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I finally managed to get the nasty pain in my stomach to go away, it's funny how those early days, though fun in many ways, brought back so many horrible memories. I was right you know, my Mom never did come to see me after I got sick in Germany. She called and acted concerned. I think she was concerned, but she had too many kids at home to abandon to come and hold my hand. I think those were her exact words. I have come to understand my Mom and how she works but that has taken a long time including a brief period of time when I wouldn't even speak to her. We have always had a turbulent relationship but I never realized it fully, until I was very far away from her. It's the other guys that really made me understand how truly un-mother like Jane could be. All it took was seeing some of them with their parents. Shortly after I got very sick, Brian's Mom came out to visit. I was incredibly happy for him but also extremely jealous...
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I sat in the back of the bus watching a video while in the main living area, The other guys were laughing it up with Mrs. Littrell. She came in early this morning for a surprise visit. She missed Brian and okayed it with Lou to come and join us for a few days. I had only met her a few times but I knew enough about his family to basically be able to move in and assume the role of son # 3. I have never seen Brian so happy as I did when that woman walked in to our tour bus with packages upon packages in her hand for her son. He did a back flip and flew into her arms, quickly followed by Kevin. I listened to her as she told us stories about Brian and Kevin as children. Such heart warming cute little stories that I have to admit were beginning to make me a little nauseous. So I excused myself and headed to the back of the bus, which is where I had been hiding ever since. I knew it probably looked rude of me to not stay and listen but I needed to get out of there. Seeing what Brian had, made me realize what I didn't have.

Brian walked into the room and joined me on the couch. He sat next to me, "I don't blame you for leaving, I know those stories tend to be boring" I looked over at him. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't, only shrugged. "Is there something you want to talk about?" He asked me when I didn't even bother to answer him. "No, I'm okay just a little tired" I kept my eyes on the screen. I knew all Brian had to do was look me in the eyes to see my true feelings. That's how close we were. "Okay, If your sure" He got up to leave, "I just wanted to say that I will be staying with my Mom in the hotel for the next three days so you can have my bunk. I know you think it's more comfortable than yours"

"All of your bunks are more comfortable than mine" I said still refusing to look up at him. "Okay..well. Bye then" He said kind of huffy, "Bye" He walked out, leaving me mad. Not at him really. Mad at her. My Mom.

I listened as Mrs. Littrell said good-bye to all the guys one by one until finally peeking her head into my hiding spot. "See you later Nicky! I would love for you to join Brian and I for dinner tomorrow night." I smiled up at her, "Okay sure I would like that" She winked at me and left. I had no intention of really going out with them. I would make up some excuse later, but for the moment at least, I was happy that she was gone.

I know it was so petty and small of me to be so incredibly jealous, but I was. It wasn't fair how easily other people's families were able to come out to visit, but not mine. I of course found myself on the phone with my Mom shortly after Brian and his Mom left for the hotel. I went and grabbed Howie's phone without even bothering to ask him if it was okay. I was on a mission.

"Hello"

"Hi Mom"

"Oh Nick! Hey baby. How are you?"

"I'm fine. I was wondering when do you think you'll be able to come out and visit?"

She let out a long frustrated sigh. "Oh honey, not this again. Didn't we just go through this the other day? I can't come out now baby"

"Why?"

"Because, I just can't okay?"

"Brian's Mom is here"

"Good for Brian's Mom but she doesn't have any small kids at home to worry about." She was always going back to the small kids at home excuse. "I have a feeling even if she did have small kids at home, she would still find a way to be here"

"Did you call just to make me feel bad Nickolas? Because if you did, congratulations it's working." I rolled my eyes at the phone. I wanted to hang up on her, but that would have been a BIG mistake. My mother could hold grudges for a very long time. "What about Dad?" She was getting really angry I could tell by the loud breathing on the other end of the line. She was probably pacing back and forth only as far as the phone cord would allow her to. "Dad is with Aaron"

"Can't you send the other kids off with Dad and Aaron and then you could come here"

"It's not that easy baby. Don't you think I want to come? I would love to be there with you. I just can't get there. You are a grown boy you should understand!" I didn't understand. I don't think I will ever understand. "But Mom.."

"No, Nick. That's all, I will NOT have you upset me like this. I have to go, BJ and Leslie are fighting."

"Okay, I'm sorry Mom tell everyone I said I love them okay?"

"Okay love you too!" And she hung up on me. I closed my eyes before placing the phone back in Howie's bunk.

"She's not coming huh?" AJ said startling me and making me jump back. He laughed at my reaction. "Sorry didn't mean for you to crap your pants!" I ignored him and went to Brian's bunk. I felt like being alone. That's all I ever felt like these days. Of course he followed me, "You know Kaos, I know she would want to come out but you have like a gaggle of sisters that she has to take care of. I wish my Mom could be here more often too" I turned to face him, was he kidding me? "AJ your Mom is always here! Christ she should just join the group!"

"Easy man! I know you're upset but that was totally uncalled for. You are not the only person who wished their family were here so stop acting like it" He was right I was being a jerk but before I could apologize he was gone. So, I turned and went to my new bunk and took a nap.

By the time I awoke from my nap, I was in a little better mood. I joined the rest of the guys in the back and plopped on the couch. They were in the middle of a movie, "What are you guys watching?" I asked more to get a read on the pissed at Nick-o-meter. "It's Amityville Horror" Howie said seeming not really interested in what he was watching. "Ew, that's a scary ass movie" I hated that movie, but there was nothing better to do, so I watched it. With my eyes closed. "So, why were you so rude to Aunt Jackie?" Kevin asked me as the credits rolled unread on the screen. "I didn't think I was rude"

"I know, you never think you are rude, but walking out mid story was pretty rude Nick"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to her" Kevin walked out of the room. "Do we have anything tonight?" I asked AJ just to break the tension that Kevin's exit left in the air.
"A small concert for some charity thing"

"Oh"

"Yeah I'm not sure what time it happens, I'm sure Kevin does though" He laughed under his breath. "AJ, I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean it" He gave me a look, "I know, you were just being a bonehead that's all" I laughed. "Don't worry kid, your Mom will come out soon. Then you'll be begging her to leave."

"She won't ever come out here AJ. She doesn't have the money, the time or the interest." He gave me a sympathetic look. He didn't tell me not to be stupid though. It's funny, none of them ever did when it came to my Mom. I think they all realized that everything that came out of my mouth was the truth. "I'm sorry buddy. We'll be home soon enough" I nodded. Not really feeling any better but learning to live with it.

I decided to draw, it helped sometimes to draw. I noticed ever since my run in with Sheila, my drawings had all turned darker and more sinister looking. This one was no different. I found myself drawing my family. How I saw them. I gave my Dad really broad shoulders since he seemed to carry the family on his back. So laid back and gentle, I sometimes wondered how my Dad was able to put up with my Mom. I always feared he might find someone better one day and leave us all behind. He would never do that to us though. My sister Angel was next, I gave her a little halo to coincide with her name, even though her demeanor was far from angelic. She inherited my temper unfortunately. Aaron was on her left holding her hand. They were inseparable. I wonder how she felt not being able to be around my brother. It must have been hard for her. In his right hand, he held a big microphone. So big it was drooping at his side. He was too young to be on stage. Way too young, just like me. Behind the twins were my other two sisters Leslie and BJ. Both decked out in bright fluorescent colors to show their personalities. They were bright and happy people. For now anyway. I used to be too. I placed my Mom on a pedestal above the rest of the family holding her hands across her chest looking down on them. That was Mom always watching like a hawk. I put my self off in the top right hand corner of the page. I made myself really small, almost invisible. I was holding a sign, kind of like the signs that our fans held for us, the ones that said I love Nick or AJ's a sexy beast!

The sign in my picture was short and simple. It read HEY I'M OVER HERE!!! Underneath the drawing, I wrote the Carter's. Under my self portrait, I placed in very small letters, sometimes I feel like I've never been born. How depressing am I? Wow I really do this teenager angsty stuff quite well don't I? I held my picture up to get a good look at it. "Whatcha got there?" I quickly moved it back down at my side. "Aw it's nothing Howie, just a picture" He smiled, "Can I see?" He asked trying to take it out of my hands. I pulled it away. "It's kind of personal" I said. "Okay" He walked away. I put it back in my bunk and thought all was forgotten until later that night after out concert.

"Hey Nicky phone call" Howie screamed from the front of the bus. I ran towards him, "It's your Mom" I nodded and grabbed the phone. "Hi Mom"

"Nick why did you feel it necessary to have one of your friends call me? Is it not bad enough that YOU call me and make me feel awful about not being able to come? Now you have Kevin do it too?" I had NO idea what she was talking about but I could tell that Howie did because once he saw the look on my face he booked it towards the back of the bus. I turned back to my Mother, "Mom I swear I didn't tell him to call. I had no idea he called you." She sounded like she had been crying, "Nick, you know I love you right?" No, Mom I don't. "Sure I do, Of course why would you even ask that?"

"Because Kevin seems to think you feel like you are neglected" I wasn't prepared for this phone call. "I know you love me Mom. I know you try your hardest. I do" Now Kevin was standing there listening to our conversation, a look of regret across his face. I wanted to go and beat him senseless, or hug him. One or the other. That's how mixed up I was about the whole situation. She WAS crying I heard her sniffling. "Aw, Mom please don't cry. I just miss you a lot that's all"

"I miss you too baby and as soon as I can I will get out there okay?"

"Okay. I'm really sorry" I gave Kevin a look, "Kevin had NO right calling you behind my back" He had No right but I'm glad he did. I really am.

"Yes, you are right about that" She huffed. Yup, it's official, My Mom hated Kevin, and probably will forever. Like I said she can hold a grudge. "I love you Momma"

"I love you too Nick and I MEAN it I do. With all of my heart" When we got off the phone Kevin was still standing there. I looked over at him. Not really sure what to say to the guy. "I'm sorry Nick, I was just concerned so I called her. I didn't mean for it to cause more friction between the two of you"

"Why were so concerned?" He sat down and motioned for me to sit next to him, "I saw your drawing" I shook my head in disgust. "That was private property Kevin"

"I know but Howie wanted me to see it"

"Howie shouldn't have seen it either"

"I know but after AJ saw it he brought it to Howie" I laughed. "AJ shouldn't have seen it either!"

"We were just concerned" I just sat staring at him. "I know. Thanks" I got up to walk away. "You know Nick, she does love you" I stopped and didn't say I know, just smiled at his attempt to make me feel better.

The next day brought a phone call from Brian wondering if I wanted to have breakfast with him and his Mom. I really didn't want to. I knew it would just make me feel worse, so I made up an excuse saying my stomach still hurt. Kevin joined them instead. After Kevin left I wandered over to AJ, "Hey! What gave you the right to go through my personal property?"

"I was just curious"

"Well, curiosity killed the cat!" I don't even know where that saying came from. It just seemed to fit here, so I used it. He gave me a look like I was crazy. "Sometime I don't get you Nick! What goes on in that little head of yours. I'm sorry for going through your things, but I WILL do it again if I feel the need!" What was he my Dad or something?

"Maybe I should go through your stuff AJ!" He gave me an I dare you too kind of look. "Howie said it seemed like you were hiding something, so I thought I'd investigate"

"I wasn't hiding anything J, just expressing my feelings that's all"

"You know, you should have gone out with Brian and his Mom"

"That wouldn't have helped"

"Wouldn't have hurt either"

"Yes, it would have" I sounded so pathetic. He pat my back. Truthfully, I kind of wished I had gone out with them. Ah well.

They brought me back a doggie bag. They brought us all back something. Mrs. Littrell looked on lovingly as we ate the food they brought us, It was very nice of them to think of us. I couldn't help but notice that her eyes always fixated back to me. She placed her hand on top of my own and I smiled at her. "Hey sweetie, would you like to come back to the hotel with Brian and I tonight?"

"Oh no, I wouldn't want to interfere"

"I wouldn't invite you if I didn't want you there. What do you say?" I looked over to Brian to see if he had any problem with it. The smile on his face told me that he wanted me to be there. "Okay" I said hesitantly.

I'm so glad I decided to go because I had such a great time, we played cards and ate ice cream. I was jealous and uncomfortable for the first few hours just looking at the clock wondering when I could go to sleep. Mrs. Littrell helped me get over that really quickly by including me in every conversation. She was asking me about my life, my dreams and most importantly, it seemed like she was really interested. We all talked the night away. When Mom Littrell, as she asked me to call her, went to sleep, Brian and I stayed up playing UNO and talking.

"So, did you have a good time?" Bri asked me peering over his twelve cards he was holding. "Yes, I did" I said throwing down a draw four card. "Oh that hurt! Nick I'm wounded!" I laughed.

"Thanks for inviting me" He winked at me. "Hey who do you think you are Howie?"

"Shhh, not so loud your gonna wake up Mom" he paused for a minute just watching her sleep soundly, "I don't want her to leave tomorrow"

"I know, I'm sorry Brian, but I'm glad you got to see her, I really am" And I was. I loved seeing Brian so happy.

He wasn't happy when it was time for his Mom to leave though, she came over to me and slipped a note in my pocket. She then hugged Brian for so long that I thought security would have to come and break it up. When she left Brian was blue, so he and Kevin went off somewhere to talk.

I felt the paper in my pocket, took it out and read it.

Dear Nick,

I hope you realize how important you are to my son.
You have obviously touched his life in more ways than you
could ever imagine. Because of that I love you! Think of me as your
other Mom and know that I am here if you EVER need me for anything.
I know your Mom loves you and cares about you, but there can NEVER be too many Moms. Take care sweetheart!

Much Love,

Mom Littrell

I'm sure Kevin had managed to tell her about my little self portrait, but I didn't care. I was so happy when I read that. I never did call her but it was nice to know that she was there if I ever needed to. Deep down I knew my own Mother was there too. I just needed proof sometimes, that's all...