Nick sat silently watching the four men he looked up to as brothers, confidants and teachers, all smiling and laughing in the pool. It appeared as if no time had gone by at all. It was almost like watching a flashback unfold in front of his eyes, half expecting to see his younger self come racing out of the house and belly flop into the pool without even looking or caring who he got wet along the way.
How many times had he done that? He wondered as he sat back lighting up a cigarette out of everyone's view. They didn't know he had taken up smoking. There was a lot they didn't know.
He put his feet up on the table crossed one over the other and watched as Kevin pulled AJ towards him and dunked him down under the water. Brian's laughter echoing through the air instantly calming him like the scent of baking cookies calms a hungry anxious child.
That's what he felt like. A hungry and anxious child.
After only a few puffs of the cigarette he decided to put it out, before any of the guys questioned him about it. Not that they would, he's not a child, heck they really didn't seem to care about what he did at all.
Maybe that was the problem?
No, he couldn't allow himself to think like that anymore. You act like a child and they'll treat you like one! And wasn't that the truth. All his life, even now at 23, he tended to act like a child which was ironic since he had grown up so fast in this business. He remembered the fight he had with Kevin that sparked him to say those words. "If you act like a child, then you'll be treated like one!" Nick dismissed it as another annoying Kevinism, but later he found it had held so much truth. No matter who he was around, whether they be older than him or younger, he was still treated like a child.
"Hey Nicky, come on in the water's great!" Howie yelled from the pool looking up at Nick and squinting the bright sun away. "Until the day I die, he will forever call me Nicky" He heard himself utter under his amused breath.
"What?... is the water too good for you Kaos?" AJ said with all the sarcasm he could muster dripping from his lips.
"I'm just afraid you might have peed in it or something"
He awaited for the chorus of ewwws to come and smiled wide when they did. He knew these guys so well. He had missed these guys so much. How was it that they could let so much time go by? How was it that he could slowly try to phase them out of his life? They were so important to him.
They are so important to him.
"Nick, you okay up there?" Now it was Brian's turn to ask. Nick uncrossed his legs plopping them down to the ground with a thump, so he could peer over the side of AJ's deck and smile. "Yeah I'm grand, just relaxing"
"Why don't you get your ass down here and relax with the rest of us then" AJ again. Impatient but warm and friendly all at the same tine.
"He'll come down when he's ready" Kevin always understanding when to let things be while at the same time never allowing them to get too far out of his control.
Once Kevin bought him more time, Nick allowed himself to sit back and take in the fresh air. Being out on the road by himself, he hadn't felt so insecure. As insecure as he did with these guys. He was forced to take on the big brother role to his own band, even though he was still a bit younger then some of them. Most of them were his age, but when it came to performing, he was unquestionably the mentor.
He liked the role. He liked the fact that people went to HIM for advice and that people looked at him and said, "Now there's a guy who knows what he's talking about" but when he was with these guys, he didn't feel like that at all.
The sound of intense splashing had him once again peer over the deck to see the four of them playing chicken. He couldn't help but laugh. "And they think I'm immature" He said, just out of their ear's reach.
He stood up and watched as the scene unfolded. Howie on Brian's shoulders and AJ on Kevin's. Both trying to shove the other off. "You know, you guys are too old to be doing that, you might sprain or pull something" Just as he said it, AJ went tumbling off of Kevin's shoulders, splashing into the water. Nick howled with laughter, holding his belly as AJ emerged from the bottom of the pool.
"Well, that sucked!" He said. Nick continued to laugh until he realized they were all staring up at him, squinting and smiling. For some reason that made him torn. Torn between the two Nicks.
The Nick he used to be and the one he had gradually become. The old Nick, would have loped his legs over the side of the deck and jumped straight into the water as his four protector's yelled for him not to do that. It's not safe. You have to think, they would say. He would receive a harsh lecture from Kevin about safety and how with one slip, he could have broken his neck.
And then there was the other Nick. The one he had grown into. This one laughed but then went back to his business, which usually included drinking and carousing for ladies. This Nick, had no need to be protected, no need to be coddled. This Nick was independent Nick. He didn't feel the need to listen to older brothers prattle on about things that had past. Things that didn't interest him anymore.
Things like the Backstreet Boys.
He moved away from the edge and just stood there. These guys always had a way of stirring up his emotions. Maybe that is why he had kept away from them for so long. Seeing Brian standing there at his house, made him almost well up. He was so happy to see him. He never wanted him to go.
To him, Brian represented his childhood.
Now that he was approaching his mid twenties, which was still young by normal people standards but almost ancient in his profession, he found himself wanting to cling to his childhood.
"Aw Nick, why are you being such a damned party pooper?" AJ again, sounding whiny.
He wanted to answer, but couldn't find his voice. Another symptom of hanging out with his big brothers. The guys he loved so much. So instead he just chose not to say anything. And eventually the others just went back to having fun in the pool.
He sat on the table, using a chair as his foot rest and did nothing but listen. Listen to the polite conversations he heard going on in the pool. Kevin talking about his stint in Chicago. Nick wanted to go, but could never find the time. Or AJ talking about life without Sarah. So many times he had wanted to call to check up on him, but never did. Brian talked about Baylee. Again, even when Nick found himself in Georgia, literally only ten minutes away from their house, he felt oddly uncomfortable with even calling his best friend. So, he had yet to even see this boy. The one who they both had SO many late night conversations about. Before he would even meet his wife, fall in love and drift away. He listened for Howie but didn't hear anything. A tap on his shoulder made him realize why.
He look over to see Howie smiling at him, hair wet and frizzing into an uncontrolled mess. "Is it that interesting?"
"What are you talking about D?"
"That tree. You've been staring at it for at least ten minutes"
"I have?"
"Yeah"
"Oh" He smiled and pushed the chair Nick was using as a foot rest out from under his feet and sat down, even though there were at least four other chairs to choose from.
"I was just wondering if you plan on being this antisocial the whole time or what?"
"I'm sorry Howie, I guess I'm just not in the mood to hang out"
"Then why did you come?" Boy was that ever a good question. He really had NO intention of coming. Once Brian had given up trying to convince him otherwise, he had decided to maybe go over to one of his new friends houses. Go swimming or out to a late lunch or something.
But instead he felt abandoned, as if he didn't have a friend in the world, so before he could talk himself out of it, he ventured over to AJ's, instantly calming down when he heard their voices coming from the deck. The same one he was sitting on now.
Even though when he got there, they were talking about him, it had an oddly comfortable feeling attached to it. "Because I missed you guys" He finally said when he realized he had left Howie hanging, waiting for a response.
"We have missed you too" Nick smiled as Howie winked at him. "You know, if you did miss us, you should come on down and hang out, but it's up to you kiddo. Okay?" Nick nodded and just like that Howie was gone. Back downstairs and into the pool.
He sighed heavily as he stood up and walked into the house, He opened the refrigerator door hunting for something to feed his hunger. Brian's laughter echoed in the background, which made him stop and smile. Maybe he wasn't hungry after all.
He turned on his heel and walked down the stairs to meet the rest of the guys. He looked out the glass window at them as they stood there in the pool talking. Smiling and trying to get reacquainted with each other.
Before he even realized he was doing it, he had taken his shoes and socks off and found himself running from the house towards the pool, still wearing his regular clothes as he did a belly flop soaking them all and not even caring.
He came up from the water with a satisfied grin on his face. They thought it was because he had managed to get them wet, but it was for so much more.
Kevin nodded which made Nick smile.
"Hi guys, I'm Nick" He said shaking each of their hands from Kevin all the way to AJ at the end, who answered the shake with a dunk.
He emerged from beneath the luke warm water to see the faces of his friends. The only ones he had ever really known. Sure he had a ton of friends but no one who understood as much as these guys did.
Internal struggles would be there for another day. The future to be decided at another time, today was just a day to be around the people he knew cared about him. And they did. He had finally figured that much out.
And It felt good.
