Nick ran his fingers through his hair and looked at himself in the mirror. He went over everything to make sure he had it all. Black shoes, black socks, black tux, hunter green vest. Hunter green, her favorite color.
He patted his right coat pocket and felt the ring box tucked safely in it. He pulled it out and looked at it for what must have been the millionth time. It was simple, but beautiful. A single platinum band that perfectly matched the princess cut diamond engagement ring on her hand right now. That was what she had always said she wanted. He flipped it just right to see the engraving on the inside of the band, Two hearts, one love. Forever.
He sighed and looked down at his new puppy sitting on the floor. “Just two more hours.”
Nick pulled up in front of the church and parked. He sat there for a minute just watching the people go in. How many people were invited to this thing anyway?
He was lost in thought when someone knocked on his window. He looked over to see Brian waiting rather impatiently for him to roll down the window.
Before Nick could even get the window all the way down Brian began talking.
“Are you planning on coming in any time soon? Everyone is waiting on you. There are things to do before the wedding actually starts.”
Nick just nodded and rolled up the window. He turned his cellphone off and put it in the glovebox, then he grabbed his keys and followed Brian into the church.
As he stepped in the door Nick took a deep breath and looked at Brian.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Of course you can, Nick. You don’t have much choice now.”
The guys stood around waiting for the word that it was time. Nick’s constant fidgeting did not go unnoticed by Brian.
“You going to be ok?”
“I don’t know.”
Before Brian could say anything else AJ walked up and said, “It's time guys.”
Nick stood frozen in his spot as she began to walk down the aisle. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.
Her long auburn hair fell cascading down her back, standing out against the stark white of her wedding dress. He couldn’t see them, but he knew her chocolate brown eyes were brimming with tears behind that veil. Tears of happiness.
He hoped nobody noticed his eyes were brimming with tears too. Tears of regret. He’d never loved somebody as much as he loved her. This was wrong.
Nick was in his own world until it was time to exchange the rings. He never heard the preacher ask for them, but he felt Howie tap him on the arm.
“The ring, Nick.”
Nick looked at it one more time before handing it to Howie, then turned to look away. He couldn’t watch Howie marry the woman he knew he should have never let go of.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Howard Dorough.”
Just as the crowd erupted in cheers Nick’s stomach lurched. He’d lost her. Before there had been some chance he could win her back, but not now.
Howie made his way down the aisle with his arm wrapped around his new wife. Nick had to admit that they both looked very happy. Howie would never do to her what he had done.
Nick sat in the back corner of the reception hall watching all the guests dance, drink, talk, and eat. Everyone was too cheerful for him. He just wanted to disappear.
Brian made his way over to Nick. He grabbed Nick’s plate and glass and began to walk away.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Brian turned to Nick, his brows furrowed and his jaw set. “I’m moving you up to our table. You may not like the fact that you are here, but this isn’t your day, it’s hers. You are not going to spoil this for her.”
Nick just dropped his head in defeat and followed Brian to where all the guys sat.
“Good luck and many happy years.”
Nick sat down and everyone looked at him. Brian’s jaw fell open.
“Is that all you are going to say?”
“Yes, Brian, that is all I’m going to say. I don’t want to lie to everyone and tell them what a great couple I think they are, because everyone would know I was lying. Just leave me be, ok?”
Brian turned to look at Howie. Howie looked hurt, but he also looked like he understood. He hated that Nick was hurting over this, but this woman was his life and he couldn’t just let that go.
Nick leaned back in his chair and listened as all the guys rambled on about the perfect couple, the wonderful years ahead, and just total shit as far as Nick was concerned.
The night seemed to drag on. Nick glanced around looking for quick escape root. Then he felt a hand on his arm. It was her.
“I’m glad you came. I know this has been tough for you. I’d still like us to be friends. Nickolas, you will always have a special place in my heart, but it's impossible for me to be with you. You understand, don’t you?”
Nick just nodded. He knew she was right. He had hurt her, and she deserved better.
She walked over to Howie and wrapped her arms around his neck. Then she whispered in his ear and they headed out to the dance floor.
Nick’s eyes began to mist over. He had been so stupid. He let his mind play back over memories of them.
She looked down at the floor, tears flowing down her cheeks.
“What do you mean we should take a break? I thought everything was going good.”
Nick took her hand in his. He hated to see her hurt, but this was the only way.
“I have to go back in a week and I don’t feel its fair to you being alone for months at a time. This is for both of us.”
“Both of us? Nickolas, this is for you. I don’t want this, so don’t say this is for us.”
With that she grabbed her purse and walked out the door. Nick took a deep breath and then collapsed on the couch. His body began to shake with the sobs coming from his chest.
Why was it when he was completely happy, he always found a way to screw it up? It was just a matter of time before she found out the real reason he’d broken up with her.
A stupid one-night stand on the road turned out to be trouble. The girl ended up pregnant, and he just knew it was his. Call it a gut feeling. He remembered the girl, remembered how it had taken him a while to talk her into coming up to his room. Thinking back, he wished he hadn’t tried so hard.
Nick shook the memory from his head. The girl had lost the baby, by natural causes, but the damage had already been done.
Nick looked at her dancing with Howie. She had been so devastated when she had heard what had happened. It took her months to even look at Nick. Howie had been there to comfort her, and Nick had to admit that if anyone got her he was glad it was Howie. Howie would treat her right, and she deserved that.
Just then, the waiter passed by with a tray of champagne. Nick grabbed a glass and downed it. Then he grabbed another. He sat there for an hour drinking champagne. He didn’t even bother to count the glasses.
The band struck a cord, and it sparked something in Nick’s inebriated head.
He walked up to the band and began to whisper in the guitar player’s ear. He nodded and Nick walked over to the mic.
“Can I have everyone’s attention please?”
Brian ran up to the stage and began to pull on Nick’s jacket.
“Come on man, don’t do this here. Let’s go. I’ll take you home.”
Nick just shook Brian loose without giving him a second glance.
“This song is for the bride. I hope you enjoy it.”
The music began to fill the room and Nick began to sing.
I wasn’t looking for a lifetime with you.
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
“I do” and “I do”
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you’ll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation
And for the million hours that we were
Well I’ll smile and remember it all
Then I’ll turn and go
While you story’s completed mine is a long way from done.
Well, I’m on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I’d toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high, high
Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best – to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was< fine and so real – to me
And while I’m still gone
On the quest for my song
I’m at your – celebration
And for the million hours that we were
Well I’ll smile and remember it all
Then I’ll turn and go
While your story’s completed mine is a long way from done
Well I’m on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I’d toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high, high
Your wagons been hitched to a star
Well now he’ll be your thing that’s new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
‘Cause I’m old and I’m blue…
And for the million hours that we were
Well I’ll smile and remember it all
Then I’ll turn and go
While your story’s completed mine is a long was from done
Well I’m on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high… high…
So high, so high you left me undone
So high, so high you left me undone…
Nick let go of the mic stand and stepped down off the stage. He stared at the floor as he made his way across the room and out the door. He never saw the looks he was getting. He never wanted to. He never saw her tears falling either.
Brian ran out into the parking lot, and over to Nick’s BMW, but he wasn’t there. Brian glanced around the parking lot, but he didn’t see him anywhere.
Suddenly Brian saw movement across the street at a little park. Was that Nick sitting on the swings? It was.
Brian made his way across the street. He approached Nick slowly. He wasn’t sure what state of mind Nick was in and he didn’t want to frighten him.
As Brian got closer he could see the tears running down Nick’s cheeks.
Nick looked up at Brian and sighed. “That’s it Rok, she’s gone. There’s no chance in hell that I’ll ever get her back now. My world is gone.”
“Don’t say that Nick. You’ll meet someone new and you’ll be happy.”
“No way. She took my heart with her. I’ll never love again. Never.”
Brian sighed, then looked over at the parking lot. Leighanne was standing by the car, so Brian turned to Nick and said, “Come on Nick, I’ll drive you home. Leigh can follow us in your car.”
Nick silently stood up and followed Brian across the street to the car.
The long ride to Nick’s was excurciatingly quiet. He didn’t even say a word as he got out of the car and walked up the walkway to the front door.
As Leighanne slipped into the car Brian looked at her and she nodded. Knowing exactly what Brian was thinking.
“We’ll get a hotel close by instead of driving back to Orlando. Nick may need me.”
Leighanne grabbed her husband’s hand and smiled.
“I figured you’d say that.”
Nick looked down at the letter he’d just written. He poured his heart into it, but he doubted she’d even care. None the less, he had to write it anyway. He had to say how he felt.
He laid it on the bathroom counter and then looked at himself in the mirror. He looked awful. He was repulsed by what he saw. He didn’t even look like himself anymore, and he could blame no one but him.
He grabbed the note and walked into the bedroom. It was so quiet and lonely. He layed the letter on the night stand and then laid down on the bed.
He glanced over at the clock. 2:28am. Then he glanced at the letter.
“I hope she understands.”
Brian rolled over and kissed his wife gently on the cheek.
“Morning beautiful.”
“Good morning. Quiet night huh?”
Brian nodded and then glanced at the clock. 8:34am.
“I’m going to take a shower, then I’m going to call Nick and check on him.”
“Sounds good. I’m going to order some room service for us.”
Brian walked into the bathroom and started the water. He stepped in and just stood there for a while letting the hot water wash over him. He let his mind reflect back on the night before.
He finished his shower, and turned off the water. As he was drying off he heard Leighanne scream in the other room. He wrapped the towel around him and took off running. He found her sitting on the end of the bed in tears.
“What’s wrong baby?”
Leighanne couldn’t talk, only point to the television.
Brian turned up the volume and listened to the reporter talk.
“Around 2:30am this morning the music world lost another icon, the youngest member of the Backstreet Boys, Nick Carter. Neighbors heard a gunshot and called the local authorities. He was found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. He was only 24 years old. A note was found, but authorities aren’t revealing any details at this time.”
Brian didn’t hear anything after that. The reporters voice just trailed off. The only thought running through Brian’s head was that he never should have left Nick alone.
Finally he found his voice and he said, “Get dressed. We are going to the police station.”
He station was surrounded by fans when Brian and Leighanne arrived. As they walked to the door a girl grabbed Brian’s arm and said, “Please tell us it’s not true. Tell us they made a mistake.”
“We know just as much as you. We are here to find out what we can. We will make a press release once we have all the details.”
They continued into the station, and asked a deputy who they needed to talk to.
“Right this way. Seargent Marx is handling the investigation.”
Brian and Leighanne followed the young man through a sea of desks and paperwork to an office in the back.
“Sir, this couple is hear about the Carter case.”
“Very good. Please have a seat.”
Brian and Leighanne sat down and looked across the desk at the older man.
“I need to know for sure that it’s Nick. I just don’t believe he could kill himself. I’ve been his friend for years, and he’s just not strong enough to do it.”
The seargent took a deep breath and looked at Brian.
“Typically we don’t discuss any details with anyone but the family, but the family has given me permission to speak with any of his fellow band mates.”
“So you’ve contacted them?’
“Yes. They are on their way here to identify the body.”
Brian’s eyes began to sting. He’d told himself this couldn’t be real, but now there is too much proof for it not to be.
“The news said something about a note. Is there anyway I can see it? To make sure it’s Nick’s handwriting and all?”
The seargent flipped open a file folder and pulled out a plastic bag with a piece of paper in it. He handed it over to Brian.
Brian glanced at it and knew right away that it was Nick’s handwriting.
He closed his eyes and handed it over to Leighanne.
“Its his writing. I want to know what it says, but I can’t make myself read it. Please read it Leigh.”
Leighanne looked down at the note she was holding in her trembling hands. Slowly she began to read the words.
Sometimes I sit and think about you. Okay, most of the time I sit and think about you. You were my world, and I threw you away like it was nothing, but it wasn’t nothing.
I’ve gone through every detail in my mind probably a thousand times. There is no one but me to blame.
I still like to sit on the patio out back and stare out over the ocean and pretend that we are still okay. That you are going to walk out and sit down beside me and we will watch the sunset together. But you never sit down beside me, and the sun sets anyway.
As I sat at your wedding tonight, I realized that all hope of us ever getting back together was completely gone. Howie’s a good guy though, and I know he will treat you right. I hope you are happy with him.
I’m going to say good bye now. I saw the pain in your eyes tonight, and I never want to see that again. And I’ll never have to. All I ask is that you remember me. Remember all the good times we had together. Please, just remember me.
I love you always,
Nick
Leighanne could barely see through the tears to hand the note back. Brian’s sobs wracked his body. Millions of lives were just changed by those few words.
Brian stood suddenly and turned to Leighanne.
“I have to get out of here. Let’s go.”
They walked silently through the staton and out the front door. As soon as one girl saw the tears down there cheeks she screamed “NO!”, and then the rest of the crowd began to weep.
Brian and Leighanne got into the waiting car.
“You realize the group’s over now. We could never go on without him.”
“I know baby. Are you okay?”
“No. No I’m not. My friend is dead.”
The funeral was beautiful. Thousands of fans showed up to pay their respects.
“Kinda looks like Elvis’ funeral, don’t it?”
“AJ, do you mind?”
“Sorry D. I was just making a comment.”
“Well don’t.”
Kevin walked over to the two and said, “I guess I’m going to have to do this now. You guys coming?”
They both nodded and followed Kevin over towards the reporters. Brian joined them along the way.
As they aproached the reporters, the reporters began to shout questions at them. Kevin held his hands up to silence them.
“We are not going to answer questions. I’m going to make a statement and then we are done. Please do not bother us. We would like time to mourn our friend in peace.
"As you all know our new album is slated to release next week. It will release on it’s scheduled date as a tribute to our late friend. That will be the last album.
"We have all agreed that the Backstreet Boys are not complete without Nick Carter, so we have officially disbanded. We are no longer the Backstreet Boys.
"We thank our loyal fans for sticking with us through the years, and we hope that they understand why we are doing this.
"That is all. Thank you.”
Kevin then turned to the three guys and said, “This is it. We will survive this, even though it may not seem like it now.”
Tears began to run down his cheeks, and the rest of the guys joined in. They all hugged each other, then Howie looked up to the sky and said, “We are going to miss you little brother.”
