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CHAPTER 11

Kevin Narrating

Nick picking us up would have been a lot smarter than walking. I can’t believe we didn’t think of that. I can’t believe Nick did think of it. Since when is he the sensible one?

“Hi Haley.” I said. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Hi.” She said. We sat down around the table and waited for the waiter to come so we could order our drinks.

“Well, Haley,” AJ started, “I’m sure normally Kevin would start with his interrogation now, but he’s probably parched since he had the brilliant idea to walk here. So you can relax until we get our drinks.”

“Okay. Sounds good.” I hadn’t been planning on interrogating her. It may have sort of come off that way, but I just wanted to ask a few questions. We got our drinks and I began the “interrogation.”

“So, where did you go to college?”

“Penn State.” She answered. Okay. Now what do I ask? I could pretty much tell everything I needed to know about her just by looking at her. She wasn’t a tramp, and I already knew she had been valedictorian. That pretty much answered all my questions.

“That’s a good school.” Next we ordered our food and Haley seemed to catch on to the fact that I had no idea what to say.

”Look,” she said, “I’m not a psycho whore, and I’m not planning on getting him into trouble. Okay?” Well, that was direct.

“Psycho whore,” AJ said, “that’s a new one. I assume you’re referring to one of Nicky’s prior girlfriends.”

“Yeah.”

Haley Narrating

Holy shit. What the fuck was she doing in Pennsylvania? Visiting one of her fuck buddies I guess. She can’t be here.

“Excuse me,” I said, “I need to go to um, the bathroom.” I practically ran there as fast as I could. Kevin could not see her, and come to think of it, neither could the other ones. What do I do? I have to get them out of here before they see her. Okay, calm down. I’ll call one of them and get them to make us all leave. Okay couldn’t call Nick obviously, and AJ would yell out something inappropriate, and the only other number I had was Brian’s.

I called him and prayed that he would answer. I looked out the bathroom door and saw him walk into a corner. “Brian? It’s Haley, but no one can know it’s me.”

“Okay, why?”

“Look, I don’t know why, but Paris Hilton is here. I saw her come in. You have to get Kevin out of here before he’s arrested for murder.”

“Shit. Why is she here? What could possibly be in Pennsylvania?”

“I’m sure she’s visiting one of her special friends.”

“You’re probably right. Okay, I’ll pretend that Leigh just called me and Baylee’s sick, but since we only have one car we all have to leave.”

“Fine. Just get them out of here. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I hung up the phone and started to leave as Paris fucking Hilton walked in. I figured I’d just ignore her, but she actually talked to me.

“Why are you with them? What did you lose a bet?”

“No, why are you here? Visiting one of your ‘friends’?” At that exact moment some guy walked in with his shirt already off.

She turned to him and started talking in that sweet little voice of hers that made normal people want to jump off a bridge. “Oh, hi gorgeous. Can you come back in like two seconds. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Okay.” He said.

“Thanks sexy.” She turned back to me.

“I’m surprised you could control yourself. I thought you’d be all over him.”

“I don’t like people to watch.”

“You blew that a long time ago.”

“Seriously why are you here? Let me think, blond, skinny, you’re with Nick right?”

“None of your business. So if you could just let me out of here,”

“So they’ve already turned you against me huh? I’d just like to tell you, he dumped me okay? He’s a jackass and as soon as he gets bored with you, he’ll dump you too.”

“First of all, they didn’t turn you against me. You did that all by yourself.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know. And I plan to keep it that way.”

“Well, I was just warning you. He’s going to dump you.”

“Really, because the way I hear it, your psychic told you to dump him, and then you begged him to take you back. Which he did.”

“And then he dumped me.”

“Well, let’s see. At the beginning of your relationship you brought him a birthday cake with your face on it. And camera crews.”

“Who wouldn’t want to eat my face?”

“Normal people who know what’s good for them.”

“Nick liked it. Maybe you should try something like that so he stays with you longer.”

“Oh, so you want me to interrupt him during an important meeting and bring him a birthday cake and camera crews.”

“I don’t care what you do. I’m just trying to help.”

“Look, I don’t need your help with relationships. Besides, there is one major thing I’m not going to do. I’m not going to cheat on him. Maybe you should have tried that.”

“He cheated on me too.”

“Before or after you cheated on him?”

“That’s not important.”

“Um, yeah, it really is important. Listen to me. You’re a whore. It’s just who you are. So quit trying to deny it, shut up and quit being jealous of the people who are with you r ex-boyfriends, especially when you’re the one that fucked the relationship up in the first place!” Wow, now I was screaming at Paris Hilton.

“You should not be yelling at me!”

“Why not?”

“Because,”

“Because what? Are you going to have me arrested? Do you want me to tell people about what you, or should I say who you were planning on doing in the bathroom? And don’t forget most places have security cameras in their bathrooms, so that would be caught on tape. But I guess you’re used to that right? Why not a little more publicity!” With that I pushed her aside and walked out like nothing had happened.

I walked over to the table where we had been sitting. They had already paid and were waiting for me.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Brian needs to get home because Baylee’s sick, and since we only have one car we’re all leaving.” Nick answered.

“Okay.” I looked at Brian. I guess everyone believed the plan. We started walking to the car, and AJ started walking so he didn’t step on any of the cracks in the driveway of the restaurant. Then of course Nick thought it would be fun so he started doing that too. How old was he again?

Brian came up to me and I asked, “Did everyone believe it?”

“Yeah. We should probably hurry them along. Maybe we should convince them that stepping on the cracks won’t break their mothers’ backs.”

“No, we’re good. Paris is in the bathroom having sex with someone form her table.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. She came into the bathroom. Then she started bitching me out because I was with Nick.”

“I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. That should not be something that anyone has to go through. No one should ever have to suffer by being in her presence.”

“Thanks.”

“You know what was so bad with her? She would never admit to anything she did wrong. We’d confront her, but she’d deny it.”

“Well, I did get her to admit to cheating on him.”

“Really. Nick never mentioned that.”

“Really?”

“No. I mean we all knew she did. And we all figured he probably did too after he found out, but he never came out and said that.”

With that we looked over at Nick and AJ both of whom were still avoiding cracks. We even heard them fighting over which one hit a crack.

“No AJ, you hit that crack! I missed it by a freaking mile!”

“Dammit Nick, you stepped on it.”

“No I didn’t. Oooh, bricks. Those have more cracks.”

“Yeah, let’s go jump on those. First person who steps on a crack buys the other one something expensive.”

That was mature. Good to know I’d fallen for someone with a good head on his shoulders. Eventually we made it to the car and all six of us piled in. We didn’t really fit, but that was the least of our problems since now Nick and AJ were complaining that they didn’t get to finish their brick jumping. Yes, they called it brick jumping. They were 25 and 27 years old, but they were still brick jumping.

Howie Narrating

We got into the car and my phone rang, so I answered it even though I didn’t think I’d be able to hear over Nick and AJ’s whining. Since when did we have two whiny ones? I thought the rule of boy bands was that you have the sweet one, the responsible one, the cute one, the bad boy, and the whiny one. What happened to our bad boy?

I started talking about a business deal with my brother when I felt something hit the back of my head. I turned around to see Nick throwing pieces of bread crust at me.

“Hey, Brian,” Nick said, “we’re going to have to add bread crust to the list of stuff that make Howie turn around!”

They had a list? That was crazy. Not surprising, but totally crazy. “How the hell did you get bread crust?” I asked.

“I stole it to throw at you while you were on the phone. Or sleeping.”

“How did you know I’d be on the phone or sleeping?”

“Dude, that’s all you do. Ever.” He had a point there. I usually was always on the phone or sleeping. And come to think of it Nick was usually throwing things at me. I guess there were some things he would never grow out of.


Nick Narrating

We dropped Haley off at her cousin’s house and then drove to our hotel. We all went into the lobby and Brian went up to his room. Howie and Kevin said they were going to bed, so that left me and AJ.

“You know Nick you never really told me what happened on the date.”

“It was horrible.”

“Let’s go upstairs and talk about it.”

We walked into my room and turned on the TV. I didn’t really want to tell AJ what happened because I knew he’d make fun of me.

“I’m not planning on making fun of you Nick.” I turned off the TV. He really wanted to know what happened on that date.

“Well, first we planned on going to lunch, but I couldn’t think of one intelligent thing to say on the way there so she decided that we should do something else. So we got the driver to go check on the reservations and Haley drove off and we left him there.”

“You left the driver there?”

“Well, we got someone to come pick him up.”

“Oh, I’m sure that driver can’t wait to drive you again.”

“Hey, it’s better than having sex in the limo right? Like those times with Paris.”

“No actually. I’m sure the driver enjoyed you two having sex. He probably didn’t need to rent any porn that night.”

“Aren’t those things soundproof?”

“They say they are, but can’t you always hear the radio when they turn it on even when the divider is up?”

“Oh fuck. Then there have been a lot of drivers that have heard me having sex.”

“That’s very nice. Great image in my mind. Thank you.”

“Anyway, then Haley rented Bring it On and we watched it in the limo.”

“Wait. You watched Bring it On?”

“Yes. And you know what, it wasn’t that bad.”

”You only didn’t mind it because Haley was sitting next to you.”

“That may have been part of it. But then, they started talking about cheer sex, and I asked Haley if she’d ever have cheer sex with me.”

“What did she say?”

“She said you never know.”

“So then I asked what about real sex.”

“You asked her to have sex with you? Are you crazy. She wouldn’t do that on the first date. Why would you say that?”

“I didn’t mean to. I thought I was just thinking it, but I guess I actually said it.”

“Are you serious? You didn’t know you were speaking? Do you not think enough that you don’t know what it sounds like?”

“She just kind of rolled her eyes at me.”

“You’re lucky she didn’t smack you and walk out.”

“I know. So then we returned the movie and we went to get ice cream. So we got the ice cream, but then these girls walked in and they recognized me. So I grabbed Haley and ran.”

“Why didn’t you just like sign something or whatever.”

“Looking back, that was probably the smarter thing to do. I was trying to blend in so Haley wouldn’t have to deal with fans on the first date.”

“So your idea of blending in is driving a limo to an ice cream parlor, and then running away when someone recognized you? Smooth Carter.”

“Just wait. It gets worse. So then while we’re being chased by the girls-”

“You got chased?”

“I told you it was a disaster. So then one of the girls screams that she worked for a magazine. So we kept running for a little while. Eventually we lost them and we went back to the limo. That’s when I realized I was late for the show and Haley had to drive me there. Oh, shit I forgot to have the limo picked up. And she specifically told me not to forget too.” Damn. Oh well, I could do it tomorrow.

“So basically, the date starts with you ditching your original plans. Then you end up asking her to have sex with you, then you got chased by screaming girls, and finally it ended with you being late to the show that she had to drive you to.”

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.” AJ just started laughing. “Why are you laughing at me? I didn’t want that to happen. Shut up!”

“I’m sorry man, but that is just too funny. That date is so going to come up in interviews now.”