Chapter Four: Freeing Me
I sit in the back of my math class with a small yawn. Not a fan of it. Hate it actually. Way, way too much structure for my taste really. I'm stuck though. Damn requirements for degrees. If I had my way I would've found an out clause. Nope, I was doomed to the terrible angst I call math. So there I am sitting in the back. As always I go relatively unnoticed. That figures right? So I have a sip of my red mountain dew, my addiction soda. Most people have coffee as their addiction drink, me, hating coffee, has red mountain dew. I'm odd I know, I just wish I wasn't invisible. Then maybe I'd handle my own oddness better and not wish to change so much. So a sip of the soda, and a subtle flicking open of the cell phone is what helps me survive the deadly math course I am trapped in. Trust me, my professor won't notice me ignoring him, I almost wish he would. Oh well, at least I won't die of boredom today. Also, oh joy, with the psychology degree I still am battling my family with not choosing, if I do that, I'm due to more math torture with the addition of statistics classes. Oh joy. Oh rapture. And now I must be getting pretty darn rambly and depressing. Sorry about that. I told you before, I tend to talk a lot.
So I go through numbers to message. I wonder who shall answer. Dum Dum Dum... Hmm. That's actually a good question. Sebastian, I would, but still no number... Teddy, no probably doing um...Navy things; whatever the hell they actually do. Oh! I could try Izzy! She's always up for chatting. She's my sole close female friend for a reason. But, she's still got a few more months of high school to finish out. I could try, and hope she's at lunch and not in class... Lord how could I forget only a little more than a year after escaping, when lunch usually is at Centennial high school? I continue through the numbers, I don't want to get Iz in trouble. So I keep scanning down. You know it took me eighteen years before I actually broke down and bought a cell phone? I know, I have trouble conforming well. Le sigh. Funny thing is, only two years ago, I bought a Discman. It'll be years before I cave and buy an ipod. Watch.
My professor calls on everyone but me. Its a small class too. This is the only class I don't hate my invisibility. Dislike? Sure, but not hate. Only hate the subject of the class itself. A name caught my eye that interrupted my current train of thought then, very similar to the way it had that one night.
Nickolas Carter.
(don't tell him I list him as Nickolas in my cell. He doesn't know.)
I haven't called since that other night. He had been drunk as a skunk, but sobering, I had known. He sounded so...depressed rather than drunk though. Had it not been for the slurs I would have solely thought it was him just being depressed. How could he be depressed? He was Nick Carter. Star singer of Flames of Ice on lead guitar. He was noticed by everyone, everywhere, living his dream, his own way. Its what I wanted, so damn badly. I wanted it desperately, just on a smaller scale. And yes, I do know its really them now. I talk to Brian a lot, he knows I know. Brian! Maybe I'll message him. He's goofy, sweet, but smart. Maybe he can help me with the concept of classical conditioning for my Psych. 101 class as well. I'm having issues with it. I'd ask my parents, but I already told you how my relationship has been with them lately.
So I pick his, even though Nick did not mean any harm last time; I was weary of calling him. Not cause of him. No. No. No. Don't think that. It was all me. My fault. I blurted that last thing I said, and hung up. Like a moron. Like a dork. Sounding stupid. I haven't even known Nick all that long. Probably thinks I'm a mess before he'll even see me. So I text Brian, and we end up on Yahoo mobile cause I like that better.
Callyarty: hey, I need ur help
KywildcatsB: hi hun, what with?
Callyarty: psych stuff
KywildcatsB: trying to figure out Nick? lol
I wasn't, but I wanted to know what he meant now, he sparked my curiosity. I push a dark gold strand of my hair away from my face as my azure eyes glance up through my glasses to make sure I'm not noticed for once. With my luck, I would. And I'm in the middle on whether or not I'd want it.
I wasn't however.
Callyarty: Nick?
KywildcatsB: he told me you 2 talked for 3 hrs, quite the feat.
Callyarty: oh, well yeah we did. we havent talked much since though
For some reason, I fail to mention the other night. Call it instinct again.
KywildcatsB: Why dont you call him?
Callyarty: dunno. not too good with that stuff.
KywildcatsB: Call it a hunch hun, but call. he'll appreciate it
Callyarty: how do u know
KywildcatsB: Im an expert an Nickcology. call him
Callyarty: I might, once Im out of class, like I said, Im terrible at this stuff, and so yeah I dunno.
CallyArty: maybe
**********
I never did tell the guys how close I came to dying that night. They didn’t need to know. They would just worry and all that shit and they were just a hell of a lot better off without knowing about it. None of them would believe what had gotten me to stop as it is. Come on, an eighteen year old chick I only talked to a few times, saying I was worth more than I thought? I still didn’t get myself how the fuck that got me to stop. How that got me to reconsider what the fuck I was doing. It just did. It made me think if someone random who didn’t even meet me yet in person but still cared, maybe life wasn’t as fucked as I thought. This chick was something else. I didn’t call her for the next couple days though. Heh more cause I knew I had acted shitty to her last time we talked. Even if most of the shit was a pure blur. I still didn’t want to call her. I figured even after saying what she did, that she didn’t like me much anymore. I wouldn’t blame her. I chase everyone away sooner or later. Whether its with my fucking ADHD, or with my loads of heavy baggage I’ve got piled on me. My fame that never just leaves me the hell alone. Something or other about me just makes people stop giving a damn about me. As much as I need someone to NOT stop giving a damn, this girl doesn’t need to be hurt. I can’t drag her into all my shit. Better to call it a twist of fate, God sending an angel to keep me alive, and now I had to go on with life as usual. Both of us should go as we were. So I tried. And I was spacing and shit more than I usually did. Hell that said a fuck a lot about it too. Trust me.
As it was, I’m already an asshole of a boyfriend. Yes I said boyfriend. Have I even mentioned I have a girlfriend yet? Shit. I suck. Well I do. And I wonder why no one ever sticks around? Yeah I have a girl. Been dating her two weeks I think. She doesn’t try to change me like my last girlfriend did. I don’t even know what I had seen in her now. You might have heard of her too. She’s famous for being born into a million dollar hotel dynasty type thing. She’s also named after a well known city and has freaking sex porno out by “accident”. Yep, you guessed it. London Miffton. The woman everybody loves to hate and I dated her. Why? She seemed different back then. London's a good actor; off screen. I thought maybe she wouldn't use me for fame or money since she had so much of it on her own. I also thought there was more to her. I was a damn fool.
Tracy, my current girl, is better. Not famous really, yet at least. I met her at our band's video shoot for our next single. She's an extra in the video. Ironically how Brian met his current wife, if you'd like a bit of Flames of Ice trivia. Tracy is beautiful though and fun when she’s not mad at me. She gets so damn mad at me too easy though. She doesn’t know about Calypso but what’s there to know anyway? Not much so it ain’t as bad as it fucking sounds so don’t say a damn thing about how I should say something.
Tracy, well, fuck I've neglected her a bit. So I made it up to her yesterday. Took her out and treated her right. But today, I have my ear to the cell phone, listening to her yell at me. Great way to spend the day. (Sarcasm is my friend.) She's mad as hell at me. Fuck is she pissed off. I don't even know what the hell I did. I started dating her since it had been awhile since I had anything other than the groupie one night stand shit. After London Miffton can you blame me for taking a break from it? God damn, especially since she tried to ruin me and have all her wannabe London friends accuse me of abusing her. Not that anyone would blame me if I did. But I didn't. I don't do that shit. Call that the one thing my failure I'm supposed to call parents taught me. I ain't like that. Not that the world believes me. Why the fuck should they when the lie sells more tabloids. I hate the fame sometimes.
“Are you even listening to me! Hello?! Well fuck you too then Nickolas Gene Carter!” Dial tone.
Oh shit! I spaced. Dammit my ADHD strikes again. I space at the worst times. Next thing I heard was that beep beep beep beep… noise you get after the dial tone stops and you’re still on the line alone. Uh oh. Never a good sign. I need boyfriend lessons. So I call her back, hoping to see if I can get my big ass out of trouble. It'd be nice to make a relationship work for fucking once.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Aw come on, someone have pity on me and make her answer!
And then my ears wanted to scream cause not only did she pick up, but she must have rammed the phone right next to or into a radio speaker! Major fucking feedback! Ow! God Dammit! So me, being my stubborn ass, tried calling again.
Not my smartest move. Not that I have many smart moves to begin with. Cause then Tracy did the same fucking thing. Was she trying to make me deaf?! God damn I need my hearing so I can make music properly. Fuck that hurt! So, again, being stubborn, I picked up the phone I had thrown down on my bed when my ears cried in pain, and was about to try again. I go to dial the number when I heard a voice on the other line.
“Hello?”
Holy shit. Was I psychic now? Hey I can be like Madam Cleo!
“Hello?” The voice said again. Oops. Hey this isn’t Tracy…
It was Calypso. That girl I said I wasn’t gonna call and bring into my mess of a life? Yeah her. I could hang up. Be an ass and chase her out before she got pulled in. Then call Trace and try again as I had planned. But I didn’t. Something kept me on that phone.
“Hey.”
“Oh! For a moment I thought you weren’t there or it got disconnected or something…”
There’s that cute nervousness again.
“Nah I’m here, just spacin’ some. Sorry.”
“So…what’s up?”
“My girl is pissed off at me and I have no clue why.”
“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” I didn’t tell her. Oh shit. Damn I just suck. Did she sound sad as she said that? Or was that my imagination? Likely the last thing I said.
“Yeah, well maybe. Not so sure anymore.” I give a chuckle.
“Why what happened? Other than her being all mad at you I mean. I’m supposed to be a psych one day so talk to Dr. Cally.” I lean back against the headboard of my bed. She’s so easy to talk to. I need to watch myself with this one.
“Supposed to be?”
I hear her sigh on the other end. “Yeah, supposed to be. It’s the practical career and I’d be happier…” Now why did that sound like she was brainwashed to say that? “Anywho, so what happened.
“I tried to call her after she reamed me out verbally over the phone and she put the phone next to a radio or something cause all I got was major ass feedback. I tried again and she did it to me again. I was gonna try one last time but you called…and talking to you seems a bit easier on my ears.”
She laughs softly. “Aww well that sucks.”
“Women suck!” I teased, wanting to hear that laugh again. Can’t explain why. Remember all I said about not wanting to drag this girl in my life? Forget that. I need a friend like her who’s not in the band.
“Hey now!” She whined laughing. “We do not…well most of us don’t. But she did have to say why she was mad at you.”
I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me. “Who knows…”
*************
Talking to Nick is relaxing. Especially after a torturous math class. I sat in the courtyard where there were a bunch of benches. I didn’t have class for awhile so I could talk to him for awhile. I ignored the stares, yes I’m a loner, yes I’m a dork, and yes I’m plain, leave me the hell alone. I leaned back against my bulky backpack, damn the fact I don’t have a car. Students walked by giving me glances. Stop looking at me dammit!
“Were you okay that night we talked last? Its been a few days since we talked and I thought I’d ask. You seemed hella out of it.” The wind picked up and blew into my face. Ponytail didn’t manage to keep all my hair from blowing in my face. Damn that wind. Once again I am so thankful he cannot see me. Why would he want to anyway? I’m not that special. Yet, I wish he didn’t have that damn evil blood sucking girlfriend of his. Okay, so I had no freaking clue if she was that evil based off of one small fight Nick mentioned that I know nada about. But god damn it, in my mind she is cause now I stand no chance. He's Nick Carter, he can have anyone, and she has to be better than me. Not that that’s hard.
“I just partied too hard, hangovers suck ya know.” His voice broke into my reverie.
“Glad you’re okay at least, you worried me.”
“I did?” He sounded surprised, aww.
“A bit yeppers.”
“Hey I’m special so so special then!” I couldn’t help but giggle. He sounded happy, yet something seemed off. It bugged just a little. My eyes take in the robin’s egg blue sky, the peacefulness about me since classes started, even though the wind is still annoying me. Nope, not going inside. “Possibly.”
“Nah, I am.”
There was an awkward pause then. I wonder what he’s thinking. “Thinking about your girlfriend…”
“Tracy? Just wondering why she’s mad still. Maybe its cause I’m a mean ass bastard and a bad boyfriend.”
I chuckled, thinking he’s kidding. “I doubt that one.”
“I wouldn’t, I am. Ask anyone. I am a bastard at heart, so next topic.” Whoa, was this the lighthearted guy I’ve been talking to? Then again, it reminded me of the vibe I had gotten that last time, that he was depressed.
“Oh hell no, not next topic, why are you so hard on yourself?”
“Cause its fucking true. Next topic.”
“I doubt that highly.”
“You haven’t known me that long.”
“I believe you’re not the person you think you are, you’re better.”
“How do you know that?”
“Call it instinct.”
“You’ll see.”
“Nope, you will. And I’ll prove it to ya someday, betcha anything.” Was that me talking? Since when have I ever been so bold?
I could hear him laugh, and that made me smile. “Alright then, I’ll take that bet. You’re a damn stubborn woman.”
Not my best quality. “Yeah, shy and stubborn, not the best combo.”
It's then his tone became the teasing one I recognized. “I like it.”
“Glad someone does.”
“I do, you’re an interesting chick Calypso.”
We continued to talk and I just know it was one of my better days. The stares students gave me became forgotten, as I relaxed and talked to this man under the setting sun in the courtyard. I missed a class but oh well. I was enjoying myself. We talked for only two hours this time around, but the conversation was better this time. I was waiting for Iz to pick me up from the college as our talk ended. I was relaxed and it was nice for once. Maybe because, for once, I was myself and not who my parents, my siblings, or my friends, wish me to be.
***********
“I have to get to a recording session with the fellas, I’ll tell Brian you said hey. And thanks by the way Cally.” I’m forced to tell her. Honestly I was already hella late. Kevin was going to have me barbequed. Shit.
“For what?” She asked confused.
“Just for the chat.” I lied. What was I supposed to say. For saving me the last time she called? Hell no.
“Oh, um hehe, you’re welcome.”
“Next time, you use your phone to take a pic of yourself and send it to me baby.”
“Why do you need that?” She sounded worried. Why?
“So when we ain’t too damn lazy to hang in person I’ll recognize you.”
“……maybe.”
“Aight, I really gotta go now.”
“Tell Brian I said hey.”
“Later Cally.”
“Bye Nick”
Click.
After we hung up I felt better. I did. Even if my girlfriend Tracy did fucking ream me out for shit just before I talked to Cally. Even if it was over something I don’t even know I did or what about it I did wrong. I just, felt a bit lighter was all. I was myself for once and that was so damn freeing for me. To be me and not that fucking image I have. I was me. Me without any false smiles and shit. Me without pretending to be hyper and okay around a bunch of stupid cameras. Outside of a few moments where I didn’t want Calypso to see how fucked up I am. With Calypso who, ain’t like most girls. Now I can fucking relax and figure out how to fix things with Trace. Thank you Cally.
