I was in that weird place between dream and reality. Where everything was one big hazy cloud. I knew I was in the hospital, I knew I had passed out. Had an anxiety attack the doctors had said. I also knew I had to testify. I remembered all of that stuff. The one thing that I couldn't remember was what had made me so scared in the first place. Trish? Just thinking her name made me shudder. I felt the goosebumps forming slowly making their way up my arms.
"Nicky, are you cold?" I heard a voice ask me. It was only a whisper, but that was Howie. Always so sweet and soft.
I wasn't sure if I should answer. Answering meant waking up, but the feel of the blanket reaching my neck and a warm friendly pat on my head, made me smile.
"Thanks" I said out loud.
"No problem" Then I heard another person sit down. I smelled the unmistakable greasy smell that McDonald's fries had. The bag opening just made me realize how right I was.
"He wake up yet?"
"He's getting there" I knew it was AJ. Of course it was.
"Any more talk about Joe?"
Joe? Then the adrenaline of fear flew through my veins bypassing the goosebumps that were still forming on my skin. Joe... I saw him and he was alive. I sat up straight scaring the crap out of both men. AJ responded by dropping his fries on the floor.
"Joe's alive!!" I screamed.
Howie was up and out of his seat within no time flat. Grabbing my hand he said in his small voice, "Shhh. it's okay Nicky. You just had another bad dream"
"No I didn't Howie. I saw him"
I watched as Howie and AJ exchanged concerned looks. They thought I was crazy. I wished I was.
"Hey, well look who decided to wake up" Brian said coming to my other side, the smile he was wearing suddenly turned to a frown when he noticed the panicked expression on my face.
"What's wrong?" He asked AJ, even though I was right there.
"He's still talking about Joe"
"Nick, not again. Joe is dead" He placed a McDonald's bag on my little table and opened it up for me.
"I hope you are hungry"
"I am not crazy guys. He was standing right outside the van. He was alive and he whispered Mizpah to me"
"Nick! Stop. It was probably a dream"
"While I was wide awake?"
"It happens"
"Why don't you believe me?" I was getting annoyed. They were all acting as if nothing I said had any merit to it.
"You aren't thinking clearly, you have been through hell Nick"
"I know and I'm telling you the person who put me through that hell is ALIVE and back. right under our noses" The beeping of my heart monitor was starting to intensify, seeing that AJ went to get a nurse.
"Nick.." Brian held out his hand to me. In it he was holding a quarter pounder with cheese which I decided to knock right out of his hand and straight down to the floor.
"Why the hell did you do that?" He asked just as a nurse walked into the room.
She came over to look at the monitor and take my blood pressure.
"He is agitated" Brian said picking up the burger from the floor.
"Damn right I am agitated, this is why I never told you about the threats the first time, Does he have to kidnap me again before you'll believe me?" Suddenly he stopped in his tracks. I had hurt him. I think I meant to hurt him. He stood up, picked up the burger and left the room. Not saying a word to anybody.
"Mr. Carter you need to calm down. Would you like some tranquilizers?"
"No" I had tears streaming down my face.
"Okay" She said and then she quietly told AJ, "I'll be back in a few minutes" He nodded.
I looked over to AJ as I wiped my eyes. He looked hurt too.
"Why do you think you saw.."
"I DID see him J, I don't think I did. I DID"
"Should we call the police?" Finally..
"Yes we should"
"Where's Kevin?" I asked realizing that he was there before I went to sleep but not now.
"He went back to the house to let the dogs out and take care of some business"
"Did he bring security with him?"
"I'm sure Brad went with him" Howie said once again trying to calm me down. He kept rubbing my arm, trying to will the goosebumps away.
"Good because I couldn't..." visions of the dream I had of Howie being shot in the head came back to me. They all had to go away. It wasn't safe.
"I think you guys need to leave"
"What Kaos?"
"You need to go back home to your lives"
"Not while your like this we don't"
"He's going to get you guys too, please" I WAS losing it now, I couldn't help it though.
"It's going to be okay Nick" AJ said now sitting on the bed hoping I would focus all my attention on him
"How do you know that?" I asked him, my eyes still brimming with tears. He moved close to me then, so unlike how he was in his younger days, days when if we were left alone for even a few hours we would most likely kill each other.
"Because I know" simple answer but for some reason, I believed him. He was that sincere.
The nurse returned with Howie following close behind. She took one more look at my monitor and satisfied with what she saw, she left the room once again.
"AJ can I talk to you for a minute?" Howie asked, looking suspicious. AJ only looked at me when he responded.
"Sure D" Then he winked at me, "I'll be right back" I nodded.
"Hey Rok. Brian can keep you company" J said walking out the door and passing by a very quiet Brian.
When Howie and AJ left the room the silence was suddenly overwhelming. I looked toward the door and smiled at Brian. He came in and sat down.
"Bri, I'm sorry"
"No Nick, I'm sorry. You are right. It's all my fault"
"I never said that"
"You didn't have to. It is the truth"
"No it's not. I was being childish. I didn't really mean it" He looked up at me then, looking wounded.
"You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it"
Maybe I did blame Brian and AJ a little bit. If I didn't feel so isolated from them...No I was the only one to blame. It was my fault.
"Brian, I was just being a jerk"
"I don't want to believe you Nick. It's not that I DON'T believe you. I don't WANT to believe you" He looked away. It looked like maybe he had been crying too.
"He has to be dead Nick. Because if he is still alive this nightmare will never end. She has to die and he has to be dead, then maybe we can all move on with our lives"
"I want that to happen..you know move on"
"I do too"
"Does moving on include leaving all the bad memories behind for you?" I asked him.
"Of course it does"
"DO I bring back those bad memories?" I wiped some more tears away. It was probably the scariest question I had ever asked. I think Brian wanted Trish dead, Joe dead and maybe me dead too.
He did something that I had only seen him do once in his life just then. He started bawling his eyes out.
"Brian what is wrong? I'm sorry" He tried to shut me up but he was beyond words. He couldn't even look my way.
"I can't Nick" He said. I tensed up. He was scaring me.
"You can't what?" I looked to the door, hoping that Howie, AJ or even Kevin would walk in and rescue us from this odd bonding moment we were having. Or the breakdown I was witnessing. I still couldn't tell which one it was. He was able to gain his voice back. It was still a little choppy but thankfully back.
"I can't deal with knowing that I could have prevented this all from happening. If I had only said something. If I had only done something, If I had.."
I stopped him. "Yeah if I had only told you about this, if I had only told the police about this. We can all say that Brian. It doesn't make things any better. Trust me"
"Before you were taken away, we left things so unresolved. I was so afraid I would have to carry that around with me for the rest of my life...Then we found you" Through his tears he managed a smile. "And I thought oh my God now I can tell him how much he really means to me..how while pretending your nightly visits to my hotel room were tedious and an invasion of our already lack of privacy, I used to really be excited about it. The chance to spend time with you. How even when you say or do the stupidest things, I would love you for just being you" He moved to the bathroom and poured some water on his face before continuing. When he came back he sat down on the bed, almost in the same exact spot AJ had vacated. "And when you went solo and we had that terrible fight, not talking in forever and almost to the point of hating each other.."
"I never hated you" I had to correct him on that one. I was never mad at him. Never.
He nodded and smiled, "I had wanted to really tell you how I was proud of you for doing it. Proud and maybe a little jealous" I laughed. "There were so many things Nick that I wanted to say, rehearsed them with Leigh, rehearsed them in front of a mirror, but my pride wouldn't let me do it, so I never did"
"Brian it's okay really" I held out my hand to him and he gripped it and placed it to his chest.
"You asked me if I want all the memories to go away and the answer is yes, but it doesn't mean you Nick. I know we have really grown apart in the last few years, from brothers to Best friends to barely acquaintances, but I love you buddy. You really need to know that and I can't deal with seeing you in this much pain" He started crying again but this time he had company. I was crying right along with him.
"So, forgive me if I don't believe you. I can't believe you. Okay?" I nodded and then we embraced.
Brian meant the world to me.
Howie and AJ must have been waiting right outside the door because they came in right after we hugged. "Guys, Charlie called. The jury is back"
Brian and I looked at each other, not a word said but just like in the old days, there didn't have to be...
