AJ McLean walked out of the meeting with the boys not sure what to think. He had so many ideas, so many opinions on well... just about everything. The one thing he didn't have much of a thought about was their future. He was too worried about his real life. His real future. How could he let things get so out of hand?
AGAIN?
And that was the word in that little phrase that bothered him the most. Again. Hadn't he been through this before? Sarah had remained by his side. The constant companion, the person he wanted to be when he grew up. He loved her and admired her more then anyone. Sometimes even more then his own Mother. And boy for him that was saying a lot.
But he threw it all away. On one night.
One stupid night when he had lost all of his self confidence, one night when he had done everything in his power to remain sober. One night that started with him doing the right thing. Calling one of his sponsors. He really did think it was the right thing. When you feel like you are going to slip up, don't think about it, don't hesitate, call for help. Not just anyone either. Call someone how has been there. Call a confidant.
So he did.
He had called her. So used to remaining anonymous that even in his innermost thoughts he referred to her as only...her.
When they saw each other though, he was so busy fighting one addiction that he didn't realize the other one was standing right behind his back ready to attack with a longing so fierce that by the time he had figured it out, the deed had already been done.
They both felt so bad. He and her. Do they tell their significant others the truth? Or do they act as if nothing had happened?
He choose honesty. It had worked for him in the past. He was hoping it would work for him now in the present. So, he pulled all the strength he could find into the phone call he made to his fiance. The better part of himself.
"Hello?"
"Hi sweetheart"
"Where the hell were you? I have been worried sick!"
"I know...I'm sorry" He once again tried to curb his sudden need for a drink, or a joint or a fix...Anything.
"So? Where were you? I called your Mom when you never came home and we agreed to maybe call the police"
"I'm glad you didn't I am fine" There was a hesitation on the other line. She knew. He could tell because she knew him that well.
"Sarah baby, we need to talk when I get home..okay?" He felt himself choking back tears. The heavy breathing on the other line didn't help matters any.
"Okay" She had whispered.
So he went home where he sat down next to her and held her hand as he stumbled through the story. He had rehearsed it in the car a thousand times, but it still didn't sound right. That's because nothing about this was right.
After about the first few sentences, Sarah had turned away. She tried to pull her hands out of his, but he wouldn't let her. He felt it would be too symbolic. If he let go he might just lose her forever.
He did let go, he had no choice. She understood and had agreed to give him another chance but the wedding was off.
He gave her props for at least staying with him because admittedly he would not have done the same thing. In fact several of his girlfriends who had straggled from him into some other mans arms had soon found themselves in the street. Afterall, he was AJ McLean Backstreet Boy right? He could have anyone he wanted. Why give someone a second chance? It seemed like too much effort.
As he watched her pack her bags, filling them with things that they had both purchased as a pair, he begged her not to go.
Begged.
But as she left she gave him a hug. "I promise I will try to be here for you" was all she said as she walked out the door.
He stood at the door just looking at his empty driveway. At their empty driveway, not knowing what to do next. He felt vacant. Vacant and hungry. Not for food though, for love. He already missed her and she wasn't even gone for an hour.
How was he going to survive this?
He walked to his fridge hoping food could fill the void left by a broken heart but unsatisfied with anything he found, he choose to just go to his huge king sized bed and go to sleep.
Not sure how, he ended up sleeping on the floor next to the bed while his dogs. Their dogs, took his place on the bed.
Maybe he thought he didn't deserve to sleep in luxury after what he had done, or maybe it was more simple then that. Maybe he just couldn't bare to sleep in that bed without the better part of himself. The part that had walked out of his life.
Leaving him feeling incomplete and alone...
