How was I supposed to know that Christmas Eve dinner at Alyssa's house required a jacket and tie? Nick asked himself, as he uncomfortably took his seat at the table, a few hours later. As soon as he had walked into the dining room, he knew that his faded jeans and button down shirt had been a mistake. Compared with the rest of the Martinelli family he seemed grossly underdressed. Glancing around the room, he noticed that both Scott and Alyssa's father wore crisp looking dress shirts tucked into their pants and ties, while Alyssa, her sisters, and her mother all wore skirts.
"How come you didn't tell me I was supposed to dress up?" he hissed to Alyssa beside him.
Alyssa shrugged. "It's Christmas Eve Nick. I thought that you'd have known."
Nick sat sulking for a moment. Thankfully enough he had the common sense to have packed at least one pair of khakis and a nice sweater for tomorrow, so he wouldn't have to make the same mistake twice. Yea, and with your luck Carter they'll probably come out wearing tuxedos and evening gowns and you'll wind up looking even more like an ass.
His pouting didn't last long though once he caught sight of the feast that lay in front of him. Alyssa had often joked that her mother could cook enough food to serve a small army, and finally Nick found himself believing it. The dinner consisted of tossed salad, shrimp scampi, flounder,a pan of lasagna, and fresh Italian bread. Already he could feel his taste buds watering from the fresh aroma of the food. He was just about to dig in when he was interrupted by Mr. Martinelli's booming voice.
"In the name of the father..."
Oh, hell no. Were they actually saying grace? I guess it's a good thing I didn't just start grabbing, he realized. Somehow he got a feeling that wouldn't have gone over very well within his company. Glancing over at Alyssa, he saw that her head was slightly bowed and she was mouthing the words along with her father. The scene made Nick uncomfortable as he shifted in his seat unsure of what to do. He was not all a very religious person and he doubted if his family had ever actually prayed before a meal, even on Thanksgiving. Luckily, everyone else was too busy looking somber to notice him.
Finally the prayer ended and again Nick went to grab his fork only this time he felt a sharp pain go through his leg. Trying not to cry out, he bit his lip and was met with a disapproving look from Alyssa. That's when it hit him. It had been her that had kicked him! And those pumps that she had been wearing hadn't exactly helped matters either. "What was that for?" he whispered between clenched teeth.
Alyssa's hand pushed the fork away from his. "We have to have a toast."
A toast? For God's sake! At this rate by the time they got around to actually eating the food, it would be ice cold.
Unfortunately, Mr. Martinelli was one of those long winded speakers and Nick wanted to bang his head against the table listening to him drone on about the importance of family and how glad he was that his three daughters were able to join him on this 'joyous holiday.' Man... This guy could even give Kev a run for his money, he thought as he played with the stem of his wine glass.
Finally he snapped out of his daydream just as everybody else was raising their glasses. He quickly picked up his, hoping that no one had noticed the few drops of wine that had splattered out of his glass and onto the tablecloth.
"To family," Mr. Martinelli announced.
"To family," everyone else echoed before taking a sip (or in Nick's case a gulp) of their wine.
Finally to Nick's relief, the food was passed around. It was silent at the table, while everyone loaded up their plates until Alyssa's father broke the silence. "I meant what I said earlier during the toast."
What exactly did he say again? Nick found himself racking his brain to remember.
"I really am thankful to have all three of my girls home with me this year." Oh, that. "Especially since you'll all out living on your own now and each have things going on in your life. And of course I'm grateful to have my son in law here." He paused to grin in Scott's direction, but then turned his attention on Nick. "And Nick."
And Nick? Was it just my imagination or did he say my name as if he were trying not to choke on it? Nick struggled to decide. If anyone else noticed it besides him, they certainly didn't seem to show it.
Again there was silence until Nick decided that maybe he should at least try to get the conversational ball rolling being as he was the outsider of the group. "So, what do you usually do to celebrate Christmas Eve besides all this food?" Okay, it was pretty lame, but at least it was something.
"Actually we really don't do much else. After dinner and dessert we all help put the presents out under the tree and fill the stockings and stuff. Then sometimes Meg, Steph, and I watch a Christmas movie before bed," Alyssa explained. "That's pretty much it. We do all the gift exchanging tomorrow morning."
Meg sighed, her eyes all of a sudden looking as if they were swept up in memories. "I can't even begin to tell you how many Christmas Eve's Alyssa slept in my room and we'd stay up all night listening for any sound of Santa Claus."
Alyssa's eyes lit up. "How could I forget! We'd glue ourselves to the window and every time we saw lights from an airplane we'd run back to bed and pretend to be fast asleep, so Santa would bring us presents," she explained to Nick. "It was pretty funny how naive we were."
Alyssa's mother sighed. "The holiday just isn't as fun without any little children to share it with. I can't wait until we have grandchildren. There's nothing more precious than a child opening toys on Christmas morning."
Alyssa's eyes automatically settled on Meg who looked uncomfortable. Leave it to their mother to zero in on the one issue that was the most sensitive to her oldest daughter right now. In an attempt to remedy the situation, she quickly took the conversation into a new direction before Meg could start tearing up. "Yea, little kids on Christmas are pretty cute. Unless you're like Stephanie when she was little chanting 'Gimmie presents! I want presents!' And every time anyone even picked up a package she'd be like 'That mine? That mine?'
Stephanie laughed. "What can I say? I was a greedy little child. You have to be when you're the baby of the family."
Meg shot Alyssa a grateful look from across the table. "But let's not forget Steph that you're the only one of us who ever got coal in their stocking."
"Coal?" Nick asked, pretending to be shocked. "Uh oh... What did you do to deserve that?"
"Told my Mom to shut up on Christmas Eve. I think I was all of five years old at the time," she proudly replied.
"That's Stephanie. The family rebel. She was even out of control as a five year old," Alyssa joked. "Although I'll never forget the year that Mom actually packed up all your presents and put them out in the garage and told you that you weren't getting any gifts."
"And then I forgot I put them there and Christmas Eve I'm outside dragging all these presents back in the house in the dark," her mother, chuckled. "Last time I pulled that little trick."
"I think my most memorable Christmas though was the year I got my very first cell phone. I was fourteen and it was the very first present I opened and after that I didn't even want to open any other presents," Stephanie piped up with a laugh. "I thought I was just the hottest thing all because I had a cell phone."
"My most memorable Christmas was the first Christmas after I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in the middle of my chemo and I begged the doctors to let me come home from the hospital for Christmas," Meg wistfully remembered. "They really didn't want me to, but finally they gave in and I got to spend Christmas with my family which meant a lot."
Not to be left out Alyssa thought hard for a second to find one of her most vivid holiday memories. Preferably something light and a little silly to contrast Meg's serious story. "I'd have to say mine was the year I got that play kitchen. I walked into the living room on Christmas and there it was standing by the tree. I was so excited because I wanted one so badly. Then I started to open up the rest of my presents and to my dismay all I got was play food for the kitchen. I was so mad because Meg got all these Barbie Doll's and all I got was plastic muffins!"
"Honey, how can you play with a play kitchen without play food?" her mother pointed out.
"You could've bought me a few non play food gifts," she argued, but then realized how pointless it was to continue an argument over a gift that she had received when she was all of six.
"Aww... With all that practice playing in an imaginary kitchen you'd think that you'd actually be able to cook," Nick began to tease.
Alyssa pretended to gasp. "Hey! That's a pretty low blow though! Okay, Mr. Smartypants, why don't you tell us about your most memorable Christmas if you think you know so much."
"Okay then... I will," he told her, but when he started to really think about it he was met with the realization that he never really had one. There were no cute anecdotal stories like Alyssa and her sisters had in his childhood. In fact, he could barely remember a Christmas before he had started touring with the guys. With five children, there never was a lot of money around the holidays in his family. Then he'd signed the record deal with the rest of the guys and things had changed. His own parents had changed. He supposed there were a few memorable Christmas's after all... Him and his mother spending Christmas overseas in Europe away from the rest of his family, just to make an appearance on some overseas Christmas special...Him fighting with his mother over his decision to spend Christmas with his ex girlfriend Mandy and her family, then finding out that she had done an interview with the tabloids criticizing him for it... (Funny how now she seemed to care less if he spent the holidays with her now.) Then of course there was the awkward first Christmas he and Alyssa had spent together when they'd had Jane over for Christmas dinner...
Secretly, that was probably his most memorable Christmas. Alyssa had been so nervous about trying to make a good impression on Jane which Nick had found adorable. Jane Carter never liked any of Nick's girlfriend's no matter how genuine they were. She'd worried about everything from her appearance to the dinner that she had worked so hard on. Of course Jane had found fault with nearly everything that she could. But Alyssa... She took it all in stride and although Nick could tell that deep inside she wanted to cry, she had held her head up high and did not let Jane have the satisfaction of knowing that she had gotten to her. Afterwards of course, when Jane had left, she had burst into tears, blubbering "Your Mom hates me!" Nick remembered holding her in his arms and explaining to her that his mother hated everyone. She'd finally managed to calm down and after a few glasses of wine and a fire, they had ended their night making love underneath the Christmas tree...
Of course there was no way he could explain all of this to the rest of Alyssa's family, so he just mumbled, "I can't think of any right now."
Alyssa's lip lifted in a triumphant grin. "I figured as much."
"Oh yea. I forgot to mention," Alyssa's mother, interjected. "We're planning on actually making it to midnight mass tonight. You two are coming right?"
At the word mass, Nick's face paled. Him? In church? The last time he had been in one was at Brian's wedding. The roof will probably collapse if I walk in, he predicted. It wasn't that Nick didn't believe in God. He just didn't really consider himself a very spiritual person. He figured that Brian prayed enough for the two of them, so he didn't have to. Deep down, even though he'd never admit it to anybody, the reality was that he was afraid that if he were to be more religious it would be hypocritical of him. He was far from a saint. In fact, in the eyes of most religions he was a just one big walking sin. Even though Brian had tried to explain to him several times that God forgives everything, Nick was still uncomfortable with the notion of religion. And now he was being asked to do the unthinkable, to actually attend a Catholic church service. God, I could sure use a smoke... he thought as his eyes frantically searched for the nearest ash tray.
"What's the matter?" Alyssa asked him, sensing his discomfort.
"I need a cigarette," he muttered, as he stood up reaching into his pocket.
"You'll have to go out to the patio. My parents don't like anyone smoking in here because my Dad has asthma. I'll come with you," she offered.
Nick followed Alyssa towards the sliding glass doors leading out to the patio while he fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter. Just as he was stepping outside he could overhear the voice of Alyssa's mother from the dining room ask, "Since when did he start smoking?"
Alyssa joined him on the patio, sliding the door closed behind her. There was a bit of an awkward silence between the two of them as Nick lit his cigarette and slowly inhaled.
"I'm sorry about my family," she finally said after what seemed like an endless amount of time. "I should've prepared you better I guess. At least told you to dress up."
Nick sighed, taking another drag. "It's not your fault, Alyssa. I should've known better. I guess I kind of forgotten how traditional your parents are. Not exactly the way I was brought up, that's for sure."
"Sometimes they're a little too traditional. Especially my Dad. If I hadn't moved down to Florida for college, who knows where I'd be? Sometimes all this 'family togetherness' crap really can get on my nerves."
"I think its kinda nice actually," he quietly replied. "At least he cares. Which is more than I can say about my parents."
"Nick... Don't say that. Your parents do care about you deep down. They just have a funny way of showing it," Alyssa tried to console him.
"Yea, right... They care so much that neither of them even cared if I was home for Christmas. My Dad's too busy with his new family and my all my Mom cares about is how much weight I've put on, or who I'm romantically linked with this week. If all I had to deal with was strict parents, I'd consider myself lucky. Honestly, your parents are just looking out for you because they love you. They don't want you getting involved with some low life like me."
Alyssa looked at him sympathetically. "You're definitely not a low life Nick."
"Face it Alyssa. I'm fucked up. I don't belong here," he solemnly stated.
The grave sound of his voice, sent a chill through her body. She distinctively remembered Izzy warning her that Nick had over the years became a very unhappy person, but this was the first time she herself had seen this side of him and it was painful to witness. He's been through too much shit. Been hurt by too many people, she realized. The scars that he had received within the time period they had been apart were becoming more and more apparent, and Alyssa wanted nothing more to make them go away. This Nick was only a shadow of the man she had originally fell in love with.
She reached out to grab his shoulder and looked up into his eyes. "Listen to me. You belong here, okay? Granted, you may not be my parent's favorite person, but you're here because you want to be a part of some kind of normal family. And mine has to be the best example of your all American tv sitcom kind of family that you'll ever going to find. My parents might be a tad bit disapproving, but they'd never turn down someone who agrees with their definition of family. So you see, you do belong here."
Nick didn't respond, but Alyssa could tell just by the warmth in his eyes that he had understood and that her speech had reassured him. She knew Nick well enough to realize that he just was at a loss of words on what to say to that.
"You're really uncomfortable about going to church with my family tonight, aren't you?" she continued.
"How'd you know?" he asked, sounding surprised.
Alyssa chuckled. "Just a lucky guess. Also the panicked look on your face when my Mom mentioned the word 'mass' was another dead giveaway."
He could feel his cheeks growing pink. "Yea, well churches and I... We don't exactly go together all that well."
"If you want, I'll make up an excuse to my Mom and I'll stay here with you," she offered.
"You'd do that? But what about your parents? Won't they be upset?"
Alyssa shrugged. "Frankly I could care less what they think. Your my guest and it would be more impolite to leave you alone in a strange house."
"Thanks Alyssa," he said, wrapping his arms around her in an appreciative hug. "I really owe you for this."
"It's not a problem," she insisted. "Like I said you're my guest and-"
"You're too good for me," he cut her off, the words seeming to come out of nowhere.
Now it was Alyssa's turn to freeze and not be sure how to respond. You're too good for me... Did he really just admit that? Her eyes glanced upwards to search his face for any sign of expression, but his gaze seemed to be unreadable. Their eyes locked and the intensity of the moment came as a shock to her. Before she could even blink, his hands had dropped to her waist. Involuntarily, her arms snaked around his neck, guiding his lips towards her own. After what seemed like an agonizingly long amount of time, their mouths softly melted against each other.
As the kiss deepened, the cigarette that had been in between Nick's fingers, flew out of his hands as they crept up Alyssa's back. It landed at the bottom of their feet, completely forgotten. To Alyssa, it felt as if the entire world had completely stopped. Before long she completely forgot about the fact that she was freezing from being outside without a jacket on, and she didn't even seem to mind that she could still taste the cigarette that Nick had just been smoking. None of that mattered. Somehow she sensed that the trembling feeling that had began to creep up inside of her had nothing to do with temperature outside.
And that realization sent off a red light in her mind. What are you doing? she found herself asking. Things are complicated enough between the two of you and earth shattering kisses are doing nothing to improve the situation. Reluctantly, she willed her lips away from his and wriggled out of his grasp, breathing heavily.
"I should get back inside now. I'll uhh let you finish up out here," she stammered. Before she could say anything else extremely awkward she rushed inside, sliding the door behind her.
Once inside she leaned back against the cool glass and breathed in deeply her heart still pounding from the kiss. One thing was certain. That certainly wasn't just a kiss between two friends.
That was a kiss between two people who still loved each other... that were both too scared to admit it.
