“You should probably know that I did almost die…” Lucky’s voice continued to haunt Nick as he drove in the car back to the hospital. It had been two weeks since the event and for some reason, Lucky had done everything she could to keep Nick away. After their first contact right after the accident, Lucky started to put up walls and even refused to see him if he asked to visit.
He pulled up to the hospital entrance and saw Lucky sitting in a wheelchair with Kendra the nurse at her side. Kendra smiled, Lucky didn’t.
Nick parked the car and ran around to the other side to open the door for Lucky and help her up into his Durango. Once he had her in and buckled, he closed the door and grabbed her bag from Kendra. She smiled at him encouragingly and he thanked her for all of her help.
Nick got back in the car and pulled away toward the apartment building. He glanced over at Lucky’s face and tried to reach for her hand. She moved it farther away from him and turned her eyes up to the passing skyscrapers. The 20 block drive drug on and on, and the continuous red lights did nothing to ease the tension.
Every time he tried to say something, he looked at Lucky’s frozen eyes and closed his mouth instead. After what seemed like hours, Nick pulled into the entrance of the apartment building and gave his keys to the valet. He and Lucky stood in a stubborn and awkward silence that he hadn’t felt since she moved in.
Once they got to his penthouse, he opened the door and watched her go into his room. “Thank God.” He thought to himself. At least she was going to stay with him.
He spoke too soon. As soon as he returned his gaze from the ceiling, he turned to see Lucky carrying her clothes out of his room. His mouth dropped and she sent him an icy glare. He quickly shut his mouth and followed her into her room.
“What are you doing?” He bravely asked.
“I’m moving back into my room.” She said simply and glared at him again. She walked back to his room and this time went into the bathroom and gathered all of her toiletries. She continued her trip two more times before finally heading back into her room.
Nick stood in the living room not sure what to do. Once she walked past him for the final time, he followed her and right as he was about to walk into her room, she slammed the door in his face. He heard the slight click of the lock being turned and just stared at the door.
“You have to come out some time.” He said and put his forehead to her door. He heard her crawling into her bed and then the familiar turning of pages told him that she was hiding out reading another romance novel.
After sitting outside of her room for about 45 minutes, Nick looked at his watch and realized that he missed lunch and it was quickly approaching dinnertime. He went into the kitchen and put together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before moving to the couch and turning on ESPN. A few bites into his sandwich, his doorbell rang.
Before he had the chance to get up and answer the door, Lucky came out of her room holding a few dollar bills in her hand. She answered the door and smiled brightly at the pizza delivery guy standing in the hallway.
“Medium pepperoni and mushroom?” He asked her, and looked around her to see Nick coming up behind her.
“Yup. That’s me. Thank you so much. Keep the change.” Lucky said and winked at him. She closed the door and turned only to run into Nick.
“You ordered pizza for us? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, hurt tinting his blue eyes.
Instead of answering him, Lucky headed into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to retrieve a can of soda. She kicked the door closed with her foot and went back to her room. Nick heard another loud slam and hung his head.
He returned to the couch and watched some of the NBA clips with a scowl on his face.
Meanwhile, Lucky sat in her room and stood with her eyes closed and her back against the door. A single tear rolled down her face. She wasn’t used to giving the silent treatment to anyone, especially not Nick. As much as she was used to getting it from him, it hurt not to feel like he trusted her. She didn’t know how much longer she would be able to last being so close to him, but keeping her heart so far away.
She put the pizza down on her bed and opened the lid. Picking up a slice, she turned on the TV and flipped to HBO, hoping to find something that would take her mind off of Nick. Instead, she found the movie version of RENT playing. She changed it to MTV’s Real World.
She took a few more bites of her pizza and tears streamed down her face. She looked at the slices laying in the box and thought about the times she and Nick would sit and share this same pizza and laugh and watch TV. He’s probably watching ESPN right now, she thought with a teary smile.
After finishing her slice, she picked up her phone. Dialing Lily’s number, she waited and her best friend picked up the phone on the third ring.
“Lily, I’m dying.” Lucky said.
“Wait, what?! Dying? I thought everything was ok, no complications with the surgery. Didn’t you get released today?” Lily asked, concern filling her voice.
“No, no. Not actually dying. I’m just … my heart … it just hurts. I’m so sad.” Lucky tried to explain.
Lily let out a sigh of relief. “Well, a broken heart I can deal with. You can’t start a conversation with ‘I’m dying’ after what you just went through. I wish I could be with you right now. I’m sorry I had to leave.”
When Lily first heard about the accident, she took the first flight into New York and stayed with Lucky and the hospital for a week. Knowing that she couldn’t stay forever, Lily regretfully left Lucky and returned to Chicago. Lily felt nothing but regret for Lucky being shot because she felt as if it were her fault.
“Lucky, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I swear I didn’t mean for that ‘Renee’ to slip out. I don’t even know how it happened. I haven’t called you that for years. Well, since you had to change it at least. And then, when you could change it back and didn’t … I just don’t even know what came over me.” Lily apologized again.
“Lily, it’s not your fault. I’ve already told you that. Even if Nick and I hadn’t been fighting, something would have happened. Jesse was just waiting for the right time and I should have been more aware. But really, it’s no one’s fault. Please stop apologizing.” Lucky said with a teary laugh.
“Ok, I’m sorry.” Lily laughed at her slip and then said, “So what happened? I thought you were going home today.”
“I am home. But I just can’t stand to be around him and the tension right now. I moved my stuff out of his room and now I’m sitting in my room crying over a pizza that I should be sharing with him.” Lucky said and began to tear up again.
“Well, maybe you need to initiate conversation, if he won’t do it.” Lily suggested.
“That’s just it though, he’s trying. He’s acting like we didn’t even have that fight. And if I know Nick the way I do, he probably does want to pretend it never happened. But I can’t allow that. We need to talk about it because obviously there’s a trust issue between us.” Lucky said.
“He’s trying and YOU’RE the one giving HIM hell? Talk about a turn of events.” Lily said jokingly.
“I know. I’ve never given someone I love the silent treatment before and it kills me to do it now, but I just … I just hate how he talked to me and how he looked at me. I can’t get that picture out of my mind.” Lucky said and closed the pizza lid. She put the box on the floor next to her door and sprawled out on her bed. “It’s just weird for me to be so guarded with him. Remember how hard it was for him to talk to me about anything other than work in the beginning? I just can’t believe we can’t talk about something like this.”
“But maybe you can. He obviously wants to talk. Why can’t you open up to him Luck?” Lily asked.
“Because that would mean telling him everything. Everything about my past. Revisiting an awful period of my life. I just don’t know if I have the strength to go there again, especially with what’s going on with us right now.” Lucky said and began to see images of her past that continued to haunt her.
“Lucky. You don’t think you have the strength? Do you remember what you went through two weeks ago? Do you remember falling in love with an amazing man? Do you remember the happy memories you’ve built since that time?” Lily reminded her. “That is what you need to focus on. Not the negative. If Nick loves you the way he says he does, he’ll love YOU. Not your name or who you used to be, but who you are now. He’ll accept your past and probably even help you deal with it. Considering it’s what brought you to him in the first place.”
“I guess you’re right Lily. Thank you so much for being my best friend and listening to me complain.” Lucky said.
“I’m just glad you’re alive for me to listen to you. Complain all you want. But hey, I gotta go and I think you need to go talk to Nick. If not now, then in the morning.” Lily said.
“Ok, ok. I will. I’ll let you know how that goes. Again, I love you and I’ll talk to you later.” Lucky hung up the phone and stared at her door. Deciding she was too tired to have that LONG conversation with him now, she turned off her light and drifted off to restless, Nick-less sleep.
Nick woke the next morning, more confused than ever. Lucky wasn’t talking to him and he couldn’t figure out why. He spent a long, lonely night thinking about how much he wanted to crawl into her bed and hold her, but couldn’t.
His eyes were red from no sleep and from fighting back constant tears, but there was nothing he could do to make himself feel better. He couldn’t imagine how much longer they would be like this.
I just don’t even know what’s wrong with her. Nick thought. If I knew what was wrong, I could apologize or try to talk to her, or something. Nick got out of bed and washed his face. He looked into his sad eyes and threatening tears came again.
Deciding to start the morning and trying to keep himself busy, instead of thinking about Lucky all day, he went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He pulled out a small skillet and turned on the front burner of the stove. Pulling out three eggs and some bacon, he turned back to the stove. Nick thought he heard the click of Lucky’s door opening and looked towards the hall, hoping she would appear.
Distracted by thoughts of Lucky, Nick put down his flat palm, instead of the skillet, on the burner. After a second, Nick yelped in pain. “God DAMNIT,” he cursed and looked at his pink hand.
“This just figures.” He thought and went over to the sink. He turned on the cold water and ran his hand under it. With his head down, the tears that had been stinging his eyes began to fall.
Before he knew it, Nick was sitting on the kitchen floor holding his hand and his head was rested against the cabinets, tears freely streaming down his face. A choked sob escaped his throat and he cried even more. “Why God? Why? Why doesn’t she just talk to me? Why?”
Lucky knew that she would be taking a chance getting out of her room so early. But because she just couldn’t lay in bed thinking about Nick for another minute, she decided to get up.
She opened her door and cautiously walked down the hall. Before she got to the doorway, she heard Nick swear. She grimaced, but for some reason couldn’t go to him to find out why he was in pain. She stood in the hallway frozen, trying to choose between going to Nick and retreating back to her room.
Before long, she heard the water running and then heard Nick fall to the ground and start sobbing. Hearing him cry tore her up inside. She stepped into the living room and the plush carpet silenced her footsteps. Just as she reached the kitchen, she heard Nick talking. Thinking she was caught, she immediately stopped. Then she heard “Why God? Why? Why doesn’t she just talk to me? Why?”
Hearing his words made her cry as well. She didn’t know what had really caused her to push him away. She didn’t really know why she refused to speak to him or see him. It was hurting her just as much as it was him. After a few more moments of listening to Nick cry, Lucky moved into the kitchen and sat next to him on the floor.
He looked at her with sadness and hurt in his eyes and she watched as more tears continued to fall. She put her hand on his face and used her thumb to soothe away some of the tears. He leaned his face into her hand and closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears. She moved closer to him and put her head on his shoulder and put her hand over his burned palm, lightly caressing it.
“Shh, Nick. It’s alright. Shh, calm down.” Lucky said, trying to calm him down.
“It’s not alright Lucky.” Nick said as he tears started to ease up. He realized how perfect they felt sitting together like that. “It’s not alright because we haven’t talked to each other in two weeks. I haven’t held you in my arms in two weeks. I haven’t made love to you in two weeks. I haven’t even been able to SEE you for two weeks and then when we get to be together again, you shut me out. You slammed your door in my face and then ate a pizza that you KNOW we should have been having together. It’s not alright Lucky. I’m seriously hurting here.”
Before Lucky could respond, Nick pushed himself to his feet and abandoned his attempt at making breakfast. He went into the living room and fell into one the largest couch. He put his feet up on the coffee table in front of him and put his head in his hand propped up on the edge.
Lucky slowly got up from the floor as well and instead of going to Nick, she defiantly stood in the kitchen. “You’re hurting huh? YOU’RE hurting? You! All you ever think about is YOU. This is why I haven’t talked to you or seen you since right after surgery Nick. And even then, you were the one that came to me because YOU couldn’t stand it.”
Nick took her verbal beating and closed his eyes. He knew that she was right, but she had to see that he was hurting just as much as she was. Before he could defend himself, Lucky was talking again.
“Do you realize that I got SHOT Nick? I got SHOT for YOU. I almost DIED in the operating room, but somehow I didn’t because I knew that I needed to be with YOU.”
“Hey! I didn’t ask you to get shot! I didn’t!” Nick said, knowing it was lame before it even came out of his mouth.
“No. No you’re right. You didn’t. I did it because I’m with the FBI and that’s what I’m trained to do right?” Lucky quipped.
Nick was rendered speechless. He opened his mouth to respond and all he could come up with was, “No.”
“You’re damn right ‘No.’ I did it because I love you. Regardless of everything that was going on with us right then, my first instinct was to protect you; to protect our relationship. I love you. I really, honestly, completely, undyingly, unconditionally, LOVE you. I’ve never even FELT about someone the way I do about you.” Lucky said feeling very vulnerable. She moved into the living room and knelt before Nick.
“Then why did you push me away? Why didn’t you let me try? To tell you that I love you completely as well?” Nick asked and this time put his hand on her face. “I don’t care who you are, what you say your name is, who you were. All that matters is us right now in this moment and that we love each other and that we are going to move on.”
“No, it’s not that simple. Now that you know the truth, you have to know the entire truth. You can’t know what you think so you can subconsciously judge me and mistrust me for the rest of our relationship.” Lucky said and got up and sat on the couch next to him. Nick put his arm around the back of the couch and Lucky leaned in a little closer, but not making full contact.
“The entire truth? Come on Lucky, I know the truth. You had to change your name for this assignment so I wouldn’t know who you really are. It’s ok, I get it.” Nick said and tried to reach for her.
Lucky pulled even farther away from him and shrank back to the other side of couch. “No, that’s not the truth at all. I know you think it is, but really, it’s not.”
“There’s more to it? I mean, Lucky, I love you and I know that whatever it is, we’re going to get through it. But I just don’t know how much more I can take today. It’s been a really hard two weeks and I just want to hold you and kiss you and make love to you.” Nick said and put his head down. He looked over at her and she had her eyes closed with a single tear falling down her cheek.
“You want to make love to someone you think you know. Someone you think is the woman you love, but really, you don’t know anything about me. The real me. You don’t know my life story at all. And it makes me so sad that you seem like you don’t even want to try to know.” Lucky said and her tears fell harder.
“Baby. Baby, please stop crying. I know YOU. The woman you are now, the amazing person you’ve become. Just because I don’t know your history doesn’t mean I can’t love you as a person. I love the woman I know, and let me tell you, you’re one hell of a woman. But if it’s that important to you, I want to know everything about you. About your family, your friends, your past. But I only want you to tell me when you’re really ready to tell me.” Nick said and scooted closer to her.
Nick cradled her in his arms and put her head to his shoulder and felt her tears through his thin t-shirt. He put his hand on her hair and began to run his fingers in a massaging motion over her scalp.
“Can we please just go back to bed and wake up in a little bit when you’re ready to talk?” Nick felt Lucky nod her head against his shoulder and he delicately lifted her in his arms and brought her into his bedroom. Laying her carefully on his bed, he pulled away the covers and tucked her underneath. He climbed in next to her and she immediately cuddled up to his side and fell asleep.
