Kevin got to AJ's house as fast as he could. Once he received the call, he didn't even hesitate. He hung up and booked himself a flight. Being needed was something he depended on. You could say he needed to be needed. It made him feel good. When they had first started out in this group, they had all depended on him. Some more than others. He was the oldest. The most responsible. They turned to him for advice, which he would proudly dole out for hours on end without even blinking.
It was so new to him. Before he left to start his life as a Backstreet Boy, he was in the role that AJ and Nick played now. The role of careless youth. Although Kevin would never even think to compare his emotional maturity to the others. His Mom would tell him he was an old soul.
She was right.
Long before Kevin could even walk, he worried. Perfectionist to a tee. So when he became surrounded in a world where the words fashionably late and it'll do, were rattled off like common adjectives, he knew things would be hard for him. He had a choice to make back then. Either let it get to you and burn out before you are 25, or mellow out and enjoy the ride.
He finally chose the latter.
Once he figured out that worrying about all things show biz would get him nowhere, he started focusing on his actual band mates. Instead of wanting to just take AJ aside and beat him senseless, he would explain to him how it could be considered rude to call everyone under the sun a dumbass. Instead of rolling his eyes and walking away from Nick in the midst of a full-fledged temper tantrum, he would sit down next to him, rub his back and tell him it was okay to be homesick. Instead of screaming at his cousin to start acting his age, he would take him on long walks and talk about the importance of settling down. Instead of dismissing Howie as a quiet indecisive guy, he gave him lessons on how to become more responsible with money and investments. All the extra effort had paid off for him. He found his role.
Older brother.
Now sitting next to AJ as he restlessly shifted his weight from leg to leg smoking and prattling on about Sarah, he found himself missing those days. The days when the boys looked up to him for guidance and support. It has started to seem to him that the older he got the less needed he was by everyone. Mom now fully depended on Jerald and Tim taking Kevin's absence a little bit more to heart than he would have liked. Also adjusting to it better then he had hoped she would.
His wife was always an independent girl, never wanting or needing to just stay at home and live on his money. Like the woman that his cousin married. No, Kristin would forever be her own woman.
"So I did it Kev. Finally" Kevin looked over to his friend when he said those words. Not that he wasn't listening before but the change of tone in AJ's voice made him take notice. It was a good change. A positive change.
"Are you okay with that?" He made his way closer to AJ, just in case he needed a free shoulder to cry on. AJ only nodded.
"I think you did the right thing J. I really do" Kevin sat down then, hoping that AJ would take his lead and do the same.
"You really think so man?" This time it was Kevin's turn to nod.
He had worried so much for AJ during the last few years. Sitting and watching him deteriorate right in front of his eyes. He felt so helpless. Until he took it to the extreme and told AJ he was a loser.
Tough love.
Something else Kevin was extraordinarily good at. When things got so out of hand that the only way to get them to listen was with harsh words, he felt free to use them. Even got punched in the face once from a young and angry Nick because of it.
"So enough about me. How's things with you?" AJ asked grabbing a new pack of unopened cigarettes out of his pocket and biting the plastic off the top.
"I thought you said you were cutting down on those"
"I have, I'm only smoking a half a pack a day"
"That still seems like a lot to me"
"You never answered my question" Kevin smiled. He was hoping that AJ hadn't noticed. It used to be easier to side track them back in the old days.
"Good"
"Just good Kev?"
"Yeah just good" Kevin started to fidget with his wedding ring. He could never understand why it was that even though he could get them to talk about themselves, telling him things that even their own families and best friends didn't know, he wasn't able to do the same.
"Everything cool with you and Kris?" That made Kevin stop fiddling with his ring.
"Yup. Everything's fantastic with the two of us. She is working in New York right now. She sends her love"
Truth was, Kevin hadn't even told her that he was going to see AJ. He wasn't sure why he didn't say anything. Probably because he would know her reaction. His mind replayed the only argument they ever had Backstreet related. It was the only one but it was a frequent one.
"You can't always keep picking up the pieces Kevin. They are men"
"I know babe, but what am I supposed to do?"
"You need to let them make their own mistakes"
"I do, but.."
"I know..you just worry. That's why I love you so much"
She always thought it a bit odd that they really did care for each other as much as they did. Even Kristin who knew them all from the very beginning, thought the whole we are just like family thing was just a gimmick. A way to soften the hearts of teens. She was surprised when she saw how extremely protective Kevin was of his friends. She had told him more than once that it was sweet but also dangerous. She said it was his way of hiding from his own feelings. Worrying so much about everyone else.
"Kevin, are you alright? You just look like you are having deep thought or something" Kevin looked away from his sea of thoughts and smiled at his friend. Happy to see that he had put on a few extra pounds. He looked good. He looked healthy.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just worried about you. That's all" AJ smiled and wrapped his arm around his older friend. "Thanks man, I really appreciate that"
Kevin sighed, it would frustrate him after his friends and family would be so open with him about things. He gave advice, nodded when they needed him to and shook his head in disgust when he knew it was his cue to do so, but there were so many times he wanted to just say, "You know what? I am having a bad day too. Let me tell you about it" But he never did.
Until now.
For some reason, sitting there on AJ's comfortable couch in the den, he felt the need to open up to someone he considered the most unlikely to be open to. "I feel like a failure" AJ froze. As a matter of fact, it felt like time froze. In the space of about only a few minutes, Kevin felt like hours had gone by. Hours to regret the words coming out of his mouth.
"Why?" AJ finally allowed himself to say. "Kevin you are not a failure, not even a little bit"
Kevin stood up and sat at the piano, the beautiful baby grand that AJ had in his hallway. "Why do you have this? Are you ever going to learn how to play?" Kevin asked as he leaned his left arm on top and hit the keys to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with two fingers of his right hand.
AJ made his way over to the piano and sat next to Kevin, "I can play this" He said starting the bass line to Heart and Soul. Immediately Kevin joined in with the melody. They repeated it about three times before tagging on a hookey ending. Both of them roared with laughter.
It was nice to laugh with an old friend again.
When the laughter died down, AJ put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "You never answered my question" He found himself saying again.
"I know" Is all Kevin said in return.
"You know what that makes you Kevin? You feeling like a failure and all?"
"No AJ, what does that make me?" Kevin smiled because he knew the answer to that question. He knew so well because he was the one that always said it. He said it to Howie after he fell off the stage in the middle of a show, he said it to Brian after he puked on stage in front of hundreds of people, he said it to Nick when his album didn't do well and he said it to AJ the first time he fell off the wagon. Now he was about to be given the same line and he had to admit it felt a little good.
AJ waited for Kevin to make eye contact with him. Once Kevin's green eyes met AJ's brown ones he simply stated, "Human. It makes you human Kevin"
He nodded and once again began to play a simple melody on the piano, this time choosing Back To Your Heart. He had never let himself be seen in that light before. Not to any of them. Today he stepped down from big brother, big protector and became nothing more than a friend. And to his surprise,
It felt good.
