sort of criminal or something. Yes, I was upstairs by myself. And before things get blown even more out of proportion, no Kevin, I didn’t go through anything.”
“What about you?” Kevin nodded towards the youngest man, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Didn’t I just say I went through nothing?” AJ huffed. “Look, I got here and was waiting for you guys to show up. I didn’t know Brian was here and when the power went out, I heard a bunch of noise, so I ran upstairs to check it out and found Rok.”
“And I got here early because I wanted some alone time. I didn’t call because I left my cell in Leigh’s car and Kev, you cut the phone lines a few days ago.” He motioned towards his older cousin. “I was sitting in Nick’s room, looking at some pictures when the power went out and while I was trying to get out of the room, I tripped over a bunch of crap before running, literally, into AJ.”
“Tripped over what?” Howie questioned, currently in the process of trying to find a place to lay his wet coat. Seeing none, he simply laid it on the floor in front of the door, stepping around it and sending a confused look to Brian. “Was it messy in there?”
“Kinda. He has a bunch of memorabilia out and all over the place. I don’t know what it was for.”
“Any idea Bone?”
“Nope. Brian already asked me,” AJ shrugged and Howie. “Nick never mentioned anything that had to do with pictures and old clippings and what not.”
“Alright, well,” The eldest sighed and ran a hand over his mouth, glancing around the room. “We’ll worry about that stuff later, right now, we need to figure out what the hell we’re gonna do since the goddamn power is out.”
“Are we staying?”
“I don’t know,” Kevin fell against the wall with a small groan. “What do you guys wanna do?”
“I don’t think it makes much sense to go home.” AJ admitted after a moment of silence. “I mean, yeah, being here in general and then with the power out, is rather, well…”
“Creepy?” Howie filled in, grinning as AJ shot him the finger before considering the word and nodding slowly. “Basically but um, we all came here for a reason and, I dunno, maybe we can start with something small; like emptying out the bookshelves or whatever, you know?” Brian made a strangled noise at the suggestion and AJ’s gaze jumped to stare at him. “Look, I’m no more excited about doing this than you are but I’d rather just fucking start now then have to come back and start some other time.”
“AJ’s got a point.” Howie nodded. “I mean, I think the hardest thin was getting here to start.” He earned a snort of disbelief from Brian and the Latino rolled his eyes. “Bri, c’mon, this situation sucks all the way around, okay? We all get that but your attitude really isn’t helping things right now. Do you think any of us really want to do this? Quit acting like you’re the only one who’s against it.”
“Sorry.” Brian mumbled a second later, rocking back on the balls of his feet. “It just…” He trailed off and shook his head, “I hate this.”
“Join the club.” AJ heaved a sigh. “We’ve got jackets.” He clapped Brian on the back, rubbing the older man’s shoulder and getting a small smile in response.
“So we’re staying then?” Kevin confirmed, looking around at his friends, who nodded quickly. “Okay, um,” He glanced at AJ and Howie’s illuminated cell phones and frowned, “I think the first thing to do is find some flashlights or candles. Did you check all the drawers in the kitchen?” He gestured lightly to AJ, who shook his head. “Naw, I only checked a few of them.”
“I think Nicky kept the flashlights under the sink.” Brian offered softly, glancing towards the kitchen then back at the floor. “I can go check.”
“Under the sink?” The rebel repeated incredulously, “Who the hell keeps flashlights under the sink?” Brian just shrugged, heading to the kitchen with AJ trailing behind him. “I mean, under the sink? That doesn’t even make any freakin’ sense…”
Howie watched the two younger men disappear before sucking in some air and turning to face his eldest friend. “Listen, about what happened in the car, Kev, I-”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Look, I’m sorry about what I said, okay?” Howie pressed. “I was out of line an-”
“Please,” Kevin held up a hand to silence him, his green eyes roaming around the darkened living room as he pushed himself away from the wall. “It’s over and done with so let’s just drop it.”
“But I-”
“Seriously Howie,” He met his friend’s eyes sternly, “Enough.” The younger man met his stare, his brown eyes just as firm,
“Seriously Kevin,” The Latino mimicked, letting a small smile grace his features. “Would you just let me apologize? Jeeze.” The older man couldn’t help the small grin that appeared on his face and he ducked his head in an effort to hide it, motioning for Howie to continue on.
“If you must.”
“God you can be such a smart ass.”
“Is that part of your apology?” Kevin raised an eyebrow at his band-mate and a chuckle left Howie as he shook his head. “You’re unbelievable.” Howie muttered lightly. “Anyways, the thing is Kev, all I wanted to say was that I was sorry I pushed you and crossed the line. I should know better by now.” Kevin’s eyes fell to the floor and he raked his hands through his hair, tugging on it gently.
“We’re all dealing in our own ways, D.” He finally said, glancing back at his friend. “Including me…I don’t want you guys thinking I’m not hurting.”
“We don’t doubt you’re hurting Kev. It’s just that sometimes,” The younger man paused and sighed, “Sometimes, it’s just frustrating when someone doesn’t really show what their feelings are. We want…we need…to go through this together and if you have this mask on all the time,” He shrugged, “It’s hard to see that you’re on the same level as the rest of us. I know you like being the rock of the group but this is one of those times that you gotta suffer with us, not in silence or just alone at home…we all lost our brother Kevin, and it’s us healing together that’s gonna get us through it. You know?” The sounds of AJ and Brian rummaging around in the next room floated into the entryway as Kevin stayed silent for a moment and Howie shifted his stance in uncertainty, waiting for a response.
“You want to know why I don’t like talking about it?” The older man said after a long sigh. “Honestly? I mean, since it seems to everyone that I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell you know, okay?”
“Sure,” Howie nodded slowly, his tone cautious. “Why?”
“Because I’m so angry about it Howie,” Kevin began lowly, turning on his heel and heading for the living room, the Latino hurrying to follow suit. “I’m SO goddamn angry that things ended the way they did.” He started to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace and Howie watched him nervously, unsure if he liked the direction Kevin was heading. “Nick…Nick being diagnosed with cancer…I could handle. The treatments? I could handle those too. My dad dying, you know, I finally understood and came to peace with it. AJ’s addictions we overcame, Brian’s heart we fixed, every fucking obstacle that’s been thrown our way we’ve beat! But this? To get him into remission then just lose him like that?” A feeble laugh escaped Kevin and he snatched up a picture from the mantle, looking at it angrily. “THIS was how things were supposed to be.” He waved the picture from Brian’s BBQ in Howie’s direction, “THIS.”
“Kevin…I-” The younger man tried, attempting to calm Kevin down before things got out of hand.
“Not this!” Kevin cried, throwing his arms out and glancing around as he ignored Howie. “Not Nick dying, not us planning his fucking funeral, not burying him, not ending the GREATEST thing to happen to all of us because it’s just NOT going to be the same!” His tone rose with each word, the sentence shaking as rage raced through him. “Not us fucking cleaning out his house because he’s fucking DEAD!” An angry growl left him, “HE’S FUCKING DEAD!” Before Howie knew what was happening, Kevin had swept his arm across the mantle piece, sending numerous pictures crashing to the ground, Howie jumping at the sound. “This is NEVER going to be us EVER again!” He shook the frame, taking a step forward and the Latino actually stumbled back a step.
“Please, Kevin just ca-”
“And do you know WHY?!” He didn’t give Howie a chance to answer, an animalistic scream leaving him. “BECAUSE…NICK…IS….DEAD!” Kevin roared, sending the picture he had been holding sailing past Howie’s head and into the next room where it hit the wall with an earth shattering crash, a startled,
“What the FUCK?!” Accompanied by hurried footsteps sounding a moment later as Brian and AJ raced into the room, flashlights in hand, their eyes wide. “What the hell is going on in here?” AJ demanded, looking back and forth between the mess on the floor and the two men before him. “Who…who did that?!” He jabbed a finger at the broken frames and glass littering the floor, “And who the FUCK threw the fucking picture out there?!” Howie simply stared, slowly shaking his head at AJ and Brian as Kevin stood rooted to his spot, his chest heaving before he let out a few choice words. “I can’t deal with this tonight.” He spat, moving to shove past the trio as he stormed out of the room.
“Wait…Kevin!” Brian yelled, snapping out of his shock and running after his older cousin. “Kevin! Kevin wait!” He caught him as he was tugging the front door open, sliding in front of Kevin and pushing it shut. “Stop…where are you going? What happened?”
“Nothing. Get out of my way.” Kevin’s fists were clenched at his sides, his breathing heavy as he glared at Brian. “Move.”
“No! Where the hell are you going?” Brian demanded, unmoving as he met Kevin’s angry gaze, his blue eyes blazing. “Tell me what the hell happened in there!”
“Nothing.” He shoved Brian to the side, yanking the door open, “I’m done for tonight.” The younger Kentuckian shook his head angrily, scrambling back in front of him and forcing the door closed again. “Excuse me? You’re done for tonight?” A scowl surfaced on Brian’s face and he shook his head again. “Oooohhhhh no. YOU guys,” He motioned to Kevin and then to Howie and AJ, who stood behind him watching with rapt attention. “Wanted to start all this tonight. You’re not going anywhere…we stay, you stay.” A frustrated yell left Kevin, “Dammit, I said MOVE!” He hollered, slamming a hand into the door, inches away from Brian’s head. The younger man barely flinched, gritting his teeth and giving Kevin a hard shove back. “And I said NO!”
“Brian-”
“NO!” Brian screamed, his temper rising as he gave him another shove, nearly sending him crashing into AJ who jumped out of the way. “You’re NOT leaving! YOU wanted me to do this tonight…YOU guys wanted to start it all and I’ll be damned if after that crap lecture you gave me this afternoon, you turn around and freakin’ walk out on us!” He looked the older man up and down, “I TOLD you I didn’t want to do this, I TOLD you it was too early, but nooo, Kevin decided it was time, so the rest of us had to follow suit, freakin’ ready or not. Everything HAS to work on your damn schedule!”
“Brian, I’m warning you,” Kevin hissed, “Back the HELL off and just let me leave.”
“NO! I’m SICK and TIRED of you flicking your emotions on and off whenever it’s convenient to you! YOU practically forced me to come here and suffer through this goddamn hell so don’t you DARE think you can just up and leave on whatever whim you see fit!” He jabbed a finger into Kevin’s chest, “Whatever the hell is eating you up is eating ALL of us up Kevin! Ring any bells?! YOU’RE the one who told me that we’re ALL going through the same DAMN thin-”
“It was BULLSHIT! You don’t know what the fuck I’m going through!” Kevin shot back, pushing Brian’s hands off him. “NONE of you have a FUCKING CLUE!”
“What are you talking about, man?!” AJ cried, throwing a hand up in exasperation. “God, this is RIDICULOUS! We keep coming back to the same damn arguments!”
“Alright, look, just look,” Howie cut in, shooting a look at the two cousins before directing his gaze to AJ. “This is getting way out of hand.” He took a deep breath, “Kev…please…just, just tell us what you mean.” His brown eyes flickered to the older man’s form, “We all say we’re going through the same kind of pain right now in one way or another, why are you so different?” Shaking his head, Kevin moved away from the door, sitting down heavily at the bottom of the staircase, his head in his hands. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Christ almighty…you SEE?!” Brian practically screeched, “Dammit, this is EXACTLY what I me-”
“Why don’t you just try us man?” AJ suggested, cutting Brian off with an angry glare. “C’mon Train, tell us what’s up.”
“I…” The eldest ran a hand through his hair, “You know what?” He looked at each of them, “I don’t want to talk about it…you guys just wouldn’t get it. You couldn’t even begin to understand.” Both Brian and Howie opened their mouths to immediately comment, AJ waving them silent. “Oh, okay,” The rebel nodded, his temper slowly beginning to rise. “I get it, so you don’t think we could possibly be feeling what you’re feeling, is that right?” He shrugged, “Because, we…we just don’t have the same demons to deal with as you do. Am I right?”
“AJ-”
“No, no, no, no,” AJ tugged on his cap, adjusting it quickly. “No, I get it. I mean, how could we, how could I, possibly understand what you’re going through with this whole thing?” He turned in a small semi-circle, “I mean, shit, Howie lost his sister but wait…that’s has no relevance to this, right? And…and Brian, you know, Rok almost died himself but oh…oh, no, no, I forgot, that doesn’t tie into this, yeah?” A sarcastic laugh left him and he pounded lightly on his chest, “And then there’s me.”
“Knock it off AJ.” Kevin sighed, “Point taken.”
“Me.” AJ continued, whipping his hat off and taking a quick bow before smashing his hat back on his head. “The rebel of the group. The one that went to rehab…ahh, now that’s always a catchy headline but that’s not the point.” A large smile graced his features and he took a step towards Kevin, “The point is, how could I, even begin to imagine the pain you have to go through Kev? I mean, shit, all I did was take care of the kid.”
“Jay, why don’t you just drop this?” Howie suggested softly, earning a small shake of AJ’s head in response.
“All I did was take care of Nick.” He sighed dramatically, “Watch him hit his lowest point, watch him cry himself to sleep, listen to him beg God not to make him suffer anymore, hear him ask why, why he had to go through this, why we had to suffer after everything…what he had done so wrong.” AJ took in a shaky breath, “I witnessed every moment that kid suffered, I heard every goddamn time he cried out in pain, in pure agony and I watched the life just drain out of his eyes, any hope he had just slip away,” A tear rolled down AJ’s cheek against his will and he brushed it away angrily, “So don’t you dare tell me I wouldn’t understand what you’re feeling,” His voice shook with emotion as he spoke and he gave Kevin a pitiful glance over, “If anything, you don’t have a fucking clue what I’m feeling.” AJ moved to head upstairs, Kevin’s voice stopping him in his tracks.
“But did you break your promise to him?” Came the whisper and AJ turned, a confused expression coloring his features. “When that was all that mattered, did you fail him in the worst possible way you could?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I promised Nick he’d be okay.” Kevin breathed, dropping his head, “I promised him he’d make it through everything…I broke my promise. I let him down.” Howie frowned at the words and Brian squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay calm. “AJ, I never meant you…I always figured that you had to deal…I just…” Kevin trailed off and heaved a large sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all of you…it’s just this guilt…it’s tearing me up inside and you don’t…you don’t know what it’s like…” He paused and shook his head, “Knowing that I couldn’t keep my promise…knowing that I failed Nicky when it meant the most…it’s killing me.” AJ slowly took a seat on the staircase, running a hand over his face as he stayed silent, his brown eyes on the floor.
“Kev,” Brian finally got out, looking at Kevin with glassy eyes, “I promised him the same thing…why do you think this has been so hard for me? I let him down too. I was a horrible best friend.”
“Guys, we can’t…we can’t do this.” Howie said gently, attempting a small smile. “We’re tearing each other and ourselves into pieces during the time we really, really need to be standing together.”
“I think,” AJ started, his gaze on the floor. “That we all promised Nick he’d get through everything. I know I did.”
“So did I.”
“Look, no one could have predicted this bullshit outcome.” AJ clasped his hands together as he spoke, propping his elbows up onto his knees. “No one failed Nick, no one let him down. We all promised him he’d make it through to help him keep going…and he did. He kept going…Nick never gave up.”
“That still doesn’t change how I feel.” Brian frowned, “I mean, whether one or all of us told Nick he’d make it out okay doesn’t matter, the point is that he didn’t. We all let him down.”
“We didn’t let him down.” AJ repeated firmly. “We pushed that kid every step of the way…we got him into remission. Us. Our bond, shit our brotherhood, got Nick and got us, that far.”
“Yeah, and it was all in vain.” Kevin spat out darkly and AJ glanced at him briefly as Howie shook his head.
“Do you even think Nicky would have made it as far as he did without us?” The Latino suggested. “Don’t you remember what he said at Brian’s BBQ? He couldn’t have done it without us.”
“Look fellas, I, as much as the rest of you, wish we could change the way things happened, but, we just can’t. We helped Nick make it as far as we possibly could, and I think that’s something to be damn proud of.” AJ sighed again, “And what kind of friends are we if after all that, we totally fall apart?”
“All this yelling and screaming and arguing…” Howie leaned lightly against the wall, crossing his arms across his chest. “Everyone here is hurting in the same way and in different ways but we can’t keep fighting about who’s hurting more or whatever. We owe that much to Nick.”
“But how are we just supposed to keep going?” Brian questioned, falling back against the door. “I mean I know time heals but I just wish…I wish I had a sense of closure…you know? Not being able to say goodbye or anything…it’s like everything is just hanging in the air.” AJ’s head rose at the statement, and he jumped to his feet, startling the three other men.
“I’ll be right back.” He gestured for Brian to move off the front door, the older man doing so with a puzzled expression.
“Where-”
“Just hang on, I’ll be right back.” The rebel repeated, tugging the front door open and running out to his car into the pouring rain. Howie, Kevin and Brian all exchanged confused looks, and Kevin resumed his position on the stairs, leaning back against the wall tiredly.
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole.” He sighed, looking down at the shattered picture frame near his feet. Kevin gingerly picked the photo up, brushing off the glass and looking at it sadly. “I can’t believe I broke all those pictures…”
“They’re okay for the most part.” Howie shrugged, taking a seat next to Kevin, “It’s just the frames that are totaled.”
“Besides,” Brian moved past the two men, sitting a few steps up from them, “We’ve all had our share of breakdowns, you get to have some too.” He gently kicked at Kevin’s back, “Even if it is completely insane.” A small smile danced across Kevin’s face and he rubbed his eyes harshly, “Ahhhh, god, I hope we make it through this.” He ran another hand through his hair. “This just sucks so much.”
“Well thank you Kev, for the biggest understatement of the year.” AJ acknowledged, slipping back into the house with a large box in his hands. “This weather fucking blows.” He shut the door quickly, trying to shake some of the water off his clothes.
“What is that?” Howie motioned to the box, his eyebrows rising with curiosity as AJ hopped up a few of the stairs, plopping down next to Brian.
“Well, Brian said he wished he had some sort of closure and I think, that this, will help.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” The Latino mumbled, “What is it?”
“I don’t exactly know what it is,” AJ admitted, tapping lightly on the box, “I mean, I do but not totally.”
“What? AJ, what the hell are you talking about?” Kevin mumbled, rubbing his temples slowly.
“Just let me talk, okay?” Kevin swept a hand out and AJ took in a deep breath, “Nick,” He sighed, “And I, had a lot of talks during his whole ordeal about what would happen if/when he died. Around the time we found the chemo wasn’t working anymore, Nick began to get used to the idea that he was going to die for sure. And, he was terrified, that he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye the way he wanted. This,” The youngest man rapped on the box, “Is what he came up with as a way to say goodbye to us.”
“But…what IS it?”
“A scrapbook.”
“A scrap…so that’s what all those pictures….AJ! I thought you said you didn’t know anything about all that stuff in his room!” A weak smile passed over AJ’s face and he sent Brian an apologetic look. “Sorry man, but I wanted to wait until the right moment.”
“The right moment?” Brian repeated with exasperation. “How in God’s name did you decide THIS was the right moment?”
“Like I said, you said you wished you had some sort of closure and I figured this might help.”
“Have you ever seen this thing?”
“Nope. I saw Nick with it a few times but he never let me actually see what he was drawing.”
“So this…this was what Nick was referring to in his will when he mentioned something about you ‘knowing what to do with a painted secret’?” Kevin asked, “Right?”
“Yeah, basically.”
AJ slowly shook off the cover to the box, tossing it behind him. A thin layer of tissue paper wrapped the scrapbook up tightly, four crisp envelopes sitting on top of it.
“Are those letters?” Brian asked quietly, flipping his flashlight around so he could get a better look. He paled slightly as AJ picked them up, leafing through them before handing him one, a messily scrawled, ‘Frick of Frick and Frack’ across the front.
“Yeah,” AJ nodded, “One for each of us it looks like…I didn’t realize he had written letters.” He handed Howie and Kevin theirs, setting his own down on the stair. “Are we reading these now?” He looked down at his envelope, shining his flashlight down on it and smiling gently at the title Nick had written, ‘My caretaker aka Bone aka the new wuss of backstreet aka…AJ!’ a small winking happy face next to the name.
“I don’t want to.” Howie replied, very softly. “I mean, no offense to everyone…I would just prefer read it alone.” He glanced at his letter, choking back the lump that had risen in his throat at the sight of Nick’s chicken scratch writing of ‘Howie-is-my-homeboy-D.’ “I don’t know…what do you guys think?”
“No, I agree,” Kevin gently curled his fingers around the envelope, brushing a hand across the slightly smeared ‘Kevvy-Kev’ that adorned the cover of his letter. He took in a small breath, “We’ll save these for later.” Looking over to AJ, he smiled weakly, gesturing to the box, “Let’s see it.” AJ nodded quickly, gingerly ripping the tissue paper apart before pulling out the large, black leather bound scrapbook. Holding it in a way that allowed everyone to see, he passed his flashlight to Howie, the Latino and Brian shining their lights on the book.
“Here goes,” AJ sighed, tossing the box behind him and unhooking the front of the scrapbook. Pulling the cover open, AJ turned the first piece of transparent protection over, a scribbled message written on the very first page.
“To my brothers,” Brian dictated quietly, “Kev, D, Bri and Jay, my true family. What you hold in your hands is my best attempt at a thank you. For all of our years together, for the up’s and down’s, the laughter and the tears and everything else in between. For everything I could never tell you and for everything I told you a thousand times. This is my thank you.” He paused and took in a shaky breath, a few tears already beginning to slide down his cheek and Howie gently rubbed his shoulder.
“I thought about making a book for each of you personally,” Howie continued, “But figured that this would be the best way to make sure my biggest wish was carried out. Stay together fellas, always. I want you guys to still be the Backstreet Boys and as close as we all were 50 years from now.” The Latino shook his head and motioned for Kevin to continue, ducking his head as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.
Taking in a deep breath, Kevin leaned forward, “So, one book. One copy, one set of memories from me to you. Share it, pass it back and forth…it will help keep you together and whenever things get rough, I hope you can look through it and remember why we stay strong the way we do. Through all the fights, the bickering…everything. Never let it get the best of this group. I hope this reminds you of that.” Kevin was reading through his tears now, his voice rough as he kept reading, “To stand together, no matter how hard the world might be pushing against you, no matter how many people say you can’t, no matter what the outcome may be…stay true to us. To Backstreet, to five brothers who have defied the odds time and time again and won’t ever stop. Live, love, laugh and most of all, keep this brotherhood alive. I love you all, Nick.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
No there's still more to this story.. and we apologize for the wait!!
