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CHAPTER 19

Nick Narrating

We’d been talking about Haley the whole time she had been in the other room. I guess there was nothing more important to talk about. I mean Brian reads the newspaper. He should have some more important topic to talk about.

“So Nick,” great it was Kevin. Now we’d start the interrogation about my intentions or some bullshit like that. “are you really happy or fake happy for the next three weeks?”

“Really happy. I promise.”

“Way to not discuss the girlfriend thing before you got here too.” AJ said. “Baylee totally caught you guys off guard.”

“Yeah. That was kinda bad.” At that exact moment Haley walked in to tell us dinner was ready.

“So what were you guys talking about?” she asked. Shit.

Of course all five of us answered different things. I answered cars, AJ answered sex, Brian answered Baylee, Kevin answered the new album, and Howie answered Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA performance. Had that seriously what he had been thinking about throughout this entire conversation that come to think of it he had not participated in?

“Okay, I buy AJ’s answer.”

“As you should.” He said. “And other than sex it was mostly about you.” That little shit.

“AJ!” I said as I smacked the side of his head.

“No, I kinda figured that one out. Because usually when someone comes into a room and everyone stops talking immediately, it means they were talking about them. I just wanted to see what you guys would answer. Now come eat dinner.”

We all followed her into the dining room where there was a shit load of food. There was like every kind of food ever. Sad thing was, we’d probably eat it all. Everyone sat down and started taking food. People started talking about random things except I wasn’t paying attention. I was trying to stare at Haley and not make it obvious.

Eventually conversation started to stop so AJ had the brilliant idea to shout out what he thought was funny. “So, turns out Nicky here has a little bit of a crush on me.”

Everyone laughed. Then Haley was very helpful “It’s true. Sometimes I hear him call out your name in the night.” I pretended to kinda push her, but then Kevin told me to stop. Damn him. He always takes the fun out of everything.

“Well,” said AJ, “I do have a few other Nick stories to help brighten the evening.”

“You can’t say them in front of the child.” I said in hopes of dodging these stories.

“No it’s okay.” Said Brian. What the fuck? Brian was supposed to be on my side. “He can’t understand things the way AJ tells them.” Wasn’t that just so fucking convenient.

“First is the time Nick got drunk at sixteen. Some of you may have already heard this story from his point of view, however there’s a slightly different version that I prefer. Nick has never actually heard my version, and I don’t think I’ve even told him some of these things actually happened. See he thought he dreamed them.”

Oh God. If it was the stuff that I thought was a dream that was bad. Very very bad!

“So, first of all, Kevin and Howie went to some club or something so me, Brian, and Nick are sitting in a hotel room incredibly bored. Then I had a fabulous idea to get Nick just a little tipsy. So I convinced him to do it. Then he started grabbing beers out of my hand. After two beers he was so drunk I thought he’d been sneaking in extra alcohol. But he hadn’t. Then he went to take a bath. He took the bath but then he used all four of his towels to roll around on the bathroom floor. Then he started unrolling the toilet paper to make a bigger “mat” so he had a bigger space to roll around.”

This was so humiliating. And if I was right, it only got worse.

“Now, you remember he was still naked at the time. And then it occurred to him that he might need more towels to shower the next morning. So he walked down the hall to the elevator to get more towels from the front desk. However, he never put on clothes. So here’s this skinny naked sixteen year old kid walking down the hall. Bound to turn some heads. So then I saw him get on the elevator. Still naked. I ran on after him because as much as I enjoyed watching all the stupid things he did I didn’t want him to get arrested or anything.”

Okay. As far as I know, that’s the worst part.

“However, before I could get him off the elevator the doors shut and we started going down. And on the next three floors there were people waiting to get on. Obviously they wisely chose to wait for the next elevator. Now I was stuck with naked Nick going down an elevator headed for the lobby. We got tot the second floor, but then the elevator just stopped. We didn’t know why, but it just stopped.”

Okay, this part I didn’t know about. Shit. And everyone was laughing. I wanted to go home. I sounded like a thirteen year old girl didn’t I? It was okay. I should be manly enough to take this. Problem was, I wasn’t. I didn’t really care about the other guys, but I didn’t want Haley to think I was a total dickwad. Just when I was starting to really like her too.

“And then we waited for a full twenty minutes before the elevator started again. But, during those twenty minutes Nick had been crying like a little baby.” He started pretending to cry and talking like he was in tears. “We’re gonna die! It’s so dark in here! I wanna go home. It really wasn’t that dark at all, except dumbass had his eyes shut and didn’t know it. Then the lobby doors opened but I managed to hide him on the side and shut the doors before too many people saw him. I got him back to the room and made him put some clothes on.”

Well, I guess AJ was just gonna make fun of me all night.

“He chose a magenta shirt that some girl had left after a night with Howie, what she left in I don’t know, and a pair of Kevin’s jeans, which were huge. Not a pretty sight, but I took him down to the front desk and he got his towels. Then the rest is basically the same as Nick’s side of the story. Hitting on the thirty year old man and everything.”

Everyone was still laughing. At least Haley seemed like she just thought it was funny, not too creepy. I really hoped she didn’t like run screaming as soon as she got out of the house. Or I suddenly woke up tomorrow and she was gone. That would be like the worst thing ever. Could this night get any worse?


After everyone finished eating their dinner all the women decided that since they cooked the men should clear the table. Fuck that. Didn’t we have people to do that? I don’t think I’ve cleared a table since I was like twelve. What the fuck do I do with this plate? Perfect! Put it on top of the big pile Kevin was carrying! Problem solved.

Brian got lucky and decided that Baylee suddenly had to go to sleep so him and Leighanne drove back to their house. I mean, the kid could have waited another thirty seconds to go to bed so Brian could help clear the table.


AJ Narrating

“Now, we’re going to play Pictionary!” Kristin said. Except instead of playing with the game we were just playing on pieces of paper and stuff. That was good because last time we had played a board game we had ended up chasing paper money through the streets.

Of course I got paired with Nick. We couldn’t put him with his new hot girlfriend and me with like Kevin or something. I fucking got Nick. I’d probably make him so flustered from his crush that he wouldn’t be able to draw anything.

Nick started drawing something that looked like boobs. So like a natural human being trying to be successful at the task of trying to guess what dumbfuck was drawing I screamed out, “BOOBIES!”

“NO!”

“Melons.”

“No.”

“Two boob-like globs of peanut butter.”

“Jesus Christ AJ it’s not that difficult.”

“Yes it is. I want a new partner! Mine sucks at drawing!”

“Oh yeah, because I’m just thrilled with the pairing.” He said sarcastically. “Now shut up and keep guessing.”

“Fine. Headlights.”

“No. Ten seconds.”

“I don’t fucking know. What the hell are you trying to draw?”

“It was ice cream cones dumbass!” Then it was Haley’s turn to draw. Her partner was Kristin. Haley started drawing and even I knew she was trying to draw a fruit bowl. So of course they got it right and then they kept getting them right, and eventually they won. Me and Nick had a final score of yep, you guessed it, zero! Maybe if Nick had been paired with his valedictorian girlfriend she could have balanced out his dumbness and they could have actually been competitive.


Nick Narrating

We finally left dinner at like eleven that night. I had a pretty good time, except for the part where AJ told the story. That was it’s new name. The Story. We finally got back to the room and I asked Haley the question that had bugging me all night.

“Can you make me feel manly now?” I whined. She looked so good. I had been dying all night waiting to get back. But Haley wouldn’t let me leave until we actually finished dinner. I mean who waits until they’ve actually finished a meal before they have sex? Anybody? Didn’t think so.

“Do you really want me to?”

“So bad. And if you ever wear those pants again don’t expect me to get through an entire night. It was fucking killing me by the time we got to Pictionary.” I started kissing her and getting all happy because she was gonna make me feel manly! I felt like a little kid in a candy store every time she told me she’d make me feel manly. Ha ha. Candy store. Lollipops. Sex. Interesting analogy. Was that an analogy? I never really did understand what that meant.

“Okay, I’ll never wear these pants again then.”

“No! I didn’t mean that. I just meant like I’d need some sex in the bathroom or something.”

“Oh okay.” Then we went back to the making out. That was like the best activity ever. Fuck Pictionary. I have a hot girlfriend I’d been waiting to have sex with all day.

“Wait.” I asked. “One quick question. How did you know AJ was calling me whipped?”

“I told you I was psychic.”

“I know, but seriously. How did you know?”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yeah. And hurry. I’m about to explode here. I need to feel manly really soon. And when I say really soon, I mean within the next like six seconds, so don’t talk as slow as Kevin does.”

“Okay. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but AJ just talks really loud sometimes.”

“I know. But can we have sex now?”

“You’re the one that brought that up!”

“I know. I’m stupid. Maybe you should punish me Haley. Spank me Haley. Spank me!” AJ would be so proud of me.