I sat on the couch the morning, next to the bags I had packed the night before for Natalie. Anyone else would certainly find this situation insane. Me, surrounded my by alcoholic girlfriend’s bags, waiting for her to wake up at one o’clock in the afternoon. I sighed, checking my watch once again. Standing up, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I walked down the hallway to the bedroom, wanting to scream at her sleeping form. How could she just lay there, sleeping well into the afternoon, without a care about what I was going through to look after her.

“Natalie,” I said softly, leaning on the door frame. When she didn’t stir, I moved in closer, sitting next to her on the bed. It took everything in me not to brush away the few strands of auburn hair that had fallen in her face. I just wanted to touch her and have it bring her back to normal. She’d sit up, press her palm to my cheek and tell me to come back to bed with her. If only… “Natalie,” I tried again.

“What…” She mumbled, with out even a glance in my direction.

“You’re bags are packed, you have an appointment this morn--afternoon with a rehab center. It’s time to get up and go.”

She groaned, pulling the covers over her head. I wanted to scream at her. Flip the bed over, make her get up. Make her realize what she’s been doing to herself all this time. How could she not know?

“I’m not playing around Natalie. You need to get up,” I stood up, shoving the covers off of her, “Now.”

Natalie

I couldn’t understand what he was saying to me. Get up? Bags packed? The air felt like ice as Howie shed me of the warmth that his blankets provided. As I started to sit up, my head began its usual pounding. It was as if someone was throwing me against a wall over and over again.

“Howie,” I whined, “I’m tired.”

It didn’t take me long to realize that I should not have said that. “Tired? You’re tired?! Natalie you have been doing nothing but sleeping in my bed for weeks. You’ve hardly moved. How in the hell can you be tired right now? If you do not get out of bed, I’m going to personally haul your ass out myself.”

I just stared at him for a moment. Who was this man sitting in front of me? Had I done this to him? How horrible was it that I couldn’t even remember what he used to be like? All I could remember was this. This anger and frustration. The crying and the sadness. I never remember Howie crying before this. He kept telling me that he had lost all hope. That there was nothing he could do now; he had lost me. But had he? How could I not know?

He glared at me, pointing to the bathroom. “I’m going,” I muttered, standing up and walking slowly towards the shower.

* * *

An hour later I came out into the living room where Howie was waiting for me. He was sending me away, I kept repeating to myself. Why couldn’t I have just listened to him all those nights when he told me if I didn’t stop this he was going to have to leave me. Could I survive without him? What if I didn’t make it through this? Who would be there to take care of me? I remembered how often I used to tell him I loved him. I didn’t say that anymore. He stood up, walking over to the door. “Your things are in the car.” Opening it, I walked out in front of him, my eyes only watching the movement of my own feet.

It wasn’t too much longer and we arrived at Beginning’s Rehabilitation Center. Not a word was spoken in the car on the way there. He didn’t even look at me once. Howie got out of the car so fast, I didn’t understand it. How badly did he want to get rid of me. Pulling my things out of the trunk, he waited outside for me. I couldn’t even unbuckle my seatbelt. I needed a drink, something strong. Something to make me just forget about this and go back to sleep. I could forget about everything in the safety of Howie’s bed sheets. My own private hideaway. I closed my eyes, sighing, before I got out of the car to follow him into the resort like building.

“Howie I don’t want to go.” I said quickly, before I could take another step.

He turned around, pulling my suitcases along with him. “Natalie, we are going. If you for one second thing this is easy for me--well…you don’t even know. C’mon…” He waited for me to start walking before continuing on towards the doorway.

He held the door open for me and I walked in, not being able to shake the feeling of abandonment. He was sending me away.