It had been a week since the funeral, and Howie was beginning to worry. The day of the funeral Noelle refused to go, saying only that it was just too hard to see Nick like that. When Howie returned home he’d found that she’d locked herself in a spare bedroom, and that’s where she remained.

He tried everything, but could never get her to open the door. He’d leave her meals sitting on a tray outside the door, and when he’d come back to check later the food would be there, barely touched, but touched none the less.

At the end of his rope, Howie did the only thing he could think of that might help. He called in reinforcements.

The phone rang twice before a southern accent answered.

“Hello?”

“Brian, its me. I need you, you and Leigh. I can’t… I just can’t…” Howie’s voice trailed off as the tears began to fall.

“What’s up? What’s wrong?”

Howie took a deep breath to calm him. After he regained a bit of his composure, he managed to get out one sentence. “It’s Noelle.”

“Ok, don’t worry. We’re on our way. It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.” Brian heard a sniffle and then a click.

Howie walked out onto the back deck and flopped down on a lounge chair by the pool. There his emotions caught up with him, and the tears began to flow freely down his face.

Noelle watched from the window, and it was breaking her heart to see the pain she was causing him, but she couldn’t face him yet. Every word, every face, every song, everything brought back memories of Nick and she felt wrong for thinking of him when she was suppose to be a happy newlywed. Howie deserved more, and she just couldn’t give him that right now.

She walked over and lay down on the bed. She covered her eyes with her arm and willed sleep to overcome her. Finally her wish was granted, letting her slip into a fitful sleep filled with nightmares and regrets.

She could see Nick sitting on the end of the bed, just watching her. She tried to reach him but it was as if the further she reached the further away he seemed.

“Nick?”

“Hello Noelle.” He smiled that half grin, and leaned back on the bed propping himself up with his elbows.

“What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here.” Noelle sat up straighter in the bed and pulled the comforter up to cover herself.

“I had to see you, to make sure you were happy. But honestly, you don’t look that happy to me.” Nick let his gaze trail over her body. She was pale, a bit thinner than he remembered, and her eyes were puffy from crying.

“Oh Nick, I… I never wanted anything like this to happen. You hurt me, and I wanted you to hurt too, but I never wanted you de…. gone. Why would you do something like that?” A single tear trickled down her face.

Nick moved closer to her and reached out his hand to wipe it away. “I want you to be happy, and so I removed myself from the equation.”

“But Nick, that doesn’t erase the memories. Just because you’re not here physically doesn’t mean your not here. You’re everywhere. Everything I look at reminds me of you. Why do think I locked myself in this room?”

Nick glanced around, his face lighting up with recognition. “The Christmas party?”

Noelle nodded, and her eyes twinkled as a small grin formed. “I had come in here to find my coat because I was ready to go and you weren’t getting the hint. I was searching through the coats when I felt these strong arms wrap around me. I turned around, and there you were smiling like a Cheshire cat. You leaned in and kissed me, and my knees went weak.”

Nick smiled. “I remember. I scooped you up, laid you on this bed, and locked the door. Then I just sat down on the bed and looked at you. You looked so beautiful. You had that red velvet dress on, that one that wrapped around and tied. And the way your hair fanned out over the pillows. All I wanted was to touch you.”

Noelle gently ran her fingers over the floral pattern of the comforter, as if touching it would bring her back to that night. “You made love to me on this bed. Then we curled up in each others arms, forgetting where we were.”

Remembering the next moment Nick laughed. “Yeah until Kevin came looking for his coat. We were running around the room trying to gather our clothes and get dressed, the whole time with him banging on the door. When we finally opened the door everyone was standing out there.”

“Yeah,” giggled Noelle, “we knew we were busted. Kevin just rolled his eyes and pushed past us. I remember you laced your fingers through mine and just led me down the hall and out the front door, leaving everyone standing there watching us. They never let us live that down.”

Nick just chuckled. He glanced around the room again, and then back at Noelle. She had tears running down her face.

“You see Nick, you’ll never be gone, and I’ll always hurt, now more than ever. Before the memories hurt, but I could get past them. Now when I remember us, I remember that you’re gone and that I had something to do with that.”

Nick just stared at her. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “How could you think any of this was your fault? I’m the only one to blame. I hurt you. I lied to you. I destroyed us. None of that was you. Nothing you did effected any of this.”

“That’s not true.” Noelle rolled over turning her back to Nick.

“Name one thing in this whole situation that was you. One thing.”

Noelle glanced back over her shoulder and barely above a whisper said, “The gun.”

Noelle sat up quickly and looked around the room. It had been a dream, but it had seemed so real. She could still feel his presence. She could still smell him. All of this proved to be too much, and the sobs began to wrack her petite frame.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been crying, but she knew that no more tears would come. It was as if she’d cried out all her emotions, and now she just lay there staring at the painting on the wall. That is until she heard a knock at the door.

“Noelle, its Leighanne. Can I come in?”

As if driven by some force, or the need to talk to someone, she got up and opened the door, allowing Leighanne to step inside before locking the door again.

Leighanne brought with her a tray with hot tea and sandwiches, which Noelle motioned to her to sit on the nightstand. Leighanne watched Noelle very carefully, trying to judge her emotional state by her movements, but she just seemed like an empty shell. Her eyes were red and puffy, but there was no sadness there, just a blank stare.

Noelle crawled back under the covers, and then waited for the inevitable.

“Noelle you can’t stay locked up in here. Its not healthy. You’re not eating enough, you don’t look like you’ve been sleeping much, and Howie’s worried sick. I mean…” Leighanne was pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed, letting her eyes follow the pattern of the oriental rug on the floor.

“I know.”

Leighanne stopped pacing and looked up at Noelle. “I’m sorry. What?”

“I know I can’t stay in here. I know its time for me to face everything. I just don’t know how.”

“One day at a time. No one expects anymore than that from you. Nick was a huge part of your life, and no one expects you to forget that.”

Noelle looked at Leighanne and shook her head.

“What? What is it Noelle?”

“Nick wasn’t a huge part of my life. He IS a huge part of my life.”

Leighanne mentally kicked herself. “Of course he is. And it will get easier with time. The pain will lessen as time goes on.”

“No it won’t. He will always be a huge part of my life. There’s no way around it. He will be there every day when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep.”

Taking a deep breath, Leighanne sat at the foot of the bed and looked Noelle in the eyes. “ I know it seems that way now, but…”

Noelle began shaking her head fiercely, tears forming in her eyes again. “You don’t get it. I’ll never be free. He will never gone.” Instinctively she wrapped her arms around her stomach in a protective manner.

“Oh sweetheart, its ok. Its going to be fine.” Leighanne wrapped Noelle in a warm embrace, and rocked her gently.