Have you ever wondered, why I always keep on coming back for more?
What have you done to me?
I’ll never be the same, I’ll tell you for sure
You really are my ecstasy
~Ecstasy by ATB
“This is crazy,” Leslie breathed in between Brian’s relentless kisses.
He smiled against her lips, running his hand through her silky locks, “I know.”
He gently kissed her, lying on top of her on his dressing room couch. He freely ran his fingertips across her skin, sending shivers down her spine. Her legs loosely squeezed his sides, her lips brushing across his neck. He nibbled the skin on her shoulder, his hands roaming her body.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” she suddenly said, raising her eyes to meet his.
He stared down at her, stopping his movements, his eyebrows furrowing, “Why not?”
“What if someone were to walk in?” she asked worriedly.
He sighed, “Baby, I locked the door.”
She smiled up at him, unable to hide her giddiness. He smiled down at her in response to her blushing cheeks, “What?”
“You called me baby,” she grinned foolishly.
He laughed lightly, kissing her tenderly, “It slipped out I guess.”
“I like it,” she smiled cutely.
He grinned, “Maybe I’ll let it slip out more often then.”
She reached up to meet his lips again, parting her lips to delicately massage her tongue against his. Her arms wrapped around him, pulling him downwards. He breathed out, loving her body pressed against his. She giggled against his lips when his hands touched her sides.
He jerked up, looking down at her, “What, what I do?”
She laughed at his reaction, “It tickled.”
He smiled and began to lean in again, but stopped abruptly when a knock sounded at the door. Leslie gasped, staring up at Brian with large eyes. He quickly slid off of her, allowing her to sit up. She tousled her hair, slightly glancing at the body length mirror on the wall to check for smeared make-up. Brian approached the door, slightly glancing back at Leslie before he opened it a crack. He relaxed when he saw a stagehand, “Yes?”
“10 minutes,” he stated, before rushing off.
Leslie had heard what he said and mumbled, “Shit.”
Brian closed the door, turning to her. His heart sank in his chest as he saw her putting on her stage shoes, “Well this didn’t turn out as planned.”
She got up and made her way over to him, kissing his lips lightly, “We had a nice little make out session didn’t we?”
“It went by so fast,” he watched as she straightened her dance outfit.
She looked over at him sadly, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“What was?” he asked fearfully.
“The dressing room,” she stated.
He relaxed, letting out a relieved laugh. He had been afraid that she thought the entire thing was a mistake. He was afraid she’d want to end it before it ever really began.
He grabbed her and pulled her to him close, hugging her tightly. He breathed in the scent of her hair, closing his eyes. She relaxed into him, wrapping her arms around his frame.
“This is hard,” he said quietly.
She nodded against his shoulder, “I know.” She slightly pulled away, “I have to go though. Caitlin’s probably having a nervous breakdown trying to find me.”
He nodded, watching as she pushed past him. He turned to her, pleading, “Leslie, I need to see you.”
She reached for the door but turned to him, smiling, wanting as much as he did, “Wait in your room at the hotel. I’ll come to you.”
He waited until she left before he pumped his hands in the air, grinning to himself. Her words overjoyed him for many reasons. For one, he would get to spend more time with her, to touch and kiss her. But more importantly, she was obviously not wavering in her desire for him. The fire in her eyes was intoxicating.
She had stayed true to her word and had come to his dressing room already in full costume. He remembered how nervous he had been, thinking that she would change her mind and not come, but when he opened the door and she had stood there smiling slyly up at him, his whole body relaxed. He had invited her in friendly, as a way to announce to the world that it was just an innocent visit, but as soon as he closed and locked the door, he had grabbed her, immediately bringing her lips to his, unable to control his excitement.
He smiled, his lips still tingling. Another stagehand then came banging on the door, screaming on the other side, “5 minutes!”
Brian sighed, quickly slipping on his shoes before rushing out into the hall, the loud rush of noise and chaos greeting his ears. He could hear the muffled screams growing louder as he approached the backstage area. A stagehand rushed over to him and he stopped, raising his arms in the air as she clipped his microphone pack to his back, before handing him the wires to maneuver through his clothing. He slid the microphone behind his ears, the small bud projecting forward in front of his mouth.
He saw Nick, AJ, and Howie getting the same treatment, last minute people tugging at their clothing. He made his way over to the rising platform, waiting for the rest of the boys to congregate around him.
AJ turned to him, “Do you know where Leslie’s been? Caitlin and Charm were going bat shit crazy. They burst in my room like a couple of frantic mental patients.”
Brian glanced over at him, trying his best to act confused, “No idea.”
AJ stared at him skeptically, watching as Brian averted his gaze. Nick had overheard their conversation as a hair stylist ran her hands through his hair for what seemed like the hundredth time.
“They found her,” he announced.
Brian quickly looked to Nick, trying to play the innocent card, “Where was she?”
“Caitlin said she had a headache and went outside to get some fresh air for awhile,” he said, stepping up to stand beside Brian.
Brian nodded, unable to ignore AJ’s eyes boring into him. He glanced at him sideways, finally satisfied when AJ turned to Howie to talk.
Brian knew then that he and Leslie could never meet before shows. It was too dangerous. They hadn’t thought things through, too blinded by their new found excitement. He knew they would have to find other ways to see each other, but he was determined to make it happen.
“15 seconds!” someone screamed from behind.
The band overhead had already begun playing the opening notes to ‘Everybody’, and the screams were intensifying. Brian took a deep breath, saying a silent prayer before the lift sprang to life, slowly elevating them. Brian kept his head down, picturing Leslie in front of his eyes, smiling to himself before he lifted his head, stage lights suddenly falling down on all four of them, the screams piercing their ears. Brian opened his mouth and let his heavenly voice flow out, officially starting the show.
Brian paced his bedroom impatiently, constantly looking towards the door, waiting for Leslie’s knock. His nerves were in overdrive, anticipating the time when she would soon be in his arms again. He stopped suddenly when that much awaited knock sounded. He rushed to the door but tried to contain himself, not wanting to make a fool. He took a deep breath and pulled the door open, the large grin on his face faltering.
“AJ,” he stated, shocked.
AJ raised an eyebrow,“Expecting someone else?”
Brian shook his head, opening the door further, “No, course not.”
AJ followed Brian into the room, closing the door behind him. Brian took a seat on the couch, glancing at the clock, his heart racing in his chest. What if Leslie were to show up when AJ was here?
“What’s up?” Brian asked, trying to contain his obvious nervousness.
AJ plopped down on one of the chairs, looking over at Brian. He studied him for a moment before opening his mouth, “Howie, Leigh, and I were gonna hit up a couple clubs. Want to tag along?”
Brian quickly shook his head, “No thanks, kind of tired.”
AJ nodded, “Just figured you might want to come. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” he replied.
“Everything with Leighanne?”
“As good as they can be Bone,” he said.
“Want to talk about it?” AJ asked, leaning forward.
Brian shook his head, thinking how horrible his timing was, “There’s really nothing to talk about.”
AJ searched his face, unsatisfied with his answer, but having to accept it all the same, “Well, alright, I’m here if you need me.”
“I know man, I appreciate that, but I’m fine, really,” Brian assured.
AJ nodded, getting up from the chair, “You sure you don’t want to come? It’ll be a blast.”
“No thanks, I think I’m turning in early,” he replied, standing up as well, following AJ to the door, trying not to be too obvious about wanting to push him out.
Before AJ left, he turned back to Brian, hesitating with his words before continuing on, “You’re not doing anything bad, are you Rok?”
Brian stopped, forgetting his current situation for a moment, startled at AJ’s words, “What do you mean?”
AJ struggled to find what he wanted to say, addressing the issue tentatively, “I don’t know. You just seem… different lately. Happy.”
Brian laughed, trying to lighten the tension between them, “Happy’s bad?”
“Well, no, but last time I checked you and Leighanne weren’t doing so hot.”
“Maybe not, but things are fine,” he responded.
“How?” AJ pushed.
“They just are Bone,” Brian said exasperated.
AJ nodded, “Alright, sorry for prying. As long as everything’s kosher.”
“Of course they are,” Brian replied, watching as AJ opened the door and stepped out into the hall.
“Catch ya later Rok,” he waved before making his way down the hall.
Brian quietly began to close the door, but decided to leave it slightly open so Leslie could just walk in. He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, falling back into the couch. AJ’s words worried him. He made no clear sign of anything out of the ordinary, but the fact that AJ even asked him if he was doing anything bad, and hoping that everything was ‘kosher’, was telling in itself. AJ had a way of communicating something so innocently, in an attempt to get subtle hints to help assure his own theories.
Brian jumped when he felt hands slide over his shoulders from behind, running down his chest. He relaxed when Leslie’s scent filled his senses and her lips came in contact with his cheek.
“You okay?” she asked, coming around the couch to sit next to him.
He grabbed her hand and raised it to his mouth, kissing her skin softly, “I am now.”
“I came as soon as AJ got in the elevator,” she explained.
Brian smiled at her, “I’m glad you’re here.”
“You look spooked,” she said concerned, resting her hand against his cheek.
He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes, letting her presence relax him, “No, I’m fine. Really.”
“What’d he want?”
Not wanting to worry her, he decided to tell the innocent part of the truth, “Wanted to see if I wanted to go clubbing.”
She smiled and crawled up onto his lap, straddling his legs. He rested his hands on her hips, feeling her warmth radiate towards him. She leaned down and kissed him gently.
He asked quietly after she had pulled back, “What’d you tell Nick?”
“Didn’t have to. He passed out as soon as he hit the sheets,” she smiled.
Though she was smiling, Brian spotted a hint of sadness there. He understood its origin because he felt the same thing; guilt. It felt wrong to be doing this behind Nick’s back, but they felt so out of control of the situation. They felt they couldn’t even stop if they wanted to.
He grabbed her hand and used it as a way to pull her down towards him. He covered her mouth with his, kissing her long and deep. She began to deepen it further, her hands running down his chest and up under his shirt, her fingertips sliding over his skin. He pulled back, grabbing her hands, and looking up into her glowing blue eyes. AJ’s words had affected him more than he initially thought. He wanted her so incredibly bad, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to, not tonight.
“Can we talk instead?” he asked, looking at her hopefully.
She smiled down at him, kissing him quickly, unable to contain her giggles, “Aren’t I the one that should be saying that?” She raised her hand to her forehead, acting faint and helpless, mocking in a baby voice, “Oh honey, I don’t think I can tonight. I have such a huge headache.”
Brian laughed, immediately tickling her sides. She screamed out, her body jerking away from him, falling off to the side, hitting the couch. She laughed hysterically, Brian’s relentless tickles sending her into a fit of giggles, “Stop! Brian, stop!”
He laughed, finally stopping, looking down at her. She tried catching her breath, finally sitting up and glaring at him, “You’re evil.”
“That’s what you get for making fun of me,” he teased.
She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the favor.
“What do you want to talk about?” she asked, cuddling up next to him. He lifted his arm to rest around her, pulling her to him. Her head gently rested on his shoulder and he felt a wave of happiness sweep over him. She felt so right sitting there beside him, her chest rising and falling with his, their bodies in sync.
“Anything, everything,” he whispered.
“You might need to narrow it down love,” she cooed.
Brian smiled, both at what she called him, but also because she was right, “Alright, what’s your favorite flower? I don’t think I know that yet.”
“Lilies,” she stated.
He leaned his head against hers, “Oh yeah?”
She nodded and he continued, “I got another one.”
“Hmm?”
“If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?” he asked.
She was quiet for a moment and for a split second, he thought she might have fallen asleep, her body relaxed against his, her steady breathing pressing against him, until she finally spoke up, “Denver.”
He was surprised at this answer, thinking she would say some exotic island or some place extraordinary, but Denver? He didn’t expect that. He rubbed her arm, kissing the top of her head, “Why there?”
“I haven’t been home in nearly two years. It’s kind of overdue you know?”
“Why haven’t you been home?”
She shrugged, her fingers lacing with his, “Once I started getting gigs, it was just a snowball effect. I haven’t had the time,” she paused before continuing on, “I miss it. LA is so different from Colorado. It’s such a fast paced lifestyle and sometimes I wish I could just be back there to lead a normal life.”
“I know what you mean,” he replied. “When you go, can I come with?”
She raised her head to look at him, “You kind of lack the tall, blonde hair, last name Carter thing that my parents have come to know. Wouldn’t look good would it?”
He frowned, “No, I suppose not," and then added, “Has Nick met your parents yet?”
She shook her head against him, “Not yet. We were thinking about going for Christmas.”
Brian felt a pang of hurt at her words. The way she said we didn’t settle well with him. Nick and her as a we was something he didn’t like thinking about, but the fact that they were planning on taking a trip to Colorado for Christmas upset him more. He tended to forget how deep her relationship with Nick had gotten. He wondered if she cared more for Nick than him, but that was ridiculous. Did it really matter in the end? She was here with him, now. She was deceiving Nick for him. One would think that would be enough, but for some reason, it wasn’t.
“Where would you be?” she asked conversationally.
He ran his fingers through her hair, twirling strands around his fingers, “Besides here with you?”
She laughed lightly, slapping his leg, “Seriously.”
“I am serious,” he said defensively, smiling.
She continued, “Yes, besides here with me.”
“I don’t know. I never think about it. I like going anywhere, exploring new cities, meeting new people. Being a singer, I’ve been blessed to go everywhere that I have ever imagined and actually get paid for it. But if I had to choose, I guess I’d say home.”
“In Kentucky?”
He shrugged, “Not necessarily. LA, Orlando, Kentucky… they’ve all got a place for me, you know?”
“I’ve never been to Kentucky.”
“No?”
“Nope, not a favorite tour stop I guess,” she replied.
He smiled, “No, I guess not. I’d love to take you there someday.”
“I’d like that,” she replied softly.
They sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything, but enjoying each other’s company. Leslie fiddled with Brian’s fingers, lacing them between hers, feeling at ease as Brian’s chest rose and fell against her. She smiled to herself, feeling safe and warm.
“So, slightly off topic but necessary nonetheless, I must know, who was your first kiss?” He asked finally, breaking the silence.
She looked up at him, smiling, “What?”
“You heard me,” he grinned, squeezing her.
“Well, if you must know, Tommy Guilson, 6th grade, in my friend Chelsea’s basement.”
“Ooo, scandalous,” he teased.
“Far from it. It was wet and sloppy and not at all what I expected,” she grumbled.
He laughed, “What were you expecting?”
“What every girl expects! Prince Charming romances you and the first kiss changes your life forever. Fireworks explode, you know, the whole works.”
“Man, I wish those existed, or I wish I was that naïve to believe something like that.”
She slapped him again, laughing, “Shut up, I was 12 years old.”
“I know, I know, I’m joking.”
“Well, what about you Mr. Macho?”
“Uh, can’t remember.”
“Liar,” she laughed, sitting up and poking him in the stomach. “Tell me.”
He shook his head, “Rather not, thanks.”
“Bitch, tell me!”
He laughed, “Did you just call me a bitch?”
She smiled at him sheepishly, “Maybe?”
“Saucy minx,” he purred. She laughed, pushing him away as he leaned in, pawing at her jokingly.
He smiled, “Alright, her name was Jessica, I was 9, and it was cold as hell outside. We were busy making a snowman out in my backyard. She lived up the street from me you see. But, we started this stupid snowball fight and she had run over to the porch, which was made of cement mind you, and I followed, thinking this would be the perfect opportunity to sweep her off her feet you know. She seemed to like me anyway.”
“Uh-huh,” Leslie smiled, waiting for the story to continue.
“So I chased after her and she stopped and turned around, noticing I had come in peace, no snow in hand. And I remember standing there thinking that it was now or never. I had seen it done in the movies, so how hard could it be? So I leaned forward to do it and suddenly my foot slipped out from under me and I plowed my forehead into her nose, falling on top of her.”
Leslie started laughing hysterically and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle himself, “When I landed on top of her, my mouth slammed into hers, and God did that hurt.”
Leslie held her stomach, giggling uncontrollably, “That’s so cute.”
“Cute? Cute!? It was a catastrophe! She had to wear a nose brace for over a month. There was blood everywhere,” he laughed.
“Well, Casanova, you’ve come a long way,” she grinned, leaning in to plant a kiss on his lips.
He sighed happily, pulling her to him again, planting small kisses on her lips.
“But if you ever break my nose, I’ll break your neck,” she warned.
He raised his hands defensively, “I’ll try my best not to break your nose. Or anything else for that matter.”
He paused, running his fingers softly against her cheek, “Come to think of it, ever broken a bone?”
She nodded, “Yup. I was an accident prone kid. I broke my right arm when I was in 1st grade.”
“How?”
“I was in gymnastics, and hated it. Hated it even more after I broke my arm. I was on that stupid bench that’s high in the air, where you have to walk in a straight line… do you know what I’m talking about?”
“I think so?” he added, not completely sure.
She brushed it off, “Anyway, I was walking from one end to the other and I thought I heard someone call my name, so I turned around to see who it was, but they weren’t talking to me, so I turned back around, and while I was turning, I lost my balance and fell on my arm, and CRACK!”
“That sounds terrible,” he said.
“It was!” she exclaimed.
Brian reached over and took her right arm, kissing it gently.
She smiled, “If only you were there to kiss the pain away.”
“If only,” he winked.
They continued to talk for over an hour, laughing over the stupidest things, but enjoying every second they were with one another. There never seemed to be any awkwardness between them, even from day one, and that meant something huge for Brian. He loved talking and laughing with her, and he loved touching and kissing her. He loved everything.
She smiled warmly at him and then looked over at the clock, turning her gaze back to Brian, “Maybe I should go.”
He shook his head, “No, don’t. Stay for a little while more.”
“What if Nick wakes up?” she asked as Brian pulled her into his arms.
She was once again straddling him and he pulled her down for a kiss, “Just tell him you went out for a walk.”
“At 2 in the morning?” she asked skeptically.
He smiled, “Just flash him a smile and he’ll believe anything, especially from you.”
She rolled her eyes, running her fingers through his hair, “I guess.”
“Come on, tell me a funny story,” he urged.
She scrunched up her nose, “I don’t have any funny stories.”
“I don’t believe it. I demand a funny story.”
She sighed, laughing at his pouting face, “Jeez. Fine. I don’t even know if you’ll find this funny.”
“Try me.”
“Alright, so in high school, my senior year, my friend Jen and I went to this club. Big whoop. It was one of those 18 and up nights you know?”
Brian nodded and she continued, “So we’re on our way home and we’re talking, laughing, all that girlie stuff, and all of a sudden, I notice a strong scent of biscuits. At least, I thought it was biscuits, and so being blonde me, I went ‘Mmm, I smell biscuits’, and Jen looked over at me all weird and goes ‘I smell dog food’, and coincidentally, there we were, driving past a dog food factory. We couldn’t stop laughing for ages.”
Brian stared at her blankly and she blushed, putting her head in her hands, “See, I don’t know any funny stories!”
Brian laughed, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that. You thought dog food smelled like biscuits?”
“What?” she laughed, pushing him playfully. “It did smell like biscuits! Until she said dog food, then it was just nasty. She ruined it for me.”
“Oh God, Leslie,” he laughed.
“I have my blonde moments I guess,” she shrugged, smiling cutely.
“Oh, I’m sure,” he joked.
She slapped him lightly, “Shut it Littrell. Besides, I’ve never had a dog, how was I supposed to know what it smelled like?”
“You’ve never had a dog?” he asked in shock.
She shook her head, “Nope, my parents never allowed it. Didn’t want their furniture all messed up.”
“That’s awful though. Every kid should have a dog.”
“Believe me, I’ve wanted one,” she said. “I swore that I’d get one when I moved out to California, but I’m barely home, so those plans kind of went down the drain.”
“What kind would you want?”
“A Corgi,” she replied.
He grinned, “Those little sausage things that the Queen of England is obsessed with?”
“They’re not sausage things! They’re adorable,” she laughed.
“Alright, I’ll give it to you there. They are cute. I just can’t believe you’ve never had a dog.”
“Thanks for rubbing it in,” she joked.
“Anytime babe,” he grinned.
She smiled again, leaning down to kiss him, “You know, you’re pretty fun to be around.”
“Am I?” he asked innocently.
“You are.”
“Well, so are you,” he replied, rubbing her thighs gently.
She bit her lip, glancing down at his hands, and then up into his eyes, “Maybe we can do this again sometime?”
“I’d like that very much,” he responded softly.
She leaned down and planted another kiss on his lips, “I really think I should get back.”
He nodded, his voice turning sad, defeated, “Okay.”
She slid off of him, waiting for him to get up before she made her way to the door. She turned to him, looking up into his eyes, “Brian?”
“Yeah?” He grabbed her hands, squeezing them gently.
“Are you going to regret this?” she asked, looking up at him with worried filled eyes.
He wrapped her in a hug, pulling her close, “No. I could never regret you.”
She raised her head, seemingly satisfied with his answer. She let him kiss her deeply and softly, his hands lying at the small of her back, steadying her as their lips moved against one another. She pulled back, smiling slightly, “Goodnight.”
“Night,” he responded, watching her close the door lightly behind her as she left.
He grinned, reaching out a hand to plant on the wall to steady himself. He felt like he had just been in a dream, his head fuzzy and light, his skin prickly and warm. He honestly didn’t believe that earlier today he would end up just talking with her instead of doing all the other things he’d been dying to do to her, but he loved it anyway. She felt good in every aspect of his life and he knew his future could only hold more promise and joy. He couldn’t wait until the next day, excited for the unknown. As long as Leslie was a part of it, he was completely open and ready for anything.
Leslie quietly shed her clothing, slipping on her pajamas, watching Nick closely through the moonlight. She stood there, staring at him as he slept, not being able to contain her smile. He always slept so soundly.
She quietly and slowly crawled up on the bed, trying to slide under the covers with as little movement as possible. Nick stirred and she stiffened, looking down at him as he breathed out, flipping over to face her. She relaxed when he settled in, breathing steadily. She slid under the covers and faced him, looking at his sweet face.
She hated this. She hated this entire situation. Her heart hurt as she stared at him, looking at the curves of his chin and the arch of his nose, the puffiness of his lips, and the way his hair fell. She loved all these things about him and it hurt her to deceive him like she was. She had cheated on him, plain and simple, and now she was on her way to a full on love affair. Why couldn’t she be content with this man lying next to her? Why couldn’t she just ignore her feelings for Brian and focus on the love of a good man?
She couldn’t help herself, as stupid as that sounded. She cared deeply for both men, and she wanted both of them, selfishly.
She lifted her hand and gently touched Nick’s cheek, tears coming to her eyes. He stirred at her touch, but she didn’t attempt to remove her hand.
He grumbled, “That you baby?”
She searched his face, loving every inch of him, letting the tears burn her eyes.
She responded quietly, “It’s me.”
He snuggled into her, his hands slipping around her waist, pulling her to him close. He kissed her lips and settled in comfortably, adjusting to her body pressing against his.
He whispered sleepily, “Where you been?”
She licked her lips, watching his closed eyes, his body rising and falling with each breath he took. She swallowed hard, remembering what Brian had jokingly told her to tell him, “Just went for a walk.”
He smiled lightly, never once opening his eyes. He breathed out, “Okay,” before drifting off to sleep.
Tears seeped from her eyes then, her heart aching terribly in her chest. She didn’t know what she had expected him to say. Deep down she had wanted him to question her, to open his eyes and stare at her doubtfully, pushing her to tell him the truth. But he hadn’t. He had accepted her answer without a second thought. She reasoned that it could just be that he was half asleep and not thinking clearly, but she knew better than that. He trusted her completely. In his eyes, she could do no wrong. Brian was right; he would believe anything, especially from her.
And this simple fact broke her heart.
