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Bailey looked up at me with adoring eyes as I told him about his daddy in his wild, younger days. He fell asleep on my bed. I just sat and stared at him. Nothing intrigued me more than a sleeping child. What kind of dreams could you possibly have at such a young age. How does that work? Does he dream of being hugged by mommy and gently being sung a lullaby from daddy. I try to remember back to those days. I can't.

Brian knocked and I quickly ran over to get the door before he woke his son.

"Hey" I whispered holding my pointer finger to my mouth. I ushered him inside.

"Wow you got him to sleep? I'm impressed." He said walking over and gently hugging his son. He sat next to the baby on the bed and looked up at me in awe.

"I am good with kids Brian. You should know that"

"He's not an easy one to get to sleep you know. He's a hyper kid"

"Yeah, just like his dad"

"Hey!"

"Well it's true" I sat on the floor looking up at Brian. This is what it was always like for me in this group. Looking up at the four of them. Size had nothing to do with it either...
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"What's troubling you Nick?" Howie asked me the morning after our big party. I wish I knew the answer to that question, but truthfully I wasn't sure what was wrong.

"Nothing"

"You sure?"

"Uh huh" I looked back down at my gameboy. He left me alone.

I guess I was a little freaked out by that guy at the party. I'm not stupid. I am very aware of drugs and how common they are in this business. That was just the first time I ever actually came in such close proximity to them. I felt like I was in one of those classic peer pressure commercials. You know the one's where the kids are all smoking and drinking, egging an innocent kid on to join them.

Come on everybody is doing it! You'll be sooo cool!

That's how I felt. I wanted to scream. This is your brain on drugs blah blah blah. I know that won't be the last time I ever run into that sort of thing either. Now I knew what my probIem was..

I was growing up too fast.

"Nickers" AJ said running in to greet me.

"Nickers?" He smirked at my reaction.

"Yup. gotta a problem with that Nickers?"

"Uh, are you ever gonna call me Nick. You know just Nick"

"Nope"

"Okay just asking" I shook my head in disgust. Nickers! that was ridiculous. Actually I loved it. Nicknames make you cool. At least in my head they did.

"Watcha doin?" He sat on my back and peered over my shoulder.

"Get the hell off me dufus!" I rolled over and down he went. We began to wrestle. Just play wrestling.

I felt an added weight on me. Then the strwberry blond hair in my face made me realize that Brian had decided to join in the fun. The three of us rolled around the carpet like a ball of fools. At least that's what Kevin called us when we accidently ran him over knocking him to the ground.

"Idiots!" He yelped rubbing his now sore head. I just laughed and AJ snorted.

"Sorry cousin" Brian said jumping up from the floor and taking a seat on the bed.

"My freakin gameboy!" I screeched when I saw it lying broken on the floor. I picked it up and flung it across the room.

"Hey! That was totally uncalled for!" Johnny yelled when the game missed him only by inches.

"Oh my gosh I'm sorry Johnny. I didn't see you standing there!" He sneered at me. Picking up my Gameboy and placing it next to my bed. I think that is the only expression that man knows. He should patent it.

"I have to run down your agenda today boys" We gathered around the table.

"First of all, I'm glad you guys had a great time last night. Because it was a special occasion. We let you sleep in. Don't get used to it" We groaned. He laughed.

"Yeah poor you! You realize if you were going to school full time. You would be getting up just as early, so quit your belly aching" He had a point. Couldn't argue with that. Although, I seldom got up for school at four am.

"Okay first off, You have a meet and greet at a mall. I can't pronounce it so I'm not even gonna try"

"What time does that happen?" Kevin asked. Oh my God was he actually taking notes. I peered over at him. Yes! He was actually taking notes. Too funny.

"11am" I looked at my watch. It was 10:15 now. Funny how I wasn't tired until I looked at my watch. When Lou said we could sleep in I figured it was until noon. I had no concept of time anymore.

"After the meet and greet you have a series of radio interviews. That will take us to about 3:15. Than you can break for a really quick lunch" I looked over and laughed at Kevin writing every word.

"Okay at that point we are splitting up. AJ and Brian are heading off for a magazine photo shoot and interview" Haha! Brian has to do another photo shoot!

"With Fritz?" I asked. hoping with all my might that it would be. Johnny just ignored the question.

"Kevin, Howie and Nick will be going to MTV Germany to do a live interview and question and answer session with the fans" I let out a groan. I couldn't help it. I hated those things.

"We will meet back here by 6pm for a quick dinner and outfit change for the concert tonight."

Funny how everything was 'quick' We had to eat quickly, get dressed quickly do this and that quickly. They have a term for it in this business. It's called hurry up and wait. They rush you around and then you end up waiting for hours. Maybe someday someone will figure it out and say, I think we have some time so slow down.

"Than.." Jesus Christ he's not done yet?

"You do a quick meet and greet with some contest winners backstage before boarding the bus back to the hotel. Your wake up call is five am so try to come back here and go to sleep" We all just sat blankly staring at him. All but Kevin who was writing every word.

When Johnny left, the happy atmosphere of the room went downhill. Leaving dread in it's wake. I laid down on the floor using my arms to rest my head. No one said a thing. I think we were all just trying to digest the horrendous schedule ahead of us. They were all that bad. It hadn't gotten any easier like we had hoped it would. Just the contrary was happening. Soon, he would be waking us up at two in the morning and making us work until one in the morning.

Kevin broke the decidedly uneasy silence. "So, did everyone eat breakfast? We have a long day ahead of us!" He directed his gaze on me. I nodded. Kevin was always concerned with my eating habits or lack of. Thing is I just never thought about it. Sometimes I would forget to eat completely. Once I got the shakes because of it and ever since than he has been on my case. Three square meals a day. Yes sir Kevin sir!

In the spare few minutes we had left, I decided to take a super 'quick' nap. Then, it was off to the meet and greet. We were ushered into this huge mall. If I didn't know any better, we could have been back in Orlando. Tons of familiar shops lined up in a row. Only difference is the German speaking people who worked in them. Kids were walking around dressed in their hang out clothes. Talking with friends and sipping on coffee. I felt a pang of jealousy. That was meant to be my life. Hanging out with friends, not a care in the world.

As we approached the center of the mall. The grande court the promoter kept calling it, We saw a huge crowd gathered. Holding posters of us, wearing shirts with our faces on them. Screaming. That part I never understood. Well, I didn't understand why people would want to wear my face on their chests. But the screaming is what totally left me baffled. If you admire someone why scream at them? Makes no sense. Maybe because the horror movies I was forced to watch on late night bus rides always had the person screaming when coming face to face with their worst nightmare.

We were escorted to a table with a Backstreet Boys banner hanging down. Lou always made sure that for things like this, Brian and I never got to sit together. That was probably why I was spared the photo shoot.

"Okay boys big smiles please" Johnny whispered right before our introduction. Than the fun began. We signed for almost 90 minutes. My hand was totally sore. I noticed my writing started out so nice and neat and then by the end of the signing I was lucky to get out a N. It's funny because before the fame. I used to practice my autograph. I never understood how famous people always made their signtures almost unreadable. Now I know believe me! It's because their fingers are so sore they would rather cry than write.

We didn't even have a second to rest before Johnny moved us back out to the awaiting van and onto the radio stations. We sped and Johhny kept furiously glancing down at his watch, We were running late I gathered.

"We should have been there twenty minutes ago! Damn mall security is gonna make us late." We ran into radio station number one just under 1pm. Literally running down the halls. We were ushered into a room where we sat and waited. Kevin was just shaking his head. I of course rolled my eyes.

"I ran so fast I can't catch my damn breath" AJ exclaimed taking deep breaths to catch up with his heart rate.

At 1:13, we were brought into the recording booth to do some promos for the radio station and then we had a five minute interview with the DJ. As we were running out to the van I laughed.

"That was a waste of time" I said.

We entered radio station number two at 1:47 being scolded for being late. Then we got on air at 2pm. After another very quick interview it was time for radio station number three. We ran into traffic which made Johnny use some expletives I have never heard before, followed by a scolding from him when he heard me ask Brian If Johnny made those words up. At 2:35 we ran into the station and flew right to the booth to record some promos. We were in and out of that place so fast I couldn't even tell you what it looked like. It almost felt like a dream. Who knows maybe I fell asleep.

At 2:50 we were on our way to station number four. This is where Johnny had to start cutting out things, you know in order for us to be able to make all the scheduled appearances. So of course the first thing to go is the quick lunch. We arrived at station four at 3:15. Fifteen minutes into our scheduled lunchtime. They ran us in and ran us out by 3:30. My head began to pound by this time. I searched my backpack for aspirin but came up empty handed. Bummer!

3:45 brought us to our final radio interview. We flew in and recorded the same stupid thing, if they would all just share we could have had a lunch break but no we have to mention the station ID numbers. Stupid stupid stupid!

"Okay guys here is the deal, we have another car waiting for you" Johnny said pointing to Brian and AJ,"For your photo shoot" Now looking at us he said, "The three of you can just stay in the car. We are late!"

"Johnny, what about lunch?" Kevin asked. Never looking up from his clipboard he answered.

"Don't worry they will have food in the green room. You can snack on whatever they have there. Same for the two of you. I will try to give you some extra time for a good dinner" We nodded. I closed my eyes to will away the aching in my head. We stopped the van just long enough for Brian and AJ to hop out than it was back on the road for the MTV thing.

I have always had anxiety about being on camera. I know I come off looking like I love it, but I don't. I get very nervous. I start licking my lips just thinking about it. One of my many nervous habits. Howie noticed and was quick to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "It'll all be good. You don't have to say anything. Just smile. Kevin and I will handle it" I nodded in agreement. It never worked out that way but it was still nice to know that they were willing to do that for me.

The green room didn't have as much food as I had hoped. We tore down the halls, expecting to have to run right on stage but of course when we got there they made us wait. "What time is it?" Howie asked Kevin who was eating some crackers and grapes. What a weird spread they had for us. Crackers with cheeses, grapes and apples. Then there was a bowl of M&M's. That's what lunch consisted of for me. Crackers and M&M's. "It's 4:20" He said holding a handful of the candies and dropping them into his mouth.

"I think we are probably going on at 4:30" Oh good maybe I had time to go to the bathroom. I had to pee but learned to not think about it. "I'm running to the bathroom" I said only to be stopped by Johnny. "No can do Nick. They will be calling us out there any minute. We can't have you in the bathroom when that happens!" I rolled my eyes. "You can go after the interview" I went and sat on the couch. "Whatever" I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to Kevin shaking me. "Wake up little man" He said. I noticed that it was 4:45. That would have been more than enough time to pee and eat a decent meal.

We were ushered onto the lighted stage and sat down answering the stupidest questions. No offense to the people in Europe but they ask the dumbest questions I have ever heard. Dumb and mean sometimes. I sat trying my hardest not to speak and making my eyes not roll. They really wanted to though especially when they flat out asked Howie if he was gay! How rude. The torture that was MTV Europe was done at 5:15. We ran and did a few promos for the station including introducing our new video. Than it was off to dinner Hallelujah!

We arrived at our venue, skipping the hotel by 6:30. That gave us appromiximately ten minutes to eat a quick dinner before heading to wordrobe and makeup for the show. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich washed down with some apple juice. My head hurt so badly I was almost seeing double. "Hey Kevin, do you have any aspirin?" I begged. He looked me over and searched through his bag bringing out a bottle of Tylenol. I almost salivated when I saw it. He opened the bottle and popped two of them into my hand.

"Kevin can I have three or four?"

"No, two should be enough"

"But Kevin my head really hurts"

"Sorry buddy but I don't want you getting sick because I let you overdose on aspirin" Conversation was dropped. I ran to wordrobe and makeup than waited for them to tell us when to take the stage. We finally went out into a blaze of screaming adulation by 7:30

I was ready to pass out by the time we got off the stage at 9 but unfortunatly we had yet another meet and greet for an hour after the show. I felt bad for those fans. We just weren't overly effectionate. Just zombies by that point. My headache had managed to ease a little bit but it was replaced by the feeling of complete exhaustion.

At 11:07 we arrived back at the hotel. The first thing I did was run into the bathroom and finally relieve my bladder. The rest of the guys followed suit. I jumped on my bed completely tired. I threw off my shoes and just left my sweats and tee shirt on. I didn't feel like finding anything to wear to bed. Too much effort. I reached over from the bed and grabbed my gameboy. I tried to put it on but it wouldn't work.

"Damn, fucking shit stupid ass freaking thing!" I cursed at it. Frustration building so much that I wanted to cry.

"Hey! Enough with the potty mouth Kaos!" Kevin yelled.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" AJ added.

"All I wanted to do was play my game. That's all! I can't even do that!" I cried. God why was I crying again? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so pathetic. Within a heartbeat of my mini break down all four boys were sitting with me on my bed.

"Nick, it's okay. It will get easier I promise" I didn't get what Kevin was talking about. I was upset because of my Gameboy. At least I thought I was.

"Get some sleep. We have an early wake up call tomorrow" He said to me in a calming brotherly tone. Brian smiled at me and Howie ruffled my hair. AJ rolled his eyes at me.

I needed rest. We all did. I fell asleep that night with tears in my eyes. The first of many tearfilled nights. I dreamt of going to the mall with friends and having lunch with not a care in the world...