All I Have to Give by Jenna

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<h1 align="center">Chapter Thirty-Nine</h1>

 “Jess, I don’t care what the doctors said, I gotta do
something and I have to do it fast, we are slowly slipping
away and we are losing popularity by the thousands, besides
look at me? I look like complete shit.” Nick was
desperately trying to make Jessica understand that he needed
to go out and perform again. 

“Nick, would you quit being so hard on yourself,
you look fine, besides think of all of the stuff you have
been through since June, that would take a toll on anyone,
you are not superhuman.” 

“Well, my mind is made up and I am going to do it.
I can’t keep laying around doing nothing.” Nick stated to
Jess in a flat, even tone. 

“Then just remember when you are back in the
hospital, this is one person that won’t drop everything and
run up there to see you. If you are going to destroy
yourself like that, I won’t have any part in it.” Jess
snapped back at Nick. 
“Fine.” Nick snapped at her. 

“Fine.” Jess replied as she walked away from Nick
and into the kitchen. She started picking up dishes and
slamming them around into the dishwasher. 

Nick glared at Jess when he picked up the phone.
He reached for his address cards and looked up the number to
his agent. When he dialed the phone number, he pressed the
keys hard. 

Jess slammed dishes down even harder and glared at
Nick more. She could only pick up his half of the
conversation and she did not like one bit of what she was
hearing. 

“Hi, Jack, this is Nick. I am ready to go back on
tour with the guys........Yeah......okay......9:00,
sure.....okay, goodbye.” Nick pressed the hang up button on
the phone and slammed the phone down on the coffee table.
He stood up glared at Jess and walked into the bedroom. 

“Nick you are so damn stupid for doing this, I
swear, you are gonna be sorry for doing this, mark my
words.” Jess called out towards the bedroom, but Nick
didn’t answer her. She wiped her hands on a towel and
walked down the hall towards the bedroom. 

“Nick, I’m sorry, but you really need to listen to
me, I think you’re making a big mistake. This is not going
with doctors orders on this one and I know down the road it
is gonna hurt you, do you understand where I am going with
this?” Jess walked into the bedroom and found Nick putting
on a clean shirt. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Nick was annoyed with her
interferring with his life. He needed to get back to work,
he was hating the fact that his life had been put on hold
since the end of June and it was starting to get to him. 

“Please, Nick, listen to me.” Jess tried to plead
with Nick. 

“My mind is made up, plain and simple, there is no
changing it, do you understand?” Nick replied looking at
Jess quickly. 

“There’s absolutely no way I can change your
mind?” Jess asked Nick. 

Nick grabbed his car keys and wallet. “Nope, I
got an appointment to talk to Jack in a half an hour. See
you later.” Nick kissed Jess quickly on the cheek as be
brushed past her. 

Jess watched Nick go out the front door, get into
his vehicle and back out of the driveway. He was so
stubborn and would not listen to her advice. She was hoping
that his agent would set him straight when he met with Nick
and not just look at the dollar signs. 
Nick settled down into the car as he drove onto
the highway. He turned the radio on and partially listened
to the advertisements that were going on the radio. He was
thinking about what he would say to Jack to convince him
that he was ready to go back on tour. 

He glanced into the rearview mirror and quickly
looked away from the reflection. He did not like what he
saw in the mirror. All Nick could see was the negative
things in his face, how the ten pounds he had added since he
was off seemed to him more like one hundred and ten. He
felt horrible about himself and he felt like he was losing
control of his body. He was thinking if he spent one more
month off, he would never be able to go onstage again, his
self confidence would be destroyed. 

Nick pulled into the parking lot where his agent’s
office was. It was a tall white brick building that was an
office complex that housed many businesses. As Nick
approached the building, two girls were walking out of the
building down the sidewalk. They immediately recognized
Nick. 

“Hey, you’re Nick Carter!” One of the girls
squealed excitedly. 

Nick smiled at them as he kept walking towards the
building. 

“Hey, hold up, can we get your autograph?” The
girl called out to Nick. 

Nick stopped and turned around and walked towards
the girls. “Sure.” 

They fumbled in their purses looking for a piece
of paper and a pen. One of them produced an old grocery
store receipt and a pen. “This is all I have, sorry.” She
seemed embarrassed to have Nick sign a piece of scrap paper. 

“Don’t worry about it, paper is paper afterall.”
Nick smiled back at the girls. 
“When are you guys going back on tour, I mean, you
are alright now, aren’t you, I mean, I heard the news about
your problems that you were having------” 

Nick cut the girl off. “Those reports were lies,
all of them.” He was very angry about that topic being
brought up. 

“Oh, the suicide thing and the drugs were lies?”
The girl asked while she watched Nick sign his name. She
didn’t sound as if she were totally convinced. 

Nick literally shoved the paper and pen back at
her. He didn’t acknowledge her question. After she took
the paper from him, he turned and continued to walk towards
the office building. The girl started calling out after
him. 

“Nick, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Don’t go away
mad, please.” The girl called out to him only to watch Nick
disappear into the darkness behind the shaded doors. 

Nick was glad to escape the comments from the two
autograph seekers. His manager’s office was on the fourth
floor and Nick impatiently waited for the elevator. As he
got on, the elevator stopped on each floor, only to find
that there was no one waiting for the elevator. Finally,
the elevator arrived to the fourth floor. 

The manager’s office was the last office at the
end of the hall. Nick walked in to find the secretary
typing at the front desk. She briefly looked up at Nick,
smiled and told him that Jack would be out in a moment. 

Nick sat down on the couch and looked at the
entertainment magazines that littered the coffee table. He
smiled to himself when he saw pictures of the current bands
on a magazine. His eyes caught the headlines on one
magazine in particular. Nick picked the magazine up. He
quickly thumbed through the magazine to find the article. 

ARE THE BACKSTREET BOYS LOSING THEIR FANS? 

The recent reports on the rumors of an alleged
prescription drug abuse involving Nick Carter has caused
problems within the band as well as outside of the band. 

Carter had been hospitalized on June 19, 1999
following a two car accident in which he was critically
injured. Nick’s recovery this summer was filled with ups
and downs in his condition which included paralysis, loss of
his voice, a coma, suicide attempt and now the prescription
drug abuse of vallium and restoril. 

Fans initially had stood behind the band since
June, but all interest is starting to wane and has all but
disappeared completely. The group had started a new
Millenium tour in Orlando in November, only to have Carter
collapse onstage the second night of their tour. He was
hospitalized for two weeks suffering from exhaustion.
Doctors have now stated that he has recovered but his
condition is still guarded. 

Management for the group has declined comment, and
calls to Nick Carter have not been returned. 

The secretary told Nick that the manager was ready
to see him. Nick took the magazine and walked into the
office. 
Jack stood up and put his hand out to Nick as Nick
entered the room. “Hey, Nick, good to see you. How are you
doing?” 

“Fine.” Nick replied as he sat in the leather
chair that was facing the desk. 

“So, you’re ready to go back on tour with the
guys, huh? Did your doctor say you’re fine and ready to
go?” Jack asked Nick as he sat in his chair. 

“Um, yeah, I am ready to go back on tour.” Nick
was hoping to avoid answering the question about the doctor. 

“And your doctor has given you a clean bill of
health? Jack asked Nick. 

Nick winced when he hear Jack ask him about the
doctor again. “Well, I guess I could get a permission slip
if that’s what you need.” Nick responded sarcastically. 

“Well, actually, Nick, I do need something in
writing, for legality reasons that shows you are in good
health. I just have to cover my ass, if you know what I
mean.” As Jack talked, he flipped through a folder on his
desk. 

“I suppose I could get something, but we need to
get a tour started up asap, here look at this article.”
Nick shoved the magazine in the manager’s face. 

Jack glanced that the magazine. “Yeah, I have
heard about that.” 
“And?” Nick was waiting to hear something
positive from Jack. 

“Well, we could get something started while I was
waiting on your papers.” Jack said as he picked up his
roledex of telephone numbers. 

Nick watched as Jack stopped on a card and wrote
something on a piece of paper and went onto another card. 

“But, Nick, remember, this all hinges on you. If
you don’t produce the paperwork that I need, it will be done
in a blink of an eye. It can be called off just like that.”
Jack snapped his fingers for emphasis. 

“Okay, I will get the papers as soon as possible.
You will call when stuff gets set up, right?” Nick asked as
his stood up. 

“You bet, I will be calling you probably this
afternoon, okay?” Jack stood up and reached his hand out
again for Nick to shake it. 

“Sounds good, thanks Jack.” Nick turned and
walked out of the office. 

Nick’s mind was running through what he could say
to his doctor that would allow him to return on tour. He
picked up his cellphone and dialed information for his
doctor. As he dialed the phone number, Nick kept thinking
over and over what he was going to say to him. 

Nick listed to the phone ring while he drove down
the road. A young woman’s voice answered the phone,
“Doctor’s office, this is Marci, how may I help you?” 

“Um, yeah, I need to get a slip from the doctor to
return back to work, do I need to set up an appointment for
that?” Nick asked. 
“I need to have your file pulled, what’s the
name?” The receptionist asked. 

“Nickolas Carter.” Nick hated saying his name to
anyone, he always braced himself for a comment. 

“Okay, hold for a moment please, I’ll pull the
file.” The receptionist didn’t wait for Nick to answer, she
placed him on hold and Nick ended up being a captive
audience to opera music. 

Within a few moments, the recepionist was back on
the phone. “I need you to speak with the nurse, just a
moment please.” 

Nick heard the sound of the call being transferred
to another area. A woman answered the phone. “This is
Julie, may I help you?” 

“Yeah, I need a doctor’s permission slip to return
back to work. I was wondering if I had to see the doctor or
if he would just fill out a slip so I can pick it up. It is
very important that I get it as soon as possible.” Nick ran
his sentances together, he was nervous that he would be
denied his request. 

“Your name was again, I’m sorry.” The nurse
wanted to verify Nick’s name. 

“Um, Nickolas Carter.” Again, Nick hated to tell
her his name. 

“Oh, okay, I have the file right in front of me.
Mmmm, let’s see here, ah, yes, you would have to see doctor
before he would give you a work release slip.” 

“I need this asap, is there anyway I can get
in to see him this morning?” Nick was hopeful. 
“If you can get over here right away, I can slide
you in before doctor’s regular scheduled appointments.” The
nurse replied. 

“I am on my way right now, in fact I am pulling
into the parking lot.” Nick responded. 

“Okay, I will have your chart ready, thank you.”
The nurse hung the phone up. 

Nick pulled into the parking lot and stepped out
of the durango. The doctor’s office was a busy place and
the parking lot was full of people. Nick lowered his
ballcap over his eyes as he headed towards the building,
looking down at his feet as he walked. Nick was leary of
making eye contact with anyone this morning, especially
after those two girls at the agent’s office. 

Walking up to the front desk, Nick wrote his name
on the sign in sheet at the counter. The waiting room in
the doctor’s office was packed. Nick found a chair in the
far corner of the room. As he sat down, he grabbed a
magazine that was on the table next to the chair. It wasn’t
one of his particular favorite magazines to read, but he
just wanted to keep himself occupied. 

Nick could hear the whispers from the girls that
were sitting near him. He slouched deeper into his chair
and held the magazine up higher. He winced when a medical
assistant opened the door and cheerfully announced to the
room: “Nickolas Carter?” 

Nick immediately stood up and walked towards the
woman. He could feel the eyes staring at him from the back. 

“Hi, Nickolas, how are you today?” The assistant
was making small talk with Nick as she led him down a
hallway towards the doctor’s private office. 

“Fine, thanks.” Nick was not in the mood for
small talk. 
The assistant set his chart on the desk and
gestured towards a chair for Nick to sit in. “The doctor
will be in to see you in a few minutes.” The assistant
softly closed the door behind her. 

Nick hated going to the doctor’s office, this was
his family physician, not the doctor he had seen when he was
in Orlando. Nick had been going to this doctor ever since
he lived in Tampa. He was hoping that this doctor would
write a return to work slip without any questions. 

Nick could feel the tension as he heard the doctor
outside of the door. He was talking about tests on a
patient and obviously had his hand on the doorknob. Nick
stiffened up in his seat as the door swung open. 

“Good morning, Nick.” Dr. Parnello smiled as he
entered his office. 

“Good morning.” Nick tried to sound upbeat and
cheerful. 
The doctor took a seat behind his desk. “What can
I do for you today, Nick?” 

“Um, I need a return to work slip.” Nick stated
quietly. 

“A return to work slip? Why didn’t you go to the
doctor that took you off work?” Dr. Parnello leaned closer
towards Nick. 

“Um, well, he was just the attending physcian at
Orlando Hospital, and I don’t want to drive up there to get
a slip from him. He just saw me when I was at the hospital
there.” Nick fumbled and searched for the right words to
sound good to the doctor. 

“Oh, I see, what were you hospitalized for? Could
you fill me in on this?” Dr. Parnello asked. 

“Geeze, I know you’re busy doc, all I need is a
slip from you so I can give it to my agent, you don’t need
to hear this story.” Nick was trying to plead his way out
of the situation. 

“Sorry, Nick, but I won’t give you a slip until
you explain what had happened.” Dr. Parnello tried to sound
sympathetic. 

“Alright, it’s a long story though.” Nick was
hoping he would tell him to forget it. 

“That’s okay, I’m a good listener.” The doctor
smiled as he sat back in his chair. 
“Well, we tried to start our Millenium Tour on
November 2 in Orlando. I did one concert that night. The
next night we started the concert and everything was fine
and then about a half hour into the performance, I collapsed
onstage. They took me to the hospital and I was admitted
for two weeks for exhaustion and dehydration. I’m fine now,
but my agent told me he needed a return to work permit for
legal reasons so that’s why I am here.” Nick rushed through
the statement, he was hoping the doctor would agree that he
was fine to go back to work. 

“Oh, I see. What was the name of the doctor at
the hospital?” Dr. Parnello asked. 

Nick tensed up, he had a sick feeling in the pit
of his stomach. “Gee, I don’t really recall.” He lied to
Dr. Parnello hoping that he would just let it go. 

“That’s okay.” Dr. Parnello started leafing
through Nick’s thick file. “Ah, here it is, Dr. Davidson.”
Dr. Parnello picked up the phone and started dialing a
number from a paper in Nick’s chart. 

Nick started wondering if he should just get up
and leave now, he knew the doctor would talk to this
Davidson person and then his plans would be blown out of the
water. 

“Yes, could I speak with Dr. Dan Davidson, this is
Dr. John Parnello.” Dr. Parnello was playing with the pen
on his desk while he waited for Dr. Davidson to answer the
call. 

Nick just sat in the chair listening to the
doctor’s end of the conversation. 

“Yeah, Dan...this is Jack, how are you?....yes, it
was a good game....the reason I was calling you was a
patient of mine that you admitted back in November for
exhaustion and dehydration.......yes, that’s the
one.....well, he is in my office seeing about getting a
return to work permit.......I see........no he
didn’t......no, that was fine......so what was the reason
now?.......okay, well thanks for filling me in on it....tell
Darla I said hi......thanks....goodbye.” Dr. Parnello hung
the phone up and sat back in his seat. “Well, Nick, Dr.
Davidson tells me that you are supposed to be off work for
another three months, are you aware of this?” Dr. Parnello
waited for Nick’s response. 

“Um, yeah, I guess.” Nick was hoping that Dr.
Parnello would ignore what Dr. Davidson told him. 

“Nick, it’s only been two weeks since you were
discharged, you are pushing things way too fast.” The
doctor sat back in his chair. 
“I realize that, but I need to go back, we are
slowly losing our fans and this is hurting the group. It
all falls on me, my shoulders, if I don’t do something now,
we will lose it all and it will be my fault.” Nick’s hands
were shaking as he spoke. He held them down, hoping the
doctor would see it. 

“Nick, if you don’t rest and take this
recooperation seriously, you won’t be able to ever resume
you career, ever! I’m sorry, but I can’t, with a clear
conscious, give you the return to work slip you wanted. If
you come back in March, then I would reconsider giving you
the slip.” Dr. Parnello waited for Nick’s response. 

Nick swallowed hard. He was upset to think that
the doctor denied what he wanted. Tears were burning his
eyes, he couldn’t look up at Dr. Parnello, he kept his eyes
lowered. “Um, okay, thanks.” Nick got up quickly and left
the office. 

Stopping in the hallway, Nick pulled out a vial of
his vallium. His hands were shaking so much that he had
trouble opening the top. He managed to finally get it
opened and put two pills on his tongue and drank water from
the drinking fountain. 

As Nick walked across the parking lot towards his
car, his mind was running through the options of what to do
now to obtain a return to work permit. He knew that there
were 24 hour clinics almost in every city. He decided to
give one of those a try. He figured if he tried hard
enough, he could find a doctor that could be persuaded to
write a slip if the price were right. 

Nick drove around town looking for a phone booth
that would actually have a phone book still in it. After a
few minutes of driving he located one and stopped at it. He
pulled the book out and immediately went to the yellow pages
and tried to find a physician that would help him get the
slip he so desperately needed. 

He located a name in the book of an office that
was on the west end of town. Nick decided it was worth a
try and drove to the location. 

As he pulled into the small parking lot, he was
wondering if this was such a good idea after all. He sat in
his car for a few minutes debating if this was the way he
wanted to go with this. 

Walking into the small, cramped office, Nick could
smell the rubbing alcohol that was in the air. The small
lobby was full of people. Nick could feel the eyes on his
back. He leaned close to the receptionist’s window. 

“Um,” Nick tried to get the receptionist’s
attention. 
She took a clipboard that had a sheet of paper on
it and pushed it toward Nick. “Just fill this out and
here’s a number, we will call you when it’s your turn.” The
receptionist never looked up. 

Nick took the clipboard and saw an empty chair in
the corner of the room. He walked through the people and
sat down and started to fill out the sheet. He skipped over
the phone number portion and put in the fan club address for
his home address. While he waited, he slid down in the
chair and read and re-read what he had written. 

Finally, the number was called and Nick wasted no
time in following the medical assistant towards the exam
room. 

As Nick handed the clipboard to her, she realized
her suspicions were confirmed. The medical assistant tried
to keep her composure. 

“Ah, um, what is the nature of your visit?” Her
voice was shaking as she spoke. 
“I’d like to talk to the doctor about a medical
issue.” Nick was trying to avoid telling her what he
needed. br>

“I’m sorry, but I really have to know so that the
doctor can be prepared.” The assistant’s voice was still
shakey. 

Nick sighed. “Ah, I need to see about a return to
work slip. 

“Oh, yeah.” The assistant accidentally spoke her
thoughts outloud. Trying to cover her mistake she said, “I
see, yes, the doctor should be in to help you in a moment.
The assistant closed the door behind her. 

Nick sat in the chair and looked around the room.
The walls had posters about the different parts of the human
body. Just as Nick was getting into reading about the
“Amazing Shoulder,” the doctore entered the room with the
clipboard in his hand. 
“Hello, Mr. Carter, I am Dr. Sanchez. I see you
want a return to work permit. What do you do for a living?”
Dr. Sanchez barely looked up from the clipboard. 

Nick was starting to think to himself this was
gonna be a piece of cake, the doctor doesn’t know who I am. 

“I’m a singer.” Nick didn’t elaborate, he fiugred
less was more. 

“I see, and why would you want a return to work
permit to sing?” Dr. Sanchez questioned. 

“Well, my talent agent does, I was off because I
was sick this summer and he just wants all of the legal
bases covered, I guess.” Nick was trying to skirt the
issue. 

“And how are you feeling now?” Dr. Sanchez asked. 

“I feel great.” Nick replied. He watched as Dr.
Sanchez pulled out a prescription pad and started to write a
note on it. 

Nick could barely contain his excitement as the
doctor handed him the white slip of paper. 

“Thank you,” Nick made sure he didn’t say
anymore. 
“Stop and see the receptionist on your way out.”
Dr. Sanchez said as he walked out the door. 

Nick stopped at the receptionist desk and was more
than happy to pay the $75 fee. Grasping the slip of paper,
he walked out the door and jumped into his car and sped out
of the parking lot. He couldn’t wait to see his manager and
hand him the work release permit. 

Nick picked up his cell phone and dialed the
number to his manager. 

“Jack here.” The agent picked the phone up after
two rings. 

“Hey, Jack, it’s me, Nick, I got the slip you
wanted me to have.” Nick announced happily. 

“You do?” Jack sounded shocked. He was running
the improbability of Nick getting a permission slip through
his mind, there was no way Nick’s doctor would have gave him
a slip, he was not capable of working just yet. 

“Yeah, I got the slip in my hand, right here,
signed and sealed, just have to deliver this puppy.” Nick
right fron and rear tire drove off the shoulder of the road
when he looked at the paper. “Whoa, that was bad.” Nick
thought outloud as he eased the vehicle back onto the road. 

“Got a problem, Nick?” The agent heard the
commotion that was going on. 

“Ah, no, I got this under control now, don’t worry
about it.” Nick said quickly. He didn’t admit to Jack that
it had scared him when he went off the road. 

Nick was already pulling into the parking lot and he was
still on the cellphone with Jack. 

“Hey, Jack, I’m coming in. Be right there.” Nick
hung the phone up.” He got out of the car and ran up the
stairs to the office buildings. 

Nick got on the elevator and took it to the office
on the fourth floor. He walked into the office and the
secretary smiled at Nick. 

“I need to see Jack and he knows I am coming here,
I just hung up with him two minutes ago.” Nick explained. 

The receptionist picked her phone up and buzzed
Jacks office. “Hi, Nick Carter is here to see you. Oh,
okay, I’ll tell him.” The receptionist hung the phone up. 
“Jack will be out in a few minutes to get you.
Have a seat while you are waiting, okay?” The receptionist
smiled at Nick. 

Nick reluctantly sat down on the couch and looked
down at the magazines on the coffee table. It was littered
with Variety and Entertainment and People magazines. He
decided not to even pick up a magazine to read, he was
afraid of what he would find inside them. 

Jack opened the outer door to his office. “Hi,
Nick, come on in.” 

Nick pulled himself up off the low couch and
follwed Jack into the room. 

“So you got a medical release slip?” Jack didn’t
waste anytime asking any questions. 

“Yup, have it right here.” Nick said as he pulled
the folded form out of his pocket. 

Jack opened it up and looked at it. “Is this from
your family physician?” 

Nick started to worry, here now Jack was starting
to scrutinize the slip. “Um, yeah.” 

“Nick, your family physician?” Jack had already
detected a descrepancy with the name on the note. 
“Well, I am switching doctors.” Nick lied to
Jack, but he was so desperate he didn’t care. 

“Oh, so now your family physician is Urgent
Medical Care Complex?” Jack knew right away that this was
just a 24 walk in clinc. 

“Yes it is.” Nick defended the paper. 

“Um, what does Dr. Parnello think about all of
this?” Jack asked Nick as he leaned back into his chair. 

“I don’t care what....hey, you asked for a return
to work slip, I gave you one, now, are we gonna start up
again or what?” Nick was getting angry. 

Jack leaned forward. “I called Dr. Parnello this
morning and he told me he saw you and told you no way in
hell were you going back on tour until sometime this spring.
He said you would be foolish to do otherwise. This doctor
Sanchez had no clue about you and your medical history, he
just wrote this out and accepted the fees. No, Nick, I
can’t with a clear conscious allow you to go ontour.” 

Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing from
Jack. He started to grow angrier by the minute. He grabbed
the slip out of Jack’s hands. When Nick stood up, the chair
he was sitting in toppled onto the floor backwards. 

“Okay, fine, but you want to know something else
Jack? You are so fired, I am quitting you. I am through
with you.” Nick stared him down in the eyes when he spoke. 

“Nick, you signed a contract with me, you can’t
fire me.” Jack countered. 
“Well, sue me then, I am done with your ass.”
Nick strode out the room and out of the office.

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