Chapter Six: Internal Torment
We walked into the next room and she looked at me almost worried at what I might say to her. “Dani…what happened…”
“It was nothing Nick, don’t worry about it.” She interrupted avoiding all eye contact.
Nothing?!? That’s what she thought it was? God this is so not fair. “No it wasn’t nothing, not to me…not to you either.”
“How do you know that? Don’t tell me what I feel and what I don’t feel Nick!” She exclaimed getting mighty defensive awfully quick.
I moved closer to her pinning her between a wall, and me “Then why did you kiss me if it meant nothing to you?”
“Because it did mean something at the time but you made it clear that you didn’t want me. Apparently you just want to be friends.” She replied breaking away from me.
I sighed grabbed her arm. “I only stopped because I didn’t want to take advantage of you okay?! I respect you more than that to just use you to get laid.” I explained.
She shook me off, “Whatever Nick, can we please just forget it ever happened. I do want to be friends and it was purely a moment of weakness on my part.”
Fuck…be weak let me be with you come on now! I respected her, why do I have to be the one relegated to friendship?!
“I’m sorry for coming on to you like that Nick, and I do appreciate you not taking advantage of the situation. You’re a really great friend to me.”
I wasn’t trying to be a friend; I was trying to show you I respect you enough to make sure you’re sober before you have sex. “No it wasn’t like that, I wanted…”
“It’s okay Nick you don’t have to flatter me with lies about how you wanted me.”
I sighed and shook my head, goddamn was she stubborn. Not willing to even admit that a guy just might be attracted to her. Whatever, maybe eventually I’ll be able to break her of this habit she has. Call it false modesty but it’s pretty fucking genuine it’s like she doesn’t even realize how I react to her when she’s around? I’ve tried to make it pretty obvious that I really feel something for her.
But then again sometimes the hardest thing to see is the thing closest to your face.
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I watched her move around the room calmly and coolly instructing us on how to position for the photos. Not once did she break her role of photographer. Every once in a while, though, we did make eye contact she’d smile then avert her eyes. It almost got to the point where it was fun our little game of cat and mouse. But honestly resisting every urge to violate her in front of my bandmates was becoming more and more difficult to ignore.
I knew this week wasn’t my week that was in three weeks time. This one was Howie’s; a lot of it were pictures of him and Leigh or him at the band rehearsals so I did really see a lot of Dani but she ignored me for the most part unless it was for the group shots of the day.
She’d made a deal with the record company to have shots ready every day of the group of us for the website and then at the end of each week a photo story detailing the week through one of us. However, when the four weeks are over…she’s going to leave for a month and let her assistant Marie take over while she goes on a vacation with Raelynn.
A whole month without seeing her. I go a few hours and it drives me crazy. But a month…that’s going to be an experience in itself. But there are moments where it’s just Dani and I in a room and it just goes by way too fast. We start to talk and then someone barges in wanting or needing something or someone. Usually it’s Marie her assistant.
Marie’s a sweetheart, a total nerd but a kind person. A few years ago I would have completely ignored her but now with being older and not having my head so far up my ass it’s nice to meet a level headed intelligent girl. And she’s a huge rocker. Always wearing a Rolling Stones shirt, Sex Pistols, Led Zepplin, etc. I’m surprised her and AJ haven’t hit it off. But then again AJ found love again. A nice makeup artist (more specifically my makeup artist) Marley. Marley is hilarious. For the longest time I thought she preferred the fairer sex but apparently she’s straighter than I thought.
She’s like my therapist always wanting to help me talk out my issues when she’s doing my makeup for a shoot, or a show. And yeah it’s not something I enjoy wearing makeup but it’s necessary to show actual human pigment under the lights. Without it you look so ghostly it’s kinda freaky. But yeah back to Marley, totally not what I envisioned for AJ.
Speaking of…Marley walked into the room and grinned at me. “Hey slugger what’s up?” She asked using a nicknamed I’d earned on my solo tour.
“Not much just…”
“Pining over your hot photographer?” She replied with a grin.
I roll my eyes at her and give her a slight shove in the shoulder. “You’re mean.”
“Hey at least you’re friends with her though. Hell back in the day I would have been completely flattered to hear that you liked me.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah well that was during my lesbian phase. When I was in college I went through this whole experimentation thing and I actually called myself a lesbian. But then I realized labels aren’t good. I’ve had relationships with men and with women and we all have similar problems.”
I gave her an odd look, “Well I can’t say anything about having relationships on both sides of the spectrum but I’ll take your word for it.”
She chuckled at me and leaned in a little, “She likes you though…she wouldn’t be pushing you away or staring at you when you’re not looking if she didn’t.”
“Huh?” Okay now that had me stumped yeah she may have kissed me when she was drunk but she was drunk girls do a lot of stupid shit when they’re drunk.
Case and point…Girls Gone Wild
Marley smiled and sighed, “So dumb sometimes, watch her even when you don’t think she’s looking at you just watch her but be subtle about it.” She explained as AJ came walking in the room.
“Making moves on my girl?” AJ said mocking jealousy.
She grinned and went over to him, “Honey come on Nick? Ha, too blonde for me.”
I laughed a little and shrugged, “She doesn’t know what she’s missing.” I retorted joking back. I loved being able to talk to Marley like that and have a good banter but nothing ever come of it. She’d become one of my closest friends and I’d been hoping that we would become friends. When I first met her in 2002 she was completely uninterested and I loved it. Finally ONE woman who didn’t want me.
So what changed?
Well first of all no offense to Marley, she’s great and all but Dani just God, totally blows her out of the water to me. Marley is the great girl you talk to about everything, and you listen to her ramble about everything. You learn a shit load about the opposite sex that way. More so than what my sisters ever showed me.
My sisters…the most conflicting bunch I’ve ever met. Bobbie, the consummate wild child is always doing something to try to piss me, mom and dad off. Most of the time its because we’re the authority figures. Angel is the consummate goody goody always doing something to impress us. Though she has her moments but really all she does is look for acceptance. Leslie on the other hand the one who doesn’t really seem to give a flying fuck what our family thinks about her life really is just looking for some attention from Dad. He never really paid much attention to her growing up and that’s kind of made her love starved. She’s absolutely a sweetheart but she’s bitter and doesn’t like to let people in.
Which leads me to Dani. She’s closed off for the most part. You can totally tell she doesn’t like to let a man into her heart. But maybe over these next few weeks the boys can soften her up a bit for me. They can show her how amazing their relationships are and maybe she’ll see that it’s not THAT difficult to be with someone like me.
It’s Howie’s week this week, AJ’s next and then lastly Brian’s maybe seeing them happily paired off will help me in my situation. And then when it’s my week I can show her how good of a man I can be for her.
Sounds like a good plan right?
I think so….let’s just hope this works.
Author's Chapter Notes:
YAY another update! If all goes well I hope to update AS as well today woohoo!
