So maybe I shuddered a little, because if I had studied correctly the guide to understanding women, ‘we need to talk’ is never a good thing.
And I was kind of afraid because Kevin is no woman.
Even though he did wear those fugly skirts. I’m still not sure if he lost a bet over that or if it was a rare moment of stupidity. Some people call those moments creativity. Eh.
Yeah, so I’m not terrified but shuddered a little over the group meeting and was afraid because Kevin is no woman yet he wanted to talk.
No, I Nickolas Gene Carter, am not terrified of some group meeting. I mean, why would I be? The last one we had was back in 2001 when Alex who got confused with AJ who really thought he was Johnny No Name but whom I still call AJ rather than Alex had came to us and said ‘guys, we need to talk’ and then hours later, he was shipped…well, driven, to a rehab center and left me thinking what the fuck just happened.
Okay so that didn’t go really well and it had terrified me.
Fine, maybe I am terrified.
I don’t want them to drive Kevin away and chuck him into a rehab center.
“You wanna go out after this?”
I turned to look at my band mate and brother AJ sitting next to me, with his legs propped on top of the table, his arms resting at the back of his head, his face an expression of ultimate boredom, his voice a hoarse whisper, a result of months of tedious – ok so he is sitting next to me looking very AJ like, you get the picture.
I shrugged because I hadn’t really thought that far into the future yet, which really is just later tonight. “You got any plans?”
“Wanna go golfing?”
I just don’t understand golfing. When I did go, it was because everybody else minus Howie wanted to.
And I was left with the option of either following them and amusing myself with my lack of talent at hitting a small ball into a small hole or playing a game on the Xbox with Howie yapping on the phone all night next to me.
Where’s the fun in gloating after I manage to get Mr. X advanced to stage 8 and start swallowing more strawberries and get me more points if the only guy around for me to gloat to is busy engaged in a conversation on the phone? So yeah, golfing sounded better.
Where was I going with this train of thought?
Never mind.
“At night?”
“Night golfing.” AJ decided to copy my action and shrugged. “You’ve anything in mind?”
I shrugged because it seemed to be the fad this late afternoon. “Go eat maybe.”
“Why would you want to do that?”
Why would I want to eat? What kind of a question is that? You know, he’s been looking kind of tiny lately, maybe AJ is suffering from an eating disorder right about now and I, one of his bestest buds, failed to notice until now!
Hmmm…or maybe I’ve been eating too much? I wonder if the ‘I’m a growing boy and need to eat’ excuse still is applicable for me? I mean, if they can keep on saying no matter how old I am I’ll still be the baby of this group, I can keep saying I’m still growing, can’t I?
“Well, you have to do something if you’re going out. Eating sounds good.” That’s a very logical answer right? So why is AJ giving me that dude you’re so weird I can’t believe I’m associated with you look? Or maybe he had a wedgie? I read too much into people’s expressions sometime, for all we know, he might be constipated.
Eww that’s gross!
“What’s wrong with golf then?” Nothing’s wrong with golf, what’s up with your face?
“You look like you’re constipated J.”
I think he was offended by that.
If looks could kill…Kevin would be a serial killer by now. I think Kevin could kill me over and over and over again over the course of 14 years of knowing each other.
That would make me immortal though right? If I keep coming back after he killed me?
“I’m not.” He snapped.
AJ is so emo. It’s fun to make fun of him. I enjoy making fun of him.
“Then why the fuck are you-” I didn’t have the right word to refer to that expression other than constipated but since he didn’t look so thrilled with that description earlier on, I figured I would rather not use that again and just wave my hand and point at his face instead.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Nothing, forget about it.”
“No, I want to know what the fuck you mean by that!”
“I didn’t mean anything alright; just get the fuck off my back.”
Between AJ and me, we say the word ‘fuck’ probably a hundred times a day. I know it’s not good, especially now that Baylee is around. I was thinking of censorship, like, have this ingenious device that AJ and I can swallow or wedge somewhere in our vocal chords and when we say ‘fuck’ it’ll be replaced with ‘tooot!’
What the tooot!
Toooot off!
No YOU tooot off!
AJ is too mad to talk to me and I am too busy talking with myself in my head to talk to him.
But the silence is too much and it’s a sad day when the youngest Backstreet Boys are the first to arrive for what supposedly is a very much needed talk meeting.
“Golf fucking sucks man.” Ah! There I go again. No more fuck! No more! Well, I still want the practical side of fucking, just not say the word.
“Golf doesn’t suck dude, what the fuck are you talking about?”
I’m talking about golf and how it sucks. Seriously, was I speaking German just now?
“I get backaches.” And that’s just wrong being this young but I’m not kidding. “And I don’t get the whole idea of swinging a rod at a tiny ball and make it roll into a hole. Fucking stupid actually.”
“But it’s fine if you throw a ball into a fucking basketball hoop?”
Well, yeah.
“Fuck yeah.” What did I say about censorship?
“Isn’t the aim the fucking same?”
“No.” No really, it’s not. “We don’t hurt the balls. You guys fucking hit yours.”
“That’s the whole fucking point.” AJ said. I hope he tells me what this whole point is or else it will not make any sense to me. “I get my release from hitting those balls.”
Hey, some people do kick boxing for that, if he wants to hit tiny balls to feel superior, who am I to say otherwise yeah?
I wonder why Brian loves golfing, or Kevin for that matter. Are they releasing pent up anger as well? Maybe Howie releases his anger through phone conversations. That’d make Howie one very angry person all the friggin time.
“Fine, so you’re going golfing then?”
“Maybe.”
“You should ask Brian. You know he’d go.”
He nodded, which I guess is as cool as shrugging?
I wonder if this talk has anything to do with Kevin’s anger. Maybe they’re sending him off to an anger management rehab thingy? Then if that’s the case, shouldn’t they take Howie as well? And Brian for hitting golf balls? And AJ?
Hell, maybe I should start throwing stuff around so they’ll take me too.
5 backstreet boys in a loony bin.
I mean, an angry bin.
“Are you mad at me?”
Where did that come from? “No.”
“Then are you mad at someone?”
I raised my ever perfectly arched eyebrow. “What the fuck AJ.” Gah! There I go again. No fuck! No fuck!
“Stop tapping your fucking fingers on the fucking table then, it’s annoying.” I think we need a new cuss word, you know, to broaden our vocab and all.
Maybe we can say poop. Baylee is allowed to say poop right?
My fingers are still tapping the desk even – ok, to some people that would sound SO wrong.
“Why does my tapping on the table mean I’m mad at someone?”
“You always do that when you’re mad, the first sign to look out for when Nickolas is mad – he taps his fingers, on anything.”
So, I just found out there’s probably a 12-signs program, set up to educate people about Nickolas and his anger issue and probably how to avoid or make a run for it before it reached number 12.
Hey wait, do I always do that when I’m mad or about to be mad?
Does that mean, I’m about or am on my way to be mad at something?
I wonder what I’m mad at right now or about to.
Oh fun, they won’t leave me behind, I can officially be dumped into the angry bin with them!
Great, now I’m happy because I’m mad. I can’t be happy and mad at the same time. That’s it, I’m fucked!
Fucked, is allowed, because it’s not fuck.
Yeah, I’m not sure how that goes but I guess I’m giving leniency to past tense?
“What’s the second sign?”
“You start tapping your feet.”
Right. They’re not tapping right now. My feet that is. This means I’m not really angry, which is not a good thing because I need to be angry in order to be thrown into the angry bin.
“They’re not tapping.” Why did I say that out loud?
“That’s good?” AJ said, or asked.
“Not sure yet.”
“You’re not sure if not being mad is a good thing?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re fucking weird dude.”
I stared at the man who had a past consisting of red hair, blue hair, copper blonde hair, bozo’s hair (that’s a clown), lack of hair, mascara drawn beard, mascara/eyeliner…eyes…do you want me to keep going? Because I can. Nah, I’m bored already.
“And what are you? The epitome of normalcy?”
He gave me that dude you’re fucking weird I can’t believe I’m associated with you look again.
I’m not sure if it was because it was so obvious to see that he isn’t normal and I still had to ask, or because I know and used the word epitome, or normalcy. In this case, I know and used both which is frightening in itself.
I tell you, I’m not that stupid.
“No…I’m a freak.” And he grinned. And I realized he was right. So I grinned.
“We should have our own show AJ, you and me.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded because I’m cool. “Freakishly weird.”
He nodded because he’s cool. We’re two freakishly weird cool dudes formerly known as two-fifth’s of the Backstreet Boys.
“We should totally ditch those three.” AJ said.
“Yeah. Once they dump them in that angry bin, we can make our escape.”
“What angry bin?”
Oh.
“Nothing.”
“You’re fucking weird dude.” Said redundancy boy.
“You said that already.”
“And I’ll say it again, you’re fucking weird dude.”
“Shut up AJ.”
“No YOU shut the fuck up.”
“We need to stop saying the word fuck.”
“Why? It’s only you and me in here.”
Freakish boy has a point. “I mean, when we’re around Baylee.”
AJ nodded. “You’re right.”
“I know.”
“You’re not one for being humble, are you?”
“Nah. We don’t want the fans to have a heart attack.”
He chuckled.
I love my AJ.
“Any idea what this talk is all about?”
He shrugged. “Kevin sounds serious.”
“When is he not?”
“When he’s drunk.”
“We should get him drunk.”
He seemed to think about this and I wonder if I had crossed that line that I’m not supposed to cross.
“You’re going somewhere with this…maybe…if we get him drunk…we can make him agree to stuff he most likely wouldn’t agree on when he’s sober.”
I think about this for a second. Because I don’t need that long to think about such things. “So you’re saying we should use him to our advantage?”
“Yup.”
“You’re not one for morals, are you?”
He shook his head. “That would fall under the giving the fans a heart attack category.”
Of course. “You’re right.”
“To which one?”
“To the taking advantage of Kevin while he’s drunk one.”
“We need a plan.”
People always ask me – okay so no one really asks other than the voice in my head but technically that voice is mine so I guess, I always ask me, what’s the best part of pranking someone and I always tell them, I mean, me, that the best part of a prank is the planning part. When you brainstorm for that perfect plot and then strategizing it in your head (NEVER write it down, especially when you’re Nick Carter and have the tendency to misplace things and find it in the hands of the prankee), seeing everything working out and finding all the loose ends that need tying…yeah, planning is the best.
So I’m grinning, because I have a project, and I get to do it with AJ.
Why AJ?
You have to understand, it’s not about who I get to do it with. It’s just the simple fact that if we got caught, I wouldn’t be the only one to take the blame. In this case, AJ gets to share it. The best part about sharing the blame with AJ is that when we get dismissed to our rooms later – I mean, we don’t get dismissed for bad behavior now, cause we’re all adults, or rather, our age puts us in the ‘old enough’ category…so no, we don’t get dismissed. I meant to say, after we get blamed and go through management’s lectures, I know we’d come back, on our own will, to our rooms and have a good laugh over it. No regrets, whatsoever.
“Later tonight, my room eight o’clock.”
“Why the hurry Nicky? How about I pick you up at 8 and then we have dinner somewhere and then come back and pump it.”
Of course Brian had to come in at that exact moment. I swear his face grew ten shades of red. I have yet to determine if it was caused by anger or embarrassment.
“You know, I really don’t need this tonight.”
What it was that he didn’t need tonight is yet to be confirmed.
“What?” Said AJ.
“If you two are coming out of the closet…I mean, I’m happy for you both, but I just got done telling Baylee that asshole, cheeks, and ass are the same as ‘butt’ only said in different contexts. I’m thinking I don’t have to explain to him about homosexuality until he at least reaches twelve, slot it in while I give him the birds and bees talk. Two in one talk and less pain for daddy, you know? It’s not that I have anything against gays, but do you have any idea the horror of having to sit your son down and explain it to him?”
Brian sure babbles a lot. He never stops when he’s on a high (not of a drug kind, mind you). There was a time, when I was mad at one of my ex-girlfriends (I lost count), Brian came to me and started babbling about something (it’s always something) I told myself, who needs a girlfriend when you have Brian? At least Brian will say yes when you ask him to battle on the play station.
“No Brian we wouldn’t have the slightest idea.” AJ said. Never mind about explaining to our panicking friend that there is no need to explain anything since we’re not gay. That could wait, I guess?
“I do.” That would be me.
“Yeah?”
“Who do you think explained that to Aaron?”
“Definitely not his dad.” AJ said. “Dads suck anyway.” And then added as an after-thought. “No offense to you Rok.”
“Say that again once you’ve got a kid of your own.” Brian said.
“Dude what are you trying to do, jinx us?” That’s me again.
“What did I say?” Brian asked.
“God forbid I have kids running around in this world!”
“The very thought of that scares me.” AJ said. “I want me one of those, but no time soon.”
“If it happens Nick, it’s meant to happen.” Brian said. That’s so easy for him to say!
“If it happens, it’s because I made the mistake of not wearing a condom.”
Brian seemed disturbed by this for some reason. I think he really believes that I’m going to be a father one day, and by miracle, a good one at that. I don’t know, there was a time when I saw myself having that – a happy family with tons of kids running around, but like AJ said, these days, the very thought of it makes me ill. Although dressing them up as dancing bananas sounds like fun.
Maybe Brian sees a future where his son and my daughter would go for a play date.
Man its cold in here.
“So anyway, we’re not gays Brian, although if I was one, I’ll definitely tap that.”
Oh fuck.
“AJ, are you – did you just – did he?” Of course Brian was too busy laughing his ass off to answer a shocked me.
“Shush Nick, somewhere out there; this would be the biggest fantasy come to life for some people.” AJ said. I wasn’t really sure who that some people were. I don’t think I want to know.
Howie came in with Kevin at that point and I swear everything was going so well. We started talking about the gay rumors we’ve heard so far in our career and then made fun of the pairings after Brian told the other two about AJ and wanting to tap me.
We talked about that guy who hit on Howie at a nightclub and how Howie got so worked up by it. He was so certain that someone would hear of it and it would make it to the front page of the tabloids and further convince people about his sexuality. When not even a word got out to the tabloids the next day, Howie was actually disappointed!
It took us a good hour just talking about stupid stuff, I almost forgot why we were there in the first place. I love those kinds of days, when everything just feels right, that this is how life should be for me, day in, day out.
Of course this is also one of those days where you tend to laugh as if there is no tomorrow, until your body aches from the stitches, and then someone drops the bomb and un-puzzles the pieces again.
So, here’s the thing.
When Kevin sat us down and then told us that he’s thinking of leaving the group after this tour is done, I should have felt some kind of emotion right?
Right.
I think I was numb. Because I know I didn’t feel anything. Maybe I did but that feeling was quickly overcome by numbness. I can’t really remember. I actually thought I was dreaming it all because I swear I saw that purple frog grinning at me in the background…which later on I realized wasn’t a dream but in fact a doll of that purple frog sitting in the corner of the room, given to me by a fan earlier on during Sound check.
I can’t really remember how the meeting ended, but I remember Kevin left first and then Brian, with his red face (I wasn’t sure when that red face had returned and why) claimed he needed to call his son up again because he forgot to add another word for ass…right, maybe he didn’t say anything and just up and left, I’m not sure. Howie was saved by the ringing of his cell phone and quickly bolted out of there.
AJ was biting his black painted fingernails, which is nauseating in itself. I really didn’t know if I should’ve been going somewhere.
“AJ?”
“Hmm?”
“I think there’s going to be a change of plans, for tonight.” I wanted to say there’s going to be a change in this band, but I was too afraid to say it out loud. Hey, we still have about five or six months left to this tour…Kevin might change his mind by then.
Now I need a paper and a pencil. I think I’m going to design banana outfits for children and brand them the Tooot collection and maybe Kevin would need another talk tomorrow and say instead of leaving, we should have another member in the band, some crazy shit like that.
