To take what fate or the gods may give,
To ask no question, to make no prayer,
To kiss the lips and caress the hair,
Speed passion’s ebb as we greet its flow,
To have and to hold, and, in time – let go.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox
“How far along is she?” Amy asked curiously to Brian. He once again tore his gaze from Leslie, who was across the room talking with Kevin, Kristin, and her parents. Brian turned to Amy, watching her take a sip of the wine in her hand, “Uh, not sure actually. We haven’t gone to the doctor just yet. Kind of hard to when we’re traveling all the time you know?”
Amy nodded knowingly, watching as Brian’s eyes glanced back towards Leslie once he had finished his statement. Amy followed his gaze, a bit frustrated that he wasn’t really focusing in on their conversation. He was highly distracted, he had been the whole night, but she was trying to get to know him better, to see what her sister saw, to understand where her sister’s feelings came from.
“I’m right here you know,” Amy announced, waving a hand in front of his face. Brian darted his head towards her, “What?” Amy motioned her eyes in the direction of Leslie and Brian’s eyes widened, “Oh… sorry. Just kind of out of it I guess.”
“You’ve been burning holes into her all night,” Amy mused. “Doesn’t she get boring to look at after awhile?”
A small smile danced its way onto his lips, and he shook his head lightly, “No, not really.”
She caught him glance Leslie’s way again and she reached out, turning his face to hers, “You may think you’re being sly and that no one can notice, but you’re wrong. It’s obvious. You might want to settle it down.”
He looked at her anxiously, “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”
“She’s told me everything you know,” she said carefully. She wasn’t exactly surprised to see that this wasn’t new news to him. He nodded, looking at her sincerely, “I know.”
Amy eyed him carefully before continuing, “You don’t seem very happy. What with the baby and all.”
“Should I be?” he asked sarcastically, leaning forward on his knees casually. She leaned forward as well, their position on the couch a bit of a distance from anyone in hearing range, but still close enough to feel the need to lower their voices.
“I don’t know, you tell me. Seems to me most men in committed relationships would be overjoyed at the news of being a father,” Amy pointed. Brian caught how she slightly emphasized the word ‘committed’ and smiled, “You know, for someone that’s been told everything, you’re not very good at making inferences.”
“No, I am, I’m just trying to humor you a little,” she replied. He chuckled lightly and then slightly jumped at the sound of Cathy’s loud laughter from across the room. Amy giggled, “She’s kind of got a distinct laugh.”
“I can tell,” he joked. Amy spoke up again, wanting to get back on track, “So why not leave her?”
“Leighanne?” he asked. Amy nodded, slightly glancing at the woman in question in the dining room, engrossed in a conversation with Rachel and Leigh.
“Because it wouldn’t be right,” he explained. Amy raised her eyebrows in surprise at his answer, “And sleeping with my baby sister is?”
He narrowed his eyes at her comment, “That’s different.”
“How so?”
He sighed, not wanting to discuss such a topic just then, never really having to answer to his actions or his moral beliefs before, “Look, I was raised to do the right thing. I know that sounds hypocritical, especially because of Leslie and I, but it is different. Leslie just happened. I didn’t plan on falling for her. I didn’t plan on cheating on Leighanne. It all just happened, and we let our emotions and our desires get out of control. I can’t justify that because it would be a loss cause. I can’t really defend my actions either because I know they were wrong, but at the same time I can’t apologize for it.”
He paused, watching Amy’s sincere face look at him carefully, listening intently. He licked his lips to continue, “How can I apologize for something that’s brought me such happiness? For something that’s brought new meaning to my life? I can’t lie to myself like that, not anymore at least. You know Leslie more than I do, but I know that she’s a good person, and that it’s not in her character to deceive the ones she cares about, just as it’s not in my character either, but we did it, are doing it, because there’s something there. Something that I can’t explain. I really can’t Amy. I’ve sat down plenty of times to think this whole mess through and I can’t get a single answer except that we just seem to fit.”
Amy wasn’t expecting all this, but she welcomed it all the same. His sincerity was touching. He glanced over at Leighanne and sighed, “I was leaving her you know. I was leaving her to be with Leslie.”
He looked quickly back to Amy, his voice a bit desperate, “Because that’s what I want Amy. I want Leslie. Not just as a lover and a friend, but as a companion. I wanted to know what it felt like to hug and kiss her without having this underlying guilt festering under my skin all the time. I wanted to know what it felt like coming home to her, to wake up with her there every morning. I wanted all that a relationship entails, but even more so because I knew it would be different with her. I knew that if I could just be with her that I wouldn’t just be trudging through my day to day life like some goddamn singing zombie, but actually have a real meaning to everything. But now…”
Brian paused, looking down at his clasped hands. Amy leaned forward slightly, wanting him to go on, “But now?”
“Leighanne’s pregnant,” he said matter-of-factly, “And through all my sins, I couldn’t bring myself to commit another, knowing that my kid would be tremendously affected by it. If I were to have left Leighanne, I would have finally turned my back on everything that I had ever been taught and had ever believed in. I was willing to sacrifice nearly everything to be with your sister, but I can’t do that to my kid Amy. I can’t leave him behind.”
She looked at him sadly, wanting to tell him that he could still leave her, that he could still raise his kid with them apart. Brian marrying Leighanne when he didn’t love her would be just as bad. His child would be born into a broken home either way, but she knew that her words wouldn’t sway his decision. He clearly valued his family, and she could tell that he was going to try his hardest to fix things, with himself and with Leighanne. He didn’t want to give up on something without giving all he had to give, because then he would regret it for the rest of his life. But of course, he was too blind to see that giving Leslie up would be just as regrettable.
Brian looked at her expectantly, worrying what her next words would be. He didn’t expect her to understand, just like he didn’t expect anyone to understand, but he hoped that she could find some logic in his reasoning. He relaxed a bit when she smiled at him lightly.
Amy shuffled through all the things that she wished to say to him, but she soon settled on something that had been nagging at her since the words left his mouth. Out of everything that he had stated, this stuck out the most to her. He had said it so nonchalantly, but it had struck her hard.
She bit her lip before asking quietly, repeating his quote, “You didn’t plan on falling for her?”
Puzzlement overcame him as he struggled to remember what she was referring to. She pressed on, “You fell for her?”
His stomach churned unsteadily, not realizing that he had slipped with those words. The look on his face told Amy that he had, and she asked, “Does she know?”
He shook his head slightly, “No, and please don’t tell her.”
“I wouldn’t dare. Not now anyway. She’s had enough to deal with as is,” she said. He looked at her gratefully, and she reached out, setting her hand gently on his back, “Brian, I may not completely understand what you’re going through, or why you’ve done the things you’ve done, but I know from the sincerity of your words that you truly care for her. You’re a good man, that much is clear, and it’s not my place to pass judgment.”
She paused before continuing, “But I think you should talk to her.”
Brian frowned, “She won't."
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because she’s avoided me all night. She hasn’t said a single thing to me, and she’s barely looked my way. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to me,” he reasoned.
“She just needs time,” Amy replied. “But it would help the both of you out if you would just be honest with her. She’s lost a big chunk of her life, so of course she’s going to avoid you. It’s what any girl would do. It’s a defense mechanism.”
Brian looked across the room, watching as Leslie talked animatedly to her father, her audience listening intently, smiles blossoming across their faces. He turned back to Amy, “You know, for me breaking Leslie’s heart, you’re being really nice.”
She shrugged, “I don’t know you well enough to really hate you and besides, Leslie wouldn’t want me treating you badly. Though she may be angry and upset right now, she wouldn’t want to cause more pain out of pure spite.”
His heart softened at those words. Leslie was a better person than most of the world. She was extraordinary, and he greatly admired that about her. It’s part of the reason why he loved her as much as he did.
For a few moments, silence settled down around them, the chattering and laughter flowing throughout the house. Amy hesitated, wondering if she should say and do what she was about to, feeling her conscience tug annoyingly at her heart and brain. She watched as Brian dropped his head to look down at his hands, the table, the carpet, at anything but Leslie.
She sighed, before saying, “Leslie bought you a Christmas present.”
Brian looked over at her, a bit startled and taken aback by her statement, “She didn’t have to do that.”
Amy shook her head, “Well, I mean, she bought it before ya’ll broke it off.”
He furrowed his eyebrow, “She told me she didn’t.”
“She lied,” Amy said flatly. He asked, confusion evident, “But why?”
“She said that it wouldn’t feel right to give it to you,” she explained. “But I think it has more to do with what’s happened with you two lately."
“Why are you telling me this?” he asked, eyeing her carefully. She shrugged, “Because it’s obvious that she wants you to have it. She wouldn’t have brought it with her if she didn’t, but she’s convinced herself not to give it to you. That’s one of Leslie’s problems; she thinks too much and as a result, she starts to doubt herself. I don’t think it’s healthy for her to keep it around, so, I’m giving it to you instead.”
He looked at her doubtfully, “I don’t know Amy…”
“Just stay here alright? I’m gonna go get it,” she announced. He watched as she stood up and he grabbed her hand, stopping her. He shook his head slightly, “If she wanted me to have it, she would have given it to me.”
She stared down into Brian’s blue, worried eyes, “Let’s just pretend for a moment that I’m Leslie’s sister and therefore know the inner workings of her mind more than you do, and then let’s just say that she’d regret it if it never got to you.”
Brian sighed, letting go of Amy’s hand, “Alright, fine, but not now. It wouldn’t look right having you give me a gift when we only met yesterday.”
She thought this over for a second before nodding, taking her seat beside him once more. They talked for a little while yet, before she was called by her mother to help tell a story of when Leslie was little.
Brian debated joining the laughing group, but decided against it out of respect for Leslie. It was obvious she didn’t want to be near him right then, and he wasn’t going to push himself at her. He had hurt her enough as is, so instead, he got up and went and sat with Nick and AJ, who were busy playing a game of chess.
After a couple more hours, everyone began to gather their things and head out. It was nearly 11 at night and they all worried that they had overstayed their welcome. Of course, that was ridiculous, but they were all tired anyway. They had to get up early to head up to Vail for skiing.
Amy had rushed upstairs as everyone grabbed their coats from the hallway closet, beginning to make their way towards the front door. She snatched the present up from the bed and made her way downstairs, being sure to hide the gift from view behind her back. She was happy to see Brian close by, slipping on his peacoat. He shook John’s hand, thanking him for their hospitality and once more wishing him a Merry Christmas.
Amy came up from behind him and nudged him slightly. He turned to her, immediately looking down at the present she held out to him slyly. He took it quickly and slipped it under his coat, smiling at her gently. She gave him a warm hug, before letting him wander through the crowd to say bye to Cathy, Michael, and finally Leslie.
She felt relieved to have the present finally in his hands, knowing that Leslie would be grateful in the long run. She wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer, or regret later about not giving it to him. She felt like she did a good thing.
People started filing out of the door, the cold winter air bursting through the foyer. Amy hugged herself, trying to stop her shivers as she watched as people lingered, finishing up small conversations. She caught Brian hugging Leslie out on the porch, and wasn’t surprised to see Leslie’s pained face from over his shoulder. He had leaned in to say something quietly to her, but she jabbed her finger at him, saying something harshly before stepping back from him. His face crestfallen, he turned and followed AJ to one of the awaiting taxis.
Amy watched as Leslie came back into the house. She thought about stopping her to ask if she were okay, but instead decided to leave it alone. Leslie pushed past to get to the kitchen, knowing that she was about to go on a cleaning spree. She usually did when she was stressed out or upset. It was therapeutic for her. Amy always wished she had such a random, productive vice.
Amy sighed, wishing that she could somehow make it better for Leslie. She wondered how long it was going to take for her to get over him, because she really had no choice otherwise. She felt incredibly bad then, realizing that Leslie’s battle to regain some sort of control over her life without being bombarded by Brian was going to be difficult, especially with the tour only halfway over.
Amy thought about how if it meant that Leslie would no longer be hurting, she would change places with her in an instant, but then she knew that wouldn’t be fair. Leslie would pull through this, and be a better person because of it.
All Brian could think about was the package hidden snugly underneath his coat. The entire taxi ride back to the hotel seemed ten times longer than it really was, his desire to know what was inside making him antsy. Not only that, but Leslie's reaction to him when he had left bothered him greatly. He had hugged her gently, and not being able to help himself, had whispered to her that he was sorry. She had jabbed her finger at him angrily, saying harshly, "Don't", before walking away from him. He hadn't expected this, but he understood her anger.
Once he and Leighanne got back to their room, Brian made his way to the bathroom calmly, immediately hiding the present under the sink, before continuing to get ready for bed.
After what seemed like ages, he now finally lay next to Leighanne, staring at the darkened wall, listening to her steady breathing. It had been over an hour since they had turned out the lights, but it had seemed like an eternity. He waited patiently however, not wanting Leighanne to wake up in the midst of his discovery.
After a few more minutes, he finally decided that it would be safe to get up. He slowly slid out of bed, making sure not to disturb the covers too much, or drastically shake the bed. He stood still for a moment, waiting to see if Leighanne would stir, but when she did not, he tip toed his way towards the bathroom, being sure to keep his steps short and deliberate.
When he got to the bathroom, he closed the door quietly behind him, flinching slightly when he heard the click of the latch. He paused, but upon hearing no noise or movement, he flipped on the light, quickly turning his attention to the sink. He bent down, swinging open the small doors. He got down on his knees and reached behind the pipes, feeling the paper slip through his fingers. He clamped down on the gift, pulling it out towards him.
He settled back against the wall, staring down at the wrapping, smiling lightly at the singing cartooned snowman that was repeated over and over again across the package. He felt excitement rise within him as he examined the gift within his hands.
He wasted no time, slipping his fingers underneath the tape and tearing the paper away, trying to be as quiet as possible. He quickly picked up the leather bound book, looking it over carefully, before noticing a piece of paper lying haphazardly in his lap. He set the book aside for the time being, snatching up the scribbled on paper, recognizing Leslie’s handwriting at once.
Merry Christmas love! I know it’s not much, but you’ve been writing like a fiend lately. Your notebook is kind of falling apart (it’s definitely seen better days…), and I know you’re attached to it, but you have to get a new one at some point right? I found this in Scotland. It’s real leather, and the coating at the edges of the paper is made from real gold leaflets. I saw it and immediately thought of you.
Brian smiled, pausing in his reading to look back at the notebook. He reached over and ran his fingers across the cover, the musty smell from the leather wafting towards him. He gently flipped through the pages, seeing them completely blank.
I hope you haven’t seen what else is inside already. If so, this entire next portion won’t really matter much, but I just wanted to explain. I’ve kept a diary since the beginning of middle school. You know this already because we’ve had plenty of random talks on what I write about. I write about my life, plain and simple. I do it because I want to be able to look back on any particular day to see what went on, who I was with, what my feelings and thoughts were. I’ve never adapted well to change, you know that, and I think this is a way for me to hold on to something solid, as a way to cope with losing and gaining new things throughout the years. Having these diaries let me know that I’ll never fully lose anything, you know?
Brian flipped over the letter and continued to read.
So, I know I’m babbling, but that’s me right? A babbling mcbabbleson.
Brian laughed to himself at her nickname, immediately remembering when he had called her that. One night, she was talking up a storm, about anything that came to her mind, from hotel sheets to socks, from how cool remote control buttons feel to why advertisers choose to bombard us with incredibly stupid car commercials. He had only watched her in amusement, finally teasing her by calling her a babbling mcbabbleson.
Let’s get to the point then yeah? Since we’ve finally decided to be more than what we are… to finally be together…
Brian froze suddenly, feeling his skin go cold. He cursed under his breath, realizing that she had written this letter and wrapped the present before he had broken up with her. He had stupidly assumed that she had done this recently. He suddenly felt like he should stop reading, knowing that Leslie had no longer wanted him to see this. However, as much as he wanted to just fold it up and put it away, his curiosity wouldn’t allow him, so he reluctantly looked back down are her scrawled handwriting, picking up where he left off.
…to finally have me as yours, I thought that maybe it was time for you to see what I write about you. You asked me once how I felt about you, and I had dismissed the question, only saying that you were wonderful. I did this because I was still terrified at what you were making me feel, not knowing what we were really doing or where we were going, but now I know that this is real. What we have is real.
I noticed the other day that nearly all my entries from the day I first met you to now are all about you. I didn’t realize how much you consumed my life until then, and it scared me a little, but it also excited me. Just goes to show how much you’ve come to mean to me and how involved you are in everything that I do.
I’m sorry love, I’m probably boring you to tears…
“Not at all,” Brian whispered, completely enraptured by her words
I’ve thought about telling you how I feel face to face, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to express what I really wanted to tell you. I seem to be better at expressing my feelings in writing more than in words(Funny how that works). So I figured, why not let you see what I see? Why not let you experience through my eyes how I see you, how I see us?
Brian suddenly felt very uncomfortable.
So, I tore out a bunch of pages, ones I thought mattered most, and put them on the inside cover of the notebook. You can give them back to me when you’re done, but there’s no rush. We have all the time in the world now don’t we?
Anyway, Merry Christmas my love. Finally yours, Leslie
Brian set the letter down in his lap, his mouth completely dry. He hadn’t expected this. It was extremely thoughtful on her part, and very fitting. He had on numerous occasions tried to peak over her shoulder at what she was writing, had tried to steal her journal to see what it was she always seemed so engrossed in, but she had stopped him everytime, not giving him anything. Now he finally had the chance to feed his curiosity, but he held back, feeling that he was invading her privacy. He thought to himself that he technically wasn't though, because she had flat out given him what he had tried to get for so long.
He looked down at the leather bound notebook and frowned. He had barely noticed his hands shaking as he reached out to grab the gift he now secretly wished he never received. This gift was meant for him before. It was meant for the Brian that had yet to hurt her.
He ran his fingers over the cover once more, guilt rising within him. He knew he shouldn’t have this. Had Amy known what it contained? No, she couldn’t have. She wouldn’t have dared give him something that contained something so personal.
He reasoned with himself, going back and forth from flipping over the cover to devour every word, to telling himself to wrap the gift back up and return it to Leslie as quickly as possible, assuring her that he had not even touched the pages. The latter, he knew, would help nothing. Embarrassing her wasn’t the smart way to go, and besides, she had wanted him to have this. There had to be a small part of her that still wanted him to have it. Why else would she have brought it with her?
He took a deep breath, and though still hesitant, he convinced himself enough to go through with gently pulling back the cover of the journal. He swallowed, the torn out pages lying neatly folded within its binding.
He tenderly picked the wad of papers up and flipped them open, her beautiful scrawl jumping up to greet him. He immediately noticed the date at the top of the first page, May 13, 2007, knowing immediately what this entry would be about.
He leaned back against the wall and slowly began to read.
