Chapter 24:
He was drifting somewhere between sleep and not completely awake. It was that warm hazy feeling that kept Brian lulled in place and unwilling to pull himself fully into a state of consciousness and at that point in time, he preferred to keep it that way. Sleep had not come easy to him the night before and even after returning back to the house with his mother, Brian had spent the better part of the night staring wearily up at the dark ceiling while Leighanne slept peacefully beside him in the bed. She hadn't stirred an inch since he'd left her in bed and she never stirred once he re-joined her. Brian had wanted to reach out to her and pull her close, wake her and tell her they needed to talk, but he couldn't find it in himself to disturb her and he'd resigned to wallowing, as always, in his own self-induced misery.
Shortly after dawn, the grips of a light slumber began to take hold of Brian to the point that he'd actually begun to think he'd finally be able to rest, but then Baylee had bolt into the room with a burst of energy Brian decided was unnatural for the hour and insisted he awaken and start their day. Reasoning with the child had been useless. Baylee had awoken that morning with a renewed sense of energy that did not match the rest of the inhabitants of the household. In fact, Harry was still passed out cold on the couch in the living room by the time Brian ventured down the stairs with his son.
Only once everyone else began to rise and Brian was able to turn Baylee's care over to them did he allow himself to kick his brother off the couch and take his place. Harry had grumbled before disappearing elsewhere and Brian tried to relax where his brother had once been, but the task hadn't been easy. His family moved in and out of the living room, cheerily chatting in between good morning greetings and Baylee's giggles of excitement certainly didn't help the ringing in Brian's ears. The more time that passed and the longer Brian layed there, the worse he began to feel physically. Between the migraine throbbing in his head and the aching beat of his heart in his chest, Brian wasn't sure which was worse. All he knew was that he felt ill, actually felt like it was more than just jet lag and a lack of adequate sleep.
Then, sometime between the changing of Baylee's cartoons and some late morning talk-show, Brian finally drifted to the point that he wasn't aware of anything going on around him. Sleep became a welcomed commodity in that moment and it swallowed his body whole, numbing him and taking over his mind. At first, his sleep was dreamless, just a black void where things were neither wrong nor okay. In that void, Brian simply existed...painless and worry free.
Gradually, the black void began to take shape, molding like pliable clay and smothering smoke. The familiar nightmares became as real as they had ever been and they taunted Brian as he tried to run, tried to hide from the pressing in of his reality. The nightmares called him out by name, forced his eyes open and burned images into his mind he wished he could forget but knew he never would be able to erase the imagery. It was anguish that took over his subconscious and tore at him at a soul shattering level. And not just his anguish either. The anguish of his family and friends. The anger and hatred they tried not to let him see. Brian knew better though and the nightmares told him so. His family and friends blamed him for the destruction slowly taking place in their lives. They would always blame him. They probably always had.
At one point, Brian started screaming as he felt himself sinking beneath a suffocating surface of despair and defeat. He'd clawed at the air as the sensation of falling overwhelmed him, begged and pleaded to God to awaken him and just help him, but he found no such refuge. That's when the laughter started. The maniacal, omnipresent laughter that sounded like it was closing in on him from all sides and told him one day soon he would be gone and no one would care. He would be forgotten as if he'd never existed-
Brian gasped awake abruptly. His eyes snapped open and for several moments he continued to lay there, still on the couch, his bloodshot eyes wildly surveying the living room to assure himself of his surroundings while his heart pounded painfully off rhythm in his chest. It took him a while to get his breathing under control and even longer to force the tension out of his aching muscles and joints. But when he did, his body sagged against the couch cushions and he became aware of the thin sheen of sweat coating his forehead and dampening his hair along his hair line.
Brian almost felt feverish and it was questionable whether he was getting sick or not. He lifted his hands to rub his face and forced his legs to stretch out before dropping his arms listlessly to his sides. There was a soft crocheted blanket covering him from the waist down that hadn't been there before when he'd fallen asleep. Brian couldn't be sure who had been kind enough to cover him, his mother or Leighanne were his best guesses, but now he had to peel the blanket away before he started to sweat profusely.
The room spun around him a bit as he sat upright and tried to catch his bearings, his mind still reeling from the plague of nightmares. The house was quiet with only the faint sound of Christmas themed music playing softly in the kitchen. That's when the sweet and savory aromas of his mother's cooking reached Brian's nostrils and he inhaled deeply to take it all in with a smile of appreciation. Without a doubt, Brian knew Jackie had been in the kitchen since waking that morning, all in effort to prepare for a large Christmas Eve feast that night. There was a lot that needed done and more than enough people to feed, considering Kevin and Kristin were arriving in town and coming over with Kevin's mother Anne sometime that evening. It would be a nice gathering. The family needed it.
Brian rubbed at the ache in his forehead as he slowly and carefully rose to his feet with every intention to join his mother in the kitchen. She would probably insist he allow her to make him something to eat to tide him over until later and frankly speaking, Brian wasn't so sure he'd be able to argue with her. His stomach was grumbling with his hunger and the nausea from his nerves and stress wasn't helping. However, before Brian could turn in the direction of the kitchen, a child's sharp squealing laughter from outside caught his attention and he turned towards the large bay window in the living room.
The curtains were drawn, but even so, Brian could still imagine the scene unfolding on the other side. Baylee's laughter was obnoxious and full of glee. He sounded so happy and for good reason too, which Brian was more than thankful for. Baylee needed these moments as much as everyone else. When he reached the window, Brian carefully pulled the drapes aside to let a washing of natural light flood into the living room.
It had finally stopped snowing and though the sky was gray with a blanket of clouds that looked as if they'd spit out more snow at any second, Brian thought he could see the sun trying to break through. The landscape surrounding them was covered in sheer white, save for the residential road which had been well cleared by the plows which Brian suspected had been doing a great deal of work throughout the night and into the day. It looked perfect though. Exactly what Brian thought Christmas Eve was supposed to look like, so it didn't really bother him that it seemed the cold spell was far from over.
His eyes shifted to Baylee where his son was currently chasing Harry around the front yard. The little boy haphazardly stumbled over his own steps through the snow as he forced his legs to carry him as fast as possible to catch up to his uncle, a sloppy compacted ball of snow clutched in the glove of his right hand. Brian could see where this was leading. Heck, it appeared Harry could too because his brother raced circles around the child, waving his arms wildly and shouting unintelligibly as if to ward off the impending icy attack. Standing a bit off to Harry and Baylee's right, Brian could see his father tending to a half built snow man, but Harold's attention was adequately snatched by his son and grandson's antics.
Brian couldn't help but chuckle quietly, especially when Baylee finally caught up to Harry and lunged at the man. Unprepared, Harry was knocked right off his feet and hit the frigidly cold ground hard, his eyes widening as a grimace passed over his face. Baylee hollered triumphantly and smeared the ball of snow he was holding against his uncle's face with a devilish grin Brian had to admit he was a little proud of. His brother, on the other hand, didn't appear nearly as impressed.
“Gosh darnit, you little brat!” Harry shouted so loud that Brian was able to hear him through the window. “You just asked for it! You really just asked for it! Pay back time, you runt!”
“I'm not scared of you!” Baylee insisted, but nonetheless, he scrambled off of where he'd planted himself on Harry's chest and with a squeal of terror that betrayed his previous statement, he took off running once more.
Harry was back on his feet in no time and the chase resumed.
“They've been at it like that for over an hour,” a soft amused voice spoke to Brian from behind. He turned to find his mother standing in the living room door way, clutching a steaming mug of hot tea in one hand. She approached Brian slowly and extended the mug to him. “Meanwhile, your father has been working diligently on that snow man Baylee was insistent they all go out and build together.”
Brian accepted the mug of tea from his mother graciously and lifted it to his nose, inhaling the aroma. Chamomile with just the right amount of honey. “Dad doesn't seem to be too butt hurt that he's been left to do all the manual labor himself,” he replied and swallowed a careful sip of the tea.
Jackie wrapped the long button down sweater she wore tighter around herself with a thoughtful glance towards the window where Baylee had just zoomed past in a blur of colors, squealing wildly. “He doesn't mind,” she agreed in a murmur, her lips curled in a smile of adoration. “Your father is happy that you're all here, Brian. I'm certain he'd stand out there all day doing the work by himself if it meant he could spend time with his grandson.”
“Yeah, I suppose you're right,” Brian mustered and swallowed another sip of the tea. It soothed his dry throat and he was thankful for that as he turned to return to the couch. Jackie stopped him though with a hand on his arm and he raised a brow in question. “What?” he asked.
“You should go join them,” Jackie suggested. “Baylee was hoping you would.”
Brian shook his head before he could stop himself from doing so. He forced a tight smile that he hoped didn't reveal too much. “I would, but...I'm pretty exhausted still. It's gotta be jet lag. I think I might just lay down again and close my eyes for another minute.”
Jackie's frown wasn't easily hidden. “Sweetheart, you slept for a long time...”
Brian casually shrugged in response. “What are you talking about? I only slept for maybe an hour or two.”
“You slept for longer than you realize,” Jackie countered as her frown deepened. She glanced towards the clock on the fire mantle. “And not very well by the looks of it.”
“Mom...” Brian groaned and glanced towards the clock too, taking note of the time finally since he first woke up. It was later than he realized, so it was no wonder his mother was a little alarmed. “I just haven't been sleeping well lately and...I barely slept last night. Bay's not even gonna realize I'm not out there.”
“He was begging to wake you up before they went out, but your father told him to leave you be. If you don't think he notices, then you're mistaken.”
“I seem to be mistaken about a lot of things lately,” Brian muttered and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. He stared down into the cup of tea, his interest in it lost. The silence started to accumulate between the two of them and it almost felt thick enough that Brian thought it could be cut with a knife. He could feel the weight of his mother's stare bearing down on him and with it being the last thing he wanted at that moment, it was all he could do to swallow the sigh of annoyance and offer her a faint smile of apology. “I'm sorry, Mom. You'll have to forgive me. I'm just tired.”
Jackie placed her hand against Brian's back and began to lead him in the direction of the kitchen. “You need to stop apologizing for the way you feel,” she quietly replied. When they entered the kitchen, she made Brian sit at the table. “Least of all, you need to stop apologizing to me.”
Brian stared up at her in confusion. “I don't need to be disrespecting you. You taught me better than that.”
Jackie's hands gently began to massage Brian's shoulders. “Everyone reaches their breaking point, my son. You are no exception to that rule.”
Brian smile mischievously in spite of himself. “My mother, a woman of wisdom.”
“It comes from my many years.”
“You're asking for an “Old Person” joke right now...”
“Don't you dare, Brian Thomas. I can still discipline you, just like your brother.”
He chuckled dryly and nodded at the cup of tea, his shoulders relaxing under his mother's massaging hands. “Duly noted.”
“Leighanne is upstairs napping,” Jackie mentioned a moment later when it became apparent once again that the silence was too much. “The poor thing looked just as exhausted as you. Has she been overexerting herself? She needs to be taking it easy.”
“You try telling her that,” Brian mumbled. “Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall.”
“She worries too much.”
“That's her problem.”
“About you.”
“Like I said, that's her problem.”
Jackie removed her hands from Brian's shoulders and lowered herself to sit in the chair beside him. “I worried about your father before I married him. I worried about him after I married him. And I still worry about him to this day. It's part of the commitment. That will never change.”
Brian pushed the cup of tea away from himself and avoided his mother's eyes. “This isn't what I promised Leigh when we became committed on our wedding day.”
“For better or for worse, Brian,” Jackie reminded him. “That is what matters.”
“I'm robbing her of the better, though. This isn't the better that I promised her.”
Jackie inhaled deeply. “You're right...you promised her different, based on your intentions. Have those changed?”
“Have my intentions changed?” Brian frowned as he stared down at his hands. “That's crazy. No.”
“Have her intentions changed?”
“No...” Brian whispered.
“Then Leighanne is doing exactly what she committed herself to do the day she married you,” Jackie asserted and drew herself close to Brian's side, pressing a caring kiss to his temple. She rose to her feet afterward and straightened her sweater, turning from the table. “You missed breakfast and lunch and you need to eat. Let me make you something.”
Brian's eyes trailed his mother's footsteps as she made her way over to the refrigerator. “Mom, you don't have to do that-”
Jackie waived off his argument before it could really come to terms. “Nonsense. This isn't up for discussion.”
Brian didn't respond, only let his shoulders sink a bit in defeat. Part of him felt it safe to assume that his mother would try to force feed him if he even thought about putting up a fight, but even so, he was too tired to do that. And Brian couldn't deny he was hungry either. Starving even. Dinner from the night before had long since left him and his stomach growled at the thought of another one of his mother's home cooked meals. Those had become few and far between over the years.
Grabbing hold of the cup of tea once more, Brian drew it close and lifted it to his lips for a shallow sip. “Leigh asked you to talk to me, didn't she...”
Jackie didn't answer at first and Brian wondered if she had even heard him. But when he looked in her direction where she stood at the stove, he found her eyes meeting his. “She did...and I told her you would talk to me about whatever it is when you are ready to.”
Brian inhaled deeply and nodded slowly. “...I'm ready to talk.”
*****
His hair was still damp from his recent shower as he stood in front of the dresser mirror in the guest room and studied his appearance in the reflection of the mirror. Downstairs, Brian could hear everyone chatting merrily as they waited for him to finish getting ready, the family already gathered to soon head to the church for the evening's Christmas Eve candle light service. Brian couldn't remember the last time he had attended a Christmas Eve candle light service at the church from his youth. It had been a long time and he wasn't sure how much he was actually looking forward to it. But it was tradition, at least it used to be, and his parents had been insistent that they relive the tradition once again on account that the family was all together. Who was he to tell them no?
Kevin and Kristin had arrived late in the afternoon, after finally catching another flight when their first flight in had been canceled. They'd made it just in time for an early supper with Kevin's mother Anne in tow and Brian had silently welcomed the distraction when the attention had shifted from him to his cousin and his cousin's wife, talk of Baby Richardson becoming the main focal point for quite a while. Kevin had tried to engage Brian in conversation, tried to show interest in how he was doing, but Brian shied away from the attempts and excused the rejection simply as not wanting to take away from the moment. He'd smiled and returned the warm hug Kevin offered him and that was as far as the exchange went before supper fell into full swing.
Nobody really noticed when Brian retreated upstairs as soon as supper was finished. He needed the quite time by himself to prepare for the evening's church service, not just mentally, but physically as well. The shower had done him a world of good, awoke him more than he had been and made him feel like he wasn't literally dragging his feet. It made his skin shine a little more and the bags under his eyes less noticeable. Still, Brian's shoulders slumped slightly with his extending exhaustion as he stood there looking into the mirror.
His white dress shirt hung on his thinning figure and showed the weight he had lost more than he cared to admit. Brian's appearance had changed so drastically over the passing months that there was no denying it, so it was no wonder he kept receiving the passing stares of concern from everyone around him. Somewhere along the way, Brian had begun to lose himself and it showed in every way possible. He'd lost the spunk of his demeanor. Even the light in his normally vibrant blue eyes had dulled and seemed...lifeless.
Sighing, Brian slowly began to fasten the buttons of his dress shirt. His mind kept drifting back to the conversation he'd had with his mother earlier in the kitchen and the way he'd laid himself out completely in the open. For once, he didn't hold back. In fact, he said more than he wanted to, but by the time he opened his mouth to start talking, Brian found himself unable to stop. Jackie had silently sat at his side the entire time, listening intently as she clutched his hand in both of her own and the tears had glistened in her eyes the way any caring mother's would. All the fear, all of the anxiety Brian had kept bottled up inside for months came flooding out of him. There was no more hiding once the dam was broken. He allowed himself to sit there in the raw and surprisingly it had felt liberating, such a relief. And when Jackie began to cry once he was finished, Brian felt no shame in crying right along with her.
He realized then just how much he still needed his mother.
A quiet knock on the door caught Brian's attention as he reached for the checkered navy blue tie he'd placed on the top of the dresser a little while before and as he draped it around his neck, he just as quietly called out. “Come in.”
The door opened and the kind face of his beloved Aunt Anne peeked inside. “There you are, my dear,” she greeted with a soft smile.
Brian couldn't help the smile that curled his lips. “Are they threatening to send out a search party?”
The amusement shone in Anne's eyes. “Not quite yet,” she replied. “May I come in?”
“Of course,” Brian chuckled with a nod.
Anne saw herself into the room and shut the door behind her. “Well look at you,” she said as she shuffled over to him. “All handsome as always.”
Heat crept into Brian's cheeks as he looked in the mirror again and began to fuss with his tie. “A biased opinion from my biased aunt,” he countered, his smile still lingering.
Reaching him, Anne's hands lifted to lightly push Brian's away. “Let me help you,” she murmured.
Brian's arms dropped to his sides without argument. “Thank you...”
“I may be biased, but you always have looked rather handsome in a suit and tie,” Anne stated as her hands calmly fixed the tie the way it was meant to be.
“Haven't felt much like that these days,” Brian mused.
“Such is a matter of opinion, is it not?” Anne asked as she tightened the tie comfortably around Brian's neck.
“I suppose I can't argue that,” Brian nodded, his eyes flitting to the mirror to watch his aunt's hands work.
“There,” Anne spoke up again a moment later once she was satisfied. Straightening the collar of Brian's shirt, she took a step back. “That will do.”
Brian held his arms out to his sides, his brows raised in question. “How do I look? Do I have your approval?” he grinned sheepishly.
“Hmmm...” Anne drawled, the corners of her mouth twitching slightly with the rise of another warm smile. “Tuck in your shirt, young man, if you want to be presentable.”
“Yes, ma'am,” Brian chuckled and did as he was told, carefully tucking the bottom of his shirt into his dress pants. When he was finished, he reached for his watch on the dresser to fasten it onto his wrist. “How are you, Aunt Anne?”
Anne lowered herself to sit on the foot of the bed. “I am even better now that I am getting to spend time with my favorite nephew.”
“Don't go telling Harry that,” Brian winked and focused his attention on his reflection in the mirror in an attempt to tame his still damp wild hair.
“It is just nice to have everyone here for the holidays,” Anne explained with a thoughtful nod. “It's been too long.”
“Yeah, it has,” Brian mustered just above a whisper.
Anne patted the spot beside her on the foot of the bed. “Come sit down for a moment, dear.”
Brian relented with a short nod and claimed the spot next to his aunt. For a while, they sat there in silence, a comfortable silence at that that allowed them to hear what was going on downstairs. Baylee could be heard giggling wildly as he attempted to tell one of his “famous” jokes and Jackie could be heard reprimanding Harry for something or another. It almost sounded dysfunctional at best, but Brian wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It appeared Anne felt the same when she looked up at him. Then she tilted her head to the side, her eyes studying Brian carefully like she wanted to say something. He stared back at her in question before the stare became too uncomfortable and he brought his eyes down to his hands.
Anne placed her hand gently on her nephew's back. “A full mind will only do you more harm than good. Sometimes you just have to let it go and give yourself a break, even if just for a short time...”
“...And trust the direction the wind blows,” Brian finished for her with a knowing nod. He'd heard her say it before.
“Yes,” Anne replied firmly, though her tone was still soft and her hand gentle as it rubbed Brian's back.
“A wise woman once told me that...” he trailed and returned his attention to her, fighting a smile. Her matching smile warmed him a bit on the inside.
“That wise woman has had a few years to understand that very thing herself,” she replied.
“I'm trying, Aunt Anne,” Brian suddenly whispered, his voice cracking. “I really am.”
Anne's hand stilled against his back. “You can only do so much, dear. No one expects any more from you.”
“What if I expect more from myself?”
“Then you may be expecting too much.”
Brian cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, you're right.”
“The weary who can admit to such are also wise,” Anne stated and leaned in to affectionately kiss Brian's cheek. “You are loved, Brian. You should not forget that.”
Brian inhaled deeply and opened his mouth to answer her, but before he could get the words to come out, the door to the room was thrown open and Baylee burst inside with a gasping breath. He stumbled a bit before righting his footing and hurried over to the bed with an exaggerated grin of excitement.
“Daddy!” he stated with a giggle. “Mommy says it's time to go!”
Brian ruffled his hair and started to reach for his shoes. “Mommy needs to learn some patience.”
“Her said you are handsome enough,” Baylee answered with a mimicking wag of his finger. “Now lets go.”
“You are quite the handsome one yourself, young man,” Anne said as she rose to her feet and brushed her hand against Baylee's cheek.
Baylee nodded proudly. “Just like my Daddy.”
Brian stood as well once his shoe laces were tied. “That's right, buddy.”
“C'mon, Daddy!” Baylee growled impatiently as he bounced on his feet. “We have to go!”
His son raced out of the room before Brian had a chance to respond. Shrugging with a chuckle, Brian grabbed his suit jacket and thread his arms through the sleeves. “Sometimes that boy has more energy than he knows what to do with,” he mused and straightened the jacket. Brian offered his hand to his aunt with another sheepish smile. “Shall we...before they send up the real search party?”
Anne placed her hand in his with a comforting smile. “We shall.”
*****
Baylee was finally asleep and Brian welcomed the quiet that had once again settled over the Littrell household. It had been quite the task to get the child to settle down once they'd returned from the candle light service at church and while everyone else seemed to enjoy Baylee's rambunctious energy, Brian had been ready for the calm of the night to come. He wasn't much in the mood for the continued company, so when Leighanne insisted it was time for Baylee to go to bed, he wasn't ashamed to say he was happy to see his disappointed son ushered up the stairs. It had just been too much of a whirlwind activity up to that point.
Now, Brian found himself huddled alone in the cluttered space of his parents' attic, searching for a distraction that would keep his mind occupied until sleep came to claim him. Downstairs, the rest of his family was still gathered around the living room, casually talking amongst themselves as the night began to wear down, but he knew they would be dispersing soon enough. Kevin and Kristin were staying with Aunt Anne, respectively so and Brian couldn't be sure where Harry had disappeared to for the night. All he knew was that his brother had promised to return by morning. And really, who was Brian to question him.
His parents' attic was packed nearly to capacity and Brian found himself wondering just how long it had been since the last time either of them had bothered venturing up there. The stacks of boxes and other storage containers were covered in a layer of dust that was visible under the glow of the overhead lights and his finger left a trail as he ran it absently along the surface of one of the boxes. Brian liked it up there though, away from all of the noise and the attention. In fact, he couldn't remember a visit to his parents' house when he didn't steal away in the attic by himself for a few solitary moments at least once.
Tonight was different though. Tonight he was looking for something specific and he had an idea of where he could find it. Across the cramped expanse of the attic, Brian located a large box with his name written in bold black sharpie lettering. Five simple letters in his mother's familiar scrawl, nothing more. Approaching the box, he lifted it from the boxes it was stacked on and set it on the ground before lowering himself to sit on a plastic crate.
The box wasn't covered in nearly as much dust as everything around him and the flaps were bent and worn from many years of opening and closing. Brian carefully lifted the flaps with his fingers and peered at the collection of memorabilia stored inside, a fond smile curling the corners of his lips. His parents had always managed to show their pride in his accomplishments and that had never really changed, even from the time of his youth and especially through his time as one of the members of the Backstreet Boys. Jackie in particular had done what she could to record each milestone he reached and this box was just one of many that showed it...which was one of the many reasons why Brian, himself, enjoyed sifting through each item it contained whenever he got a chance.
He may have been the one to initially live it, but reliving it made it even more special.
Grabbing hold of a framed group picture that sat on top, Brian lifted it out of the box and blew gently at the dust on the surface of the glass. It barely made a difference and he swiped his hand gently against it as he studied the picture intently. It had to of been taken circa 1995 just by the look of it, not that Brian could place the specific memory of the moment captured. They all looked so young though and in the midst of embarking on the whirlwind changing journey of their life.
Even back then when fame began to take them into its clutches, when their feet were still newly wet in the music industry, Brian wondered if any of them had been able to adequately anticipate just where the road was eventually going to take them. Many a night Brian had laid awake dreaming up the possibilities, but there was no way he could have predicted where the road would lead him, where it would take them all. Never in his wildest dreams would Brian have guessed that he would one day end up an award-winning multi-million dollar pop star known by so many worldwide. Yet there he was, America's typical boy next door turned pop star extraordinaire adored by a very passionate fan base.
Brian chuckled at the thought. It was definitely not what he'd seen happening for himself. Far from it. Granted, music had always held a special place in Brian's heart for as long as he could remember and reflected such when he became involved in the choir of Porter Memorial Baptist church in his hometown of Lexington. God had given him a gift, Jackie would always tell him, and his parents encouraged him to use it accordingly. So the older Brian got, the more he found himself nurturing the idea of pursuing a career in music ministry. However, all of that changed in one day during his junior year of high school and it had been a roller coaster ride for Brian ever since.
He found it funny how life always seemed to follow its own plan. Or rather God had much deeper plans for Brian's life than he was ever able to comprehend for himself.
A throat cleared just as Brian was about to place the framed picture back into the box and he shifted his attention to the attic doorway where he saw Kevin standing there awkwardly. His cousin had to stoop over a bit just to stand in the doorway without his head hitting the top edge of the door frame and it was kind of comical to look at if Brian really thought about it. Smirking lightly, he beckoned Kevin into the attic with a nod of his head.
Kevin stepped forward, his steps carefully calculated to dodge all of the boxes and other items laying about. “Wasn't sure if you wanted any company,” he greeted as he narrowly dodged the jagged edge of a metal clothes rack. His movements were haphazard until he managed to right his posture again and Brian had to stop himself from chuckling audibly towards his cousin's misfortune.
“I wouldn't mind the company,” Brian responded and looked down at the framed picture again. “I figured you, Kristin, and Aunt Anne would be heading home.”
“Soon,” Kevin nodded and tested the durability of a wooden crate off to Brian's left before taking a seat on it. His frown was visible just on the surface as he shifted on the crate. “Mom is exhausted, but Kris can't stop talking to Aunt Jackie long enough for me to get them out of here.”
Brian smirked. “It's the grand ol' gossip hour, Kev. Didn't you know that?”
Kevin chuckled in spite of himself. “I think it's safe to say that's understating it.”
“It's a lost cause to argue such. We're kind of out numbered.”
A mixture of a snort and a chuckle slipped past Kevin's lips as he surveyed the attic thoughtfully with posture that was slightly curved forward and his hands clasped in front of him. His brows knit into a tight line. “It's a mess up here,” he stated bluntly and tapped his foot absently against the floor. “Doesn't look like Aunt Jackie has been up here in years.”
“She comes up here occasionally,” Brian murmured.
“I mean no disrespect to Aunt Jackie, but with all of these knickity knacks?” Kevin motioned to their surroundings with a nod of his head. “She would ace a casting call for the TV show 'Hoarders'.”
Brian shifted his attention back to his cousin with a brow raised. A smirk toyed with the corners of his mouth and he wet his lips before responding. “Did you just say knickity knacks?”
Kevin shrugged. “Yeah, I did. What of it?”
Brian scoffed inwardly. “You still sound like a hick after all these years.”
“Speak for yourself, Mr. Southern Bell,” Kevin replied as he rolled his eyes. “Old habits die hard.”
Brian was still amused. “I guess you're right.”
Kevin leaned closer in Brian's direction in an attempt to get a clear look at what the younger man was holding in his hands. “What's got your attention right now any way? You're gripping that frame like you're afraid you're gonna drop it.”
Extending the frame to his cousin, Brian offered him a lopsided grin. “Remember when this was taken?”
Kevin brought the frame closer to study it. “Wow...” he chuckled and rubbed a hand over his face. “This was taken forever ago.”
Brian's smile was honest and fond. “We all look so ridiculous in those outfits.”
“It was the early nineties,” Kevin chuckled again. “Everyone looked ridiculous.”
“True,” Brian conceded. “But we thought we looked cool.”
Kevin's lips curled into a smirk. “Of course we did.”
“You have to admit there were some questionable clothing choices over the years, though.”
“Yeah, but it's not like we had much choice back then. And...I don't think we really had any time to worry about how we looked. We were told what to do and we just...did it.”
Brian took the framed picture back from Kevin and returned it to the box. “That's because we were being given the chance of a lifetime that most people can only dream of.”
“Life dealt us a lucky hand, huh?”
There wasn't an answer Brian could think of at first as he pulled a black picture album out of the box. “We were blessed,” his voice was quiet as he finally spoke again, his fond smile dimming.
Kevin kept a firm gaze on Brian. “We sure were. We still are.”
Nodding, Brian slowly opened the picture album, but his eyes didn't focus on the first set of pictures he came across. It was more a distraction than anything else. “Would you change any of it?” he asked.
“Would I change any of what?” Kevin tried to clarify.
Brian inhaled deeply, flipping to another page in the picture album. Again, he didn't see any of the pictures that had been carefully laid out. “Our life, the way it's been since, y'know...”
Kevin clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and answered easily. “No, I wouldn't.”
The surprise was evident in Brian's eyes when their gazes met again and for a few moments they just sat there staring back at each other until Brian looked away again. It's not that he really expected Kevin to answer any differently, but it still rendered him speechless all the same and left him in awe. “You wouldn't?”
Kevin shook his head. “No. I mean, sure, there's some things that I wish would have been different. Some things I know more about now that could have helped us out back then, but...I wouldn't change the road we went down or where it led us.”
“Me either,” Brian answered quickly with a firm nod. He shut the picture album and discarded it in the box where he'd grabbed it from. “It's been one Hell of a ride. I've got you to thank for that.”
“It's been one Hell of a ride for all of us,” Kevin agreed.
A heavy sigh passed Brian's lips and he lowered his head as his shoulders slumped. He stared down at his hands, hands that slightly trembled, and he wondered if Kevin was able to see them doing so. “Kev...” he whispered in a voice that cracked and barely projected. Brian could feel the weight of his cousin's stare without even looking at him and it made him uncomfortable and ashamed. Even when Kevin placed a strong hand of support on his shoulder, it didn't make Brian feel any better. “I'm not okay.”
“I know you're not.”
It was a simple statement and yet it spoke millions. Brian could feel the way Kevin's fingers tightened their grip on his shoulder and he nearly crumpled under the touch. There was no doubt in Brian's mind that everyone knew he wasn't okay. How could they not see it? But admitting it out loud, freely and without reserve, was crushing.
“I'm not okay,” Brian repeated, his shoulders beginning to quake. He dropped his head into his hands. “I'm not okay, Kev. I'm not.”
“I know you're not okay, Cuz...” Kevin's voice was quieter than normal. It lacked the bravado that usually accompanied the opening of the man's mouth and listening closely, it threatened to give out before his response was completely spoken. The statement ended on a whisper and silence fell upon them, a silence that was both comforting and taunting all at the same time.
Gradually, Brian gathered his bearings and managed to lift his head from his hands. His eyes were bloodshot from the surfacing sorrow that had his chest tightening and he hesitantly shifted his gaze to Kevin. “I...I haven't been okay for a long time. And I'm scared. I'm scared of what's happening to me. I'm scared of what I know is coming.”
The creases of concern at the corners of Kevin's eyes became more pronounced. “Bri-”
“I don't wanna die.”
Kevin shut his eyes to steady himself, but his hand never left Brian's shoulder. Hearing Brian actually voice his fears openly was a devastation Kevin found himself unprepared to handle, no matter how much he'd known it all along, and it knocked the breath from his chest. Made him sick to his stomach.
Brian's piercing gaze focused on the open box. “This box, it's...it's all I'm gonna become. A stupid box full of worthless memorabilia that's gonna be collecting dust and forgotten up here in this shitty attic once I'm pushing daisies. Forgotten, Kev. Don't you get it?”
Kevin frowned, his grip tightening more without him realizing it. “Worthless? How can you even say that?”
Brian let loose a bitter chuckle, but the sound quickly dissipated and he exhaled a shallow breath that rattled in his chest. “I don't wanna be forgotten.”
Kevin shook his head. “That's not possible.”
“Kevin?”
They both looked towards the doorway of the attic to find Kristin standing there with apprehension, her tired eyes unsure of what she was interrupting. Kevin cleared his throat as an attempt to mask the difficulty he was experiencing. He forced a tight smile at his wife and nodded. “Is everything okay?” he asked.
Kristin tucked strands of hair behind her ear as she leaned against the door frame, resting a hand on her stomach. “Your mom is ready to go home.”
Withdrawing his hand from Brian's shoulder, Kevin slowly rose to his feet. “I'll be down in a moment.”
“Okay...” Kristin smiled softly and departed, disappearing down the stairs without another word.
Kevin turned back to Brian just as his cousin stood also on unsteady feet. “We haven't given up on you yet.”
Brian averted his eyes to the floor. “You should get Aunt Anne home.”
“Yeah...” Kevin mumbled and without a second thought, he pulled Brian in for a tight embrace. “We'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas, Cuz...”
Kevin pulled away and turned, carefully navigating his way through the clutter filling the attic. When he reached the doorway, he paused just long enough to look back over his shoulder at Brian and then he was gone, his footsteps echoing down the stair case.
“Merry Christmas...” Brian whispered to the empty air and dejectedly he sank onto the plastic crate once more, returning his head to his hands.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Another chapter, which means so far so good. Thanks much for the feedback I received with my comeback. I'm glad you guys are still enjoying this story.:)
