"What's wrong?" Kevin whispered to me, just like he did all those years ago. I never looked away from the window, "You remember Germany?" I asked him. He didn't answer, but the shift I saw his body take, was as clear as a firm yes.
"Why are you letting your mind go back there?" He asked, the guys laughing in the background, not listening to what we were saying. It appeared that Brian had walked in. I hadn't even noticed. I was to absorbed in my memories.
"I don't know" I answered. "It has just come running back to me, all of it"
"Maybe that's what you need" He said gently placing his hand on my shoulder, just like he did back then. Funny really, all the time that had passed, yet, here we were, living almost parallel existence's.
That night after the horrid interview, we went to the after party. I really would have just preferred going back to the hotel, but we had to smile for the reporters and act like we were the happiest kids in the universe. I learned about masks then, from the main chameleon of us all AJ.
He could be so down that it was scary sometimes. If I thought I had my moody times, it was nothing compared to him. Sometimes he would roll himself into a little ball and cry his eyes out about something, usually having to do with his love life or home, and not ten minutes later, he could wipe all those emotions away and paste on a happy smile as if his world was not falling apart.
Those masks caught up to him eventually, almost got me too.
I first tried on my mask that day when I went to that after party. I was already so sad, I wanted to just fall to the floor and cry. I couldn't though, so I took a deep breath and walked out of that bathroom with Kevin, mask firmly in place. Little did I know that the mask I chose was made of porcelain and would eventually break into a billion pieces...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*
We walked down this huge hallway lined with photographers from every magazine you could think of in Germany, they snapped so many pictures of me that I couldn't even see straight anymore. All I saw were little white dots, little white dots and hearing my name screamed from all directions. It was like a zoo, and we were the main attraction.
People poking and prodding me all the way down the long hallway from hell.
Finally the hallway dumped us into a huge room filled with food and alcohol, and even more annoying photographers and press people. Before I could even get my bearings, Lou came up behind me, "Go mingle" He said, literally pushing me into the crowd. It swallowed me whole.
I instantly looked for any of the guys, but just like me, they disappeared into the abyss. Then I ran into her again, standing right in front of me, blocking my view. Sheila.
"Hello Nick how are you doing honey?" she asked me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I felt so small.
"I'm looking for my friends" I said trying to rush past her, but I was soon stopped by the host of the show.
"Hey! There you are, good job today very good job. I see you have met Sheila" He said acknowledging her with a wink and a smile.
"Yes" I answered not making eye contact at all.
"Sorry about the question, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable" She said, "Clause thought it would be a good idea, to throw it in there, you know, stir up the pot" I looked at the host, "It was your idea for her to ask me that?" I asked him, He looked unaffected by my anger. "Yes we need to keep things interesting" He then bent over me and kissed Sheila on the lips, "Thanks honey, I'm gonna go greet some more people, I'll see you at home" He said to the woman.
"See you at home?" I asked her.
"Yes silly, Clause is my husband"
"Your husband?" I asked still thinking I wasn't hearing right. She laughed.
"Yes, my husband, don't worry, he knows about our little fling"
"Little fling?" I repeated raising my voice just a little more.
"Nick please you must keep your voice down honey"
I was loosing it, and Kevin seeing my face flushed with anger made his way next to me, "Hey little man what's the problem buddy? Hello" He said to Sheila.
"What's the problem?" I asked him.
"He seems to keep repeating everything like a sexy little parrot" She said to Kevin flirting with him, while her husband was only about a foot away.
"Sexy little parrot?"
"See, he did it again, well I must be going" She said and as she bent over to give me a kiss on the cheek, I recoiled from her as if she was made of venom. This brought about another laugh, "Lighten up Nick really relax you are to young to be so serious" With that being said she walked away.
"Lighten up?" I repeated once again. Kevin thought that was amusing, but I was ready to explode. I needed to get out of there. I started walking to the door, "Where are you going?" Lou said stepping in front of me.
"I need some air"
"You can breathe later. Mingle now" He said.
"But Lou.."
"No buts Nick, please, this party is for you son, enjoy yourself, drink it all in"
I WAS drinking it all in and drowning in the process.
I stood there in a corner of this huge room, crowded with people who knew me only as a popstar, and I lost it. I had my arms wrapped around me to try to hide myself from the onlookers. People who passed me, said "aw, how cute", or "I heard he is a virgin", or "do you think he does drugs?" or, "How could his mother get him into this business?" They would talk about me, as if I wasn't there, had no feelings. But I did. And it hurt like hell.
The others seemed unphased by it all. Maybe they were better at masking it than I was. I felt a tear run down my cheek. Great, I was crying now, super! Oh yeah, I would do just fine in this business. What the hell is wrong with you Carter?
I caught his eye from across the room once again, Kevin, the ultimate mind reader. He was talking to a bunch of people but when he saw the anxious expression on my face, he excused himself and came over to me. I tried to turn my face into the wall so he wouldn't be able to tell I was crying, but it was no use.
"Nick, what is the matter?" He asked me gently putting his hand on my shoulder.
"I need to leave Kevin" I said, scared of the shakiness I heard in my voice. I sounded like I had been left in a freezer, that's how bad I was stuttering. He pulled my chin in towards his warm green eyes, "Okay buddy, I'll make an excuse for us to leave okay?"
"Okay, but Lou won't let us"
"Sure he will, when he sees how upset you are, he'll let us leave, excuse me a minute while I go find him" Poor Kevin I knew already that Lou couldn't care less, I think Kevin was not as untrusting, he probably believed in Santa until he was 12 or something. I knew he would come back and say that Lou said no, I just had to wait.
While I did, I heard more people discussing me. Two girls who were standing about three feet away from me, talking about last night. "Yeah I heard he was such a little jerk, he didn't even sign an autograph or anything"
"He can't afford to be rude, not in this business"
"Yeah I know what you mean, tomorrow he might be working at a Mc Donald's somewhere" They both laughed.
I closed my eyes then, I sat down against the wall and shut my eyes. People and music all around me, people probably taking my picture but not coming over to help. Coldness everywhere. That is the business I have become a part of. AJ and Brian had made there way over to me, "are you okay Kaos?" Brian asked me, squatting down next to me. I didn't answer him, I didn't want to break down. Not here. Not now.
They just stood there looking at me, until Kevin came over.
"Come on kiddo, let's go back to the hotel" He said giving me a hand to get up, "Is he alright? Kevin what's going on?" Brian demanded to know.
"It's nothing. Kaos here doesn't feel well so I am taking him back to the hotel" I'm not sure why Kevin lied for me right then, but I was grateful.
"Lou said we can go?" I asked as we walked out the door.
"No, but we're leaving anyway"
When we got to the hotel I barely spoke, just put on my pajamas and rolled myself into one of those AJ balls of grief. I was so sad I was shaking. Kevin didn't press, he only sat next to me telling me everything would be okay.
Finally over some hot tea, about an hour later I spilled my guts about everything, about home, about Sheila, about how empty I felt, how alone and scared I was. He didn't offer me advice. He felt the same way I think, he only offered me his understanding. That and a warm hug, a few of them in fact.
We never spoke about it again, he promised he wouldn't tell a soul. It was like the night never existed at all. Nobody asked about why I left, how I felt or anything, even Lou didn't bring it up. Life just went on as always.
For me though, it always will exist as my lonely and lowest place. A place that I would visit from time to time.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hrmm I may have plagerized myself lmao
