Kevin sat back and watched Howie and AJ catch up on old times. He always loved listening to Howie tell stories. He always felt like out of the five of them, he by far had the best stories to tell. Howie had gotten there first, usually the most punctual of the Backstreet Boys with the exception of himself of course.
He looked at the two men who had known each other for such a long time and felt a little pang of jealousy about the connection they seemed to have. Kevin had an incredible bond with Howie, but he and AJ just seemed so relaxed in each other's company. Kevin sat with his hands on the table playing with his fingers as Howie retold what he had said and done to the business guy he was meeting with for that casino. Smiling at how proud Howie was of himself for standing up to the intimidating man in the first place.
"You did the right thing D, those guys would have managed to screw you over eventually, this guy is a good guy" AJ had said pointing towards Kevin, "I trust him"
"Yeah, but, you should have seen the look on the guy's face...priceless" Kevin laughed as Howie imitated the man's surprised expression.
"So when are Brian and Nicky getting here? I admit I was kind of shocked when Brian told me he was going to see Nick" Howie said as he walked over to AJ's refrigerator and grabbed a soda.
"Yeah me too, I'm glad" And Kevin really was. He had been worried about their tall blonde heart throb for quite some time now. He was afraid that given time, Nick would have ended up going into rehab himself. He was sure that the thought lived in the back of everyone's mind.
"I just hope they worked everything out"
"Me too J...me too" Howie sitting down with his Coke looked over to Kevin, "So Kev, what's been going on with you?" He sat up straight and shrugged, "Not too much. Kris is in NY. I think I am going to go up there and surprise her after this"
"What's she doing there?"
"Just working, noting big" Howie nodded, noticing the uneasiness that his slightly older friend was showing only by the quality of his voice.
"Is something wrong?" Kevin shook his head, he didn't mean to become so melancholy all of the sudden and he hardly thought either man would notice. "No, I'm just a little restless that's all"
"I think we all are"
"I'm tired of just sitting around waiting for things to happen"
AJ laughed at Kevin who in return shot his young friend a dirty look, "Why are you laughing at me?"
"Do you ever take a minute to relax...ever man?"
"What do you think I'm doing now?"
"I think you are here rescuing my ass, that's what I think you're doing" Kevin couldn't argue because AJ was right. He had dropped everything to come and help out his friend, but that's just the way he was.
"Would you rather I not have come?"
"No Kevin, I didn't say that. I am just saying, I don't think you ever allow yourself to relax"
"Seriously Kevin, AJ is right, when was the last time you were actually worry free about anything?"
"When did this suddenly become gang up on Kevin time?" Kevin said letting out a nervous giggle.
"Sorry, but you're always so tense about stuff, you need to just chill and relax"
He was ready to lose his cool again. Something that he and the youngest member of their group collectively were notorious for. Ever since he was a child, Kevin was known to speak out of anger and then later regret it. Up until only very recently he had learned the value of biting his tongue. But, he was a passionate guy in every sense of the word and when he felt anger or any emotion, he admitted to it freely. He felt bad because before they had decided to cool things off as a group for a while, or as the press and his record company liked to call it, take a hiatus, he had blown up at all four of them. One by one.
It was right before Nick had even announced his solo plans to the guys and shortly after the Black and Blue wrap up. That odd limbo that there usually is after one project ends and another begins. He was tired of the way Jive was treating all of them and tired of the way that The Firm was constantly ripping them off. He decided to take a stand and when he gave his lecture about this to the others, he had stopped to look at them all one by one. AJ smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings, Howie on his cell phone totally oblivious to the entire conversation and Brian whispering to his wife who always managed to weasel her way into every meeting. Ironically the only one that seemed to be paying any attention was Nick, but it was his facial expressions and grunts that caused Kevin to lose it.
And he did big time.
Starting with Howie telling him to get the hell off the God damned phone and focus for more then three minutes. He told AJ that not everything in the world revolved around him. He said something to the effect of since when did we become a six piece group to Brian and lastly he told Nick to grow up. He flung his hands up in the air and stormed out of the room.
Later on that night he ended up calling every single person and apologizing, even Leighanne. A few weeks later, Nick hit everyone with his decision to go solo.
"What are you thinking about Kevin?" He looked up from his pool of memories to meet Howie's eyes. "Just stupid stuff"
"Oh"
Kevin wished he knew how to relax. He had tried so many times during their break. Nothing seemed to work because his mind never stopped dwelling. "I sometimes feel like I live in the past"
"What?" Howie asked seeming a little surprised.
"The past, you know, like I am eternally living in 1999"
"Why would you feel that way Kev?"
"I don't know. We were so successful. Think about it, now we are failures" And there it was again. The one word that he felt defined him.
Failure.
"We are far from being failures Kevin" The tone in Howie's voice made it sound more like a defensive statement then a sure one.
"Seriously, when people hear the name Backstreet, they laugh. We are a joke"
"You know Kev, everybody has their time to shine. We were lucky to have 1999. Whenever I am down I think of all the great things we achieved. The records we broke. We WERE 1999"
"Yeah but it's 2003. That makes us out dated" Then a profound statement from AJ, had the two older men smile.
"You know Kev, if you always live in the past, you will never enjoy the future"
That was so true. Funny that a guy who looked at his downfall as the high point of his life would say something as deep as that. Kevin found himself doing much the same thing ironically. His dad would have told him, if he were still alive, that you couldn't measure your successes by the level of fame or money you received but by the fun you had along the way.
Those early years weren't fun for Kevin. They were work. But only because he didn't allow himself to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe that was the lesson to be learned in all of this.
"Kev, you're not a failure okay?" Howie said placing an arm around his friend, "Trust me, you are one of the best people I know. It doesn't matter what you have done either. I mean if you were a teacher or a mechanic or an under water welder, you would still be one of the best people I know"
"Yeah only difference is he would be mooching money off of us" AJ said lightening up the mood and making them all laugh.
As Kevin sat back in his chair he took a minute to think about what AJ had said. At that point he decided to make a change in his life. He would learn to relish all the good that came his way. Besides, hadn't his father also said, if you surround yourself with good people, you will never fail.
Looking back at his two friends laughing at his expense, Kevin smiled.
Dad was right...
