Kevin didnīt know how long he had sat on the tiled floor in Nick's bathroom. It felt like an eternity and he looked at the blonde mass of hair that laid on his legs. His legs and back ached something fierceful from the uncomfortable position and he needed to stretch. Shifting lightly, afraid to wake up the sleeping bundle, he moved his legs a few inches just to be met by a moan from the young man who had occupied his lap.
"Noo, donīt move," Nick mumbled half asleep. His voice was hoarse, barely audible.
Kevin, who desperatly needed to get up due to painful cramps in his calves, whispered back in a soothing tone, "Shhh...I wonīt, try to go back to sleep." He continued to stroke Nick's hair like he had done all afternoon. This was the only thing that seemed to relax his friend long enough to allow him to sleep.
"I canīt." His voice was cracked and weak from the strenous vomiting that he had gone through for several hours straight.
"Why not?" Kevin stroked away a sweaty strand of hair from his friend's gaunt face, "What's troubling you?"
"I feel like Iīm going to be sick again," the young man moaned, wincing as his stomach contracted once more.
'Oh no,' Kevin thought desperately as Nick stirred restlessly, sensing the alarm in the sitiuation. 'Here we go again!'
He helped the sick man to sit up and watched sadly at how Nick more or less crawled towards the bowl, too weak to stand up. Nick bent over the toilet and once more repeated what he had done so many times before. Dry heaves wracked his body as he whimpered from the pain. It had been a long time since he had anything to bring up, yet the wretching continued over and over again, not giving him any respite to breathe between the heaves. The after effects from the chemo was bad.
They had been in the small bathroom for hours, not being able to move since everytime Kevin tried to coax Nick to the bedroom his little brother was in for another round, more painful than the first one. This had resulted that he had given up any hope to move Nick and instead they had stayed in there. Kevin, sitting up, leaning his head against the tiled wall and Nick curled up into a heap, shivering on the bathroom mat. He had found a blanket and he covered up his friend who was alternating between having the chills and sweating tons.
It was dusk in the room since any light was hurting Nick's eyes and it was just as well since Kevin thought that neither of them was a pretty sight. After having one mishap Nick had stripped out of his clothes and they lay in a heap on the floor. Now he sat in a pair of boxers, the device in full view.
Kevin winced when he saw how skinny Nick was, in every part on his body except for the stomach. He felt bad when he thought about the comments he had said to his little brother. They must have hurt. When they had been on the 100 hour tour Kevin had called him pork chops knowing Nick would get been very pissed over the nickname. Kevin had laughed to the tantrum that Nick threw, thinking that he was just getting plain fat. Knowing now what he knew, facts in hand, he felt awful. "Please forgive me," Kevin whispered to Nick, who was too busy at being sick to listen.
When Nick was finally done, he sank down into a heap on the floor and for a moment Kevin feared that he had stopped breathing. Then the lifeless form moved and Kevin felt it was appropriate to ask him the question that he had already spilled for the umpth time ever since Nick got this sick.
"Are you sure you donīt want me to call your doctor? She can give you something so that you stop being so sick."
Shaking his head, Nick mumbled a weak "No!"
Kevin sighed, wringing his hands in despair. Why did his little brother have to be so stubborn?
"Bu..but," Nick's voice was weak as he whispered through cracked and dry lips, "if she has a gun she is welcome to shoot me." He smiled briefly at his own dry joke.
Kevin's stomach clenched. "Is it that bad?" he asked as he rubbed Nick's back, like he had done so many times before.
"Nah," Nick tried to smile again, but it came out as a grimace, "Iīm just kidding. I feel like a million bucks." He barely had the last words out before another heave wracked his body and he was up over the bowl again, spitting bile.
This must have been a bad bout since Nick started to whimper, holding his stomach as he rode the attack out. "Oh God it hurts so much." Tears rolled down his cheeks once more.
"This is no good," Kevin muttered to himself as he stood up to fill a glass of water. Hunching down beside Nick, he handed him the glass as the last attacked died out. "You'll get dehydrated."
Taking the glass with shaky hands, Nick took a gulp of the cold water, wincing as it hit his sore throat.
"Take it easy," Kevin cooed, taking away the glass from Nick's shaky hands and holding it for him to drink. When he was done Kevin wet a towel and wiped away the sweat from Nick's body. Grateful Nick laid down again, relaxing. The worst bouts were over. For now.
Kevin sighed. Nick was slowly getting worse and he couldnīt even keep the water down anymore. He knew that the young man was prone to attracting all sorts of bugs and it wasnīt the first time that he had a hard time keeping anything down. As a matter of fact during the Black and Blue tour he had caught some bug that had him very sick for three days straight. They had all had their moments when they had been sick, yet none of them had been as stubborn as Nick who had continued to full fill the concert even if he had thrown up at the side of the stage. Another time Nick had been so sick that they had to run him fluid through an IV-line during show break.
Shaking his head Kevin looked at his friend. Being stubborn could be good, as long as it didnīt hurt someone. The road Nick had taken was no good and he didnīt like the way the young man became more and more weak after each bout.
"We need to get some fluids into you," Kevin said as he made one last attempt to change his friends mind. "There isn't any other soloution than to get you to the hospital."
Upon hearing those words, Nick's eyes flew open, "No...no I hate hospitals, besides this is not something I canīt handle..after all Iīm not dying or anything even if it feels like it," he smiled weakly as if to reassure Kevin that everything was just peachy. The smile however didnīt reach his eyes as they were filled with pain. When Kevin didnīt look too amused he continued, "Dr. Andersen said that the after effects could be pretty bad when she increased the chemo and gave me this device." He patted on the white device attatched to the belt on his stomach.
Kevin nodded, "How long have you had this?"
"Since yesterday...I didnīt think that it would make me so sick so fast," Nick sighed as he was thinking over the situation, "but Iīll guess that it is good."
"Why?" Kevin frowned.
"I guess that it's working, you know. If I didn't feel so shitty then maybe it doesn't have the same effect you know." Nick looked at Kevin, eyes pleading like he wanted the older man to agree with him.
Kevin nodded, but he knew better. His dad had been just as sick and the chemo did nothing to make him better. It just seemed to weaken him more and more. "Youīre tired," Kevin said as he pulled the blanket over Nick's shivering form. "Try to get some rest and maybe your stomach will have calmed down when you wake up."
"I hope so," Nick muttered, "I honestly donīt know how much of this shit I can take." Closing his eyes he wrapped the blanket tighter around him, burying himself into a cocoon.
Kevin stood up, stretching his aching legs and instantly Nick looked up from his nest, "Where are you going?" He sounded like a small child, afraid to be left alone.
"I just need to get something to eat. Iīll be right back." He patted the blonde's head. "Iīll just be in the kitchen if you need me."
"Mhm.." Nick had closed his eyes again as an overhelming exhaustion rinsed over him. Kevin waited for a moment and soon he could hear the even breaths indictating that the man had finally fallen asleep.
Suddenly the room felt small and stuffy and Kevin needed to breathe some fresh air. 'I have to get out of here,' he thought as he stumbled blindly out of the bathroom. The whole situation was choking him and his own fear rinsed over him like cold water as he once more was alone with his thoughts.
As he passed a mirror in the hallway he winced at the dishelved look it presented. He looked like crap. His shirt was unbottoned and his cargo shorts looked like he had slept in them, which he practically had. Running his hand through his short dark hair he couldnīt help to think that he looked older than before. Kevin Richardson was no young man anymore. In fact he had already started to gain some grey hairs. The fans would die if they knew that and he continued to dye it dark. Kristin, on the other hand, had nothing against that her man was maturing, since he was still looking as handsome as ever. Today there were little out of those goods.
Stepping into the kitchen the dogs came running to him, happy that there was someone to take care of them. "Hey you," he said as he opened the refrigerator and took out some dog food. The dogs wagged their tails, devouring the food he had presented to them. With a deep sigh Kevin sank down on the kitchen floor, head in his hands. It was like all of the air suddenly popped out of him, like a deflated balloon. Emotions washed over him and he started to cry. Silently.
It was starting to get too much and he had kept his posture up long enough. The flood finally broke and all the feelings inside him welled up. He hadnīt want to show Nick how bad this whole situation was effecting him. Besides, emotions always stirred up the kid. Yes, even with 22 years old on his neck, Nick was still a kid in Kevin's eyes. Now matter how old his little brother would become he was still their little brother. AJ, who was just two year older than Nick had never held that name. After all Nick was the backstreet baby.
Even if he hadnīt planned it at first Kevin had been the designated leader of the group. He was the father, the big brother and often held the lead when it came to interviews or holding a meeting. Nick on the other hand, being the youngest was wild and often had something up his sleeve and this irritated Kevin very much. He had thought that Nick was acting immature and there were more than one time that the big age difference had set them off into conflict towards each other. On top of that, they both had a hot temper. In the beginning Nick had respected Kevin, kind of looked up to him, but as years past Nick was being more of a rebel. The difference between Nick and the rest of the group was most evident when Kevin and Brian had gotten married. Then Nick turned to AJ and later Howie and went out clubbing almost every night. Even if Kevin didnīt like that kind of living he still accepted it since he had been down the same road too. Brian on the other hand had openly said how much he disliked it and that Nick was throwing his life away, drinking and playing around with different woman all the time.
For a moment Brian and Nick had drifted apart, but it looked like they were gaining back their friendship when Nick got sick with the cancer. There was something special with Nick. He was strong, strong in such a way that he never let any situation become too much for him to handle. He always found a way to deal with it. Up until now.
These days Nick was a shadow of the person that he used to be and that hurt Kevin deep in his soul. The younger man was known as being very easy going, not being far from laughter, even when he was not feeling his best. There was often a prank that he pulled on his brothers. But that was just one side of Nick. The other side was a very serious and gentle man, that had a warm heart and that cared for others. Genuinely. Nick had earned a reputation of being stupid, but nothing could be more wrong than that. He wasnīt slow in his thoughts, it was more that Nick was thoughtful, at the same time as he could say those quotes that had thousands of internet pages dedcated to him.
These past few weeks however, Kevin had a hard time detecting that liveliness that he often saw in his friend. It was like he had given up hope and was expecting the worst to come. Not that Kevin didnīt understand him, feeling so sick must be hard. But Nick was a fighter and he rarely quit. Never surrendered, not without giving up a fight. This reaction was new for Kevin and it scared him.
His thoughts were rudlely interrupted by a loud shrill from his cellphone. Picking it up from his pocket he answered, before clearing his voice. There was no need that the person on the other line would hear that he had been crying.
"Kevin Richardson," he said with a mature voice.
"Hey cus, itīs me, Bri!" A famous voice said with a slight southern accent to his tone.
Brian. A sense of relief came over Kevin as he heard his cousin's voice on the other line. Feeling like he would start to cry again, he bit his lip. There was no need to start worrying someone, yet it would feel so good to spill his guts to someone who could relate to this situation. And no one came as close to Nick as Brian.
"Hey man."
"I just wanted to check on how things are going," Brian said lightly. "Are you two are ripping each other's heads off?" There was a brief chuckle from the other end of the line.
Kevin swallowed hard, what would he answer to that question? His mind told him that if he told Brian how bad off Nick really was his cousin would book a flight back to Florida ASAP. This was not something he wanted to happen. Brian was needed with Leighanne, besides, he had to deal with this situation alone. Still he knew that if he witheld the truth, Brian would never forgive him, so he lost whatever decision he made.
Kevin opted for a white lie. "Yeah man, we're fine..although Nick is feeling a bit sick." He tried to make his tone as easy as he could.
There was silence on the other side of the line, as Brian took in the words. After a short moment he asked, "In what way?"
"Oh you know," Kevin swallowed, "he is a bit sick.. nauseous." Yeah right Kevin, he thought, a bit sick was the last thing he was. Deathly sick was another term that would fit better.
"Is he throwing up?" Brian's asked searchingly.
Kevin could tell that he was trying to estimate how bad off the "kid" really was. The words stocked up in his throat as he was about to say that everything was just peachy. Emotions dwelled up inside him again and suddenly he couldnt lie anymore, couldnīt pretend that there was nothing wrong. "Yes, actually Nick has been throwing up non stop since noon and he can't even keep water down." He drew his breath in as he continued, "Everytime I have tried to move him he is sick again." It felt so good to finally let go off the despair that he felt and caught in the emotions Kevin put his hand to his face, "God Brian.I donīt know what to do. I never seen him this sick before."
On the other end of the line he could hear his cousin breathing hard before he said with a shakey voice, "Iīm booking a flight ASAP."
Upon hearing those words Kevin couldnīt help but grin, despite the seriousness in the situation. How well he knew his cousin. What else would he have expected? After all they had practically lived close to each other 24/7 for ten years and there was very little that they kept in privacy from each other. Spending so much time together made them read each other in and out and therefore often could predict what reaction that would come.
"No," Kevin took away his hands, straightening up in his seat. He wished he hadnīt told so much as he could hear how upset his cousin was. That and afraid. "Leighanne needs you, besides I will be there for him and there isn't much you can do about it anyway." He was once again acting in the level headed, mature way that was the trade mark for Kevin Richardson. The way that they all expected him to act.
"Are you sure?" Brian sounded like he was torn between being with his best friend and being with his wife. "I mean I can come down now if you want me too."
"YES! Donīt worry." Kevin's mind reeled, he couldnīt upset Brian any more than neccesary. "Besides I even think that he is getting a bit better." Another lie.
"If you say so," Brians words were slow, then he said, "Have you called Dr. Andersen? She might have something for his nausea. She prescribed something earlier on..wait..what was it called..um..something like Noz..Nez..No...gosh, I donīt remember."
"Nick doesnīt want me to call her."
"Oh, I see," Brian sighed, "Leighanne has a doctors appointment and if things work out fine we could reschedule the flight to late night tomorrow or the latest the day after tomorrow."
"Relax," Kevin said calmly. "There's no need to rush. He will be here when you come back, he ainīt going anywhere."
As he said out the words out loud a pang of pain felt in his chest. A terrible thought crossed his mind, referring back to his own memories with his father. His dad had been home from the hospital on permission and Kevin had to go to a football camp. He didnīt want to go since he had a bad feeling about it all and wanted to be there for his dad instead. His parents had assured him that nothing would happen and that he would only be gone for a week and that his father would be there when he came back home. Reluctantly, Kevin had gone to the camp just to come home to an empty house. His dad had taken a turn for the worse and was admitted to the hospital. He never returned back home, a few days later he passed away.
"I guess you're right," Brian said thoughtfully, "It just puzzles me why he is suddenly starting to become so sick." The Kentuckian was more thinking outloud than directing them to Kevin. "There have been days when he has been really sick, but this sounds like it is worse."
"It might have something to do with the portable chemo device that Nick has attached to his stomach, the older man offered, "itīs like the effects are overhelming him."
"Device? What device are you talking about?" Brian's voice raised a level as he spat out the words.
At that moment Kevin could have bit his tongue. "Eh,..you..you donīt know about the portable pump that Nick is carrying on him?" He felt puzzled and the thoughts swirled in his mind, 'Why hadnīt Nick told anyone about this?'
"NO!" There were a mix between hurt and shock, "and I am suppose to be his patient advocate," Brian sighed, "I wish he would stop hiding everything."
Kevin, feeling the urge to make everything alright again felt bad. The last thing he wanted to do was to go between the two friends since they both needed each other. "Iīm sure that Nick meant to tell you, but you know things have been sort of hectic and he..."
"Yeah, yeah," his cousin interrupted him, "I know, you donīt need to make things better than they are. Nick has a habit of hiding stuff and I wish he would trust me more."
"Iīm sure it has nothing to do with trust," Kevin tried to be comforting.
"Then what does it has to do with then?" The voice was very upset. "Cut it Kev, you know that Nick has a hard time in trusting people."
"Yeah, but not you."
"Yes, even me. Ever since I married Leighanne it is like we donīt connect in the same way that we used to do. I donīt know if it is my fault or not. It's like we canīt talk as openly as before." Brian's voice sounded sad.
"But you were the first one that he told about his disease. That says some things."
A snort was heard on the other end and Kevin continued, "Donīt beat yourself up too hard. Kaos is a tough nut to crack."
"Yeah I know." Brian chuckled slightly, then he sighed again, "I just wished that he would stop keeping it all bottled up inside him, you know and that he realize that we wanna be there to help him."
Kevin agreed and they talked for awhile about how stubborn their little brother could be when a noise was heard from the bathroom. It sounded like something was falling and Kevin said in a hurried tone, "I think that Nick's woke up. I have to get going."
"Okay man, but call me if there is something going on and I will call you tomorrow to hear if things are any better." Brian had a worried tone in his voice.
"You do that and Bri," the older man paused for a sec, "donīt worry I'll be here for Nick."
"Yeah I know, itīs just that I.." Brian started but was instantly interrupted by his cousin.
"Listen. I have to get going now. I think Nick needs me. Give my best to Leighanne and good luck tomorrow. Iīll call you bye." With that he clicked off his cell and moved as fast as he could to the bathroom. The sight that greeted him as he entered the small room made his stomach tighten. His friend sat or more laid hunched over the toilet, wretching his insides out, making horrible sounds, face stained with tears.
"Oh Nick." He looked so pitiful that Kevin wanted to hug the shivering form. Instead he rushed forward and draped an arm around his shoulders, to steady him.
"Whe..when is this going to sto..stop?" Nick sobbed as he rocked back and forth, his arms wrapped around his midsection, dry heaving over and over again. Getting no respite to breathe.
"I donīt know baby, I donīt know," Kevin mumbled as he held the thrembling man. The body was wet with sweat and he stroked away Nick's hair just to find his hand full of hair. Kevin could feel his own tears burning in the corner of his eyes and he felt so hopeless as he watched the miserable form infront of him.
"Kev, I donīt know if I can take it anymore." the young man whimpered as he leaned back shakily against Kevin's shoulder. Thrembling he mumbled, "Iīm sorry."
"Sorry?" Kevin jerked back, "for what?"
"Fo..for being such an nu..nusiscance." Nick shivered as he tried to get his bearings.
"Nuisance? Youīre not a nuisance."
"Ye..yes I am and..and I am so..sorry for ma..making you..go..go..th..through th..this." He stuttered both from the cold, but also from having a hard time saying the words out.
"What do you mean?"
"Br..Brian said that you..your dad you know the..the can..cancer..I mean..you..you..itīs ha..hard..you know" His voice was weak and he didnt have the energy to fullfill the sentence so Kevin cut him short.
"No Nick, you donīt have to appologize for anything, and yes youīre right it is hard watching you being this sick, but.." Kevin stroked Nick's hair over and over again and he could sense how his friend relaxed hearing the last words, sagging against the older man. Kevin voice was filled with emotions, "you're my little brother and I will be there for you no matter what happens." With that he hugged Nick hard as he felt his own tears run down his cheeks.
