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Chapter 48


Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable
Like nothing could go wrong

Now I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

- “Behind These Hazel Eyes” by Kelly Clarkson


Claire lay in bed, listlessly flipping channels on the small TV that was mounted high on the wall of her hospital room. When she realized there was nothing on TV that was going to take her mind off things, she set the remote down and rolled onto her side, balling herself into the fetal position beneath the thin bedcovers. I probably look pitiful like this, she realized as she toyed with her engagement ring, spinning it round and round her finger. But she didn’t care. She had every right to act angsty at the moment.

It was early in the morning, but she’d been awake for what seemed like hours. She supposed she’d never really slept, not for long anyway. She’d waited in the ER with Dianna and Jamie for hours the night before. A resident had finally examined her and ordered some tests; it was late by the time he’d decided to admit her for the night. She’d told Dianna and Jamie to go home, but after they left, she sort of wished she hadn’t. It was lonely with only the troubled thoughts in her head to keep her company. They’d been her constant companion all night, bothering her as she tossed and turned in bed, interrupting what little sleep she did manage to get.

She was glad to see the first light of day streaming through the window of her fifth floor room, but as the sky outside grew lighter, her mood grew darker. She was tired and anxious and wished her doctor would come in soon. She was sick of this nervous waiting; she wanted answers to the questions that had kept her up all night. What was wrong with her? Would she even find out today, or would they want to run more tests? Was she rejecting? If she was, what would happen next?

A soft knock rattled her door, and she glanced over her shoulder, hoping to see Dr. Rodrigo, but figuring it was probably just a nurse coming to check on her or an orderly bringing breakfast. But when the door inched open wider, she found herself looking at the one person she had not expected to see.

Nick.

She turned her head away from him and didn’t move out of the little ball she’d curled herself into, her back to the door. Closing her eyes, she waited for him to say or do something. She heard his shuffling, uneven footsteps as he entered the room; she could sense his hesitance as he came closer. Still, she did not roll over to face him.

He was silent for what seemed like an eternity to Claire, and if she had not been aware of the sound of his feet against the tiled floor, she might have thought he’d left. But though he did not speak, she knew he was still there, watching her. It made her uncomfortable, and half of her wanted to tell him to get the hell out. But the other half was too curious – she wanted to hear what he had to say. Was he going to try to justify his behavior last night? Or had he come to apologize? She held her breath and didn’t move, waiting uneasily for him to say something.

Finally, he did.

“Claire?”

She let out her breath quietly at the sound of her name rumbling hoarsely from his throat, but did not reply. Not just yet.

“I know you probably don’t wanna see me right now. But I just came to say that I’m sorry.”

Claire lay still, silently thinking. Okay, so he’d come to apologize. Still… I’m sorry? Were two words really enough to make up for what he’d done last night?

“Okay, well… I’ll… I’ll just let you be now. If you need anything though… or if you wanna talk… call me. I promise I’ll come.”

As she heard his footsteps slowly retreat, Claire realized that despite her anger, she didn’t want him to go. “Nick, wait,” she called weakly, rolling over and sitting up to face him. His slump-shouldered figure hesitated in the doorway, then turned back. He stood, his arms hanging limply at his sides, and stared at her. Sucking in a breath, she lifted her hand and beckoned him back in, and after a moment, he came, pushing the door closed behind him.

“I know you came to talk, so… let’s talk,” she said quietly as he approached her bed. “Sit down.”

Obediently, he lowered himself into the nearest visitor’s chair and looked at her expectantly. She supposed now that she had asked him to come back, it was her turn to say something. “How did you know I was here?” she asked; she was not ready to talk about last night yet.

“I, uh… called Dianna,” replied Nick, and his cheeks reddened.

Claire raised her eyebrows. “Oh yeah? What’d she have to say to you?”

“Nothing too nice,” Nick muttered. “Nothing I didn’t deserve though, I guess.” He offered her a guilty smirk.

Claire hid a smile with her hand, imagining Dianna ripping Nick a new one over the phone. It was not hard to believe; Dianna could be a bitch when she wanted to be, a trait she took great pride in. Claire’s smile vanished when another thought occurred to her. “So did she put you up to coming here and apologizing?” she asked suspiciously.

Nick frowned, looking offended. “No. She wouldn’t even tell me what your fucking room number was, Claire; she didn’t want me to come. But I came anyway because I had to see you.”

“You had to see me, huh?” Claire remarked. “That’s funny… you sure didn’t seem to want to see me last night.”

Nick closed his eyes briefly. “Claire… it wasn’t you, okay? I love you so much… I never meant to hurt you. I was just freaked out, and I thought it might help to take a drive, get some air, get a drink... you know, calm down.”

“Well, why didn’t you wait for me? I could have used all of those things last night too,” Claire said in a small voice.

Nick scowled and opened his mouth, as if to retort. But then he looked away and closed it again, apparently changing his mind. After a moment, he said quietly, “I just needed to get away for awhile, Claire. I didn’t plan on being gone all night; I was going to come right back. But… I dunno…” Looking down at his lap, he sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “Things just got way out of hand.”

“Out of hand how?” she demanded, trying hard to keep her voice steady. What exactly had he done with that girl at the bar last night? Nick didn’t answer right away, and after a few moments of silence, she decided to just ask him directly. She had to know. Her voice trembled as she forced the words out. “Just tell me honestly, Nick… did you cheat on me with her?”

She felt sick as she watched him, waiting for his answer. He didn’t look up at first, and when he did, his eyes looked oddly bright. “I… she… she kissed me. And I… jesus… I started to kiss her back. I was so hammered by that point, Claire, it was like I… I didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was too late! But then I saw your face, in my head, and I stopped. And then I took a cab home. That’s all that happened, honest to God, and it meant nothing, I swear!” His eyes were filled with tears now, his flushed face stricken.

Claire lowered her head to her hands, pressing the heels of them into her forehead. She could feel her body shaking and didn’t how to react. Was she supposed to yell at him? Slap him? Cry? She certainly felt like crying, but she held the tears back. She stared down at her lap, keeping her eyes open until they stung. She was afraid that if she blinked, the tears would start to well up inside them. She’d been stubbornly fighting them back for the past twelve hours; she wasn’t going to let them fall now.

“Claire, baby… please.” She startled when she felt Nick’s hand on her back and his soft voice in her ear. When had he moved? “Please believe me… I never meant to hurt you. I’d give anything to go back to last night and change everything.”

“You can’t, Nick,” she murmured and twisted her body away from him. “Please don’t touch me… not right now.”

He moved his hand to the top of his head, flattening his hair, and nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Good,” said Claire, shifting her weight in the bed. “But sorry can’t fix everything.” She pulled her blankets tighter around her.

“I-I know that,” Nick stammered, and she saw his eyes travel up and down her body. “If you want me to leave now, I will. I don’t want to make you any more upset – I think Dianna will kick my ass if I do. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay. I wanna be with you when-“

He stopped abruptly, and she finished for him, “When I find out if my life’s going down the shitter or not? Yeah, I guess you might as well stick around then, cause if my life’s taking a turn for the crappy, yours probably will too - if you plan on staying with me, that is.”

Nick swallowed hard. “Of course I am! I would never leave you, Claire, not for real anyway.” He reached out and seized her left hand, pulling it towards him. “I bought you this ring for a reason, you know,” he said, straightening her engagement ring on her finger. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but this wasn’t one of them. I love you, and I’ll be there for you for the rest of my life – for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health. No matter what kind of news you get today, that’s not going to change.”

The tears threatened again, but this time, they were good tears. Not exactly tears of joy… but not tears of misery either. She wasn’t ready to forgive Nick yet; she knew it would take some time to get to that point. But her anger was beginning to fade, and she had to admit, she felt a little better.

She knew, however, that her doctor’s words later that day would have the power to change all that.

***

He gives another smile
Tries to understand her side
To show that he cares
She can’t stay in the room
She’s consumed
With everything that’s been goin’ on

She says
Whatever happens
Don’t let go of my hand

Everything will be alright, he assures her
But she doesn’t hear a word that he says
Preoccupied, she’s afraid
Afraid what they’ve been doing’s not right
He doesn’t know what to say, so he prays
Whatever, whatever, whatever

Whatever happens
Don’t let go of my hand

- “Whatever Happens” by Michael Jackson


Nick massaged his temples wearily, wishing he had thought to take some pain relievers before leaving the house earlier. He was still hungover, and it sucked. But really, that was the least of his concerns, just a minor inconvenience that made itself known whenever conversation died or the thoughts in his head paused.

The whole morning had been tense for both him and Claire. They made awkward small talk to cover up the distance between them and the cloud of worry that hung over the room, but it didn’t really help. It was impossible for Nick to perch on the edge of her hospital bed and hold her hand and not be reminded of why he – and more importantly, why she – was there.

He hated walking into a hospital room and finding her there, as a patient and not a visitor. It brought back bad memories from the past and made him scared to death of the future. What was going to happen to her? To them?

He wished her doctor would hurry up and get there so they could find out, and he knew she felt the same. Her responses to him had grown short and distant, and he knew she was not watching whatever was on TV – neither was he. He kept watching her, as she stared into space, looking lost in her own private thoughts. But every time a set of footsteps were heard in the hall outside, her eyes flew to the door. But the footsteps continued on and eventually faded, and with a soft sigh, she looked away, turning her head towards him again. He always offered a sympathetic smile, which was returned half-heartedly, and then they both returned to their own thoughts.

Her head jerked towards the door again as a particularly loud pair of footsteps smacked against the tiled floor outside her room. Nick followed her gaze and frowned, straining to listen. Not the squeaky footsteps of a nurse in white tennis shoes… nor the clacking of a professional in heels. These sounded more like someone in flip-flops – a visitor, no doubt. Not her doctor. Let down again, his eyes left the door. He was taken by surprise when, a moment later, someone knocked on it.

He and Claire exchanged glances. She gave him a look that was unreadable and bit her bottom lip before turning back to the door. “Come in?” she called hesitantly, and the door swung open. Nick felt a sick feeling rock his stomach when he saw Dianna standing in the doorway. And even worse, Jamie’s head appeared over her shoulder a moment later.

Nick found himself wishing he could sink into the floor and disappear. But he was caught. They had already seen him sitting there with Claire; they were both looking right at him with narrowed, hardened eyes. If looks could kill…

“Come in, guys,” Claire said quietly, half-heartedly beckoning them in. With the same lack of enthusiasm, Dianna and Jamie reluctantly trudged into the room and stopped a few feet away from Claire’s bed. Jamie kept glaring at Nick, but Dianna suddenly would not look at him at all, focusing her eyes on Claire instead.

“Do you know anything yet?” she asked, the usual liveliness in her voice completely absent. Nick had never seen Dianna so subdued and solemn.

Claire shook her head. “No. I’ve been waiting all morning for my doctor to get here.”

Dianna checked her watch. “It’s still pretty early. I’m sure she’ll be here soon. How long have you been up?” As she asked the question, her eyes flicked to Nick briefly, and he knew what she really wanted to ask. How long has he been here?

Claire gave a rueful chuckle. “Hours. I don’t think I ever really slept.”

“I didn’t get much sleep either,” Dianna confessed.

“Yeah, I heard you were up pretty early this morning too,” said Claire, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Dianna figured out what she meant as soon as Nick did, and again, their eyes met. Nick felt his cheeks growing warm. Damn it, Claire, he thought. Why’d you have to bring that up?

“Yes, I heard about your conversation this morning. No details, just the general idea. I don’t want to know anymore than that. I just want to say this – Dianna, thank you; I know you were just being a good friend and looking out for me. But just so we’re all clear, Nick and I have already had a chance to talk this morning, and things are okay. Not perfect, but… that’s for the two of us to work out. So it would mean a lot to me if we could all just get past last night and try to be friendly… or at least civil,” Claire said evenly, looking from Dianna to Jamie.

Remembering Jamie’s words to him the night before, Nick couldn’t resist shooting him a victorious smile when Claire’s head was turned. You think it’s you she’s always wanted? Think again, asshole, he thought triumphantly, much more confident now that it seemed he had gotten Claire back. Jamie was nothing but a prick.

He felt a rush of satisfaction when Jamie’s cool blue eyes flickered, his lips twitching ever so slightly. He couldn’t even scowl because he was in Claire’s line of sight. Nick felt like laughing, but all at once, Claire’s head swung around to look at him, and she said, “That includes you too.” Raising an eyebrow and giving him a little smirk, she added, “I heard about what happened when you got home last night too.”

She didn’t seem angry; she actually looked amused by it. But that just made him feel stupid for picking a fight with Jamie. What was he, ten?

No, he was drunk. But he hated Jamie Turner even without alcohol in his system, especially after last night.

“Nothing happened,” he muttered, avoiding her eyes. He longed to tell her that Jamie had knocked him down in the driveway, that he had the scrapes and bruises from the concrete to prove it. Maybe he could get some sympathy out of her that way. But he decided not to, for that would mean admitting that he’d been the instigator of the fight, and he’d prefer to just drop it. She wouldn’t get mad at Jamie for shoving him if she knew he’d taken a swing at Jamie first.

Jamie smirked at him behind her back – a cruel smirk, not a playful one like Claire’s - and Nick wished he could take another swing right then. Now that he was sober, he’d have much better aim. He longed to punch Jamie’s smug face in and wipe that smirk off with his fist.

He balled his hand up, but settled for picturing himself kicking Jamie’s ass in his head instead. Claire wouldn’t be too happy with him if he attacked Jamie in the middle of her hospital room, and he was walking on thin ice with her right now anyway. It wasn’t worth it to mess up again so soon after apologizing to her.

Claire turned back to face Jamie and Dianna and continued, “Nick and I are still planning to get married, and I want both of you to be at the wedding. And Di, you’re supposed to be my maid of honor. So please…”

“Don’t worry about it, Claire,” Dianna spoke up quickly, offering Claire a smile. “Of course I’m still going to be your maid of honor. And Nick-“ She looked past Claire to Nick and offered a shrug. “You fucked up last night, buddy… but if Claire’s going to forgive you, I guess I’ll have to forgive you too. Any friend of hers is a friend of mine. No hard feelings.”

Nick nodded and forced an apologetic smile, knowing he had better play nice. “Ditto,” he replied, purposefully looking at only Dianna and not Jamie. Claire’s friend or not, that dude would never be a friend of his.

Jamie never got a chance to talk, for at that moment, a light knock sounded against the open door, and Nick looked up to see Claire’s oncologist, Dr. Rodrigo, standing in the doorway. Just like when he’d looked up and seen Dianna and Jamie, he felt sick to his stomach. Only this was a different kind of sick. And it was far worse.

Dr. Rodrigo smiled as she came into the room. “Good morning, Claire,” she said in professional manner and looked around the room, her eyes resting upon Nick, Jamie, and Dianna.

Jamie cleared his throat. “Um, maybe we should go take a walk… or something,” he muttered, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He looked over at Dianna, who looked from him to Claire.

Claire nodded. “Sure,” she said, her voice sounding oddly high-pitched. “Yeah, why don’t you guys go get some coffee or some fresh air or something?”

Nick watched through narrowed eyes as the two of them left Claire’s room, closing the door behind them. Now it was just him and Claire, facing her doctor. Swallowing hard, he reached for her hand again and gave it a squeeze. It felt cold and clammy.

“Claire, I know you’re worried,” Dr. Rodrigo said, “so I won’t delay this any longer. Your bloodwork came out normal, you aren’t showing any other symptoms of GHVD, and your bone marrow seems to be working just fine. The rash you found must have been caused by something else. It might simply be a reaction to some kind of irritant. What products have you used on the affected area in the last few days? Anything that you haven’t used before, or something that has gone bad?”

It was just beginning to dawn on Nick that this meant Claire wasn’t rejecting after all, when he looked at her and noticed that her cheeks had grown very red.

“Sunscreen,” she said lightly and then a chuckle escaped her. “I used my friend Dianna’s sunscreen yesterday because I forgot my own – it was expired, but I didn’t think…” She started to shake her head and then laughed again, the shrill laugh of someone who was very tired and under a great deal of stress. “So all this time I’ve been freaking out about nothing?”

Dr. Rodrigo smiled patiently. “It’s understandable. You were right to come in and have the rash looked at. But if it’s only a reaction to bad sunscreen, it should clear up in a few days. I’ll send you home with some cream to put on it.”

Claire nodded, still looking slightly bemused, as if reality hadn’t quite set in yet. It had for Nick though, and as soon as Dr. Rodrigo had left with the promise of sending a nurse with her cream and discharge papers, he pulled her into a tight hug. “You’re fine!” he exclaimed gleefully, squeezing her against his chest. “Everything’s okay, Claire!”

He would later realize that everything wasn’t okay, that even though she was fine physically, they would both still have to deal with the events of the day before and the damage it had caused to their relationship. But at that moment, he didn’t care about that. All he cared about was her and her health. She was all right… she wasn’t sick again after all. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“I hope Dianna gets back soon,” Claire said when Nick released her and grinned, a spark of mischief alighting her tired eyes. “I can’t wait to tell her we went through all this drama just because of her nasty old generic Sunblock.”

Nick snickered. “Don’t be too hard on her – she’s a good friend to you.”

“Oh, I know,” Claire smiled. “I’m just kidding. It’s not her fault she was blessed with beautiful, tan skin that doesn’t even need sunscreen.”

Nick chuckled. “Aww, baby… you know I love your pasty white skin.”

With a playful smirk, Claire flipped up her middle finger, but Nick quickly covered her hand with his and pulled her close to him again, silencing her comeback with a kiss.

***