So tired of the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin, just one touch
and I’ll be in too deep now to ever swim
or catch the current
So let me slip away.
CHAPTER ONE~ Past & Present
A flash of bright blue eyes. Deep brown hair. The feel of her fingers on his face. AJ woke up abruptly, raking his hand through his stiffened hair.
“Shit.” He thought glancing around. He had fallen asleep in one of the bus seats again and his back was killing him. He stretched and walked quietly over to one of the beds. As soon as his head hit the pillow the images from his dream came back. Tiredly he rubbed his eyes.
“God could you let me sleep just one night without her on my mind? You think you could do that for me?” AJ thought sarcastically.
He didn’t know what was worse–the fact that he couldn’t erase her from his mind or the fact that she was on this bus, only a few steps away from him. Best friends since they were in the third grade; nothing, or no one was supposed to come between them.
AJ turned over on his side uncomfortably. When she was eighteen, and he was a few months older at almost nineteen their relationship had changed. Something inside both of them said that it was more than Saturday night movies. It was more than having someone you could act completely stupid in front of and not even care what they thought. It was something different. It was him wanting to protect her, keep her safe. It was him wanting to touch her face gently and kiss her slowly. It was him wanting to hold her, and have her be his own.
AJ sat up in bed and looked around again. The bus seemed to be moving about 5 miles per hour. He wasn’t sure if this feeling would ever go away. Was he ever going to be able to sleep or go through one single day without wanting her?
When AJ told Elle about his joining a music group, she wasn’t surprised. He has always loved music and he would sing to her all the time. He would always be talking about how he wanted to be famous someday and sing in front of the world. He went for the audition and found that he was going to be in the group along with four other guys. One of them he knew and had even introduced Elle to earlier, Howie Dorough. AJ and Elle were only sixteen but the two of them could see AJ’s world changing rapidly. Elle was there for him thorough it all.
One night, two years later, Elle received a call from him late at night.
“Hello?” Elle groggily picked up.
“Elle, I need to tell you something.”
“Alex–what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Elle was sitting up straight now.
“No Elle, everything’s fine.” He said slowly.
“Then what, what do you need to tell me?”
“Elle, I’m in love with you.”
There was a long pause between them. Elle swallowed a few times and looked around the room aimlessly. Her eyes rested on a picture of her and AJ together. He was grinning cheesily and she was sticking her tongue out.
“Alex,” She could hear him breathing over the phone.
“I know...I know its...”
“Alex, no its okay. I’ve–I mean, I never thought you would say that.”
“Well, I mean it.”
“When, I mean...how...I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t know Elle, its been going through my head for such a long time now. I just couldn’t let this build up inside me any longer. I couldn’t sleep, you were on my mind, like always. Just tell me how you feel–and if you need time I understand.”
“Alex, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve known you since third grade. I’ve been through everything with you. And you’ve been through everything with me. I mean, the thought of holding you in my arms or staring into your eyes–the thought has crossed my mind but...”
“Do you lie awake at night wishing you weren’t alone in bed? Like I do? Wishing you were here? Elle...I do know everything about you, but doesn’t that make me more qualified to love you? I love everything about you, even though we fight sometimes, I couldn’t live without you. You are my best friend, but I need you in a different way now.”
Elle swallowed hard, “I do need you, and I am lonely.” She admitted.
“Then why do you make it sound like a love between us is impossible?”
“I don’t know, it scares me.”
“Elle, I love you. Oh my God I love you, it scares me too, but its okay. I’ll never hurt you baby girl, ever. I’ve cared about you and protected you since I pushed you down the slide. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m right here, like I’ve always been, but in a different way.”
“So when do I get to see you?” Elle smiled.
AJ called her every day after that night, until the next month when AJ came home for the
weekend. Elle met him at the airport. As soon as she saw him she rushed into his arms.
“Her hugs,” he thought as he lay there eyes open wide. There wasn’t a sound being made on that damn bus, it was too quiet.
A few months after they met at the airport, Elle decided to come and visit AJ at a Miami hotel where he was staying while the Boys were on tour. She came quietly, later at night wearing the floral sundress that AJ had bought her. It was spaghetti strapped, but fit her perfectly.
“You look beautiful.” He smiled taking her hands her in his arms.
“So do you.” She smiled cheesily at him and he laughed.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too Alex.” She looked him in the eyes as he leaned in to kiss her. She ran her hand through his hair. She always did this. He rested his hands on her hips, caressing her back. AJ pulled his lips away from hers.
“I love you Elle.”
“I love you too Alex.”
He put his hand up to her cheek and looked in her eyes. They had talked about making love for a while now, and both of them knew they wanted to.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” AJ asked her sincerely.
“Yes,” She replied shakily, “Do you?”
“Yes.”
AJ recalled every hesitant and trembling touch they shared that night. The looks, the words, everything. He sat up straight again. He at least wished he was in his own hotel room, so he wouldn’t have to worry about waking anyone up.
“God damn you, Elle. God damn you for being my best friend and my bandmate’s girlfriend."
Howie and Elle, yes they looked perfect for eachother. And that was exactly what bothered the hell out of him. There was nothing wrong with them. The were insanely perfect. Their cutesy kisses, their hand holding, their eye contact, the way they snuggled up to each other whenever they had a moment. It made him sick to his stomach, insane with jealousy. He found himself drawing away from the group whenever they went out. He’d stay in the hotel room and write songs. His thoughts had seemed to over take him, not letting him be the Alex he once knew. Howie had invited her to spend a couple weeks with him on tour. She wrote a column for the magazine Glamour, so it was easy to take her work with her. The two of them had a hard time being apart. There were times AJ would watch her as she stared out of the bus window. Sometimes she would smile and hug herself, other times she had tears in her eyes. At those times, AJ would come and sit beside her, they didn’t say anything. They didn’t need to.
AJ finally fell asleep that night, at 3 a.m. They arrived in New York City that morning and
pulled into the arena. Everyone was awake on the bus, except AJ.
“Go ahead Howie, let me just check on AJ.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek as he walked off the bus.
Elle sat on the edge of AJ’s bed and ran her hand through his hair gently.
“Alex,” She whispered, “We’re here.”
He didn’t move or wake up. Elle looked at AJ’s sleeping face. His dark hair matted and sticking up all over the place. It was apparent that he had been running his hands through it. His lips were slightly parted and he was breathing slowly, his chest moving up and down. She continued to run her hand through his hair and whisper his name.
She saw his eyes flutter open and rest on her.
“Elle?”
“Hmm?” She smiled.
“What? I mean...”
“It’s time to get up, we’re here. You were dead asleep.”
“Yeah,” he sat up, “couldn’t sleep last night.”
“I figured, I heard you rustling.”
AJ sat up and nodded.
“Uhm, are you ready to go?” She glanced at him and noticed he was wearing no shirt and just boxers.
“Not really.” He chuckled softly.
She smiled, “Well unless you want to go wearing that.”
AJ quickly put his hands over the opening in his boxers.
“Sorry,” he laughed, “I totally forgot.”
“It’s okay its not like I haven’t...” she stopped.
AJ sighed, “I know.”
“Well, I’ll see you.” She smiled and stood up.
“Yup.”
She started walking off when AJ stood up and called after her.
“Elle, wait.” She turned to face him as he walked closer. “Thank you.” All he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted her in his arms. He wanted to tell her how much his heart ached for her love, but he couldn’t. He knew he was being selfish. Howie
was one of his best friends. He was always there for him whenever he needed someone for
anything. And Howie was in love with Elle, that he knew for sure.
“For what hun?” She smiled.
“Just for being there.” He smiled back as he studied her. Her brown hair was clipped back, a few strands loose. Her hazel eyes were darker than usual, which scared him. She had a curvy elegant body, that he knew, but she would always cover it up as much as she could. He had to stop himself from thinking about her beautiful body underneath.
“Hey, everything alright Age?” She placed a hand on his shoulder, taking him out of his daze.
“Yeah,” He sighed, “I’m alright.”
“Okay, well you’re still my best friend Age,” She smiled, “You just come talk to me.”
He smiled back at her but didn’t say anything.
“Bye.” She turned and walked off the bus.
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