I heard the sound of the door opening and closing, and glanced up to see my cousin walk in, obviously calmer than he was earlier. His eyes were a bit red, as if he was sitting outside and crying, but other than that he seemed really calm. I buried my face back in my hands, still ashamed to face him.

There was nothing but silence for the longest, until I felt someone sit down right beside me. I didn’t even need to look up to see who it was, I knew it was him.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, not bothering to look up from my hands.

Again, I was greeted by more silence. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.” finally came a response. “But I’m um… I am sorry for calling you an immature prick.”

I shook my head, “Don’t be… I deserved it, because that’s what I am.”

“C’mon Kevin, don’t do this… you know we both tend to say things we don’t mean when we’re caught in the heat of the moment. I didn’t mean what I said, just like you didn’t mean what you said to AJ. Just accept the apology man.”

I nodded, finally looking up at him, allowing him to see the tears that were threatening to pour from my eyes. “I accept. Are you gonna accept my apology?”

“Like I said, I ain’t the one you should be apologizing to…”

“No, I owe not only AJ an apology, but both you and Howie… my actions not only affected him, but both of you as well, and for that I am sorry… just accept it.”

Brian looked over at me and smiled, causing me to smile back. “I forgive you Kev.”

I placed a reassuring hand upon his knee, grasping it lightly as I continued to stare at him, grinning all the while, glad that I was one step closer to getting things back to the way it needs to be.

I pushed myself up from where I sat and made my way towards the door, fishing my car keys out of my pocket.

“Where you going?” Brian asked confused, he remained in his seat.

I glanced back at him as I opened the door, “I’m gonna bring AJ home.” and with that, I walked out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I pulled up to his house, parking right behind his SUV. I slowly got out, all the while staring at the dark house in front of me. A sickening anticipation grew with every step I took towards the house; what would I say to him? Sorry for being an asshole? Sorry for calling you an immature prick? I didn’t even give my mind time to think up something to say because the next thing I know, I’m standing in front of his door, preparing to knock.

I took a deep breath in and began to tap my knuckles on the wooden door, falling silent to wait for an answer. When I didn’t hear anything, I continued to knock. “Alex…” I called out, hoping that would get him to open the door, but again there was nothing.

A sense of sadness and concern rushed through me, was he not answering because he didn’t want to face me yet or because something happened to him? Whatever the case was, I just knew that I had to get in there. I reached out for the doorknob, about to jiggle it, but as soon as I turned it the door popped open. Slowly, I pushed the door further open, greeted by darkness.

“Alex?” I called out again, looking down at the ray of light that was peering into the house from behind me. The light revealed to me shards of glass that littered the floor, along with scattered papers and broken objects.

I quickly walked into the house, worried that something may have happened, and if something did happen to him, it would be all my fault. My heart dropped when I noticed bloody hand prints on his wooden floor.

“Alex!” I nearly shouted this time. I continued walking through the darkness, blindly searching for him. Worst case scenarios began flying in and out of my head. Was he knocked unconscious? What if I found him dead? Is he even here?

I whirled around when I heard whimpering coming from behind me. I stared off hardly into the darkness, seeing a dark silhouette curled up on the floor. I quickly made my way towards the figure on the ground, “Alex, are you okay?”

I didn’t get a reply, he just continued his soft sobs. “I’m sorry.” he finally whispered.

Hearing him say that made my heart break. I came over here to find him, to bring him home, to let him know that I didn’t mean one word that I said and that I was sorry, but here he was, apologizing to me.

“Hey.” I whispered back, trying to look at him through the darkness. “What are you saying sorry for? You have nothing to apologize about…”

More sobs were released from him, “I couldn’t do it… I didn’t want to remember.”

My brows contorted in confusion, what was he talking about? “You couldn’t do what?”

“I’m just not as strong as you all thought I was…” he slurred out.

Not only was I plain out confused, but I was concerned as well. “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t answer me this time, just continued to sob. I reached out blindly over to the lamp that was on his end table and switched it on, gasping at the sight that was before me.

“I’m sorry.” he cried out, tears cascading freely down his face.

Dried blood was caked on his hands, but it was what was in his hands that caused me to gasp. His eyes were bloodshot and watery, and he was holding an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

“Alex…” I started, shaking my head. “Please tell me you didn’t…”

“I said I was sorry!” he snapped, raising up against the wall and allowing the empty bottle to fall from his hand. “I told you that I couldn’t fucking do it… that I wasn’t as strong as you all thought I fucking was!”

At that moment, I felt tears pricking my own eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re not strong enough… you were able to hold it off all this time.”

He began shaking his head, “But not this time Kevin… I didn’t want to remember. Call me a fucking coward, say I’m dead to you again… because this time you’ll be right about every single fucking thing you say.”

I felt the tears trickling down my cheeks now, it hurt me to see him falling apart all over again right before me, and I felt there was nothing I could do this time. “What didn’t you want to remember?” I asked him after a long moment of silence.

He began shaking his head again vigorously, “I don’t want to remember it Kev… please don’t make me remember it.”

“I won’t.” I whispered to him, completely at a loss at what to do. “But you didn’t have to do this…”

Before I could react, he grabbed the empty Jack Daniels bottle that was still near his hand and threw it at the wall. I jumped when I heard the bottle hit the wall and shatter.

“That’s my life Kevin!” he screamed at me, no longer slurring. “Shattered and broken… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore… but that’s just it Kevin… I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.”

He buried his face in his hands, and all I could do was sit there and watch the tears seep through his fingers. I didn’t bother to wipe away the drops of salty water that stained my cheeks, nor did I do anything to stop it from falling.

All of a sudden he snapped up from the ground, faltering as he tried to compose himself. I stood up as well, standing before him. “Say it Kevin.” he shouted, giving me a hard shove. I stumbled a bit, but held my ground, not saying anything, not backing down. “Tell me I’m weak, tell me that I’m nothing but a fucking coward… tell me that I’m dead to you and that you hate me.”

I didn’t say anything; just continued to stare at the broken man before me, hoping he could read my tears. He shoved me again, “Tell me that I’m nothing to you… tell me that I don’t deserve to be here…” he began to bawl at my silence. “Tell me something Kevin.”

His knees buckled, but before he was able to collapse to the ground, I caught him within my arms, slowly lowering both he and I to the ground. I kept my arms wrapped firmly around his smaller form, allowing him to cry on my shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay.” I whispered to him.

“NO!” he bellowed, trying to pull out from my arms. He began pounding his fists into my chest, trying to shove me away, trying to do whatever he could to get me to release him. “Don’t tell me that… don’t tell me it’s gonna be okay Kevin.” he cried. “I’m not okay.”

The more he tried to escape my grasp, the tighter I held onto him. This wasn’t him talking, this wasn’t Alex. He continued fighting against me, but I refused to let him go, I left him the first time, but this time I wasn’t going anywhere. When he realized this, he fell limp within my arms, continuing to sob relentlessly.

We stayed there for the longest, nothing was said, just the sounds of our weeping was all that was heard. He finally pulled away from me, staring at me with his dark eyes, tears glistening within them. “Look at me.” he whispered, holding out his bloodstained hands in front of him. “I’m broken and I can’t be fixed… not this time Kevin.”