to tell you
I love you
Nick padded back and forth in front of the door leading to the bedroom of his suite. On the other side, he could hear Bianca sobbing quietly; every sob sent a pang of jealousy coursing through his veins. He knew that those tears were not being shed over him. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his hand and knocked softly on the door and waited for a minute before trying the door knob. He couldn’t very well pace back and forth in front of the door all night.
“Bean…”
Bianca sucked in a breath and quickly rolled over on the bed so her back was to Nick. “I really don’t feel like talking right now, Nick,” her voice was thick with tears. She closed her eyes when she felt the edge of the bed sink under Nick’s weight. His hand on her hip caused her to suck in a quick breath. “Really, Nick, I just don’t feel up to it right now.”
“Bianca, please don’t do this to me right now,” his voice cracked with emotion as he began to plead with her. “I know that tonight has not been great, but-”
Bianca startled Nick as she quickly flew into a sitting position and looked at him. “Hasn’t been that great? Are you kidding me?”
“Bean, that’s not what I mean. I know that you are upset, but I think it would be good to talk about it.”
“Well, I don’t think it would be good to talk about it now. I’m very capable of saying something I will regret later,” she answered truthfully as she lay back on the bed. She sighed in annoyance when she felt his gaze burning into her. “You aren’t gonna let this go are you?”
“No,” he said defiantly. “I am shooting for the explanation that I know you owe me.”
That sent Bianca on overload. “Nick, who the hell do you think you are? What fucking right do you have telling me that I owe you an explanation after the way you acted tonight? Please explain that.”
He opened his mouth to reply, but decided against it. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I meant.”
“Yes it was.” Nick watched as Bianca stood on unsteady legs. After regaining her balance, she headed for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I need a drink,” her voice was flat.
Scrambling quickly to the doorway, Nick blocked her way and shook his head. “I don’t care how much I piss you off by doing this, but you are not drinking tonight.”
Before Bianca knew what was going on, Nick had her over his shoulder and just as quickly, he tossed her onto the bed. She watched, enraged, as Nick drug a chair in front of the door and sat down in it, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Why don’t you answer your own question? What’s up with you and drinking, Bianca? You’re not even old enough to buy alcohol, but you sure do know how to drink it. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she questioned as she narrowed her eyes. When he refused to answer Bianca rolled her eyes. “You’re acting like a child Nick; you know you can’t keep me in here forever.”
“I know that, but I can keep you in here tonight. You would make this so much easier if you would just tell me what happened.”
“Well, you know exactly what happened, Nick,” she shrugged and rolled over so that her back was once again facing him.
“Don’t be a smartass, Bean. I just don’t understand how we could be so happy one day and then all of a sudden, you leave me. What did I do to you to deserve that?”
“Sometimes things just don’t work out,” she squeezed her eyes shut to try and ward off the tears that were stinging her eyes.
“It’s not that, Bianca. I know there was more to it than that.”
“Well, if you’re such a fucking genius, then why can’t you figure it out, Nick?” the bitterness in her voice stung Nick like a harsh slap in the face.
“Because I love you and I always have; and I thought that maybe, just maybe you might love me just that much too.”
Bianca took in a deep breath and held it for a minute as she listened to Nick without turning over. She heard him slowly stand and then he dragged the chair back to the other side of the room before starting out the door.
Sitting up, Bianca watched as Nick started for the living area. “Nick, wait…”
“There’s a mini bar in there; help yourself. Oh, and just see yourself out when you’re finished.”
“I do love you that much, Nick,” she was barely able to find her voice and when she did it came out broken.
Nick stopped in the doorway, his shoulders slumped and head hanging. “Don’t do that just because I made you feel terrible. I deserve a little more than that.”
“Damn it, Nick. Why are you being so complicated?”
Turning swiftly, Nick narrowed his now dull blue eyes at her. “I’m only treating you the way I’ve been treated for the last year! Why is it okay for you to treat me like shit, but when it’s dished back out to you, you pout and act like the world should stop for you? I am sick and tired of bending over backwards to show you how much I love you and having you throw it in my face. You don’t know how much it hurt to see you with someone else, but with AJ? That was the hardest thing I ever had to witness.”
too long
and cold here
without you
“You don’t know how hard these last few months have been for me, Nick. It’s not like I wanted to end our relationship, but-”
“Then why did you? If you loved me so much that you could have stayed with me, then why did you leave?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” her voice was barely audible.
“Oh, wouldn’t I? Try me.”
“Nick, it’s-”
“No, you know what? If you’re not gonna explain or at least try to, I don’t wanna hear it,” he shook his head and started for the living area once again.
Bianca bolted from the bed and followed Nick as he breezed through the living room and out the French doors to the balcony overlooking the city. “It’s not that easy to explain, Nick.”
“Okay,” his voice was emotionless as he leaned against the railing and looked out onto the bustling nightlife of New York.
“Don’t do this, Nick.”
“Do what, Bean? It’s not like I’m thinking about jumping,” he smirked, hatefully.
“Stop being such an asshole, Nick.”
“Stop being such a selfish bitch, Bianca.”
Biting her bottom lip to keep from crying, Bianca turned to look out on the city that was unaware of their problems. “You know, you’ve changed a lot. The Nick I left would have never said something like that to me.”
“Oh, boo fucking hoo. And the Bianca that I used to know would have never left without at least trying to work out whatever problem had come up. Don’t try that guilt trip shit with me, it won’t work. See, the harsh reality is that when you left, I changed.”
“You could’ve fooled me.”
Bianca watched Nick as he fumbled around in his pocket looking or something. She half expected to see him pull out a back of cigarettes; part of her was hoping maybe he’d picked up a bad habit as well. Instead, he had a small pouch.
“What’s that?” she questioned curiously.
“I bought this the week before you left me. I was planning on giving it to you after the cookout we had the day you left; I was gonna drive us to the beach and we were gonna have a small picnic and whatnot. But you left.”
“Wh-what is it?”
Wordlessly, Nick turned the tiny pouch over and emptied the contents into his palm. Bianca gasped when she caught sight of it. A diamond ring—smaller and not as flashy as the one she had been wearing just hours earlier—lay in his shaking hand. It wasn’t big and flashy, but simple and elegant; much like herself. It was a single round, solitaire diamond that was set in a thin platinum band. “See, I knew you were going to be the woman I spent the rest of my life with and I was just ready to get to that point in my life.”
“Nick…” her breath caught in her throat as she reached for the ring.
Suddenly, he clasped his hand into a fist around the small piece of jewelry. “That’s in the past, though. Right?” He smiled weakly and slipped the ring back into the pouch.
“You’ve been carrying that around since I left?” she questioned quietly.
“Call me crazy, but I had envisioned this happening much differently,” he shrugged his shoulders, but Bianca never missed the tears glistening in his eyes.
“You’re not crazy, Nick. I’m sorry for being so selfish, but I just didn’t know what else to do.”
“Bean, why couldn’t you have talked to me about whatever happened? You know how much I love you, why would you think that there would be anything you couldn’t tell me?”
“Because, Nick, I didn’t think you’d be able to handle it. I almost couldn’t handle it.”
“It couldn’t be that bad…”
Looking down at her now shaking hands, Bianca took a deep breath and pushed back her tears. “Nick, I was pregnant.”
“You were what?” he asked, his voice soft.
Sitting down in the chair beside her, Bianca sighed. “I found out I was pregnant and automatically assumed it was Eric’s baby because you and I always used protection. I didn’t think there was any possibility that it could be your baby.”
“But?” Nick felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest and his throat was dry.
“But I went to visit Eric in jail because my therapist recommended that I put it behind me and that was the only way to do it. I told him about the baby and he told me that he couldn’t have children; that was after I left and I thought it was too late to try and explain what happened. The next time I saw you was the night at the club with Hayley.”
Nick suddenly felt very lightheaded as he took in Bianca’s confession. “So, when you mentioned the baby in your letter to AJ…that was my baby?”
“Yes,” she nodded slightly.
“Oh, God,” he was unable to stop the tears that began to spill onto his cheeks.
“I was pregnant when you came to my TRL appearance, but I lost the baby shortly after. I just didn’t know how to tell you what happened; I felt like it was all my fault.”
Dropping to his knees in front of Bianca, he wrapped his arms around her legs and placed his head in her lap. “How could you ever blame yourself for that? I just wish you wouldn’t have thought that would upset me…”
Leaning over him, she wrapped him in an embrace. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was her harsh reality; and yet, it suddenly didn’t seem so harsh after seeing Nick’s reaction. Maybe things weren’t as horrible as she thought. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so*
* “I Love You” by Sarah Mclachlan.
