Chapter 17: Helpless When She Smiles
I hate it when people try to push me around. I also don’t like it when I let it happen. Yeah I let it happen. My parents are coming back in two days by the way. In case you haven’t been keeping track. At least I haven’t been found by any paparazzi people or made tabloids. I guess that’s a good. Sebastian and I have been hanging more. I guess since Nick hasn’t been around he has no reason to tell me I’m being stupid. He doesn’t know about the kiss. We’d only fight anyway. So I was in my room as he got ready. We’re on our way to get Iz; I’m skipping class today, so is she. We’re going to the arcade. We’re weird, and sometimes the best way to escape those annoying adult pressures is to play video games of course.
As I waited, I was on my outdated cell phone, in my comfy bean bag chair. A blank canvas was before me, begging to be painted. Not today. Maybe I’ll paint later. I listened to it.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
I called his apartment first. Got the answering machine. “Yo whazzap this is Nick, I ain’t here so you know, you know what to do… beep! Nah just playin.” Then it beeped. I hung up, not wanting to leave a message. So I tried his cell phone.
Ring.
Ring.
Then I heard a click. Yay, someone answered. “Hello?” Great. A snooty, bored female voice. I’ll give ya two chances to guess. Of course it’s Tracy. Does she have that damn phone super glued to the stick in her behind? She’s been the only one answering it lately.
“Is Nick there?”
“Calypso, I told you, I have Nicky wrapped. He doesn’t want to talk to you.”
Liar! “Can’t he tell me that then? Just give him the phone.”
“He’s not interested.” Bull crap witch.
I wanted to tell her otherwise. I didn’t want to break them up. I didn’t want to pursue anything. But you know what? It would have been really satisfying to tell her that he had kissed me. Fluke though it was, and I knew it. It would have made Tracy turn as red as her hair. That would be a nice reward. Wow I sound mean there. “Look can’t you just tell him I called.”
“I do every time, but he is not interested.” Click. Dial tone. Yeah, right she’ll tell him. I’m the big celebrity instead of Nick too. And pigs fly on Tuesdays.
“Cally, you ready?” I hear my friend call, peeking in, wearing just a wife beater and a pair of black jeans. Simple looking, crazy acting. Me, I just pulled a random band t-shirt out and some bell bottoms. Can’t pull off that whole skinny jean thing. Not that I care about style, I’m just stuck seeing it in every store. Hey my shirt’s a Beatles shirt. My Yellow Submarine one. Yay me.
Yeah I’m excited about my shirt. I haven’t worn it in a while thank you very much. I nod at my friend, pocketing the cell phone. Maybe by some chance he’ll check his caller id? Unless Tracy deletes the number. Darn. I shouldn’t care so much anyway. The girlfriend hates me, he’s a good friend but drama follows him worse than crazy people with cameras.
I hopped into the back of the decked out Volkswagen van. I love this car. I’d so buy it for myself if it wasn’t already Sebastian’s. So out we went, picking up Izzy of course. Off to the arcade we go!
Now if I could get the musician off my mind I’d be happier. It’d also help if the darn radio Sebastian had on wasn’t talking about their coming album. So I called again, I had let Izzy sit up front. Sometimes I feel like an outsider to the world, looking in but not part of it. I live my life as much to the fullest as I feel comfortable in my shell. If that makes sense. Still, it’s like everyone else is part of the world and not me.
Ringing again.
“Hello Calypso.”
Tracy again. Oh joy and rapture.
“Trace, who is it?” I heard Nick ask in the background.
“Sorry, no one is interested.” Click. Damn her. I put the phone away, as my friend glanced at me curiously. The male friend driving of course. I just smiled. The back was hooked up pretty well. See I had been the one who designed this thing. It had a modern retro feel. Shag carpet, a TV plugged in to a mini-generator Devi had found. No beads, instead a blue curtain I put yellow splashes of paint on. If I had my way I would have had a lava lamp in here. He had said no. So instead I had one of those ten dollar disco balls that are have like red, yellow, green and blue lights, running on batteries and latched onto the ceiling of the car. Not much had changed as I sat in the comfy seats Devi never did let me change. Only difference was he had hung a poster or two up. And the disco ball was gone. Bummer.
Izzy saw me and I guess she caught the look as the DJ went on about the new Flames of Ice album. Cause the station changed. To some boy band. Great. Now see I liked some of the older ones. New ones not so much. Though one of the voices sounded familiar.
“But this time, without crying, as she got into her car, she said… No, 'Happily Never After'… That just ain't for me. Because finally, I know, I deserve better, after all (ooooh)…I'll never let another teardrop fall."
Hey, not bad. Guess my pop loves can be current and not all 90’s based when they want to be.
“And that was the latest single from Aaron Carter…” Oh it wasn’t a boy band. Wait, wasn’t that Nick’s little brother? He had said he sang pop music. Wow, he sounds a lot like Nick. Yeah that’s helping my mind not focus on the evil Tracy.
Guess this was another sign to give it all up. Better start listening Calypso Lynn Rayne.
Better start listening.
************
“Trace who was that?”
“Telemarketer” She chirped as I was trying to get my pants on and walk towards her at the same time. We were releasing the single today now that we had the songs recorded and picked. There were a few final mixes that had to be done, but the music was ready. We picked a single too heh. One I wrote actually. Just before the last recording session we had the other day; I penned this song, got truly inspired and wrote like hell in my notebook. We had a few radio interviews we had to do today. Releasing the single and all. Here’s where my life is going to get crazy again. Can’t say I didn’t miss it. I wish Cally called though. Yeah I said it. I keep thinking I scared the shit outta her when we kissed. I didn’t mean to. If she called then I’d know and feel better. Maybe I should call her and not be a chicken shit.
“Lemme see my phone.”
She came up behind me, her fingernails running down my spine as I looked around for my shirt. “Mmm how come.”
“So I can make a call.”
Her lips grazed my neck just enough to tease the hell out of me. “To who?”
“A friend.”
Immediately she pulled away. Damn. I was starting to enjoy that. “Is it Cally?”
I should be honest. Lying will only get me in deep shit right? “Yeah.” Either I’m right or I’m an idiot.
“I don’t think you should be talking to her.”
Idiot. Beeeeep! Wrong answer Nick! “How come?”
“I think she’s using you. I don’t like the idea of her with you is all.”
Cally? She ain’t the type. Uh oh. Her spidey jealous senses are a tingling. Time to go into satisfy girlfriend and do what I want at the same time battle mode! Cause I ain‘t doing anything wrong here. Really. “I don’t think she is babe, but if you want, I guess we can hang out less if it bothers you so much.”
Ooh kisses. And hands, hands in new places! Well not new. But it felt like it. “Thanks Nicky.”
I wish she didn’t use Nicky as a pet name heh. Finally I find the shirt and we head out. Me to meet up with the fellas, and she was going out to lunch with a friend who said might be able to hook her up with a new job. Guess Brian was right, time to re-evaluate the relationships. I think Cally and I just don’t work in my twisted ass world.
Can’t blame a guy for trying though.
***********
In the arcade, I was doing good, playing against Sebastian in a game of DDR. I’m not a good dancer, but the game is easy. Izzy was laughing and acting all cheerleader and valley girl on us. I grinned as I kept my eyes on the screen, ignoring the cheers. Sebastian sent me that little smirk of his, thinking he’d beat me of course. Music was playing loudly above the game noises in the arcade. Really I was dancing to that more than the game. That was until I heard Nick’s voice blaring through the speakers. Guess this was their new song. I wish Tracy wasn’t so evil. Now is not the time for thinking that. Things happen, so listen to your rational mind. Ignoring it, we continued playing. My attention lost though, I lost the game. So not fair.
“Hey, come Lypsi, let’s get some pizza. I’ll buy.” Iz had gone with some guy she knew from Centennial. She attracts boys like bees to honey. I told you how unfair that was. You see my love life? Even with the slight bumps on that otherwise overly smooth road, it was pathetic.
“I’ll catch a ride with Shawn!” She called out at us as we headed out to Devi’s car. I glanced at my friend beside me. Well, with information from Isabel, this felt weird. It felt like a setup. Lordie now I sound paranoid. We climbed in the car and I turned on the radio. I heard Brian’s voice and turned it up. It was some interview with the band. Sebastian didn’t make the connection, driving contentedly.
I could hear my best friend talking, but really I was paying more attention to the sound coming from the radio before us.
“Brian, what inspired you to write this? This song seems more personal than your past ones.”
“All of our songs come from our own experiences. Actually, Nick wrote this one.”
I could hear him cough nervously and a tiny smile flitted upon my face.
“I wrote this song maybe a day before our last recordin session dawg. I just, got hella inspired and wrote like I was bout to die. The guys loved it, we laid down the track and here we are.”
“This song sounds like it was meant for someone, was it.”
“I ain’t sure man. Things are always changing in my life, so that song coulda been inspired by anything. I write what I feel, what I know.”
“Okay listeners here it is again. Helpless When She Smiles by Flames Of Ice. This is Frankie at the lunch box, where you hear the music first.”
“Cally, anything you craving pizza wise?”
“Any place is cool, I’m not picky.” I replied as the haunting notes in the beginning of the tune began to play.
She wraps the truth inside her lies
Just when I can’t take what she’s done to me
She comes to me
Leads me back to paradise
She’s so hard to hold
But I cant let go
I’m a house of cards in a hurricane
A reckless ride in the pouring rain
She cuts me and the pain is all I wanna feel
She'll dance away just like a child
She drives me crazy, drives me wild
But I’m helpless when she smiles
(oh when she smiles)
(she smiles)
Maybe I’d fight it if I could
(maybe id fight it if I could)
It hurts so bad it feels so good
She opens up just like a rose to me
When she’s close to me
Anything she'd ask me to I would
It’s out of control
But I can't let it go
I’m a house of cards in a hurricane
A reckless ride in the pouring rain
She cuts me and the pain is all I wanna feel
She danced away just like a child
She drives me crazy, drives me wild
But I’m helpless when she smiles
(when she smiles)
When she looks at me
(when she looks at me)
I get so weak
I’m a house of cards in a hurricane
A reckless ride in the pouring rain
She cuts me and the pain is all I wanna feel
She'll dance away just like a child
She drives me crazy drives me wild
But I’m helpless when she smiles
oh when she smiles
When she smiles
When she smiles
When she smiles
When she smiles
“Cally…”
“Cally!”
“Oh, yeah?” I replied, the daydream instigated by the song fresh in my mind.
“We’re here.”
I nodded, shaking myself out of the reverie. “Oh, Spiffy.”
************
I had crashed in the bed of my girlfriend’s hotel room later on. Maybe I should just let her stay in my place. I had done this thinking she’d be going back to Vegas soon. But since she quit I guess not now. I was tired but I wanted to go out. Tracy had already done that, came back drunk off her ass. Then we had fun wild crazy drunk sex till she fell asleep. Now I wanted to go out, but I didn’t want to wake her. I ain’t cold hearted. So I tried some friends. Jay was out with Mandy/Candy/Sandy whatever his off and on girl is called. Brian didn’t answer, which meant sex with his wife. Howie didn’t answer. That meant sex with his girl. Kevin didn’t answer, which meant Kristen was giving him a ride cause he answers even if he is busy and then gets hella mad at me. Chris I think was out. Bean was out of the hospital but was takin’ it easy. Didn’t blame him.
I have other celebrity numbers heh, but I wasn’t in a mood to be fake. I just pick a number, not looking at all. Anything was better. And I listened to it ring. It was about 2:30 in the morning. People could be sleepin’ too I guess. I’m a night owl myself.
“You say goodbye but I say hello, hello hello?” Shit, I called Cally? Damn. What’s she doing up?
“Um hey.” Yeah that’s smooth Carter.
“Um, hi…um…what’s up?”
What do you say to a girl that’s been avoiding you? Heh, well I was bored and antsy. “You wanna go clubbin’? I’m bored and seeing if I can find someone to go.”
“That’s not really my thing. You know that.”
That’s right I did. She’s that low key girl that you didn’t know existed if you grew up in the Hollywood so called glamour that I did. Lame again Nick. “Sorry, I forgot.” Oh that sounded good.
“Hey, I have an idea, come by and pick me up.”
“What are we doing?”
“You’ll see, just bring a radio with you, ok?”
She caught my attention. “Aight, and we’re doing what?”
“I said you’ll see. Nothing all psycho, I swear, on a case of the almighty red mountain dew.”
I chuckle; well it was better than trying to watch TV. “Aight see ya in a few.”
“Toodles!”
One of a kind that girl.
************
So Nick picked me up in his Cadillac about twenty minutes later. I was actually waiting by my door since it was so late and I didn’t want to wake Sebastian. It was actually fun earlier, we talked and it felt like old times. But yet it didn’t. Because it wasn’t. Everything changed and it felt nice but weird at the same time. I’m pretty sure he’d get mad I’m going out to hang with Nick. But it’s my life. “Which way?”
“Oh, um right.”
We’d been driving for about thirty minutes now. So it was about three in the morning. But I knew where to go. It was a decent distance outside of the city. I smiled as we got closer to our destination.
“Okay, we’re here.” Once out of the car I hopped out with the backpack I brought with me. He stepped out as well, and I knew he was wondering why we were here. “You brought the radio right?”
He nodded; producing a small battery powered CD player… that was ipod adaptable? Okay, I want to be rich. I can’t even get a car. “What are we doing here?”
“I thought we’d chill, snack, jam to music and do some star gazing. This hill is far enough outta LA the glare from the stars isn’t as bad. I ride the bus up here a lot.” I pulled out the blankets, lying them out on the plant glittered desert. Followed soon by a few cds and some food of course. I brought a big backpack.
He sat beside me as I popped in a mix cd. Old and new music. “You’re into star gazing and shit.”
“It’s relaxing. Sometimes I bring a sketchbook and a Discman and just escape. Get away from school, my friends, my family. And just… be you know?”
“Sounds nice.”
I just smiled at him. “You should try it more. People don’t recognize you here. You can just be you.”
“I dunno if I can do that. Can you?”
“I don’t know, but I feel like I can up here. It feels even spiritual.”
He smirked, as I leaned against him, munching on some skittles. “Brian would dig that.”
“Maybe not, he doesn’t know my religious views.”
“I don’t believe in God, and he knows that.”
I raise a brow at him. “Or you do but don’t want to?”
“Heh, the first one.” His finger tails around in the dust of the earth, as the stars twinkle peacefully above us in the black velvet sky.
“I don’t believe in the bible. My family’s pretty religious too. I think we’re born for reasons and if we don’t accomplish em we try again. Reincarnation. I don’t buy all these certain values or traits get you into heaven. It’s if you have a good soul and learn through your lives here.”
He looked at me with surprise in those deep blues he owned. Guess he didn’t expect that from me. “You really believe that Cally Baby.”
“Your spirit never dies ya know? That’s why I never wanna be buried if I die. It could trap it, or, who’d want to be a spirit and have a body to remind you of how you went? I want my body to be free, spread out in ashes on the wind.” I paused, seeing where I was leading the conversation. Most people can’t take this side of me. “I never talk about this cause my fam wants to deny I believe this, that I’m some good Christian girl and all who sees the bible as truth and not as a story man wrote I guess. Sorry.”
“It’s aight, that’s pretty deep.”
“I guess. I really believe that.”
“You are some kind of special Cally. Some kind of special.”
I just gave him a smile, a sincere one. Those ones I said in the very beginning because I know they look fake? One of those. It felt nice. “Heard your song on the radio…”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah…you write that for Tracy?” Why am I saying this? Am I as nutty as nutter butter? Those are good by the way if you’ve never had them.
He scratched the back of his neck, his gaze leaving mine. “Nah, we haven’t been datin’ long ‘nough. I ain’t sure why I wrote it. It just came to me a few days after those damn paps stalked us. I didn’t finish it till two days ago.”
“It’s a good song.” I turned off the cd and tuned in the radio, and laughed when the opening notes to the song started up. “And all over radio looks like. Wanna sing it.”
Nick laughed, as I pushed some hair out of his eyes before he had the chance to. “Sing it why.”
I wasn’t sure. “Please?”
Chuckling he took a breath and started singing along. Yet, there was a funny look in his eyes I couldn’t place. I said nothing of it. “Just when I can’t take what she’s done to me…She’s comes to me, Leads me back to paradise. She’s so hard to hold, but I can’t let go. I’m a house of cards in a hurricane…A reckless ride in the pouring rain…”
Nick gave me a smile right then. One of those dazzling, irresistible Carter smiles as he continued to sing. And I could tell his was sincere too. I had to look away. “Thanks.”
Lying back on the blanket we watched the stars. And once again, I felt safe.
“ Drives me crazy, drives me wild…But I’m helpless when she smiles…when she smiles…”
