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My stomach was totally turning inside out now. It's so funny how just the thought of those days, my stomach could go back to that place. I moved to the wall and placed my back against it holding my stomach with both hands, I started to breath deeply. Yoga has helped me keep control of my emotions, wrap them up in a ball and throw them out of my body. I took big breaths calming myself down. Trying my best to erase the little me from my mind. The me who had one too many of these attacks. Culminating on one night on stage in Germany. Forced to go out feeling like death. Both mentally and physically.

"Nick..are you still in there?" I opened my eyes briefly to stare at the door. "Yes, Kevin where else would I be?"

"Are you almost done?" I took in a deep breath with my eyes closed. "Almost, give me a second or two"

"Yeah or fifty" AJ yelled from behind Kevin. I closed my eyes again, thinking back to that night, the night when I needed my Mom and Dad the most, the first night of many to come where they would be conveniently absent. My friends were there though, without them I have NO idea what I would've done. No idea...

~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Nick are you in there?" Kevin asked timidly when I failed to turn up in the length of time he felt would be appropriate for dressing. "Yeah I'm here, give me a second okay?"

"Do you need any help?"

"No. I'll be out in a second"

"Okay" I stood up, pulling myself together as best as I could and opened the stall door. Not only was Kevin in there waiting for me but Howie, Brian and AJ were all there in the bathroom. I didn't even hear them come in. I walked past them and washed my hands. Kevin put his arm around me, "Listen kiddo, if you feel the least bit sick like you are gonna puke or pass out you just run off the stage or sit down in your place, okay?"

"Kay" I said splashing cool water on my face. I looked up at Howie as a last attempt at freedom,"D..did my Mom call while I was in here?"

"No, I'm sorry little guy"

"Can I borrow your phone again? Maybe I'll try her one more time"

"Sure thing" We all walked out of the men's room and ventured back to the green room. Howie handed me his phone. I smiled and sat down once again dialing my parent's house.

"Hello?"

"Hi Mom"

"Oh, hi Nikolas...I thought you'd be on stage by now"

"Mom, I really don't feel well. Can't you tell Lou to not make me perform please?" I choked back tears. "Oh Nick, don't be silly. It's just an hour of performing at the most. You can do it. Just suck it up and take one for the team." I started to feel very self conscious when I noticed all the guys just staring at me on the phone. I tried to look away, "But Mom. It's really bad. I have been throwing up all day and I have a fever."

"Nikolas Gene, I am sure that if you were really that sick, Lou wouldn't make you get on the stage."

"I am and he is"

"Look kiddo, I love you but I gotta go. If you don't feel better by tomorrow I will call him again okay?"

"Mom please" Now I was desperate crying like a little child. She hung up. I just held the phone in my hand and cried. Brian gently grabbed it away from me and hugged me. I heard Brian whisper to Kevin "He is really sick" I was. I don't remember a time when I felt this bad. I felt my body shivering and temperature rising. If I had to guess, which I did have to do because there was NO thermometer anywhere, I would say I was running at least a temp of 102 or even higher. At least that's how it felt. They all new it too. I was sick as sick could be.

"Guys you are on in ten minutes" The stage hand directed us. I went and lied down on the couch. The guys really looked at a loss for words when it came to saying something that would make me feel better. So they didn't they just stood around. Kevin made sure that all the tech people and crew knew how sick I was and they had strategically placed buckets everywhere in case I needed to vomit. Then we went on.

From the first chorus of the first song I felt ill. The heat of the lights just making everything worse. The screaming giving me such a pounding headache. I yelled at them all to shut the hell up a few times but luckily they were so caught up in their own screaming, that none of them heard me. After every song the four of them would lay their eyes on me making sure I was still with them. I managed to smile through the first two songs but that is when the vomiting came. It came hard and violent and I almost didn't make it to the nearest bucket. I got there just in time. Brian saw me run and he followed after me. "God, Nick are you okay?" I couldn't even answer him. I had no voice. I felt the need to brush my teeth but luckily I came prepared and stuck a mint in my mouth.

The rest of the set was like that, me running back stage puking while sucking on mints. Towards the end of the night it was getting harder and harder to run. So I just strolled to the edge of the stage to puke my guts out. I was so dizzy and hot I had sweat pouring down my face. The stage hands kept giving me towels and quickly they would be dripping with perspiration. I resorted to throwing cold bottles of water on my self to cool down, only to get the shivers as a result. By the second to last song of the set, I began to cry. I sat on the stage and cried, not full on crying just enough so that I knew but no one else. My little secret played out in front of thousands of screaming girls who didn't have a clue. They would go home and say how great the show was! How hot I looked, never having any idea what kind of living hell I was going through.

The end of the last song we bowed and I had a hard time getting back up. Luckily Brian noticed and helped me stand up straight. "Almost done buddy" He whispered to me. We walked off the stage to a grinning Lou and associates, I passed them and headed for the bucket. Puking only yards away from where he was doling out praise.

"What's the matter, is he sick?" I heard him ask. I couldn't help it I laughed. "Yes, Lou he is sick remember him begging you to not have to perform?" Howie said giving Lou some attitude. Way to go D! I stood up but the whole room was spinning. I grabbed for anything I could to get my balance. That happened to be Kevin. He grasped on to me, "Hold on buddy" I remember saying his name and that's about it. "Kevin I..."

I woke up with a damp cold towel on my forehead and Kevin sitting next to me in a chair, I was on the couch in the dressing room. He was pushing my hair out of my eyes. "Guys he's waking up" He called to the rest of the boys who weren't that far away. "Hey little man, that was quite a scare you gave us" By the time he was done with the statement, AJ and Brian had joined Kevin right by my side.

"What happened?" I asked looking from one guy to the other. "You blacked out on us right after the show. You said Kev's name and then that was that" Brian answered trying to hand me a glass of water. I grabbed for it but my hands were still a little too shaky. So Kev took it and put it to my lips. I took a few sips and then pulled away letting the water dribble down the front of the blanket that was draped around me.

"I bet Lou is mad at me now huh?"

"No, he isn't mad Nick. Nobody's mad at you, now close your eyes and go to sleep. You need your rest."

"The doctor will be here in a few minutes" Howie reported as he walked in the door. "How is he?" He walked closer to see if I was awake and a smile came to his face when I looked up at him. "Well howdy partner"

"Oh God D, don't go all cowboy on me now!"

"Yup, I think he's gonna be just fine" J said. "Nicky, Lou is calling your Mom right now okay?" That made me mad. "I don't want her to know, she won't care" I said feeling tears forming in the corners of my eyes again.

"Of course she will care" Brian said his voice warm and gentle. "No, she won't she will only wonder why I am not at the after party! I am just a paycheck to her that's all." I verbalized it. I felt it all along but I actually said it out loud. It sounded right, like something everyone already knew but me. It still hurt though. After I said that Kevin caressed my hair once again. HE knew I was right. Poor me. Last thing I really wanted was pity. I wanted love. At the moment, they were giving it to me. You know how baby chicks and geese, when they are first born, the first thing they come in contact with that shows them love they automatically imprint them as their parents, whether it be another goose or a dog or a person. Even a vacuum cleaner? Well, that is what happened to me when I woke up from passing out cold in Germany after that concert from hell. I awoke not to find my Mom or Dad, but my band brothers at my side. Giving me the love that I so desperately needed.

"Everything will be okay little bro, you will see. Maybe your Mom will come out to visit now" Kevin gave AJ a hush sign. The last thing they wanted to do was build me up for a visit that they knew would never happen. "Doesn't matter, I know I will be okay. I have you guys" I smiled at them. Howie felt my forehead again, "Boy I think this kid is really sick. He just said something nice" I rolled my eyes making them all laugh.