AJ paced back and forth looking around nervously. He wondered if he did the right thing. He had called her and begged for forgiveness but she never returned his call. He had been desperate. So alone. He hated feeling like that. Hated feeling all alone. That was really his biggest fear in life. Not so much failure or death, but being alone.
When he was a child, he went to sing at a nursing home. His Mom tried to prepare him for what he might see in there and he had haphazardly shook her warnings off. They were old people, how scary could they be?
Very scary.
He hadn't really prepared himself to see not only the frailty among the nursing home's population but also the sadness. The entire place could have cried out in desperation. The walls ringing with the sounds of people dying alone. It had effected him deeply and he had trouble going to sleep for weeks afterwards. Ever since that time, he had been terrified of being alone. Ending up like one of those lonely people.
Having a child look at him and have endless nightmares because of it.
No, AJ was not going to die alone. He was going to have a huge family. Starting with a wife. Someone he loved more then anyone else on the planet. He had always thought that Sarah was going to be that one for him. That she was going to forever be his companion. But unfortunately that was not to be.
He heard footsteps and quickly discarded the cigarette he was smoking. Throwing it onto the gravel and stepping out the flame. He laughed at the symbolism. He grabbed an Altoid from his jacket pocket and popped it into his mouth as she walked towards him.
"Hi" She said not even bothering to look up. He suddenly felt like maybe he wasn't making the right decision afterall.
"Hi, how are you doing?" He asked her placing his arms around her, enveloping her in a nice friendly hug.
"I'm okay. I've missed you. You haven't called since...well since that night" Her eyes played down to the ground.
"I know, I've been busy with things"
"Don't you mean her AJ? Don't you mean Sarah?" He stepped back a bit at the mention of her name. It didn't sound right coming from this girl's mouth.
"It's over between us, like I told you on the phone..I need to move on with my life"
"You know you still love her AJ. Stop kidding yourself" She said, now taking a seat on the curb right next to his discarded cigarette.
"No, I don't. She dumped me"
"Just like YOU dumped ME" Her words sounded harsh but she was right, he tensed.
"I'm sorry" He knew then that nothing was going to go as planned for him this night.
"AJ, I like you a lot. But you just have too much baggage for me" She stood up then, with his help. He smiled at her and they exchanged another friendly hug. As she started to walk away she turned once more, "Want advice from a friend who has been down your road more times then she wished?" He only nodded. He knew how hard her battle against drugs and alcohol had been.
"You have to love yourself before you can try to love anyone else"
He nodded and felt tears start to slide down his face. He only wished he knew how to feel that way. He loved people to death, felt all warm and fuzzy inside when it came to his Mom, grandparents and friends. He would do anything for them, but himself?
He had no clue how to even LIKE himself let alone love himself. It took him a long time to even figure out what love felt like. He always thought he knew. He knew he loved his Mom, he knew he loved his grandma, but the first time he ever felt love it came from a very bizarre place.
He was sitting in the back of a van after a tour of junior high schools with the boys. They were tired, hungry and most of all cranky. All he wanted to do was go home. Get away from the other four smelly, sweaty guys in the van. Go back home and eat some of his grandmas cookies.
He was sitting all the way in the back. He always got stuck sitting there next to Nick. Long before Brian and Nick became inseparable. No one much wanted to be near the kid. Brian included. He remembered, staring at his band mate while he played a Gameboy, unaware of everything around him. He also noticed he wasn't wearing his seat belt. He didn't think anything of it though.
Who cared?
Well, just as the thought ran across his mind, there was a very sharp turn followed by a short stop. Nick flew towards him heading for the window. The fear he felt as he watched Nick hurtling towards him overwhelmed him. He grabbed onto Nick for dear life until the car came to an abrupt halt.
At that moment he felt love.
He knew at that moment he would have sacrificed himself to save that kid's life. The feeling of relief washing over him as he pulled Nick away and got a good look at the kid to see he was okay, made him smile. That's how he knew that this band was going to work out. Because at that moment, he knew these guys were more to him then just friends. They were his family.
He loved them.
They had stuck by him through everything. All the crap and boy there was a boatload of crap. They would stick by him forever, at least he hoped they would. No, he knew they would. He had called Kevin that day, holding a beer in his hand, crying on the other end of the line, telling Kevin how he felt like his life was over. Kevin said just say the word and I'll be on the next plane out.
Love.
Maybe the first step in loving himself would be to make that call. Have Kevin on the first plane out. Maybe the first step was even more simple then that, maybe it was just to recognize that his life would move on. He wouldn't need Sarah or anybody else. That no matter what he would be fine.
The tears started to freely spill down his face as he picked up his cell phone and dialed.
"Hi Sarah, it's AJ...I just wanted to say, I am very sorry for...well, I'm sorry that things couldn't work out between us. I wish you all the best. I'm going to get myself back on the right path and start treating myself right. I hope you do the same. Who knows, maybe somewhere down the line, we could become friends again" He closed his phone and despite all the sadness he was feeling, he smiled.
He felt triumphant.
He had done the right thing. It felt right, it didn't feel forced, or desperate or anything. He also felt something else that right until that moment he hadn't felt before, at least not in awhile. He felt like everything truly was going to be okay.
He had his friends and his Mom, they would get him through things. Just like always.
He stood up and walked over to his car, calling one more person, "Hi Kev what's up? Still feel like coming for a visit?"
