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So many bad things happened in Germany the first time we ever dared to cross the Atlantic and travel overseas. I left a boy I came back a man. True I was still only fifteen but, I was changed. Forever hardened to my feelings and other people's actions. It's sad actually. Many things happened after my breakdown that night, for one thing, Kevin NEVER left me alone with Lou ever again. He promised not to say anything about Sheila and the photoshoot I was sent on, but he really wanted too. Instead he promised he would always be within arms reach of me, to pull me out if things were getting to rough, now as a 23 year old man, he still does that from time to time.

The second thing that came about as a result of my little breakdown was learning how to say no. It was hard, and at times it still is, but when things are getting too overwhelming, I step back and say NO! At the top of my lungs. I don't care if a thousand people hear me and think I'm a freak. It's not about them, it's about me.

I also learned not to trust. That unfortunately has also stuck with me. All of us suffer from that one equally.

Brian came over and gave me a friendly hug, which pulled me out of my thoughts once again. I looked over to him and smiled. "Were you daydreaming?" He asked me, looking a little confused by my facial expressions possibly.

"Don't worry about it B, he has been doing that all night" AJ said grabbing Kevin's camcorder and walking around us like he was a reporter, "So tell me Mr. Carter, if there is one thing you have learned from being a Backstreet Boy what has it been?" I think about what I could possibly say, that could be witty, yet funny, but I am at a loss for words so I borrow, words of wisdom that my father said to me on one lonely phone call right before heading back home.
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"But Dad..."

"Nick, everything will be fine son"

"You don't understand, I think I hate doing this" And I did, with all my heart. Two days had gone by since Kevin had seen me at my lowest point. I was so embarrassed I wouldn't even make eye contact with him. News of my treatment of the two girls who so graciously broke into my hotel room, had spread and I was quickly developing a reputation of not only being the stupidest Backstreet Boy but now also the meanest one.

No one seemed to care that the girls were trespassing on my property and that they essentially broke into my room. All that mattered was that I refused to sign anything and was a coward. They were interviewed on TV and they mentioned that I was up on my bed almost crying from fear.

If that wasn't bad enough, the girl who I, in a moment of sheer stupidity and panic, slapped when Brian and I were almost mobbed in the elevator, had also come forward telling people about my cruel and unusual treatment of her. I hit her hand big deal, she wanted to rip my hair out of my head.

But those two stories were enough to send Lou and the folks at Trans Con into a tizzy! Lou insisted I apologize publicly for my behavior. That sent me to the phone to call my Dad. I knew that if I had a chance with anyone, it would be him.

"But did you do those things son?"

"Yes but she broke into my room Dad, she could have been a murderer"

"True, but you have to realize that now that you are famous.."

"I don't want to be famous" There was a pause on the other end of the line. I could tell my Dad was letting what I just said sink in.

"What do you want me to do Nick?"

"I want you to let me come home" Another pause, this time accompanied by a sigh. I fidgeted with the phone cord, twisting it in my hand over and over again.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" He asked. I felt anxious. It had come. The moment of choice. I loved the guys, I loved to sing, I loved being a Backstreet Boy but I hated the fame, I hated the spotlight, I hated the people that came with it. Was it gonna really be this easy to bail out? Was saying yes to that question, all I had to do, to get on with a normal life? Did I want a normal life?

"Son? are you there?"

"Yeah Dad, I'm sorry I was thinking"

"Oh, I thought I felt the ground shake"

"Haha very funny dad"

"So? Are you really that miserable? Because if you are then I could talk to your mother and maybe we could get you on a plane home tonight"

"Well, we are leaving in three days, so that wouldn't be necessary"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"Okay now I need you to tell me Nick, what do you want? Because if you want to leave the group, your Mom and I are gonna have to really get together with Mr. Pearlman. There would be contracts to break and money to talk about"

"I don't know Dad, it's just hard, harder than I thought it would be"

"Of course it's hard. Nick you are in one of the toughest professions there is, it's gonna get harder too" I closed my eyes, wishing that he was sitting right across from me so he could have his hand wrapped in mine. Just like he always did when we had a serious discussion.

"I don't know what to do Dad" I said, finally realizing there was no easy answer to this question.

"Answer me this than" He said, "Do you enjoy doing what you are doing?"

"Yes"

"Do you enjoy being with the other four guys?"

"Most of the time, yes. But I miss you guys"

"I know, we miss you too, but you can't throw away a whole opportunity because you're a little homesick"

"I'm confused"

"I know that Nick but listen to me, if you want us to pull you out, than we will. Mom will be angry as all get out, but she loves you and she will do whatever she feels is best for you. This is a grown up decision I am asking you to make"

"But I'm not a grown up, why is everybody making me grow up?" Tears started to brim in his eyes as he realized that he wanted to be Peter Pan forever carefree and young.

"Because that's the way it is Nick" I listened to my father's simple answer to a question that would nag at me forever and a day, "That's the way it is"

"So than what are you saying Dad?"

"I am saying, you need to do what you feel is right. You love what you are doing, you love who you are doing it with, then all of the bad things that happen are just stepping stones." He was right.

"Okay Dad, I guess I want to stick it out then"

"Are you sure Nick?" I hesitated. Almost changed my mind again, wanted to cry out no please let me come home and be ordinary. I don't think I could ever do ordinary though.

"Yes I'm sure"

"Good, you are making the right decision son, believe me, you won't regret it."

"I hope you are right Dad"

"I am"

So we hung up the phone and I sat there and said over and over again, my dad's words. That's just the way it is.

I said them just before I got on TV on a live interview and apologized to the girls who had no business interfering in my life. That's just the way it is Nick. I said it to myself as I ran from mobs of frenzied fans trying to mount me. I said it as I rode in the van back and forth to rehearsals that I thought would never end, and I said it as Boys for No reason except envy, threw stones at our bus breaking the windows and spitting on us. That's just the way it is...