Insomnia, that is another thing that has plagued me since I have been back from captivity. I can barely fall asleep anymore. Late at night, when I turn off the lights, the shadows the night sky make on my walls, cause me to jump and my heart to race. That is when I am the most grateful for my friends and the fact that all I have to do is walk out the door, down the steps and wake up a sleeping Kevin and ask him to play a game of Nintendo with me.
I laid on my bed, the night I came back from the beach and stared up at my ceiling. I still found myself thinking about that kid. About his life cut short. The sounds of the night were particularly loud, So I decided to get up and close my windows. Even though I found that the light ocean breeze helped put me to sleep. I stretched and made my way over to the window, looking out before shutting the noises out for the night.
My eyes grew big as saucers when I saw a figure of a man. Just standing there staring back at me from under my window. I screamed and fell back to the floor. Crawling backwards towards my bed. Certain that at any moment, that figure, was going to climb up the side of the house and burst through my window.
Kevin and Howie both came barreling through my door, making me scream once again and crouch down almost under the bed.
"What's wrong!" Kevin yelled turning on my light and seeing me in my fetal position on the floor. Howie bent down beside me, "Nicky, what happened?" He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder but I winced at the touch. Still staring at the window. Kevin seeing the look of horror on my face proceeded to the window. After glancing out, he bent down beside me "Nick, tell us what's wrong"
"There was someone outside staring up at me" I said in a shaky voice. My whole body was shaking, making Kevin and Howie exchange troubled glances. Kevin got up and looked out the window once again, this time opening it up, including the screen and stuck his head entirely out the window. Howie once again placed his hand on my shoulder, this time I welcomed it.
"There is nothing out there Nick" Kevin said closing the window and joining me on the floor. "It was probably just a raccoon or something. You are safe kiddo. Okay?" I nodded and then placed my head on Howie's shoulder. Howie and Kevin exchanged those looks again. "I am going downstairs just to make sure your alarms are in tact and that security is on their toes okay? Will that make you feel better?" I nodded. Kevin always had to make things better, even when he wasn't quite sure how. After he was gone I lifted my head from Howie's shoulder, "You guys think I am nuts don't you?"
"No way Jose" He said bringing a smile to my face.
"Okay. It's just that I know I saw something"
"Well, Kevin is going to make sure that security is on it"
"Thanks for being here Howie"
"You want me to stay here on the floor?"
"No! you don't have to do that"
"Only until you fall asleep"
"No, really that is okay" I stood up and got back into bed. Even though I wanted him to stay more than anything else, I was a little too proud to admit it. He followed my lead and got up off the floor
"Okay, well if you need anything, just holler okay?"
"Thanks D, I will" Then with a wink and a smile, he exited the room. Leaving me once again all alone in the dark. I pulled the covers up over my head. And closed my eyes.
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I closed the door to Nick's room very hesitantly, I felt like maybe I should have been more insistent on staying in there with him. The kid had been through so much. Kevin came trotting back up the steps, "Security said there has been no activity right outside his window. They are double checking now though"
"Good" I said once again looking back at Nick's closed bedroom door. "You are worried aren't you D?" I returned Kevin's question with a nod. Truth is, yes I was very worried about Nick. He barely spoke about his kidnapping. Still we didn't know all the details. He refused to open up to any of us.
"Maybe we should stay in there with him" Kevin said going to open Nick's door. I placed my hand on his arm, "No! He said he didn't want us in there" Kevin placed his head against the door, looking like a man not sure of what to do. He finally turned back towards me, "Why is he seeing things?"
"Because he has been traumatized" I answered honestly. I mean I can only imagine what it was like for Nick. We were going to therapy for this. It was too much for US to handle. God, what about him?
"You know, it's probably because of Trish being all over the news again"
"Howie, is this ever going to go away?"
"I hope so" But I doubted it.
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I hope so too I thought to myself when I heard Kevin's question. There had been so many times, especially on the bus in the middle of tours that I would just lie in bed and listen to my band brother's talk about me. They always forgot that a closed door or a closed curtain didn't mean sound proof. I heard every word that was said. Of course on the bus the conversations were always a little more fun. What is wrong with that kid? Is he on drugs or something? Or let's scare him and pretend we left him here alone type of things. I would giggle into my pillow. Better yet, was when Kevin would be mean to me all day, and then in my absence do nothing but show deep concern for my well being. Most of the time growing up I needed that. To know that they were on my side.
So that's why even now, as I heard Howie and Kevin's conversation right outside my door, it didn't bother me. It calmed me down. Because I knew that they were there. I also knew that despite what Howie told Kevin about me not wanting them to bother me, I would find him on my floor soon enough. As if reading my mind, my door popped open and in walked Kevin.
"Nick" He whispered. I thought about pretending to be asleep but that would only make him leave. So I pulled my head from under the covers, "Yeah?"
"I am staying in here with you tonight, is that okay? The faucet in your guest bedroom is leaking really loudly and I can't sleep" I smiled.
"Sure, that's no problem"
"Cool!" He said climbing into MY bed.
"Dude, what the heck are you doing?" I asked him sitting up.
"Getting into bed"
"Um.. I'm kind of sleeping in here" He laughed, "Aw come on Nick, can't two grown men share a huge king sized bed? I'm married for Goodness sakes!"
"Okay but don't cuddle with me, if you try to cuddle with me, I might push you the hell off!"
"Awww doesn't Nick love me anymore?"
"God Kevin that was just creepy" He laughed.
"Goodnight kiddo"
"Night night" He moved around a bit adjusting himself under the covers. I was glad he was there. The bed was so big, we were nowhere near each other, I felt safe though. God how pathetic I am a 23 year old man, afraid to sleep alone in my own bed? Having to have a 32 year old male sleep in here with me? It was working though as I felt my eyelids grow heavier. A feeling of calmness overcame me and I drifted off to sleep.
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Nightfall my favorite time of day. A time when I feel closest to God. The young one saw me today. My lamb, I was standing right outside his window. He looked down, our eyes connected. It was dark but I know he saw me. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I miss his company, his laugh and his fear. That child belongs to me. Those other guys keep getting in my way though, Kevin and Howie. One always seems to be here. They are trying to prevent me from doing my Father's work.
The sound of footfalls coming around the house brought me back into the darkness. I hid behind the bushes waiting for the guard to pass. It was so easy to get by these guys. I guess you can't find decent help these days. Like me. I would have never allowed a maniac to gain access to my charges house. Maniac? Did I just call myself a maniac? I guess that is okay, they called John the Baptist a maniac when he stood in the water saving souls for our Father.
The guard walked right by me, as if I was invisible. Maybe I am. But I'm not willing to take that chance. He was smoking a cigarette too. Smoking on the job. Not paying any attention. I guy could get killed like that. The guard, picked up his radio, "It's all clear out here, I have been around the exterior of the house three times. Nothing out of the ordinary"
Static was heard followed by a command, "Okay come on back, he must be seeing things then" He recognized the voice. It belonged to the one who fired him. He would have to take care of that guy too. While he was at it, why not rid the world of ALL the bad guys? When the guard was gone, I came out of the shadows and once again took my watch right under my lambs window. Soon we will be reunited my young friend. Sleep well, you will need your strength...
