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I decided to call a ten minute break, being in that studio was beginning to be too much for me. I stepped out back and pulled my pack of cigarettes out from my pocket. I shook one of the sticks out and placed it in my mouth, lighting it and taking a long, deep drag. I held the fumes in my lungs for as long as I could, finally releasing my breath and watching as the puff of smoke wisped away, there goes my stress.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… AJ McLean, what a freaking asshole! Look, I don’t mean to be so harsh and cruel towards them, I was actually really glad for seeing all of them, or at least three of them once again. But, therein lies the problem… deep inside I was screaming with joy, outside I was quite nonchalant. There’s no use in trying to explain myself, why I am the way I am because first of all you probably heard about a million of times from us that we all changed, and second of all there’s no reason or excuse.

I was brought back to reality when I heard the back door open, Nick decided to join me outside. Right there and then I wanted to just embrace him in the tightest hug I could muster, start over and give a real proper “good to see you” greeting, but I couldn’t bring myself around to doing just that. So, what did I do? I pretended as if I didn’t even notice he was there, and just continued to smoke my cigarette.

When he realized that I wasn’t going to acknowledge him, he took it upon himself to say something. “What are you doing out here?”

I tried to suppress the chuckle that rose in my throat. I swear, was this kid naturally blond or just naturally stupid? I took another drag of my cigarette. “Smoking a cancer stick.” I said while exhaling the smoke to emphasize my point.

Nick laughed, catching on to my “cancer stick” comment. Whenever Kevin saw either me or him smoking, he’d always go “Do you honestly want your guys cause of death to be from cancer sticks?”

“Am I bothering your smoking session in any way?”

I shook my head as I released a lungful of smoke, “Don’t mind the company at all. But to what do I owe the pleasure?”

He shrugged, “I just can’t stay in there for some reason.” You and me both brother. “It’s just not the same, ya know?”

“Don’t I know it?” I replied. I looked down at my cigarette, in which I was almost half way done smoking, but I offered it to Nick. “I would give you another one, but this is my last.”

Nick only smiled and graciously took the ‘cancer stick’ away from me. He began to smoke the remains as I situated myself against the wall. “Do you think…” he started, but then paused.

I glanced over at him, wondering why he had just stopped mid-sentence. “Do I think what?”

“Do you think what we’re doing is… right? Regardless of the contract, I just don’t feel right being here, especially without Kevin. I feel pushed to do this, and it’s like they didn’t even take into consideration… what we went through.”

He was hesitant to mention anything about our incident. None of us really said anything to each other about it, only to our shrinks. I honestly tried to avoid it at all costs; when I was with the guys and it was brought up (which there were very rare occasions) then I’d either always find my way out of it or try to change the subject. But, when I’m with my shrink, I open up to him about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

“Do you still see your shrink?”

Nick gave me a weird look, “What?!”

“Do you still see your shrink?”

He fell silent for a while, he knew what I was doing, which, I could tell, irritated him. “No, I don’t still see my shrink, I have no purpose to do so.”

“I still see my shrink.” I mumbled.

“Okay, but what does that have to do with me?”

“Nick, I’m able to tell my psychiatrist everything, and I mean everything! Whenever my session is done, I feel a lot better, like all the burden that has been placed upon my shoulders had been lifted off. Imagine how you’ll feel once you start utilizing your shrink once again.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, all I did was ask you if you think what we’re doing is right.” I fell silent. “C’mon Jay, you gotta stop running from the past.”

“I’m not running from it.” I snapped. “There’s just no sense in living in the past.”

“No one’s asking you to relive it. Every time we mention ‘something’ about what happened, your always changing the subject.”

I fell silent again. Nick was right, I am running from the past, along with everything else. “I don’t feel right…” I finally replied. “it doesn’t feel right at all.”

Nick continued to stare at me, not saying a word. He took one last drag of the cigarette and threw it down, grounding it into the ground with his shoe. “C’mon,” he said, exhaling the smoke. “Lets finish up.”