‘I positively stink’ Nick thought with a schrunched up nose as he raised an arm, smelling under his armpits. He had a day off from the chemo and had spent the better half of the day in his bed. The sessions wore him out completely and the days when he was off he was deadtired. With a sigh he walked into the bathroom, shredding his clothes. Stepping into the shower he turned on the tap.

Hot water rinsed over him and it felt so good. All his worried thoughts were slowly rinsing away and a warm and comforting feeling was replaced. For the first time he felt like a human and today he wasn´t feeling nauseous either. It was progress and Nick was becoming more and more certain that the cancer was on it´s retreat. Life was treating him fairly good right now and if he kept this up he would soon be well enough to go back to the studio. That is if he had the energy to do something else beside sleep.

His thoughts were shattered as he heard the phone ringing out in the hallway. ‘Why isn´t Brian answering?’ he thought a bit annoyed as the signals were coming through. Then he remembered, Brian and Leighanne had gone out for dinner and he was all alone in the house. Cursing the fact that someone had the nerve to call him when he was in the shower he grabbed the towel and half ran, dripping wet out of the bathroom. Once he finally managed to pick up the phone the signal stopped.

‘Shit!!’ Was there anything more annoying than someone hanging up the minute you reach the phone? Within seconds the answering machine went on and he could hear AJ´s voice on the other end.

“Hey man, where are you? Out with some girl? A small chuckle was heard. “Anyway dude the second you hear this you pick up the phone and call me. You hear?” There was a brief pause before AJ´s voice continued, “Man, we´re getting worried about you. Call me! Okay?”

Nick breathed hard as he waited for AJ to stop talking. Once the answering machine had stopped he deleted the message with a blip. He was deliberately ignoring the guys, and had been ever since he found out about the cancer. But it was getting harder and harder to ignore them and he knew that Brian was getting worried calls from his “brothers” ever so often. Yet Brian didn´t reveal their secret since his friend knew that he would never forgive him. Telling Leighanne was one thing, but turning his back against him, telling the guys was another. And this he couldn´t accept.

He was about to go back to the shower when the phone rang once again. Positive that it couldn´t be one of the brothers and hoping that it was Julie, he picked it up.

“Nick here.”

“Dude, I knew that you were there,” AJ said with a chuckle, “fooled you didn´t I?”

Crap. He was in no mood to talk to Alexander McLean.

“I knew that you wouldn´t pick up the phone so I did a scam.” He continued, pride in his voice.

“Okay,” Nick wasn´t being very talkative and he said tiredly, “now that you have me on the line, what do you want?”

“Just hearing how you´re doing man. You´ve been totally invisible for like..I dont know...since you were at Bri´s.”

“I´m fine.”

“Yeah right, if you were fine Train wouldn´t be calling me, getting all worked up. He was totally skittish after talking to you. Claiming that you were doing drugs or some shit.”

Nick stiffened a laugh, “Well you know Kev, he gets upset over nothing.”

AJ wasn´t buying the words and he continued, “Man, you´re been totally impossible to reach, what are you up with? Some chick or what?” There was concern in his friend's voice and Nick felt bad for lying one more time. “Even D’ have tried to reach you on several occassions.”

“I´ve been around. Doing a bit of this and that, you know. Working on my album and stuff.”

“Really? Then why is B´rok and Leigh there then?” AJ wasn´t letting go of the topic so easy.

How was he going to answer to that?

“Eh..he´s helping me with some stuff, you know.” Nick thought for a moment, “with the lawyer and things about the lawsuits.”

“Brian??” AJ nearly chokes from laughter, “man is that a joke or what? B doesn´t know shit about such stuff.”

Fuck, Nick pulled a hand through his wet hair. He was starting to shiver standing in his birthsuit, dressed in just a towel.

“Nick,” a serious tone was set, “man, Kevin ain´t right ain´t he?”

“What?” Nick was starting to feel annoyed. What was AJ referring too? Did he too think that he was on drugs? This couldn´t be happening.

“You know man, I know that you have tried some wierd shit in your days, but I tell you it ain´t worth it. Booze and coke makes your head goes totally weird and you get like a crack pot. Nick, listen to me. If you´re doing something let me know and I help you meet some people that can make you stop. You know we wanna help you man.”

“AJ,” he sighed heavily, “I´m NOT into anything like that. This is something totally different.”

“Okay, okay..then what is it then? You´re into some eating disorder again?”

His fellow brother was saying that again since Nick had a habit of eating too much when he was really low or felt bad. He´d been accused for having an eating disorder but that was just crap. The management said that he was putting on some weight and that he needed to slim down, stop eating so much junk. He´d tried over and over again to loose the extra pounds but it was difficult. It didn´t help that the steroids that he got for his immune system while taking the chemo was making his appetite increase too. And he who thought you lost weight when having cancer!

“Man, why do you always think the worst about me?” Nick yelled into the phone, suddenly having had enough.

AJ most have sensed that he had crossed the line he uttered, “Sorry dude. I didn´t mean those words. I didn't want to hurt you.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“I don´t know.” AJ was silent for a while, “Nick,” he said, “You´ve been acting so strange for a while now and we´re getting concerned that you´re into something. We care for you, you know.” He laughed nervously.

Nick smiled slightly. AJ could be so blunt and hard with words, yet so gentle. He´d grown to like the guy over the years and he loved him like his own brother. There was no telling how AJ would react when he found out that Nick had Hodgkins disease.

He felt suddenly a bit shaky. This was effecting him emotionally. “Well I gotta get going,”

“Wait,” the older man called out when he was about to hang up the phone.

“Huh?”

“You know anything about Brian wanting to record over at your place?”

“Eh..yes..why?”

“That is what I´m asking too..why Nick?” It was clear that Bone had no intention what so ever to stop the inquiry and he was set into finding out what was wrong with Nick's strange behavoir.

“What do you mean?” Way to go Nick, he thought, Answer a question with a question!

“Is he working with you on the album?” AJ sounded doubtful.

“A bit.” The minute he said it he was biting his lip.

“Really?” there was amusement in AJ's voice. “I didn´t know that Brian was into rock.”

“Well he´s not.” Oh no now he was really messing up. This was starting to take a toll on him. All this lying. Soon he would decide to fuck it and go out and tell the guy the real reason why he was so invisible all the time. After all, they were his brothers and they deserved to know. It was just that he didn´t know what to tell them. Brian had been a different story since he was a person that Nick could never hide anything from.

“Okeeeey,” AJ was dragging out on the syllabils, “ Then wha..” He didn´t have a chance to end the sentence before Nick cut him off.

“Listen, I´ve gotta let the pugs out into the backyard. Can we talk later?”

“Sure man,” a bit searching he continue, “Nick, nothing is wrong with you, right?”

“Uh, huh..?”

“You´re not acting like you use to do, you´re much..much more calm and down.”

“Nah just a bit tired,” Nick tried to laugh, but it ended more up like a wheeze.

“That's it!! You´re never tired, man. You´re the prankster!”

“Bone, I hate to shatter your thoughts but I´m 22.” He gave up a forced chuckle.

“Yeah, but you´re still Kaos, ya know.”

“Aha, well I really gotta go now man. Call me back later. See ya.” Things were starting to burn. Nick had to quit or he would blow his cover.

“Okay, well later then man.”

“Bone?” A sudden pang of guilt washed over him.

“Yeah?”

“Hrm..eeeh..I lo..I love you guys.” Nick talked so fast, but it felt important that the message came through.

“Uh?” AJ sounded surprised, as a respond he said, “Same to you man.”

There were a click as Nick hung up the phone, biting in his lip, trying to prevent the tears from over flowing. Right then he made an descision. He had to stop hiding and tell the guys about the cancer. There were no turning back.