She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
~Angel by Jack Johnson
To Brian, the rest of the ski trip wasn’t very enjoyable. It was actually border on torture. Nick had adopted taking Brian off to the side every now and then to see if his ideas of proposing were worthy enough. All Brian could do was nod his head and say they were all good ideas and that Nick would know what to do when the time came. He told him not to think too much into it because it wasn’t supposed to be like that. Proposing wasn’t about acting with your brain, but from your heart.
Though Brian was upset about the entire situation, he tried to hide it as best as he could. He supported Nick with his choices and urged him in the right direction. Though it hurt him terribly to see that Leslie was growing further and further away from him, he couldn’t help but be happy for Nick. There was a new light in him that was never there before. He seemed to be enjoying life so much more fully now with Leslie then he ever had before. Who was he to deny his friend such happiness?
On other fronts, Brian joined in on baby conversation when it was brought up, seemingly excited to become a father. He joined in on wedding talk, only being able to display the weakest of excitement, but still being convincing enough to not be questioned. He did his best, and that’s all he could say.
They were now back in Denver. They were to leave in the morning to go their separate ways for a few days, to meet up with family or have a little R&R before joining up again in New York to begin the US and Canadian leg of their tour.
He had yet to see Leslie and he worried that he wouldn’t get to before they all left. Everyone had gone over to her parents' house earlier to say their last thanks and to talk for a little while. Brian and Leighanne had opted out however, because Leighanne had claimed to be too tired from all the traveling. She begged Brian to stay in with her, to just cuddle and watch a movie. He had no desire to be there with her, but he stayed all the same, reasoning that it was the best thing to do to hopefully get back to where he and Leigh once were. Like Bill Murray in ‘What About Bob?’, it was all about baby steps.
He told himself it was best to stay away, but he was drawn to Leslie even more so now that there was this gigantic space between them. This had been the longest he’d gone without seeing her in months. It was an odd feeling, and it gave him a sense of what life would be like without her being there everyday, and he certainly didn't like it.
That night, he slept horribly, tossing and turning constantly. Leighanne complained every chance she could, so Brian ended up on the couch by morning. He had given up on sleep and had just lied there on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He stared off into space, not focusing on anything really, so totally engrossed in his thoughts.
He thought of anything and everything when it came to Leslie. From looking back at some of their most intimate moments, to cursing himself for hurting her like he did. He thought about Nick wanting to propose to her and wondering about what her answer would be. Most of all, he daydreamed of what life would be like if things had been different. He pictured a life where they were together. It was she who he went to sleep next to every night and woke up to every morning. It was she who he was planning a wedding with. It was she who was pregnant. It was she in his future.
The following morning, when Leighanne was in the shower, Brian snuck out of the hotel. He knew that starting up the tour without talking to Leslie would not only affect his performance, but hers. He knew he needed to talk to her, not only for professional reasons, but because they needed closure. He couldn’t go on not knowing what she felt and what she was thinking. But what really drove him to catch a cab to her parent’s house was the simple fact of his gigantic desire to just see her. To be there next to her, even if she wasn’t his.
He had arrived at the house and wasted no time in knocking on the front door. Amy answered, obviously shocked to see him standing there. Brian asked to see Leslie, and after much protest from Amy, she finally gave in.
“She’s not here,” she said exasperatedly. Brian’s heart dropped, “What do you mean?”
“She’s just not here,” she reiterated. “She went for a walk.”
“It’s freezing out. Who goes on walks in the snow?” he asked. She crossed her arms, “A lot of people. Not like you’re going to die by walking around the block.”
“So she’ll be back soon then?” he asked hopefully. She shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Well, when did she leave? I can catch up with her if you know which way she went.”
“It’s not like that,” Amy sighed. Brian looked at in her confusion, “Not like what?”
“She’s not here,” Amy waved her hand as if to address the neighborhood itself.
“I know she’s not here,” Brian said, getting a bit frustrated. Amy rolled her eyes slightly when she saw Brian mimicking her hand gestures. She continued, “What I’m trying to say is that she’s not walking around here. She has a place. It’s her thing.”
“Her thing?” he asked warily.
Amy nodded, “Her thing. One summer, we just found the place over by the foothills. It’s quiet and isolated. It’s a good place to go read or walk around. It just became her place.”
Brian stood there for a moment, feeling slightly defeated in his venture. He was willing to wait for her to come back, but when would that be? He had a flight to catch in a couple of hours and if he didn’t get back to Leighanne soon, he’d have a lot of questions to answer.
Then it dawned on him. His eyes lit up at the thought, “Where’s this place at?”
Amy looked at him skeptically, “You’re not serious.”
“I’m totally serious. I need to talk to her.”
Amy eyed him carefully for a few moments before deciding that he wasn’t going to give in, “What do you need to talk to her about anyway?”
“Things,” Brian dismissed the question hastily, eager to get a move on, “Come on Amy. Where is it?”
Amy sighed, “Fine, I’ll show you, but if you hurt her anymore Brian, there’s going to be hell to pay.”
Brian grinned at her even as she jabbed her finger at him warningly. He stepped forward and wrapped her in a warm hug. Amy was taken aback at first, but she soon fell into a light chuckle and patted his back, “Let me get my coat and we’ll go.”
Brian watched as she disappeared into the house and then soon came back out bundled up and ready to go. As she closed the door behind her, Brian quietly asked, “Nick doesn’t know I’m here right?”
She shook her head, walking down the sidewalk to her car, “No, he’s downstairs with Dad. He’s getting the infamous gun collection tour.”
Brian felt relieved at this and slid into the passenger’s seat of Amy’s Subaru, “You won’t tell him right?”
Amy looked over at him oddly, “Why would I do that?”
Brian shrugged, and added tentatively, “I don’t know. You women do strange things sometimes.”
“And you men don’t? Mr. I’m-getting-married-but-let’s-have-a-love-affair-with-my-best-friend’s-girlfriend.”
“Don’t get cheeky.”
Amy snorted with laughter, “No, no, I would never think to get ‘cheeky’.”
Brian smiled. He was glad that Amy was being so receptive to him. If he were in her position, he didn’t think he’d be so nice. If he had a little sister, he’d be extensively protective over her heart and he sure as hell wouldn’t allow a guy she’d been sinfully involved with near her. Of course, it’s different with guys I suppose. Besides, Amy seems to understand that there’s more to he and Leslie then just some random fling.
After about twenty minutes, Amy pulled off on a side road. Neighborhoods, major shopping areas, and busy streets soon disappeared behind them. It wasn’t long before the road was no longer paved, and they bumped along gravel until Amy finally pulled up to a grove of small trees. Brian looked through the windshield at the snow covered land and immediately noted how beautiful it was. Since it was slightly secluded, it was untouched by human influence.
Brian stepped out of the car, the cold immediately greeting his skin once more. He barely noticed however as he looked around him. The foothills rose up before him and he could distinctly see mountain peaks off in the distance. A patchwork of trees lied ahead, leafless and covered in snow and icicles.
He found himself smiling at the vast blanket of snow. It was peaceful. More peaceful than anything he’d really ever experienced before. The snow created a unique silence that couldn’t be recreated elsewhere. It was disillusioning actually. One gets so used to their busy lifestyle, with cars and work and paying bills, that they forget that this still exists; nature in its purest form.
He thought it fitting that this would be Leslie’s place. To him, she would be the one person in the world that would find something this special. This new found knowledge only seemed to make him love her more, if that was even possible.
Shaking out of his thoughts, he scanned the landscape, trying to spot any sign of Leslie. He noticed the car that Amy had pulled up next to and recognized it as their father’s.
Brian bent down to look in at Amy who was still sitting quietly in the car, “Do you know where she’s at?”
Amy sat still, looking through the windshield. She pointed, shivering as the cold air rushed in through Brian’s side of the car, “She could be a number of places, but best bet is if you walk past those trees. In the spring and summer there’s a small pond and creek. She might be around there.”
He looked at her gratefully, “Thank you Amy. Really.”
She nodded, “It’s nothing. But seriously, you should close the door.”
“Sorry. You’re okay to stay here right?” Brian asked. She nodded hastily, trying to signal that he should go already. He began to shut the door then, but stopped when he heard Amy yell out, “Remember what I said!”
“What?” he asked.
“If you hurt her anymore, there’s going to be hell to pay. I’m completely serious,” she stated.
“I know you are, and I won’t.”
She looked satisfied with this and Brian shoved the door closed. He wasted no time in trekking through the snow. He noticed fresh footprints along the way and knew that they had to be Leslie’s. He followed them closely, only looking up every once in awhile to make sure he was still headed the right way.
Before long he was slowly making his way through the sleeping trees. Leslie’s footsteps were harder to follow through here, but he managed all the same. When he finally bypassed the wood into an open area, he looked ahead, his eyes immediately falling on her.
She was sitting on a log a few yards off, facing away from him. He could see her blonde hair glisten from the light reflecting off the snow around her. She was busy looking down at something, completely unaware of his presence.
He noticed the large white sheet in front of her and could only credit it to being the pond that Amy had mentioned. More trees settled beyond that, and a gap could be seen through the trunks, which could also be the creek Amy spoke of.
Though Brian had been nervous to see Leslie, his excitement had overcome all that. Now, however, he felt his nervousness creep past all other emotions. The place itself had a romantic beauty to it that he did not expect. He was struggling to get a hold of himself and focus to the task at hand. He was here for a reason.
He stepped forward, trying to not be obnoxiously loud as he approached her. The closer he got to her, the clearer and more defined she became. She was bundled up in a pea coat, a pink scarf wrapped around her neck with a matching pink beanie covering her head. The crunching noises that his feet made against the snow would have alerted anyone else of his arrival, but Leslie seemed unfazed. She was still engrossed with looking down at whatever was in her lap.
He finally stopped, taking a deep breath. When he spoke, he cringed slightly. His voice seemed to boom through the silent area harshly, “Hi.”
Leslie looked over in passing, only thinking to greet some random traveler, but when she saw Brian standing there, she did an immediate double take. She then rolled her eyes, groaning, “God dammit. I’m going to kill her.”
Brian smiled lightly, “I wouldn't stop bothering her until she gave in."
Leslie sighed, standing up from the log and dusting off her jeans where snow clung tightly. He finally realized what she had been so engrossed in as he looked down at her hands. A journal and pen were clutched tightly within her grasp. As she stood, she hadn’t noticed a couple of pages slip from her journal and float to the ground behind her. He was too focused to say anything otherwise.
She saw him looking down at the contents of her hands and she awkwardly tried hiding it behind her leg. Silence enveloped the two of them and Brian knew that it was his duty to really start talking, “This is a beautiful place.”
Leslie agreed, “It is.”
“Amy says it’s your thing,” he announced, trying to make some sort of small talk to break the tension.
“She did, did she?” Leslie sounded slightly exasperated.
“So it is then?” he asked. She locked eyes with him and after a moment she nodded lightly, “Yeah, I guess so.”
“How come you’ve never told me about it?”
She shrugged, “Guess I didn’t think it relevant as of yet.”
Sadness befell Brian’s features, “Everything in your life is relevant to me Leslie.”
She furrowed her eyebrow at him, obviously getting over the shock of him actually standing there before her. She knew where this conversation was going to lead to, “Why are you here?”
Brian sniffled. The cold had numbed his nose and he could barely feel his face, but he hardly noticed. He stepped forward slightly to get closer to her, noticing his breath billowing out in front of him and her. She watched him warily.
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she replied.
“There’s a lot to talk about and you know it,” he said seriously. She folded up her journal and stuffed it in her pocket, “Why talk when we already know the answers to everything?”
He shook his head, “It’s not that easy. Do you think I wanted this to happen?”
She didn’t reply, but crossed her arms over her chest, standing rigid. Brian continued, “The last thing in this world I ever wanted to happen happened, but I can’t help that now.”
“Neither can I,” she reasoned.
“I know that,” he said. “But I don’t think you realize how sorry I am Leslie. I never wanted to hurt you and the fact that I did is tearing me apart. This past week has been hell for me. My whole world’s fallen apart and all because I want to be with you.”
He could see tears welling up in Leslie’s eyes and he watched as she tried to blink them away. She was clearly embarrassed, “Why couldn’t you have just told me? Why did you just leave me like that to find out with everyone else? That wasn’t fair.”
Brian stepped forward again, happy to see that Leslie wasn’t turning away and that she was opening up, “I know it wasn’t sweetheart, and I’m sorry. I was just so mixed up. I sat her down to tell her that I was leaving her, and she just popped out with it. I was blindsided, still am. I was freaking out and I was upset because I knew what this meant for us and when I came to your room and when you started crying…”
Brian paused, feeling himself get choked up. His voice had turned shaky, “When I saw how much I was hurting you, I couldn't bare to hurt you any more. To tell you that I got her pregnant, to tell you that I fucked up our chances, was just too much. I thought that I was sparing you, at least for that time.”
Leslie could see Brian’s reasoning, but she still couldn’t accept it, “I had to find out with everyone around me. You could have at least warned me.”
“When was I going to warn you?” Brian asked. “There was never the right time. Was I supposed to just pull you off to the side and say ‘Hey, Leighanne’s knocked up and it’s mine’?”
“It would have been better than having to endure people screaming and laughing and congratulating you all in front of me. Not only did I have to hear it from Leighanne, I had to experience having my heart being broken surrounded by a group of people that have absolutely no idea what’s going on between us. It was humiliating.”
Brian looked at her desperately, “I don’t know how to make it up to you, cause if I did, I would be doing just that right now. I’m sorry Leslie. I really am. And not just for Leighanne, but for everything. For dragging you into this situation in the first place.”
“You didn’t drag me into anything,” she said. “I did it because I wanted to.”
Brian took a moment to collect his thoughts, trying to piece together what he wanted to say next. So many things ran through his mind that he found it hard to make sense of anything. Instead, he reached down into his coat pocket and pulled out the folded up entries from her gift.
He saw Leslie’s eyes flash with recognition, her cheeks turning redder than they already were out of embarrassment. She turned her head away, clearly uncomfortable. Brian stepped forward a third time, now only putting a couple feet between them. He tentatively held out the entries to her, “I thought you might want these back.”
Her eyes darted to his outstretched hand and she slowly shook her head, “I don’t want them.”
His hand faltered in the air at that comment, completely puzzled and not expecting such a response, “Leslie, they’re yours.”
“They’re not. Not anymore at least,” she said quietly. She was avoiding eye contact with him, clearly trying to shy away from the entire situation.
Brian sighed, staring at her sadly. He slowly dropped his hand to his side and said softly, “Thank you.”
Leslie’s eyes looked up to his then, her face questioning. Brian decided to elaborate, “For not taking them back.”
She shook her head, still not sure why he would have such a reaction. He licked his lips, clutching the papers between his hands, “This is the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever gotten.”
Her face softened at this and he continued, “You trusted me enough to show me your inner most thoughts and feelings, and I can't express how grateful I am for that Leslie.”
Brian had been desperately trying to hold back his tears but he could feel his walls shaking within him. His voice was shaking more noticeably now, “I was afraid you’d take these away from me. I know that must sound completely stupid, but I’m not afraid to admit it. Not to you."
Leslie opened her mouth to respond but Brian continued, “These pages are the only thing I have to hold onto now. It’s the only thing that shows that we existed. No one else knows what we’ve gone through and what we’ve experienced, and God, how we’ve been through a lot.”
Brian’s eyes were quickly welling up with tears, “I can’t have you, but I have these. These,” he raised the pages, shaking them slightly, “Are real. These are solid and physical. They remind me everyday of what I could have had, what I did have, and though it hurts me more than anything that’s ever hurt me before, I love them for this very fact. It shows that for a time I lived like I was supposed to live, with passion and vivacity and conviction. It reminds me that I had you, had all of you, right down to the very last particle. For me to care this much just reminds me of how special you are to me. I could never forget what once was because of these, and I thank you for that.”
He paused for a moment, feeling the hot tears sliding down his face evaporate into the cool air. He lowered his hand again, along with his voice, “I fucked up Leslie. I fucked up so bad and I brought you down with me and I never intended for that to happen. You have to see that. You have to see that I never wanted this to happen. I was leaving her for you. I was willing to sacrifice everything in this world to just have you there beside me, but I fucked up. I fucked up so hard.”
Brian turned his head away, the last of his words barely incomprehensible through his tears. The guilt that he had festering inside of him was overflowing, along with his heartache.
Leslie looked at him sadly, a couple of her own tears sliding down her cheeks. She had listened to his words with a growing sense of wonder. She had no idea he felt that strongly about them. She had no idea that what they had impacted him as much as he was implying. It saddened her greatly. She could hear the pain through his words and it hurt her terribly. She felt her anger completely diminish at the broken man in front of her. He was so overcome by grief and she realized how she had failed to think that he too was hurting along with her.
Unable to contain herself, she stepped forward and held out her hand to cover his. Brian felt her warmth immediately and it only made him cry harder. She squeezed his hand, still struggling to contain her emotions, “It’s okay love.”
Brian took in a deep breath at these words, lifting his eyes to meet hers. He had been hoping for those words since the day he had broke up with her, and now that they had come, he didn’t know how to deal with them, “It can’t be.”
She nodded her head, looking up at him with her tear filled eyes, “It is. It’s okay.”
She reached her hands up to gently cup his face, wiping tears away with her thumbs. She forced him to look at her. She searched his face sadly, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that you’re just as hurt. I know that you didn’t mean for it to happen. I know and it’s okay.”
She lowered her voice, reassuring him, “It’s okay.”
He raised his right hand to grab hers. He pulled it away from his face, kissing her palm gingerly. She allowed for this to happen, watching as he slowly calmed down. His lip trembled, “I’m so sorry sweetheart.”
“I know,” she nodded sincerely. “I know.”
They stood there in silence for a few moments. Leslie held strong to Brian’s hand, both their emotions passing between the two of them like a strong current. In a way, this was their way of beginning to heal.
“Things will be okay,” she said. “We’ll be friends won’t we?”
Brian hated the word the minute it came out of her mouth. He didn’t want to be friends. The very idea sickened him, but at the same time, he knew that it was the only way he was going to be able to still be near her. It was the only way for them to go. They had no other choice.
“Do you know how hard this is going to be?” he asked.
“It’s already hard, how much worse could it get?” she smiled lightly. He reached up to gently stroke her face with his thumb, before letting his hand drop back to his side, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
She shook her head, “Don’t say that.”
“But it’s the truth,” he replied.
She nodded sadly, “I know.” She sighed before continuing, “So this is it then?”
Brian found it hard to respond, but he finally croaked out, “I guess so.”
She squeezed his hand once more before dropping it from her grasp, giving a sense of finality to their conversation. She knew that they couldn't linger here, for if they did, she wasn't sure of what would happen. They needed to leave their conversation where it did if they had any chance of moving on. She needed to leave, “Okay then. That’s the first step then isn’t it? Admitting it to each other so we can begin to move on.”
He didn’t want to agree with her because he didn’t want to move on in the first place, but he knew she was right. If they had any chance of leading normal lives with each other around, they’d have to come to some kind of closure.
“Thanks for talking with me Leslie, and for being so understanding,” he said. She smiled at him, “Thanks for actually coming to talk to me. I’m stubborn, so I never would have done it.”
Silence enveloped them once more and they both looked around them awkwardly. Leslie pursed her lips, breaking the silence, “I guess I’ll see you in New York then? You have a flight to catch today right?”
Her last question brought him violently back to reality. How was it that whenever he was with Leslie the rest of the world seemed to stop? He had completely forgotten where he was at and he had most certainly forgotten that he was flying out, “I do, this afternoon. Leigh’s probably wondering where I’m at.”
“I bet she is. Well,” she paused, trying to think of something else to say, but only being able to come up with something redundant and pointless, “Have a safe flight yeah?”
Both Leslie and Brian were unsettled at their awkward politeness, but they didn’t know how else to go about things. They had never really been friends with one another, so having to start now was something entirely new. It was going to take time for them to get to a comfort zone with each other without wanting to suddenly and passionately make out.
Leslie stepped forward and hugged him briefly. She smiled at him once more before walking past him. He turned his head to watch as she walked away, “I’ll see you in New York okay?”
She waved back at him to let him know that he would. He watched for a couple seconds, knowing that she wanted to get a head start in leaving. He was already wishing for the tour to start back up again so he could be near her once more, but at the same time, he dreaded it. How was he going to pull off a platonic relationship with her?
When she began to disappear into the trees, he turned back to look at the pond. He could hear a lone crow fly overhead, screeching annoyingly. He glanced up, slightly blinded by the sun at first. Thinking he had given Leslie sufficient time to get back to her car, he turned to leave, except when something caught his eye.
He turned his attention to the log that Leslie had been sitting on, and the memory came rushing back to him. When she had stood up, a few papers had fallen from her grasp unbeknownst to her. Now, he saw them lying silently on top of the snow, nearly forgotten. He quickly turned his head to see if Leslie were still near so that he could let her know that she left something behind, but his heart sank in his chest when he saw that she was completely gone.
Sighing, he stepped forward and bent down, sweeping up the pages in his ice cold hands. He glanced over them, straightening them out in his grasp. He immediately noticed the musical notes and bars drift up from the pages. He was intrigued to see that it was sheet music.
He quickly shuffled through the pages, finding that Leslie had numbered them. As he put them back in order, he noticed how under the piano notes, she had written lyrics.
He stopped suddenly as he glanced at the title, "Almost Lover - Lyrics and music by Leslie Baker", and right next to this, she had written “Inspired by a True Story.”
Brian’s heart sank at the realization of what this was. She had been busy writing a song when he had approached her. A song about him.
