“When I was little, I used to be terrified of the Easter Bunny…because, well…let’s think about this for a minute shall we? There is this supposedly gigantic bunny that once a year breaks into your house and eats a carrot and then leaves you a basket. How can that not scare the crap out of you?”
“It would only scare the crap out of you if you’re a wuss!”
“Okay fine Kevin…maybe I’m just a wuss. Even still, every Saturday before Easter I would find myself in a total panic. I’d even go so far as to put a chair up against my door. Maybe holding the bat was taking things a little too far but even still, it was a GIANT RABBIT dude!
Anyway, when I was about six or seven years old, I was tossing and turning in my bed, trying my hardest to get to sleep, when I swear to God I saw a huge pair of bunny ears coming up by my window. My bedroom window! I sat up in a total panic…I mean here I am locked securely in my room so this way the stupid bunny can’t eat me by mistake instead of one of the carrots my mother put out for it. I told her that was mistake number one, what kind of huge ass bunny wants to eat a carrot? I even tried to order it a Dominoes pizza once. My mother would have none of that…”
“Your point AJ?”
“Relax Kev…I’m getting to it.”
“So, I think I see bunny ears slowly making their way up to my window so I start freaking out. I jump under my bed and find my bat.”
“Why were you sleeping with a bat under your bed?”
“Because I had just lost a tooth the day before.”
“Let me get this straight…you had a bat under your bed because you lost a tooth?”
“Yes Nick…keep up…anyway…”
“What kind of disturbed child were you? You were going to hit the tooth fairy with a bat?”
“Look the only thing scarier than a huge ass bunny is a frigging tooth stealing fairy, don’t you think?”
“You have huge issues AJ.”
“Riight this comes from the kid who shit in a sock.”
“You’re never going to let me live that one down are you?”
“Dude…you shit in a sock!”
“Okay fine…what did you do to the scary bunny?”
“Well I grabbed my bat and sat ready to hit it if the need arose. I was so scared I think I might have piddled myself.”
“Hehehe.”
“What’s so funny Howie?”
“You said piddled.”
“Oookay…he opened my window and climbed inside…”
“You’re shitting me!”
“No, I’m serious dude…he came inside my friggin room!”
“But AJ…”
“Let me finish the damn story Nickolas!”
“Okay fine.”
“So, I am under my bed, hiding from him and I hear it say my name…where did AJ go? That’s what I heard him say. He knew my name!”
“And he really said it with a British accent like you just did?”
“Dude, that wasn’t British that was scary Easter Bunny-ish…”
“Oh, sorry…my mistake.”
“You’re missing my point Nick…he knew my friggin name!”
“He’s the Easter Bunny…he knows everything.”
“Even more than you Kev?”
“No, no one knows more than me Nick.”
“I forgot.”
“Hello…I’m just getting to the best part.”
“Sorry AJ…continue…”
“Thanks Kevin…anyway…so I jump out from under the bed and start screaming at him to get out of my room and he kind of tilts his head at me totally confused. That’s when I kicked him in the nuts!”
“AJ!”
“What? Sorry, but I was desperate, it was either him or me Howie…after I kicked him he fell to the ground and started yelling for my mother. Well I thought isn’t that great not only is this thing going to eat me but it’s going to tattle on me first. So I tell it to shut the fuck up.”
“You said the F word when you were only six or seven?”
“I was trying to be a hard ass and scare him silent.”
“Nice…”
“So he looks at me and suddenly he takes his damn head off and it was my uncle.”
“Oops.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said too. He grabbed my ear and yelled for my mother again. My God I got into so much trouble that night. My mom actually washed my mouth out with soap and then she took my bat away.”
“I’m glad she did that, I’m sure all the fairies and leprechauns slept better that night.”
“So that was my story, how I found out about the Easter Bunny.”
“I think you won that one…AJ.”
“I figured I would.”
“I just caught my mother putting candy in my basket. She thought I was sleeping but I had to get up and piddle… hehehe.”
“Howie you are so not right in the head.”
“She tried to tell me that the Easter Bunny asked her to do that for me, but I didn’t believe her because I knew that bunnies didn’t talk.”
“Isn’t it funny how we believe they will bring us candy but yet we can’t make ourselves believe that the bunny actually talks?”
“I thought it talked, in fact that’s how I found out there was no Easter bunny…I tried to have a conversation with him but he wouldn’t talk back.”
“Why do I think this will be an amusing story?”
“Because it is AJ…I was probably about four at the time and my mother convinced me that she caught the Easter Bunny and that I could keep it.”
“Why on earth…”
“They bought me a bunny for Easter, well me and BJ had to share it, but even still it was cute and cuddly. I named him Bock Bock…you know…after those Cadbury Egg commercials…like thank you Easter Bunny… bock bock.”
“Okay that was precious…keep going.”
“Are you going to eat that last egg roll Kevin?”
“I thought you wanted pizza.”
“I did, but now that you are all eating Chinese I kind of want some too.”
“I knew you were going to do that, you always do that.”
“Can I have that last egg roll?”
“Yes Nick, take it.”
“Thanks Kevin…so where was I?”
“Talking bunny.”
“Oh right, thanks D…so I sat with Bock Bock on my lap and spent the entire day trying to get him to talk to me. No matter how hard I tried, he never said a word. So I started to cry and that’s when stupid Joe Campbell came over and started making fun of me.”
“I am always amazed that you remember the kids who picked on you. I mean you barely remember our names but yet you always remember the bullies first and last names.”
“Shut up…whoever the hell you are.”
“Cute.”
“Thanks, I try….so Joey comes up to me and starts telling me that Bock Bock isn’t the real Easter Bunny because he can’t talk so my mother was only lying to me because he had the real Easter Bunny and his name was Jeff.”
“The real Easter bunny’s name is Jeff?”
“According to Joey, yes…and he supposedly not only talked but also sang and danced and handed out candy to all the kids in the neighborhood…except me.”
“And you believed him?”
“Yes Kevin, why wouldn’t I believe him? I mean… my bunny wasn’t doing any of the things his bunny was doing.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t actually see his bunny doing any of that stuff either, did you?”
“Well…no.”
“But yet you actually believed that some punk ass kid would have the real Easter Bunny…named Jeff.”
“I was only 4.”
“You would think the same thing if it happened today Nick.”
“AJ…better get your bat I think I see Santa behind you.”
“Okay good point…anyway, I hope you beat that kid up.”
“No I didn’t, he was much bigger than I was, and besides why would he lie about that? So I was distraught and went to my mother all mad because she gave me some generic bunny and not the real Easter one. I held Bock Bock up to her and said he was broken. She smiled at me and said that I was right, Bock Bock wasn’t the actual Easter Bunny but his cousin and Bock Bock was much shyer than the actual Easter Bunny. Well, that made me even more upset because…Howie can you pass me that Fried Rice?”
“Here ya go…”
“Thanks…so…where was I?”
“You were even more upset…”
“Thanks AJ…so yeah I was even more upset because this horrible kid had the real Easter Bunny so how bad must I be then?”
“That’s just tragic Nicky…so what did you do?”
“I took Bock Bock and I ran away.”
“What about BJ?
“What about her?”
“It was her bunny too, wasn’t it?”
“Well yeah, but he liked me more.”
“But how would you know that if he didn’t talk?”
“Because we had a connection…can I finish my story now Kevin?”
“Yes, but only if you take your damn hands out of my Sweet and Sour Chicken.”
“Fine…so Bock Bock and I ran away to find Jeff but before we got there my dad found me and pulled me into his truck and told me there was no such thing as an Easter Bunny. He was mad and just blurted it out…he felt horrible for doing that…so that’s how I found out.”
“Well, that didn’t end like I thought it would…so you knew before Kindergarten even?”
“Yeah, but I still believed until I was about 8. I thought my dad was lying…Bock Bock told me so….Stop shaking your head at me Kevin…so what about you?”
“My brother got mad at me for something and told me there was no Easter bunny.”
“That sucks!”
“Tell me about it! He got into so much trouble for that…my mother still brings it up almost every Easter…I wish I could be home with them.”
“I know…but this is fun too isn’t it? I mean it’s our first tour in a gazillion years and here we are all on a bus together in…where the hell are we?”
“Scranton, Pennsylvania Nickolas…and not all together, Brian is on his way home.”
“Right…Scranton Pa, on the eve of Easter. We just had a kick ass show, we’re back and life is beautiful…my belly is full…and Brian will not know all the fun he’s missing out on.”
“It should be… you just ate our dinner and your dinner.”
“Kevin…you know you love me.”
“Yeah…okay.”
“You do!”
“Nick…”
“Don’t make me come over there and kiss you.”
“I wonder when Brian will tell Bay about the Easter bunny?”
“No clue Howie…but I hope he waits a little while on that one.”
“Maybe he’ll buy him a tooth fairy bat in the meantime.”
“Nick?”
“Yes AJ?”
“Kiss my ass.”
“Well…happy early Easter everyone.”
“Thanks Kevin…same to you.”
“I love you guys…and who knows maybe you’ll all wake up to find a basket hiding under your beds.”
“AHHH!”
“Sorry AJ.”
Hope everyone had a great Easter/Passover. I'll have a new Why chapter for you next week. I just thought i'd take a little break lol
