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After AJ was finally done laughing at me falling off the bed, well actually being pushed off the bed, he sat up with pillow held in his lap just smiling. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and was just about to toss it his way from force of habit when I luckily stopped myself. I grabbed a soda instead. One for him and one for me and made my way over to him.

"Don't you think you should be getting dressed man?" He asked me as he popped the can open. I love that sound the can makes, like the sound of gas escaping. It cracks me up. "We have time! Besides, what kind of example would we set if we actually showed up on time?", he smiled. "You've got a point there, okay well cheers then!" He raised his can in the air and gulped letting out a huge burp!

"Oh ick! Excuse yourself AJ that's gross" I followed with a much louder and longer burp. True I had a gift!

"Hey J?"

"Yes?"

"I always wondered, do you remember 1995, that night when I broke the bed in the hotel room?" I could tell he was searching his memory, "Uh Kaos, you have broken many things, it's hard to keep track!"

"I know, but this one you should remember" He seemed curious, "And why would that be?"

"Because YOU took the blame for me. Don't you remember that? Lou was screaming at me and YOU took the blame, I never asked you why you did that, I mean I did but not really." He laughed, "Oh yeah that, I remember now. You never did buy me anything you know! I went to bat for you and you never even bought me a Coke!"

"Well, I just did then" I said holding up the drink. He shook his head and made a face.

"Oh yeah gee thanks a lot, now that your little mister money bags you can do more than just a measly can of Coke now right?"

"You're right. Now I can buy you a Cherry Coke!"

"Boy you are a real comedian aren't you?" I nodded and wiggled my eyebrows ALA Kevin. He put the can down on my nightstand and laid back using his elbows to hold himself up, "You wanna know why I helped you then?" I just nodded wondering what the answer was gonna be.

"Okay well, I felt like It's what I needed to do"

"That's it?"

"Yup"

"Okay, why though?"

"Because Lou was screaming at you, you were on the verge of tears and very upset. It wasn't worth getting that upset over"

"I really appreciated it" I said jumping on him and giving him a huge hug. He groaned as my body landed on top of his. "Get off me knucklehead!" I did. "What's with the delayed reaction? I mean that was 7 years ago"

"What can I say, I'm a little slow, refrain from the nasty comments" I pouted at him. I love AJ, he really was my idol. I mean I looked up to all the guys but for some reason, to me AJ was the embodiment of cool. When he did stuff, I did the same stuff, sometimes it was good sometimes it was bad. I know after we had made that pact, where I wouldn't lose my temper for two weeks, I actually held up my end of the bargain. Whenever I was about to lose my cool all J would have to say would be "Niiick" In a slow warning tone, and I would stop. It was kind of amazing. Even my Mom couldn't do that to me. The other guys were my brothers looking out for me and I loved them all especially Brian but it was AJ who knew my darkest deepest secrets. He knew mine and I knew his.

J was also the one that helped me when it came to school work. We studied together after Brian finally graduated. At first it was always lonely little me while the two older guys got to be together. Even though I was very far behind AJ in studies, we ended up being tutored together by this awful girl named Rachel. She would get fed up with me because I was having a hard time reading. She would anxiously fidget in her seat while filing her nails, making a clicking sound out of frustration.

"Pay attention Nick!" I looked up at AJ, "Why? What made you say that?" He laughed.

"You were zoning out again, where do you go when that happens?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking about Rachel"

"Rachel?"

"Yeah our tutor don't you remember her?"

"Oh yeah that major slut? I remember her" I laughed, "SO you didn't like her much huh?"

"Did you?" He asked.

"Nope not really she was mean...very mean"

That woman should have never became a teacher. She was one of those teachers who used it to fall back on. Maybe she wanted to be a scientist, or maybe she was anticipating writing the next great novel, but no. She got stuck teaching two no good, ungrateful Backstreet Boys.
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~
"Nick, pay attention!" She slapped me, she actually slapped me on the hand. I sat up startled out of my daydream. AJ snickered behind the pages of his economics text book.

"Nikolas, did you even hear a word I just said to you?" I slowly shook my head.

"You have got to pay attention! How do you expect to get this down if you don't concentrate!" I held my head in my hands. "I'm sorry I just blanked out for a minute"

"I think you have a learning disability" I took my hands away from my eyes and just stared at her. "You what now?"

"You heard me Nikolas, you have a hard time reading and paying attention. Have you ever been tested? I mean are you slow?"

"No, I'm not slow, YOU'RE just boring!" I snarled at her.

"That was uncalled for Mr. Carter"

"Well, so was saying I'm slow Miss Rachel" Wow I could be so extremely sarcastic when I wanted to be!

AJ just silently listened in to the conversation grunting a muffled laugh here or there. It became almost a weekly ritual to argue with Rachel. Her getting so frustrated with me that she would totally say something inappropriate, followed by me saying something equally inappropriate. She was only a few years older than us, maybe twenty at the most. How did she get the job? Easy really...

"Well Nick? I'm waiting"

"For what?"

"An apology"

"pfffft" I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Don't pfffft at me sir, I demand an apology from you or I will have your mother on this phone so fast your head will spin" She would too. She did once before. Mom was not a very happy camper.

"Okay, I'm sorry for being a horrible student!"

"And?" She actually stood there tapping her toes at me, "And? What you want me to say more?"

"Yes I do!"

"Uh...okay..I won't do it again Miss Pearlman. I promise" Lou's niece gloated and I wanted to hit her with a spit ball so bad. I wadded a piece of paper up and put it in my mouth, "Niiiick" AJ said glaring at me behind his book. I spit it out into the garbage can.

After she gave me a huge amount of homework, she left. AJ got only one sheet to do, I got at least an hour a subject. Not fair. I hated school, or anything to do with school. I even hated apples because they could be associated with school. I hated it when I actually had to go to the big place where I found myself always a target of bullies, and I hated it now, that there is just two people in the classroom. You know how bad it is when there's only two kids in the class and your teacher plays favorites? It sucks! Especially when you are NOT the favorite.

I knew I was in trouble when our original teacher Mr. Bonham, had to leave. Lou was having a fit about having to hire someone to come to Europe with us, he had wanted our parents to foot the bill. My parents said no way and so did AJ's Mom. He was forced to hire out, he decided on Rachel, the third year college student who wanted to see the world. He let her come along and paid her for tutoring us, since she was in school for education, it counted. Lou always found loop holes in everything. So Miss Rachel Pearlman became our tutor.

She loved AJ almost instantly, he picked up things so much faster than me. I was jealous sometimes. I wished that I could read something just once and get it under my belt the way that he did. Brian used to have some trouble too but I think for him it was just an attention span thing. I knew I had problems, especially reading and math. I am bright, I mean you can tell me something, especially an obscure fact and I would be able to tell you the answer. I had a great memory, but when it came to reading no such luck! My comprehension sucks!

So to make my ever hard life even worse, I would have to sit on the tour bus, in the midst of laughter and playing and do my stupid homework. That's exactly what I found myself doing right now. Homework, as everyone else was enjoying a game of dominoes, I was stuck doing stupid math!

"Life is so unfair!" I grunted out loud from my position on the floor. I was laying on my stomach with pencil in my mouth trying to figure out not only what the property of Y was but also why the hell I would even care to know! I had a massive headache. Side effect from thinking too much and became down right miserable. To make matters worse, every time we hit a bump my book went flying. I got frustrated and flung my book across the room and stood up almost losing my balance before making my way to my bunk and burying my head behind the covers.

"Knock knock" I hated when they did that, just say hello not knock knock!

"Yeah?"

"Why did you throw your book across the floor?"

"Because I hate it"

"Oh, of course, that is the only logical explanation" AJ opened the curtain, my only 'escape' from everyone else and hopped up into my private area. "Seriously Kaos, what's going on? I can help you know"

"I know but I don't want your help"

"Why?"

"Because, then you would go and brag to Rachel, Hey Rachel I helped that idiot Nick with his math" He thought it was funny but I wasn't laughing, "It's not funny! She hates me, she thinks I am stupid"

"Who cares what the hell she thinks? She's just a no good skank!"

"She's right"

"About what?"

"About me being stupid" I rolled over to face AJ, "I'm an idiot"

"No you're not"

"Yes I am, you even say so yourself, I mean you call me dumbass every chance you get"

"Nick, come on, I'm only teasing you. You have to learn how to take a joke"

"I don't think it's funny"

"Apparently you don't, so I won't call you that anymore okay?"

"Okay"

"Now, what is going on with you man? You are really starting to worry all of us, your tantrums, crying, pouting, what's going on?" I wanted to cry again just at the mention of it. I am a fifteen year old male. How many fifteen year old males cry at the drop of a hat? I wasn't like any other fifteen year old male though, I was a star! eeeww sounds so great, but I was also a star who was so dumb that he didn't even realize that he was being taken advantage of, a star who is also an idiot. Complete and total idiot. I rolled back to my normal position away from AJ. He still sat there.

"It's hard for me too you know, I hate this sometimes" I turned around again, "You do?" I looked at AJ and for the first time I saw someone as sad as me. I sat up letting him all the way inside my bunk. "Yes of course I do. The touring, the crowds, the fame and the stupid tutors? You think I enjoy it?" I didn't say anything because I didn't think he wanted an answer. "This is a tough life Nick, that's why we need to stick together" He looked so solemn, I forgot about my feelings and focused on him.

"Don't you wish it was all a dream and when you wake up you are in your bed at home in Florida and you get to say what a crazy dream I had?" He looked up at me and smiled, but I saw the tears, not forming on his eyes like mine always seemed to do, his were deeper, tears that were stored in the crevices of his heart.

"Yeah I do" I whispered, taking all he was saying as if it were an epic movie. "I hate Lou too!" He said as he gave me a look. I turned my eyes away from him. "He's a jerk sometimes" He continued.

"I don't even know why I'm doing this" I confessed to him, "I think I'm doing it for my parents, they really need the money" Wow after saying that I understood how true it was. He was facing me sitting pretzel style holding one of my pillows on his lap.

"Well I know why I'm doing it, I'm showing my no good father that I amounted to something, when I make millions, he will come crawling on his hands and knees begging and you know what I'm gonna do Nick?" I shook my head, "I'm gonna slam the door in his big stupid face!" I laughed and slapped him five. I sighed, "J? Do you think any of us are really doing this cause we want to?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I think they all are"

"So, does that make us odd? You know, don't get me wrong, I love performing, but I am tired. I'm fifteen years old. Too young to be so tired."

"I am too kiddo, I am too" We both sat there in silence while laughter played on our bandmates lips from the main room, the two young troubled children sat and contemplated life. And death...

"I tried to kill myself once" J said in the middle of a yawn. My eyes grew wide with freight. "You did?" I found myself drawing closer to him.

"Yes, when I was about your age. I felt like my life was going nowhere fast. I was lonely, depressed and sad. So incredibly sad, I took some pills" I gasped, "AJ, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't"

"When? Where were we?" He put his hand up to make me stop asking questions, "Relax, like I said it was a little over two years ago, I was at home, we were still rehearsing, just starting out and I was sad. Angry, emotional, crying all the time" Oh my gosh, it dawned on me right there, "Do you think I am gonna try to kill myself?" He slowly lowered his head down even with my eyes. "Well are you?" I gasped again!

"I most certainly would NOT!"

"Good" He let out a sigh.

"I would never do that AJ"

"Well, then you promise me that if you are ever feeling THAT bad, that you will come and tell me okay?" He reached over and grabbed my arms almost ready to shake me.

"Promise, Kaos!"

"I promise"

"Okay because you are always sad, so I want you to promise me and really mean it"

"I do, I promise"

"Good, and don't tell anyone what I told you"

"No one knows? Not even Howie?" I felt special because he was entrusting me with such a deep dark secret.

"No, no one knows. I'd like to keep it that way" We shook on it.

"Here," he said as he handed me my math book, "You need to get back to work" I grabbed it from him and rolled my eyes. He laughed.

I was left alone in my bunk with what J said lingering in my mind. I thought it would all be so different. I thought it would all be just like the movies....