Nick stared at the patient advocate papers. He was thinking that this was just a waste of time on his part and for Brian as well. There was no way that he was ever going to get that bad. Just as he was about to throw the papers into the trash, a thought struck him and he stopped.

What if something did go wrong? What if his heart stopped and they wanted to shove tubes in him and dope him up on meds and he would never be the same ever again?

Was this something he wanted? To prolong his agony?

Setting the papers back onto the oak desktop, Nick pushed himself away and stood up.

“Bri? Are you ready to go?”

Brian came around the corner, his eyes were bloodshot and he looked tired. Nick was attributing it to jet lag and lack of sleep. Little did he realize how wrong he was. He had the lack of sleep part right, but he didn’t know that Brian had been up most of the night crying and worrying about him.

“Yeah, all set. Question is, are you ready?”

“Always, I look forward to having surgery,” Nick grumbled.

Brian glanced at Nick’s empty hands. “Hey, where’s your bag, you’re supposed to stay after surgery.”

“Doctor Andersen said I needed to stay, but I have other plans in mind,” came the quick reply.

Brian decided to let it go. He could always come back to the house to gather things that Nick would need after he realizes that staying in the hospital wouldn’t be a bad idea. He had been watching his best friend over the past few days. It all became clearer to him after Nick told him about the cancer. Brian wondered how he never saw all the physical symptoms that something was amiss.

As he followed Nick out to the garage, Nick suddenly took a faltering step and grabbed the door frame for support to keep his balance in check.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked as he reached out to steady him.

Nick jerked his shoulder from Brian. “Yeah, just a little dizzy all of a sudden, but I’m fine.”

“How about I drive?” Brian asked, half expecting Nick to decline. As soon as the words left his mouth, Nick slapped the keys into Brian’s open hand without any objections.

Settling back into the passenger seat, Nick lowered his ball cap over his eyes. “Ya know, 5:30 a.m. isn’t my idea of being fair to a person.”

“Yeah, it is a little early, isn’t it?”

Nick didn’t reply back, just folded his arms across his chest.

Glancing over a few times Brian reached out to the heater button on the panel. “Are you cold?”

“A little,” Nick agreed.

Leaving his own personal comfort aside, Brian dialed up the knob to start the heater in the car. It was going to be another hot Florida day, and although it was 5:30 in the morning, the temperature was already 78 degrees.

Glancing over to his passenger as he drove towards the hospital, Brian kept wondering how he would break the news to Leighanne about Nick. Nick would be pissed when the news gets leaked to anyone, but Brian was obligated to his wife and she was suspicious that something wasn’t right and his whole body was washed in guilt everytime he spoke to her on the phone. Brian decided that while Nick was in surgery that he would place the call to Leighanne and tell her everything and his desire for her to come to Florida while Nick was recovering.

Steering the car into the parking ramp that led to the Oncology entrance to the hospital, Brian sighed. “Hey bud, wake up, we’re here.”

Nick raised up a little in his seat, adjusting the cap up from his eyes. He groaned outloud. “Just peachy.”

“Mr. Littrell, he’s all set, you can come back to his room now,” a young nurse in bright flowered scrubs gestured to Brian.

Brian immediately stood up and followed the woman to where Nick laid on a gurney, waiting to be taken down to surgery. This had been the second try to have the surgery done to place the infusaport in. He was rejected a few days ago because of a fever and a slight cough and runny nose.

“So you’ve got the green light this time?” Brian asked as he sat down on the hard plastic chair next to the gurney.

“Yeah, no fever so I guess today’s the lucky day,” Nick grinned half heartidly as he tried to make light of the situation.

Dr. Andersen poked her head around the curtain. “Good morning Nickolas, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Ready to party,” he quipped.

Dr. Andersen smiled broadly. “Have you brought your patient advocate packet with you today?”

Nick’s expression soured. “No, left it on my desk at home.”

“You really need to have that filled out and on file, it’s important,” she urged.

“I’m not planning on anything happening right away, so don’t worry about it, I’ll get it done when I’m good and ready to,” Nick replied, picking off lint on the white blanket that laid across his chest.

Pulling up her clipboard, she sat on the edge of the bed. “I need to go over a few things with you before they take you down. Okay, you know that the port will be placed under your right collarbone and it will be the access site where the chemotherapy pump will be hooked into to administer the doseage for the weeks the you’re on chemo, correct?”

Nick shook his head indicating he understood her.

“Okay, after surgery and once you’re stable, we’ll begin the first round of chemo and we should expect as long as everything goes okay that you will be discharged from the hospital by Friday. I want to also have you started on steriods to help your immune system, those will be done by IV while you’re an inpatient.”

Nick frowned. “Steriods? What are the side effects of those things?”

“Nickolas, all chemo patients are placed on steroids, it’s nothing to be concerned over,” Dr. Andersen replied in a calming voice.

“No, I want to know what the side effects are, I want to know what I’m getting, I have that right don’t I?”

“Well, it would probably increase your energy levels and then there’s a temporary weight gain from them, but once they’re stopped, the weight will drop, it’s mainly fluid---”

“No way, you can skip the steriods,” Nick interrupted.

“Nick, don’t be unreasonable here, it’s for your own good,” Brian pleaded.

“What? They have enough to talk about right now with the way I look, there’s no way I’m gonna take something that’s gonna make me fatter, no fucking way in hell,” Nick glared as he folded his arms across his chest.

“NICK!” Brian gasped, his face immediately turning red from embarrassment when Nick swore in front of the doctor.

“We can talk about this later,” Dr. Andersen reassured.

Nick locked eyes with Dr. Andersen. “Let’s just get this surgery overwith before I change my mind.”

Closing up the chart, the doctor nodded. “Okay, we’ll see you down in surgery in a few minutes.”

After the doctor left the two alone, Brian gazed at Nick. “Why do you have to be so darn stubborn?”

Nick shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

A tall, black older man appeared around the curtain. “Hi Nick, you ready to take a ride?”

Nick pasted a thin smile on his face. “Yeah.”

The man gestured to Brian with a nod of his head. “You can follow us and I’ll show you where the waiting room is.”

Wordlessly, as Brian followed the cart, he couldn’t help but notice that some of the faces that filed past them seemed to look as if they recognized Nick and him. He prayed they didn’t but he knew that it wouldn’t be too much longer and this would be leaked out to the media, it was inevitable.

More of a solid reason to fill Leighanne in as well as the guys.

“Okay, here’s where they will call you after he’s out of surgery. You can tell him goodbye here,” the man directed as he stopped the gurney.

Brian walked up to Nick and embraced him in a tight hug. “I’ll be seeing you in a few Kaos.”

Nick hugged Brian back a little harder and pulled away, tears evident in his eyes. “Love ya Frick.”

Gripping the cellphone, Brian sat the privacy of Nick’s vehicle. He had been sitting, staring off into space, dailing all but two numbers to his house several times before he would lose his nerve and shut the phone off. Taking a deep breath, Brian decided it was time to face up to this like a man. He once again dailed the numbers and waited while the phone rang.

And rang.

And rang.

“Hello?”

Brian tensed up as Leighanne answered the phone.

“Um, ah, hi sweetheart.”

“Brian? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

Brian swallowed nervously. He could never put anything past Lee when he was upset. His voice always was a dead giveaway. He couldn’t hold it in anymore and he started sobbing into the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Brian managed to choke out between sobs.

Leighanne’s heart was breaking. She could hear the pain in Brian’s cries and she wanted to be there to talk to him face to face. “Shh, hun, take a deep breath, just take your time.” Tears were slipping down her cheeks as she listened to her husband weeping. “Where are you?”

Closing his eyes as if it would give him the courage he needed, Brian rushed the words out. “I’m at the hospital.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, what’s wrong, are you okay?”

“It’s Nick,” Brian whispered. He felt horrible for betraying Nick, but he couldn’t keep it inside any longer. He waited for a response from her, but then decided to just keep on talking or he would lose the nerve to continue. “Honey, I need you, can you fly out today?”

“What’s wrong Brian?” her voice was full of alarm.

“I can’t tell you over the phone, I need to talk to you face to face,” Brian swallowed and sniffed. “Just leave me a voice message when you get the flight and times, okay? I need to go back to the waiting room. He should be out of surgery soon.”

“Brian?”

“Yeah?”

Leighanne was going to press for information, but she realized that Brian really needed to talk to her face to face and tell her what the problem was. “I love you and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Love you too, bye.”