“Rehab”
Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell,
It was love from above
That could save me from hell…
She had fire in her soul,
It was easy to see,
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me…
“Into The Night” by Santana and Chad Kroeger
Chapter Four: Shades of Gray
Sitting on the beach, my toes felt the cool water wash over them. Ever since I was little, I loved the ocean. The freedom in it. The consistency. Always changing yet not, always there, something dependable. I used to dream of escaping somehow into the ocean. That was when I was a kid though, and didn’t know better. I saw the black bug pull up some feet away. I was bringing a fucking child into the world. I hate to admit this shit, but I knew Kayden wasn’t lying. The first time she told me. Even with her fucking recent history. I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. I ain’t cut out to be a damn parent. Have any of y’all seen my mother Jane fucking Carter? Woman’s a damn loon, and yet I want her to finally accept my ass as a son. Twisted shit. My dad? Even fucking worse. I ain’t the parent type. I know it.
But I can’t fucking abandon Kayden. I saw what not having a dad fucking did to her growing up. Could I do that to our own unborn child? I’m selfish as fuck, and I like being that way, but I do have a damn soul. I can’t do it. Which is why I’m here. We gotta talk this shit out.
I ain’t some angel, but I ain’t the devil either. I’m just going to hell is all. Not every damn thing is black and white ya know?
She waddled her way over here, munching on some pickle; it’s about five in the evening. I had to call earlier and find out what time we were freaking meeting. The sun was setting on the waves as she very slowly got herself to sit beside me. Looked difficult. Glad I ain’t a woman, lemme tell ya.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” Her tone was colder and it pissed me off. I’m trying to be fucking civil ya know.
“You sound so damn pleased to be here.”
“Give me a reason why I should be.”
Point for Kaydee. There was no damn reason. Something made us stuck together for a lifetime now and neither of fucking wanted it. But it ain’t the kid’s fault. But I wish it wasn’t her. Fucking hell I do.
“I’m gonna stick around.”
“Really.”
“Yeah I ain’t gonna let this kid grow up without a father. I may fucking get sick when you’re around, but I ain’t gonna let her grow up like you did. Not knowing, wishing she had one. It ain’t fucking right.”
A look of surprise appeared. Damn bitch gives me no credit does she? “That actually means a lot. That was why I came to tell you AGAIN.” She emphasized, reminding me of how I fucking denied it before. I have a feeling I’ll never live that shit down. Bitch can hold a grudge. “Cause I wanted her to have the chance of knowing her father, it’d be up to you to not know her.”
I watch her take off her shoes and socks like I had, letting her feet rest in the water as hell. Her ankles looked swollen and sore from pregnancy. Bags are under her eyes, and it’s fucking obvious this whole thing is getting to her. Can Kayden handle being a mom? I never fucking knew, and I don’t know now. Well, we’ll fucking see won’t we? Can’t be worse than Britney Spears, who after losing custody of her kids to Kevin Federline of all damn idiots, drove her off a bridge with Paris Hilton in the passenger seat just a two months before. Both died, and as sad as it was, Britney Spears couldn’t exactly parent. So the kids are better off with their dad. I was at Paris’ funeral, she fucked me over bad, but I did love her once. I loved her more than all than one other person in my life. But she fucked me over bad, taught me how fucking people really are. How fucking love is just a damn joke in today’s world, especially in Hollywood.
I’m fucking going off to avoid the shit bugging me now. Fucking hell.
“Any names picked yet?”
The anger slowly faded from her eyes. I’m shocked as hell. Funny how once I was the one to always calm her ass down. Now I’m the one to make her fucking explode. But the baby calming her, just by thoughts of her? Who knew?
“I have a few ideas, but I wanted suggestions from you. Just didn’t think you’d be interested. But I like unique names. Like maybe Tempest.”
“Tempest.” Fucking girl was psycho if she thinks my kid is getting named that.
“Or something maybe not as out there. I like Fury, or Phoenix.”
I watched the ocean. “I like something like Melody.”
“You would.”
“What’s that supposed to fucking mean?”
“With your obsession with music, you would want a music related name.”
“Oh like naming her Tempest is any better.”
“Oh fuck off.”
“You wish I would, cause you’d love to watch right?”
“You’re disgusting.”
“But it’s not a damn lie is it?”
“You’re asking for your ass to be kicked.”
************
I swear to god, we’re not fighting about a damn name are we? Fuck a duck! This is sad. If I wasn’t so damn comfortable by this ocean, my ass would’ve gotten up and left by now. But pregnancy is tiring, making me lazy as a bum. That’s my reason and I’m sticking to it dammit.
“I’d like to see your fat ass try.”
“You already have a nice shiner Carter, you sure you can handle a second?”
“It was a fucking lucky shot you fucking wanna be man.”
“Fucking disease.”
He ignored that, I guess cause he went right back to names. “What about Jean.”
“She’d end up named after you.” No way in hell. I have my limits. I watched the sky turn slowly red, the water tingeing from the fading light above. The wind blew gently around us with only the slightest touch of winter hinting at its future entrance. I could feel my hair try to cover my eyes like a golden curtain. It would be almost romantic. Shame I’m here with Nick. Yes I called him that instead of asshole. I need to remind myself of that. History shouldn’t repeat itself, it wouldn’t be fair.
“Something wrong with that idea? And I like that name on a girl.”
“It’s alright, but there’s tons of things wrong with that idea.”
I jerked when his hand touched my shoulder, shifting away. It feels so wrong for him to lay even a finger on me now. Too much chaos and destruction lay behind us in our history. I can’t stand him, and yet I’m here, not knocking him out. I blame those damn hormones. They fuck with your emotions worse than PMS can ever dream of doing to a girl.
“Where are you staying?”
“With Melz, remember her?”
“She still teaching?”
“Yeah.”
Now we’ve hit awkward small talk. A step backward to a leap forward, who the hell knew that could happen. But I know it won’t last long. I won’t let it and neither will he. To do that, we’d have to forget all the betrayal, all the fucked up shit between us. I can’t do that. I’ve been fucked up, jaded, and all by a man I thought was the one I could trust above all others. How the hell can anyone forget that? I can’t. Now I’m expected to deal with him for years to come, for my lifetime. A life born cause of both of us. By a man I now can’t stand.
I used to always want him around. But, nothing is ever as it used to be, nothing will be how anyone remembered it. Light can turn to bitter darkness. And then, there are those rare moments you stumble into that shade of gray. Where it’s not one or the other. Confusing as fuck moments that you know won’t last, before everything goes black again. It never goes back to white, because gray is still tainted.
1999...
The year of her graduation, the year Nick Carter, along with the Backstreet Boys, became mega superstars in teen pop music. Yet, Kayden was at her graduation alone. Her mother had to work to keep up what little money they had. She had no other family really, and many looked down upon her for her poverty. Sure she was friends with a popstar, and most would have instant popularity. So would she, had she not called them all “fake ass bitches” wanting her only for that. Kayden, trusted few people.
So she sat in the audience, donned in her sky blue cap and gown. The only time she willingly wore a dress, and only cause she wanted her diploma. It was requirement to be formally dressed under the gown. So even calling the dress donning willing, is quite the stretch. Yet this was a big day for her. She had gotten a journalism scholarship to cover her tuition. She was graduating with honors even. Her hair was curled neatly around the base of her neck, and she was here to prove that even with nothing, she could be something. Like her best friend had.
And no one was here to cheer when her name was called. Nick was supposed to be preparing for his big tour. Ever since “I Want It That Way” hit radio stations, he could barely go anywhere without a disguise. His workload tripled, and she barely saw him. Sure she got phone calls, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was like it was when they were ten and eleven. Now she’s eighteen, him nineteen. Both adults, and as such, she guessed things had to change. It hurt was all. Not that she’d admit it. She’s Kayden, seen as a bitch and tough, someone to reckon with if you messed with her.
When her name was called, she stood with false pride. Plenty to be proud of, no one to be proud for.
That was when she heard it.
Two men, standing in the crowds, cheering their loudest. Nick, who was wearing sunglasses but she’d know that bowl styled curtain hair cut anywhere. She often teased him about it. Beside him was Kevin, a man who over the years, became the missing male figure in her life after meeting her and Nick. Nine years older, he made sure he watched over the blonde duo when he was around. At that she grinned, standing tall, shocked beyond belief that they managed to come. As she got handed her diploma, she knew she’d be okay. As long as she was never alone.
After the ceremony, she raced out into the parking lot, leaping onto Nick’s back. He caught her with a grunt, able to hold her with his tall 6’1” frame, having sprouted over the past two years. She grinned at Kevin who hugged her as she held on to Nick, piggy backing as they walked. They had to know she walked here, having no car.
“How…why??”
“Kayden, we couldn’t miss this.” The southern drawl that could only come from Kevin replied, ruffling her hair after taking off her cap.
“C’mon Kaydee, you really thought I wouldn’t be here?” He glanced back at her, shooting a grin that had just become infamous around the world that year.
“I dunno, you said you couldn’t…tour rehearsals, album promo…”
“So we could surprise ya. You’re Kaydee, I’m always gonna be here for ya…”
That had been the year of Millennium tour, which I got to go with them for some of before college. That was when it was pure white. Carefree fun that came with crazy fame that followed them. If only his words had remained true. Of course they hadn’t, as you fucking know.
When it was white, life was good. Almost perfect, sure there was a tiny dark spot then, but it was good enough. Nothing is fucking perfect. But, compared to now…
“Why the fuck are you spacing so much? Two days and both damn times I see you in lala land. You on fucking drugs or is it the damn pregnancy. You fuck up MY KID and I fucking swear Kayden Ann Jamison-”
“Your kid. You just accepted that fact fucking today?! And what kind of fuck-up do you think I am. I’ve been taking damn good care of myself, for my daughter. I’m just scared of what having YOU for a father will do to her.”
We can never let the darkness go. Especially me. Nick is a fucking selfish bastard now. All he is now is a fucking man of shadows. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get our shades of gray sometimes. I know I do media journalism, but I do write too you know. I can be deep. I sighed, fighting again the urge to knock him senseless. The anger is strong in this bitch! The shiner made me laugh though. “Thought you wanted to fucking stay civil Carter. Fuck it, I’m gone.” I forced my ass to get back up and walk to my car. Start counting. That’s what anger management bullshit had said back in college. It doesn’t do shit. But I’ll try anything to stand being around asshole.
One…
Two…
Three…
Four…
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was uber-inspired, so I decided to spoil my readers but posting the chapter to give y'all a double update. Enjoy! Reviews are love! hehe.
