He rubbed at his head, pressing down hard on the gas. What the hell had he done? What was he thinking? Nick couldn’t believe the things he’d said, the things he’d almost done. The more he thought about it, the sicker he felt. It wasn’t even so much about the sex, it was the fact that she called him out. Accused him of doing exactly what he been doing for years, and it scared him.
Sometimes it was all too much, even for him. He was tired of taking it all in stride, of just accepting what was and letting things be. Screw it, he was only human. Nick pulled into the parking lot of a bar and got out. Sauntering inside, he slipped onto a stool and ordered a Jack Daniels, looking around the near empty room.
How had things gotten so bad? He couldn’t even remember when he’d become so jaded, so empty inside. Picking up the glass he took a sip, staring hard at the amber liquid. He couldn’t even count how many women he’d used, how many had let him. It was expected…accepted even in his line of work. Not that that made it any better, but it really was second nature to him. Somewhere along the way though, Nick had known not everybody was like that. Not everyone allowed themselves to be used and not care.
Veronica was one of those people.
His family, all shot to hell and there was nothing he could do about it. Hell, he couldn’t even stand to be around his parents. Home was anywhere away from them, especially now. Nick couldn’t stand to think that maybe his parents would be happier this way, he couldn’t bare to comprehend each of them moving on. It’s not like it’d change anything with him and his brother or sisters. He wished it would.
Groaning, Nick took another sip of his drink, what was he supposed to do now?
Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie, about a home I’ll never see.
Digging into his pocket, Nick pulled his phone out and flipped it open. Scanning through his phone book, he found the person he wanted to call and pressed the button, waiting while it rang.
“Lo’?”
“Hey man.”
“Well well the prodigal son calls. What’s up man?”
“You’re such an ass J.”
“I know. So what’s going on? God, this is the first I’ve heard of ya since you left. You call any of the other guys?” AJ asked.
“Nah, haven’t had the chance, been busy.”
“Oh yeah? How’d things go with your grandparents?”
“They went alright, it was good to see them again.”
“Oh, your brother’s been looking for ya, ya get in touch with him?”
“Yeah, he called me a little while ago. My parents divorce became official today.”
“No shit? Damn, sorry man,” AJ sighed.
“Whatever, no big deal.”
“Nick…”
“Anyway J, I just wanted to let ya know I was alright.”
“Were you not alright before?”
“No, I mean yeah…forget it.”
“What’s up Nick? You didn’t just call to check in, what’s on your mind?”
Nick sighed, he really didn’t want to say anything, but he had to tell someone. He’d been carrying Veronica around inside for so long, it was time he finally shared her with the guys.
“Well…it’s about where I am now.”
“Didn’t you say you were visiting a friend? Fuck what’s her name…uhh…Victoria?”
“Veronica.”
“Right, Veronica. What about her?”
“I…well I’m here visiting her and we…kinda got into a…disagreement.”
“She’s the one who’s your…friend, right?”
“She IS my friend AJ, that’s it.”
Nick winced, every time he said that it hurt just a bit more.
“Right, sorry man. Ok, so what about her? And you still haven’t told how you met her.”
“Why is that so important?”
“I’m just curious as to where you met a girl that you only want to be friends with. What makes her so special that you don’t just screw her and run like usual?”
“AJ shut up man!”
“Whoa hey, don’t get so damn defensive,” AJ groaned.
“Anyway…that’s the problem.”
“What?”
“Today…I…well I…”
“What? You didn’t try to screw her and she turned you down did she?” AJ chuckled.
“AJ…”
“Whoa she did didn’t she?” he laughed.
“Shut up,” Nick mumbled.
“Why? Girls usually don’t turn you down.”
“I…well, Aaron had just called and she had just gotten off the phone with this guy and I’d been thinking about ya know, kissing her and I did and then one thing led to another and…”
“Wait wait, you kissed her cause Aaron called and she was talking to some guy? I’m confused.”
“No! I…I just…I found out about the divorce and she was so happy over that guy…”
“So you decided you’d use her like you usually do with women to make you forget about the divorce, AND you were jealous of this guy so you figured you’d sc…uhh, have relations with her to what? Make her miserable when she found out you were using her? Is that what you wanted?”
“I dunno,” Nick rubbed at his eyes.
“Sure you do man. Well shit, I don’t blame her. Sounds like she’s not like your usual woman.”
“AJ please! C’mon, help me. I don’t know what to do,” Nick pleaded.
AJ sighed, “What do you want me to say Nick? It all catches up with you eventually you know. We’ve been trying to tell you that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“What was the fight about exactly?”
“Well we were ya know…making out and I…I went to go further and she stopped me. Said she wouldn’t let me use her or be a distraction for whatever was going on. I mean…fuck man, she called me out, said exactly what I’ve been doing. I lost it, I mean I was a prick, straight up. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.”
“Ya gotta apologize to her for one.”
“I know, but what if she doesn’t wanna talk to me?”
“Can you blame her?”
He couldn’t, he’d understand completely, that’s not to say he’d like it.
“Nah, I guess not.”
“Fine, second take it easy. Give her time and don’t smother her.”
“I can’t believe I’m getting advice from you, the biggest ladies man out of all of us,” Nick grinned.
“Well I didn’t get that reputation for nothing. Granted I haven’t been the smartest in relationships myself as well both know.”
“Which makes me question why I’m asking you in the first place.”
“Hey…you want my help or not dude?”
Nick smirked, “Go on.”
“Mmm…anyway. Yeah, just take it easy. Leave her alone for a few days to think.”
“AJ, the whole reason I’m here is to see her, I can’t just leave.”
“Well you wouldn’t have to leave if you hadn’t screwed up in the first place. Damn man, didn’t you know she wouldn’t? You know what type of girl is up for that kinda thing.”
“I did know, I’ve known from the moment we first started talking.”
“And you STILL tried?”
“I couldn’t help it! Shit, I’ve been trying this whole time to not…want her like that, but I can’t help it.”
“What I don’t get is why you waited until you wanted a distraction to decide to make a move,” AJ questioned.
“I…I guess I figured she wouldn’t any other time, and any other time I wouldn’t care.”
“Nick, that’s not cool man.”
“I know I know,” he sighed, he was feeling worse than before.
“Look, ya gotta go apologize to her.”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Do it now, don’t wait too long.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna finish my drink then I’ll go, give her a chance to…”
“Right, trying to make it easier on yourself huh? Wimp,” AJ laughed.
“Whatever, I’m hanging up. I’ll talk to ya later ok? Tell the guys I said hey.”
“Will do, take care, call me and let me know how it goes.”
“Alright, later.”
“Wait! When you comin’ back?”
“Four days.”
“Aight cool. See ya later.”
“Bye.”
Nick hung up and slipped the phone back into his pocket. Picking up his glass, he finished his drink and ordered another. He couldn’t put it off much longer, he had to see her, he had to apologize.
It may sound absurd…but don’t be naïve, even heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede, even heroes have the right to dream. It’s not easy to be me
He was allowed to make mistakes, lots of mistakes. Still, he feared that this would turn out to be one of the biggest. She was right, on so many levels. He did use women and whatever he could to distract himself. There was more to him though, something inside him that he had to find, something special that could help him change, he just had to find it. It was all so easy to get caught up in everything, the glamour, the money.
Nick sighed, it wasn’t easy, nothing ever was.
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet, digging for kryptonite on this one way street. Only a man in a funny red sheet looking for special things inside of me. It’s not easy to be me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“So he got mad and stormed out,” Veronica finished, sighing.
There was silence on the other end for a good ten seconds.
“Whoa…”
“I know, I don’t know what I was thinking Lynne.”
“Why didn’t you call me sooner?”
“I never had the chance, we’ve been doing stuff ever since he arrived.”
“Man, he’s a prick.”
“Lynne!”
“Well he is! Trying to make moves on you like that, what a loser.”
“He’s not a loser Lynne, he’s going through a lot right now.”
“Don’t…do NOT make excuses for him. He can pull that shit with his little sluts and whatever, but not with you. If he was your friend, he’d know that.”
Veronica sighed, she knew to expect this when she called Lynne, but she so badly needed to talk to someone, that she figured she could deal with it. Now she wasn’t so sure.
“I know Lynne.”
“Look Veronica, be careful. Guys like him, they’re not…they’re not the kind of guys you date, at least fans. They use their fans, they figure you’re all groupies, wanting to screw him senseless.”
Veronica started to deny it but stopped, biting her lip.
“Veronica?”
“Hmmm?”
“This would be the time when you emphatically deny it.”
She laughed nervously.
“Veronica!”
“What? It’s not like I actually would.”
Lynne sighed, “Anyway, as I was saying. He’s probably out to use you Veronica. I know you’re smarter than that. Don’t be deceived by him just because you think he’s cute.”
“I know Lynne, but we’re just friends. I know he doesn’t think of me like that anyway. I was convenient and whatever, that’s the only reason what happened happened.”
“Just be careful ok? I don’t want you thinking that you could become involved with him. Guys like him don’t date girls like you.”
Veronica stilled.
“Now hang on, you know what I meant.”
“Yeah.”
“Veronica c’mon! He’s not good enough for YOU. That’s why he wouldn’t date you. He’s crap compared to you and he knows this. That’s why he always goes for those sluts and gold diggers, girls who are no better than him.”
“I know I know.”
“Guys like him, celebrities don’t want anyone that could help them change, that are decent people, they just want someone to make them look good.”
“Lynne, not all of them are like that.”
“A good 99%.”
Rolling her eyes, Veronica stood from the couch. “Look Lynne, I’m gonna let you go.”
Lynne sighed, “I’m sorry Veronica, that was harsh.”
“It’s ok. I’m gonna go, I’m tired and I need to get ready for bed.”
“Veronica…”
“I’ll call ya later and we can get together ok?”
“Yeah…ok.”
“Bye.”
Veronica hung up and walked the phone back over to the charger. She felt like crap and urge to cry hadn’t subsided. Looking up at the clock, she was surprised to see it was almost midnight. It’d been at least six hours since he’d left, and it didn’t look like he was coming back. Inwardly she was still cursing herself for saying what she had, but she also knew she was right, and if Nick didn‘t realize that, then maybe he wasn‘t really her friend after all.
Turning, she locked up and then flipped the light off and headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for bed.
It's Not Easy To Be Me (Superman Song) - by Five For Fighting
