Howie broke out of his thoughts with a shake of his head, his brown eyes cast downward on the slightly flooded, grassy floor beneath his feet. A sigh escaped from between his lips and it took him a moment to register the silence that surrounded him. The downpour continued on steadily, the rhythmic pounding against the pavement and quartet of umbrellas echoing in the Latino’s mind as he raised his gaze, a slight crimson rising to his cheeks as he found his three friends staring at him in a mixture of confusion and amusement.
“Oh…” He mumbled, realizing he had tuned out during Kevin’s explanation of why they were all gathered at the cemetery. “Um, sorry...”
“Well, welcome back.” AJ smirked, patting the older man on the back with a light laugh. “Have a fun trip down memory lane?”
“Something like that but fun isn’t the word I’d exactly use.” Howie answered with another sigh. “I didn’t even realize I had zoned out,” He glanced at his eldest friend apologetically. “Sorry Kev.”
“Don’t worry about it,” A ghost of a smile appeared on Kevin’s lips and he shrugged, beads of water cascading down his coat as his umbrella tipped with the motion. “It’s been happening a lot to all of us lately.” Matching smiles surfaced on the other men’s face, a wave of understanding washing over the group.
“Yeah,” Came Howie’s response, his eyes falling momentarily to the ground again. “So, um, what’d I miss?”
“Kev was asking if we wanted to kinda do a goodbye in a group sense or individually but with a moral support vibe going on,” Brian gestured lightly to his older cousin, “I suggested individually.”
“What about everyone else?”
“I’m for us each saying our piece alone.” The rebel offered, “But I don’t really care either way.”
“Same here.”
“Let’s just do this individually then.” Kevin sighed, “Um,” He rubbed his forehead harshly, shutting his eyes for a second. “Howie, you want to go first?”
“Uh…” The older man opened his eyes at the pause, his emerald gaze drilling into Howie’s chocolate brown, watching as the Latino shifted uneasily on his feet before nodding slowly. “Sure.” Not waiting for his friends to further comment on the matter, Howie pushed quickly past Kevin and AJ, his attention focused on the sleek, black marble tombstone a few feet before him. His stomach immediately knotted at the site and he swallowed harshly, crouching down before the grave after a split second of hesitation. Letting out a large breath, he allowed his gaze to wander across the etched wording, the uneasiness in his stomach increasing with every letter he took in.
Nickolas Gene Carter
January 28th, 1980 – July 9th, 2005
“Surround yourself with the music in every breath
Our song is forever here to stay
It won’t make no difference, life or death
Follow our voices home, if you ever lose your way”
~Kev, Frick, Jay & D~
Reaching forward, Howie traced his fingers over the cool surface, barely suppressing the shudder that raced through him. “Hey Nicky,” His attempt at a smile failed miserably and he released a muted sigh. “I miss you buddy. Who would have thought there’d be a day when I was wishing you were around to play a prank or two on me.” He laughed weakly, trying to force down the lump building his throat. “We got our letters and the scrapbook from AJ…the pictures you drew were beautiful. They were a fitting goodbye,” He whispered the last word, mentally coaxing himself to continue on. “We um, we went on your treasure hunt, it was…surprisingly fun. I’m sure you knew it would be; it was classic Nicky.” Howie’s gaze swept around the cemetery, taking in the ocean view for a moment before going on, “I’m not sure what Kevin wants us to say, I don’t think I can ever truly say goodbye to you, I don’t think any of us can.” He shook his head sadly, “I wish so much that things hadn’t ended like this but I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. “ A grim smile fell onto his face and he brushed his hand against the headstone, “I miss you Nicky and I know you want us to keep going with Backstreet but it’s not gonna be the same. I don’t know if we can function without out our main blonde bombshell.” His smile grew a little and Howie let out a small laugh. “We’ll try for you though. I’ll talk to you soon, okay buddy? I love you.” Kissing the tips of his fingertips, he moved them across the name before getting slowly to his feet, eyes lingering on the grave, “Goodbye Nicky.”
Half an hour later
AJ watched as Brian walked slowly away from Nick’s grave, the Kentuckian wiping the corners of his eyes as best he could without dropping his umbrella. Rejoining the group, he let out a shaky sigh and AJ rubbed his back with a broken smile, nodding as Brian returned the gesture. Silence fell over the four men for a few moments, all of them lost in their thoughts before the rebel coughed lightly.
“Sooo, is this the part where we try to raise him from the dead?” Brian’s elbow hit him in the ribs and AJ winced, frowning deeply. “Damn B, I was just trying to break the tension,” He muttered, glaring at the older man, “Besides, the way we’re standing here in the pouring rain…I don’t know, it looks like we’re trying to do…something.”
“You watch too many damn movies,” Kevin retorted, rolling his eyes, a serious expression etched onto his features. “The only thing we’re trying to do is pay our last respects to Nick.”
“Which we’ve now done.” AJ agreed, “Is there something else we should be doing to close the proverbial door on this chapter?” A scowl appeared on Kevin’s face and he tightened his grip on his umbrella.
“Your sarcasm is really unnecessary AJ.”
“I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic, I’m just asking what’s next.” The younger man glanced at each of his friends as he spoke. “That’s all.”
“Then just ask straight up, would you?” Kevin snapped, “Without all the side comments and jokes.”
“C’mon on fellas, don’t start fighting now,” Came Brian’s warning, a small frown on his face as his blue eyes darted between the two men. “This isn’t the place.”
“I’m not fighting, I’m asking…what the hell is next?”
“Enough AJ.” Howie mumbled, shaking his head, “Your mock sincerity is bullshit okay? Drop the attitude. And Kev,” he sighed heavily, “Look, I don’t know what exactly you wanted to accomplish by having us all come here. We’ve said what we needed to...was there something else you wanted us to do? Or what? I mean, I’m a bit confused here, I think we all are.” Kevin fell silent at the statement, his green eyes cast downwards as he pushed his foot across the slippery grass. “Kev?”
“I just figured,” The eldest began slowly, “I figured that since there had been some..complaints...about the way I’ve been dealing with all this, that, well, that being here and hearing one another talk and say goodbye to Nick would let us all be on the same level.” His gaze rose and he glanced at each man slowly, “I thought that doing this would let us start to move forward as a unit.” Kevin frowned deeply, “I guess it was a bad idea.”
“Aww fuck Train,” The rebel groaned after a second or two of silence. “Did you have to go for the guilt trip?” A small smirk toyed at the edges of Kevin’s lips and he shrugged.
“It was a good idea Kevin, really.” Brian answered, “Just a bit hard to take in but I guess that’s to be expected.”
“None of the necessary steps are going to be easy. We just gotta take this process one day at a time.”
“You sound like a damn AA counselor, D.” Howie rolled his eyes at the younger man’s statement and AJ smiled. “Well you do.”
“Point is, this was a good plan Kev. And truth be told, I’m glad we did this as a group rather than just showing up when we felt like it on our own.” Kevin was met with AJ and Brian’s nods in agreement and he smiled softly.
“I’m glad you think so.”
“So,” AJ began quietly, his tone serious. “Honestly, now what?” The eldest gestured to the scenery surrounding the four men, his eyes on Nick’s tombstone.
“We go on.”
“Kev?” Questioned Brian, searching for a further explanation. “Meaning?”
“Nick wanted us to continue on; with Backstreet, with our lives, with everything.” He looked quickly at each man that stood around him, “And I think it’s time we start honoring that wish.” Without another word, Kevin waited; watching as Brian, AJ and Howie hesitated before each nodding slowly and beginning their decent down the hill an unspoken understanding reaching them. Each of them spared a glance back at Nick’s grave before departing, the rain drowning out their footsteps on the stairs. Taking a step forward, when he was sure he was alone, Kevin sighed quietly, placing a hand on Nick’s headstone, “Goodbye Nick,” He whispered, before tilting his head slightly back, his eyes focusing on the dark gray sky. “He’s in your hands now,” Kevin murmured, “Take care of him for me until I get there Dad. I love you both.”
One Year Later
“And that was one of the most requested songs here at KIIS FM 102.7, LA’s hit radio station. We’re bringing you all your favorites all day long.” The DJ announced quickly, “Now, I’m here with a group that has been through hell and back again, the Backstreet Boys. Uh, a little more than a year ago, they lost their youngest member, Nick Carter to cancer, a tragic, tragic loss for the music industry. Guys, it’s great to see you all today and undoubtedly, it’s been a…difficult year for you but uh, you’re back on the scene with a brand new album, how have things been going?”
“It’s definitely been a tough year,” AJ answered slowly, “Tough doesn’t even begin to describe it but you know, we’re surviving.”
“Yeah, it’s always tough to get over the death of a loved one,” added Kevin, “I mean, I lost my dad to cancer, Howie lost his sister to Lupus, Brian and I lost our grandfather awhile back. You never get used to that hole inside of you but, um, being in the studio again helped a lot. Music is therapeutic; you can pour your heart and soul into it.”
“Now, I mean, how is it now that everyone knows what went on during Nick’s ordeal with cancer? You guys kept things pretty under wraps…do you regret letting the world in on it?”
“Being in the spotlight, you know, you try to shelter yourself as much as possible but I mean, things were starting to slip out while Nick was going through his treatments and everything.” Brian sighed, “It all came down to what Nick wanted to share and in the end, you know, he wanted the fans to know the truth. We’ve always prided ourselves in being honest with our fans and I think we’ve gained a lot of respect from them because of that.”
“We’ve gotten tons of positive responses from fans and even cancer survivors, you know, that identify with what we’ve gone through and understand the roads we’ve gone down.” The eldest man explained. “Everyone has been really understanding.”
“And how was the process of recording a new CD without Nick? I mean, it had to be hard.”
“It was really tough at first,” Howie offered softly. “It was kinda like, oh you know, Nicky’s late or Nicky will do his vocals later, then you’d take a step back into reality and remember, no...he isn’t here, he isn’t coming. We went through a lot of up’s and down’s.”
“I think this record really reflects what we’ve gone through, I mean, all the songs are written by one of us or a combination of us or us as a group and that’s definitely something new.” The rebel laughed quickly. “We wanted to really strip down to our bare emotions and let it all out. Everyone goes through loss and pain and it’s something that anyone can relate to not just Backstreet fans.”
“So this new album is called Undefined Kaos, now why the ‘Kaos’ with a ‘k’?”
“Kaos was Nick’s nickname, we wanted something that was a bit of a tribute to him.”
“And how did you come up with the album name?”
“It wasn’t easy.” The younger Kentuckian sighed, “We threw around a ton of names, I mean, we wanted the album to relate to Nick somehow since a lot of the songs, you know, had so much to do with everything that happened but it took us awhile to agree on something.”
“So lots of going back to the drawing board?” The DJ chuckled. “Any examples of discarded names?”
“Oh yeah, many times.” Howie agreed, “Many, many times.”
“Kaotic Happenings, Re-born Kaos, uh, what were some others, Kev?”
“At one point we were just gonna go with Kaos.”
“That’s right.”
“Yeah, we played with um,” AJ trailed off for a moment, “You know, more angst-y names…Broken Yesterday, Pieces of Us…god, what were some of the others?”
“Bad.” Kevin muttered, “We had to pull ourselves away from the emo crap, you know? It was expected. Then we tried to go in the other direction and kinda like, reflect on life going on but it was too hard to convey without making the album title like an entire sentence.”
“The Backstreet Boys’ new album, ‘Life goes on even after the death of a loved one,’” Brian groaned at his own words, “Not too catchy.”
“Plus it has a kind of double meaning,” Howie said. “You can’t really define normal chaos and in our eyes, Nick was undefined because he represented so much more than people really knew.”
“And now, what about this song we’re about to debut? Can you tell me a bit about it? AJ, I understand you wrote this song?”
“Yeah,” AJ cleared his throat, “Um, Nick had requested that I write a song for him and this one kinda fell together itself. I wrote it about two weeks after he died and when we sat down to consider the first single, you know, we batted ideas back and forth about whether we wanted to go with something so personal but um, we figured to hell with it. You know, it’s our record and our feelings. Nick was a best friend, a little brother, a bandmate…and we wanted to show that.”
“Now what about some of the critics that feel you’re exploiting his death to make money?”
“It’s really unfortunate that we live in a society where those ideals do exist,” Kevin answered evenly. “All artists draw inspiration from their own personal experiences and anyone who knows us on a personal level and on a fan to artist level knows how much Nick meant to us. This is all about us sharing our feelings and our experiences with the world; money has nothing to do with it.”
“Alright, well, guys, I want to thank you for dropping by and I wish you the best of luck.” The DJ concluded after a moment of silence.
“Thank you.”
“Thanks for having us.”
“You know you’re always welcome here at KIIS 102.7 guys and we’re all behind you. So here it is, the debut of the Backstreet Boys new song, off their new album, Undefined Kaos, in stores January 28th, here’s ‘Coming Back to Me…’”
Verse I:
Brian:
They say innocence once lost
Can never be regained
And as time marches on
Nothing ever stays the same
AJ:
Yeah, maybe they’re right
Right in what they say
Kevin:
But oh, I’ve tried so hard
Just to prove it all wrong
Chorus:
All:
So I push
Push through each and every day
With a simple hope
And a fleeting prayer
Holding tight to this dream
That when I turn around
You’ll be coming back to me
Verse II:
AJ:
Oh no, alone in the dark
Memories can falter
As they start to fade away
Brian:
And whispers, they can go unheard
AJ:
But it’s you I still see standing there
Reminiscences pulling me through to yesterday
Never truly blurred
Chorus:
All:
And I push through each and every day
With a simple hope
And a fleeting prayer
Holding tight to this dream
Then when I turn around
You’ll be coming back to me
Yeah, all I want to see
Is you coming back to me
Bridge:
Howie:
Ooooh, yeah, yeah
I’ve been down a long hard road
Seen that life has it’s casualties along the way
Brian:
What’s fair never seems to lighten the load
AJ:
And it hurts me more than words can ever say
That I had to let you slip away so soon
Kevin:
So I close my eyes
Allow myself to drift away
And I,
Chorus:
All:
I push, push through each and every day
With a simple hope
And a fleeting prayer
Holding tight to this dream
That when I turn around
You’ll be coming back to me
Ooooh, no, no
Just come back to me
Close my eyes, you’re all I see
See you coming back to me
Yeah, yeah
That’s all I want to see
How it’s gotta be
I turn around
Turn around and see you
Coming back
Back to me
Final Break:
Kevin:
We miss you Nicky
Brian:
We’ll have forever again Frack
Howie:
You’re always in our hearts
AJ:
We love you man
Brian:
Ooooh, yeah
It’s how it’s gotta be
Just you, just you coming back
Back to me
