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Bianca let out a quiet sigh as her eyes fluttered open. She could feel AJ’s hands running through her hair and he was humming along quietly to the song he was listening to. Slowly, she sat up and looked around the 1st class cabin of the airplane. “Are we almost home?”

“Yep,” AJ said as he turned off the CD player. “You were out cold.”

“I feel like I could stay that way all day,” she said absently as she looked out the window. “I wonder where we are?”

“I dunno, but we’re close,” AJ said quietly.

“Are you okay?” Bianca asked a little concerned

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he smiled.

He almost looks nervous, she thought as he looked toward the front of the plane. “Are you sure? It seems like something is bothering you.”

“Yeah, I’ve just got some stuff on my mind,” he answered with a warm smile.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Bianca squeezed his hand slightly.

“No…it’s okay,” he sounded unsure about his answer.

“Come on. Something’s bothering you and you should talk about it,” she prodded trying to think what it could be. She knew he was upset for Howie, but he wouldn’t not talk about it. “You could have stayed in Florida; I mean I would have been back tomorrow night anyway.”

“It’s not that,” his voice was soft and his brown eyes were filled with emotion. “I wanted to come back and spend Christmas day with you and your family. There’s nothing I can do in Florida because Howie won’t let anyone stay with him and my Mom knows I’m with you.”

“Well, if it’s not that, what is it?” Bianca continued to press him for information on what had him so troubled.

AJ nervously wiped his free hand on his pant leg and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I…it’s…see…”

Bianca smiled in amusement as AJ stumbled over his words; she had never seen him quite so uneasy. “Aje…seriously, what’s wrong?”

Damn it AJ, stop being a pussy, he said to himself and locked eyes with Bianca. Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly and gripped her hand between both of his. “I know we’re on an airplane and this isn’t the best place in the world, but I can’t hold it inside any longer-”

“What are you talking about?” she asked with a light chuckle.

“Bean…I don’t know when or how this happened, but sometime in the last few months I fell completely in love with you.”

“Wh-what?” she seemed to choke out the word.

“I love you,” he placed on hand on the side of her face as she tried to absorb his confession.

“But…why…I mean…when…I-I don’t understand.”

AJ looked down at his hand which still had a tight grip on hers. “I told you I don’t know when or how, but I know it did happen. I wanna have you near me all the time and when you aren’t with me, I’m thinking about you or calling you. I know how you feel about Nick…and I know what you’ve been through has been hard. I never expected to feel this way about you…I just lo-”

“No, stop…” she held up her hand. “Please don’t do this to me. You can’t say that again, AJ.”

“Why not?” his brow furrowed as he stared at her.

“Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy…like believe you,” Bianca answered honestly as a tear slid down her cheek.

“Sometimes you’ve gotta be crazy,” AJ replied as he placed his lips on hers for a soft kiss. “I love you.”



“Good morning,” Brian called as he entered Julie’s apartment.

“Hey,” Julie smiled and gave him a hug. “How’s your friend?”

“Not so good,” Brian answered sadly as he dropped a few presents down under the tree. “He’s fine physically, but his girlfriend was killed.”

“Oh, no,” Julie gasped and shook her head. “That’s so sad.”

“I know. I tried my best to get him to come back here with me, but he wouldn’t. He said he only wants to be alone, but Kevin showed up and we finally convinced Howie to fly back to Kentucky with him.”

“I can understand how he feels though. I wouldn’t want to be around a lot of people if I had just lost the love of my life, but I’m glad you talked him into going back with Kevin,” her voice softened and her expression saddened.

“Well, we were wondering when you would get here,” Jackie Littrell smiled as she came out of the small kitchen. When she caught sight of her son’s gloomy expression her face immediately fell. “What’s wrong honey?”

Brian didn’t really want to go into detail with everyone because he didn’t have all the facts. “Howie is just having a rough time right now and I’m worried about him.”

“Is everything going to be okay?”

“Eventually. He just needs time,” he smiled and held out his arms for his mother and Julie. “What can I help with?”



**The Next Day**

Howie stood slowly when his doorbell rang.

“Nah, man, sit back down. I’ll get it,” Kevin said as he made his way to the front door. “May I help you?”

“Yes, sir, I’m here to see Mr. Howard Dorough,” a man said flashing a badge.

“Right this way,” Kevin said politely as he led the officer to where Howie was.

“Mr. Dorough? I’m Detective Monroe; I need to ask you a few questions,” he said and extended his hand.

“Sure,” Howie said softly as he accepted the handshake. Motioning to the chair beside the sofa he said, “Have a seat.”

*An Hour Later*

“I’m very sorry for your loss, especially at Christmas. If we get any leads on who is responsible for Ms. DeMora’s murder I’ll contact you as soon as I can,” Detective Monroe said with a polite smile. “Thank you for your time, Mr. Dorough. Have a nice day.”

“Yeah,” Howie replied flatly and watched as Kevin saw him out. Detective Monroe’s words echoed in his mind… If we get any leads on who is responsible for Ms. DeMora’s murder… “God forgive me,” he whispered softly.

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked with concern as he watched Howie from the doorway.

He sighed heavily before answering. “No…I’m not looking forward to any of this. I don’t know how to get in touch with any of her family; I don’t know if Ivy even has an living family. I’ve got make the funeral arrangements and…” his voice broke.

Kevin sat down beside his friend and wrapped him in a hug. “It’s okay man…this is hard and you shouldn’t have to do it alone. You have four brothers that are here for you; all you have to do is let us know how to help.”

Howie looked at Kevin and smiled sadly and his eyes filled with tears. “Thanks, Kev…that means a lot to me.”



Kevin sighed in annoyance and tried his best to control his anger. He had called Brianna three times already and all he had gotten was the answering machine. He listened as the phone rang a fifth time and then the answering machine once again picked up.

“Hey, you’ve reached Kevin and Brianna. We aren’t home to take your call right now; please leave your name, number and a message and we’ll be sure to return your call,” he listened to himself and then the tone signaled him to leave his message.

“Bree…pick up the phone if you’re at home. Please stop avoiding me,” his temper was quickly flaring up. “Damn it Brianna, when you stop acting like a child would you please call me?”

He slammed the receiver down and took a deep breath before lifting it back to his ear. He had already called Brian and Nick to let them know about Ivy’s funeral arrangements; AJ was the last person on his list. He had been trying to let Brianna know about everything that was going on, but she wouldn’t answer his calls and he didn’t want to leave that message on the machine. The only information he left was that he would be home sometime in the next couple of days.

Kevin knew she was mad, and she had the right to be upset. He wasn’t happy that they didn’t get to spend Christmas together as a family, but Howie was his friend and brother and he was going to be there for him, no matter what. Brianna of all people should understand this, he thought to himself. If Bianca lost someone she would be there in no time…no matter what. I know she’ll understand…she will…



**Two Days Later**

Howie looked around at his band mates—his family. They were all standing around him with somber expressions and tears in their eyes; grieving along with him as the priest conducted the funeral. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to ward off the fresh tears that were pooling in his eyes. Will this ever get any easier? he asked himself.

His mind wandered to thoughts of how his life had been before a few days ago. Up until now Howie was sure life was flawless and could get no better. Apparently he had been right because just four days earlier his perfect world came crashing down around him.

“I’m not tired. I’m not anything right now, J. It’s kinda funny; I feel numb all over,” his tone was even and his gaze was set on something in the distance. “I stopped feeling when the doctor told me Ivy was dead. Do you know how it feels to know that you just lost someone you’ll never see again?”

AJ only shook his head, feeling extremely uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to do or say to comfort his friend and everything he thought of seemed empty and meaningless. He had never been through something like this and he didn’t truly know what Howie must be feeling.

“I wonder if it will ever stop?” Howie mumbled quietly, still fixated on some unseen object.

“What?” AJ gave his friend a quizzical look.

“The hurt…it feels so consuming. Like it’s…like it’s taken over everything in my life and it’s gonna stay there forever,” Howie sighed as a fresh wave of tears began to sting his swollen brown eyes. He turned to AJ, with a helpless look in his eyes. “I feel like it’s smothering me and I can barely breathe. Do you think that will ever go away?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “You will always feel hurt, but it won’t be as bad.”

“I feel like it should have been me that died, J. She didn’t deserve it; it wasn’t even supposed to happen,” he ran his right hand through his dark curls. “I got shot in the shoulder and I’m fine. Why in the hell did they have to shoot her at all?”

“I dunno why, D, but you know it was for a reason…maybe it saved your life.”

He shook his head as his conversation with AJ ran through his mind. Maybe it saved my life? How could something that hurts so much be a life saver? he thought cynically.

He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and looked around to see that the funeral had ended. Wiping his eyes, he smiled a wary smile and looked at his friends.

“You okay, man?” AJ asked and squeezed Howie’s shoulder. “Why don’t you take some time and we’ll let you have some privacy.”

Howie nodded as his tears started up again. He watched as they all walked out of the cemetery and then turned to look at grave. He knew he didn’t have long before someone would come and lower the casket into the ground; that would make it all final, but there was no way he could witness that. Walking over to the coffin and placed his had on the dark wood.

“I love you, Ivy…no matter what happens, I love you. Forgive me for not turning those bastards in…”

Kissing his hand he placed it back on the coffin and took a deep breath before he turned and headed in the direction his friends had already gone. This chapter of his life was over and now he had to start coping with it. He would be going back home with Kevin for a few weeks before their public life would take control again. Back to fake smiles and forced happiness… he thought darkly.



**Later That Night**

“Bree…honey, I’m home,” Kevin called as he and Howie entered his Kentucky cabin. “Bree?”

Kevin dropped his bag by the doorway and listened for his fiancée. “You can just leave your stuff here for now and get it later. I know you’ve gotta be hungry,” he told Howie as they walked through the living room.

“Actually, I’m just really tired. If you point me in the direction of the guest room, I’m gonna go on up to bed,” he replied with a yawn.

“Okay, man, if you’re sure.”

“I am,” Howie nodded.

“Third door on the left,” Kevin said and gave his friend a hug. “If you need anything man, let me know, okay?”

Howie only nodded again before disappearing up the stairs.

Entering the kitchen, Kevin found Brianna at the stove. “Hey baby.”

“Kevin,” she replied coolly.

“Tell me you aren’t pissed, Bree,” he was already becoming frustrated. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Turning to face Kevin, Brianna pointed her finger at him. “No, Kevin, I’m not kidding you. How could you leave us alone for Christmas? How could you not be here for Kyra?”

“Let me set something straight with you, Bree,” Kevin was trying his best to keep his anger to a minimum, but he was losing patience quickly. “Howie is upstairs and he’s the reason I was in Florida. If you had bothered to pick up the fucking phone when I was calling, you would know why, but since you were too damn childish to listen you don’t. Ivy was murdered and Howie needed us. I did my part as his friend to be there for him and I thought you would respect that, but I was wrong.”

Brianna, not knowing how to respond, watched Kevin as he started up the stairs.

“I’m gonna check on Kyra and then I’ll go to sleep in the other guestroom,” he called and walked into the nursery. Smiling at his daughter, he lifted her from the crib and sat in the rocking chair. “Hey darlin’. I missed you,” he said quietly as he rocked his daughter. “I know you understand.” Everybody except Brianna gets it… he thought in a mixture of anger and despair. I just wish she could understand.