Her heart should have been pounding in her chest, beads of sweat pouring off of her head and dripping onto the floor where her foot was tapping nervously. Nothing even close to that was happening though, because she knew, no matter what the outcome, it was meant to be. Besides, how could she be nervous and upset? She was going to see Nick today. Even if only for a few minutes. Unless she could persuade him to come and see her. She had no doubt that she could coax him into it, the others might have a problem with it, but eventually she would get her way. Just like always.
She stood up and walked over to her mirror. It was so dirty that her image was distorted, but still she could tell she looked good. As always. She brushed her freshly washed hair and put on the business suit her lawyer instructed her to wear. She looked like she was at the top of her game again. The professional she had worked so hard to become.
Looking at her small table side clock she decided to bow her head in a quick prayer. Praying to God that everything would work out for the best. Praying that Joe would come and rescue her. Praying that Nick would come and visit. Praying for a second chance to make things right.
She stood up when she heard the guards approaching making a quick sign of the cross before taking in a deep breath. Her lawyer smiled at her, "You look gorgeous"
"I know" She said.
"Are you ready?"
"I have always been ready"
"Okay then let's go try to save your life" He said as the guards placed her hands and legs in shackles.
"I am already saved" She said. The lawyer gave her a nod, but the look on his face told Trish he thought otherwise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I looked at the clock in the courtroom, 8:58 it said. Two more minutes until the trial started. I was so nervous that I couldn't sit still. Kevin decided to sit next to me and calm me down. Like he used to in the old days. When he would worry that I might embarrass them in an interview by falling off my chair.
As if reading my thoughts, Kevin tapped my leg and smiled at me, "You okay little man?" He whispered. I nodded but he knew I wasn't okay.
I told them they didn't need to come with me. I had successfully persuaded my family to stay at home. The guys for some reason wouldn't listen though. I didn't want them in there just in case the lawyers brought up anything I may have went through. I didn't want the guys to know. I didn't want anyone to know. I was lucky the first time around, I only had to mention a few things but they were the same details I had mentioned to the press and my family and the guys. Nothing big. There was so much incriminating evidence at that point that I hardly had to say much.
Charlie had told me, that if he felt like the jury was swinging towards mercy, he would have to go into more detail about the hell I was put through. The torture mentally and towards the end physically. The torture I had forced myself to forget. He made me tell him everything, saying that I could actually be held in contempt of court if I didn't cooperate with him. What a jerk.
I hoped it wouldn't come to that. I was hoping they wouldn't even need my testimony. Because so many of the victims families were coming to have their say. But if Charlie had his way, my butt would end up on that stand. The families of the victims were sitting all around me. Already crying. I couldn't look at them. Just like I couldn't look at them the first time around. I felt guilty for living while their kids died. I think they felt the same way. They held me in their own kind of contempt.
The gasp coming from the crowd made me look up to see Trish being brought into the room. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. She stared right at me and smiled. I turned my eyes to the floor. Brian who was sitting on my other side leaned in and whispered, "Don't look at her Nick. That's what she wants"
"All rise" I didn't even hear it but Kevin tapping my leg once again brought me to my feet and the start of the trial.
It started out just like any other trial. Both lawyers making their case. Her's for her life. Charlie's for her death. "She should not be permitted to live after committing such heinous acts" He said speaking with a stern yet sympathetic twinge to his voice. Then he called John Wexman to the stand to make his plea. He looked old. So much older than even the first time I had met him.
"My son Robert was 21 years old when this woman and her brother took his life. He had his whole life ahead of him. It seems like she shouldn't be given the opportunity to live when my son wasn't given the same opportunity" He looked right at Trish then and I developed goosebumps. "You deserve to die for what you have done"
When Charlie turned it over to Trish's attorney, he didn't cross examine or ask any questions. So Mr. Wexman left the stand.
He was a nice guy. Came over to me shortly after we met and told me that his son would have been proud of me. He then embraced me. Crying as if he was holding his son who had died so long ago. Now as he passed me by, he just gave me a small smile. I returned the favor.
John Buckman was next to take the stand. He was not quite as nice to me when we first met. He came over and said that he didn't understand how it was that I could let those horrible people work for me. Meaning Trish and Joe. Like I had known they were evil. Now he sat on the stand looking rather docile. More docile than I remembered him looking. I remember hearing that shortly after Tye's death his company went under. He went into a depression that ruined his marriage and life. That was just about 13 years ago. Another life devastated.
"This woman sits in prison while MY tax money keeps her alive and happy. I don't want her alive and I certainly don't want her happy. Tye was a great kid. If he were alive now, he would be 33 years old. He would object to me being here pleading for this woman to die, but he isn't here. So you need to do what is right" Again, when it came time for Trish's lawyer to cross examine he had no questions. That had me a bit relieved. Maybe I wouldn't have to say much at all.
Another of the victims families, The Abrahams, were expected to speak next but because of a flat tire, they were no shows. Charlie gave me a small smile. I knew that smile all to well. It meant get ready to rock and roll kid. You're on next.
"The state calls Nickolas G. carter" Charlie said. When I heard my name I almost screamed. I wanted to run away. I certainly didn't want to get up and sit right in front of Trish and all those families. Two loving arms on both of my shoulders, gave me the courage I needed to stand up and move forward.
"It's going to be okay Nick" Brian whispered to me just as I walked away from him. AJ, Howie and Kevin all giving me winks and nods. I walked slowly and looked at the floor, but I smelled her as I passed by. Lilacs and Lavender. Just like my room last night. I shuddered as I sat down.
"On behalf of the state your honor, Nickolas would like to make a statement" Charlie said just as we rehearsed so many times before. I swallowed and tried to speak but my voice caught in my throat. I refused to look over at Trish, instead choosing to look over at my best friends. The four guys who had helped me get through the hell. Kevin gave me a nod.
"I have known Trish a very long time. She worked as my personal assistant. I never knew she was capable of the crimes that she committed" I looked at the floor, remembering Mr. Buckman's biting words to me during the first trial. How could I have hired those people? "She deceived me as well as my fellow bandmates into thinking we could trust her, which we did with our lives. Especially me" I felt my voice crack. I swallowed once again trying to get control of my emotions. How do you ask for someone to die? "All I am asking is that you keep her off the street. If that means locking her up for life than so be it. If that means killing her than so be it" I knew that wasn't exactly what Charlie and I had rehearsed and I could feel him staring at me in anger.
Of course when it came time for the opposing lawyer to ask questions he did.
"Mr. Carter, you trusted my client with your life you said?"
"Yes"
"Even after she took you captive"
"No, of course not" He smiled. "Is it not true that you asked my client to hurry back home because you were afraid that her brother would harm you?" I closed my eyes trying to remember. Was it true? I vaguely remember the phone call, and wanting her so desperately to come back.
"Maybe, Joe was a lunatic though. He would have killed me"
"But you didn't feel the same way about Trish did you?" I looked up from my feet accidentally looking her way to see her once again staring at me.
"No, I guess you can say that"
"So, is it fair then to say that you didn't fear for your life when Miss Topper was around?"
"No, it's not fair to say that. I was just as afraid of Trish. But she was able to calm her brother down"
"Do you think she should die Mr. Carter?" God how I so didn't want to have to answer that question.
"For me, no. But I am alive. She should die for all those others who aren't here" I looked back down at the floor once again swallowing.
"Mr. Carter, did Miss Topper ever give you reason to fear for your life?" He looked me in the eyes, willing me to answer the way he wanted me too.
"Yes, of course, I was a prisoner. She was unbalanced. I was terrified"
"But did she actually ever hurt you physically?"
"No I can't really say that she did"
"Did her brother?"
"I object, this is irrelevant" Charlie said from his table.
"Over ruled" The judge said, making me answer the question.
"Yes" I whispered, once again training my eyes on the floor.
"Did he ever hurt you with Trish there?"
"No"
"But once she was gone?"
"Yes"
"Did she ever prevent Joe from hurting you?" I shifted in my seat. I wanted to run away again. I didn't want to go back to that place. EVER again.
"Yes" Please don't make me tell you this story please don't make me tell you this story, please don't..
"How so?" I closed my eyes remembering the scene.
"Joe was being especially psychotic. He hadn't let me eat anything in a few days"
"He was starving you?"
"Punishing me..yes"
"Why?"
"For giving Brian a key phrase that meant don't trust her. Cornbeef and cabbage" I looked over at Brian as he sat up straight. I never told him that before.
"And Joe figured it out?"
"NO, Brian and AJ confronted Trish about it I guess and in a panic, she called Joe"
"Okay and then what?"
"He wouldn't allow me to eat anything for a few days. Finally he came down with some pizza and beer"
"What happened before that Nick?" I don't want to tell you that. Please don't make me tell you that.
I paused. Kind of like time stood still. While I tried to gather up enough nerve to tell this little part of the story. Just one little part of many I never spoke about.
"Answer the question son" The judge urged me in a very calm and quiet tone of voice.
"He came down into the basement and he smelled like alcohol" I felt a blackness come over me as I was taken to this dark place once again.
Me sitting on my bed writing in Julia, that's what I called my journal...
"Hey Nicky boy, I bet you are starving aren't you?" He said looking over at me. The way he was staggering made me think maybe I could escape. I quickly dropped Julia behind the bed before he could see what I was doing.
He came and sat next to me and wrapped his arms around my neck.
"Answer me Nick. I hate when people don't answer my question" He said slapping my face, hard. I turned away as I felt the salty blood coming from the corner of my lip.
"Then what happened next?"
"I am just getting ready to go to bed" I said hoping that he would take the hint and leave. He didn't. He instead pulled some Styrofoam nuggets out of his pants pockets. I immediately gasped. As he ...
I couldn't speak anymore. I didn't want to go back there. It was the past. It was over.
He took me in his grasp. He was too big to get away from. I kicked and screamed, but he wouldn't listen to me. He pulled me to the floor and laid his knee on top of my chest.
I looked up at my bandmates just in time to see Howie D get up and leave the room. I wanted to go with him.
He forced my mouth open and started to pour the Styrofoam in my mouth. Telling me to eat them. It will fill me up he said. I kept struggling to break free but it was no use. I swallowed about three of them, thinking that at any moment I was going to choke to death. Luckily I didn't. After about the 6th one, I vomited all over myself and him. He got up and kicked me. Ranting and raving the whole time. I only had enough strength to turn on my side.
He cleaned himself off and then grabbed me by the hair and forced me into the bathroom..
This is where the tears started to spill. I wiped them away as I continued to look down at the floor.
He forced me to drink water from the toilet and then he ordered me to take my clothes off.
It felt like the entire courtroom all shifted nervously at once.
When I refused, he began choking me, I couldn't breath. He started ripping at my clothes. That's when Trish called. She managed to calm him down. I couldn't hear what she was saying to him because I was barely conscious but he stopped and instead pulled me into a hug and told me he was sorry...
I wiped my tears away and then made the mistake of looking over to my band brothers. All of their heads were down. All except for Brian who mouthed the words "I'm sorry"
Finally I was able to leave the stand. As I walked back to my seat I glanced at Trish once again. She smiled at me. I turned away. I walked out of the courtroom went into the bathroom and threw my guts up.
As I splashed some water on my face and tried to regain my composure, I encountered AJ. I couldn't even look at him. I just wanted to shrink away.
He wouldn't let me though.
"You okay?" He asked me biting his bottom lip. I nodded but couldn't yet find my voice.
He clamped his arm around my shoulder in a brotherly way. "I love you kiddo"
I smiled at him and placed my head on his shoulder before walking out of the bathroom and back into the spotlight.
We walked slowly as everyone began to pile out of the courtroom.
"The Jury has the case now. It's over Nick. You did it" A very calm Kevin said to me. I nodded. Seemed like that was all I was able to do. As we walked away, Trish's lawyer stopped me, "Mr. Carter, May I speak to you a minute?" He said as he literallly ran into me.
"You know, he has been through enough. We are taking him home now" Kevin said as he grabbed my hand like I was a five year old and pulled me through the crowd, past the press and television cameras and into our awaiting van. David took over the pulling duties once we cleared the media.
When I got into the van, I was met with complete silence. Howie was sitting there reading a magazine. He probably ran here after he left the courtroom. AJ and Brian sat next to him and Kevin took his place next to me.
I found solace in looking out the window. I wasn't expecting to see what I saw right then. Nothing could have prepared me for it. Nothing. Because standing right outside my window was Joe in a big black overcoat. He looked at me, smiled and mouthed the word Mizpah.
I screamed a silent scream. So terrified that I could't find my breath to let my friends know what I had seen.
"Nick, what's wrong?" I heard Kevin say as he grasped me arm.
"I think he is having trouble breathing" Howie said urgently
Once again, the darkness of those days came to great me as I closed my eyes...
