Sleep did not come easily to AJ after Sarah left. Nothing came easy to AJ after Sarah left. When he would look at a picture on his wall, he would think back to the time and place it was taken. Smiling about something she had said to him or the way she had smelled at the time.
It was all too painful.
He walked around his house, breathing Sarah. She was everywhere. Around every corner, in every closet, on every bed, her clothes, her hair, her shampoo still lying next to the tub. He had wished that she had taken it all away, but at the same time, the positive side of him. A side that was barely there anymore, looked at it as some kind of sign.
She would be back.
But she hadn't even called. It had been a long time now, since she had walked out the door, promising him that she would try to stick by him. And everyday that passed, he found himself realizing that it was over.
He had lost her.
The best thing in his life was gone. And why? Because of his lack of self control. The same lack of self control that was showing it's face now as he sat on his living room sofa, holding a beer in his hand. He had worked so hard to clean himself up, he had put so many people through so much.
He didn't take a sip.
Instead he walked over to his sink and emptied the contents down the drain. It would follow the other two he had already dumped today. Three times he almost lost himself again.
Three times he didn't.
Instead he decided he needed to get out of his house, so he grabbed his keys, got into Sarah's favorite car, and headed for the beach.
He only found himself driving this car nowadays. None of the other ones carried as many memories for him. And he needed those memories. He needed to feel like Sarah was still there. Any way that he could.
She loved taking long drives in this car. It was something they did whenever they had a fight. The yelling and screaming that would go on would send the dogs scattering to opposite ends of his mansion. Sometimes they were long too. A fight could last forever because they were so stubborn. The both of them.
"Let's just cool down and go for a ride" She would say. That's how he knew a make up was soon on the way. And they always made up. No matter how serious or stupid the fight, he knew Sarah would eventually say those words, "Let's cool down and go for a ride"
He was hoping those words would come the night she left. As he watched her pack her things, crying. He hoped that she would say "Let's go for a ride baby, let's work things out"
It never happened though. And that's how he knew it was over.
He turned down the rode which headed to the beach. The beach they would eventually end up on after they cooled off. Just like the car, the beach held so many memories. He took off his shoes and walked down to the sand.
He was not a beach person by trade. It didn't suit him at all. He was more of an all night karaoke bar person. But Sarah loved the beach. Not even so much getting into the water. She loved the way the sand felt as it filtered through her toes. She said it felt like a form of massage therapy.
He walked along the sand just close enough to smell the briny ocean but far enough to not have to walk on the dried up seaweed.
He wished that he could appreciate the water as much as his fiance.
His ex fiance.
It was time for him to start referring to her as his ex. They weren't a couple anymore. In his mind they were, but in his mind they would always be. Not only weren't they even a couple anymore but they were barely friends.
He had called her several times at first. And being polite she had answered and talked briefly before making up some excuse to have to get off the phone. Now she would just let her phone ring and ring and ring.
So he decided to leave her alone.
AJ took in a big breath and smiled at the smell of the water. The ocean smelled like peace. That's what Nick had said one day in a moment of quiet stillness. It was deep. It was profound and it had stuck in AJ's head.
The ocean smelled like peace.
He turned around and headed back to his car. He didn't deserve to be at peace. Maybe he would go get another tattoo. He had been thinking about it for a while. Maybe a huge spider. Something evil. Something daunting. Menacing and uneasy to look at.
That was him.
So he walked away from the calm serenity of the ocean and headed to a tattoo parlor...
