I would want just one wish,
To kiss your quiet mouth,
And trace your steps with my fingertips,
And it’s you,
The light changes when you’re in the room,
Oh it’s you, oh it’s you
~It’s You by Michelle Branch
The rest of the break was less than stellar for Brian. He and Leighanne flew out to Kentucky to visit his parents and older brother Harold. Seeing his family was much needed, but the wedding and Leighanne’s unexpected pregnancy seemed to overshadow everything. He was reminded every minute of his unhappiness and just how alone he really was. Where he would have normally talked to his mom or his dad about what’s been going on, he now found that he could never do so. Their disappointment would be too much to bear on top of losing Leslie. So he stayed tight lipped and acted as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
Now with the tour starting up again, he felt a bit of relief sweep over him. The break gave him too much free time, which ultimately led to him having to wallow in self pity and regret. At least now he would be busy enough to keep his mind off certain aspects in his life.
He had been nervous to see Leslie again, but he was relieved to see that things between them were better than expected. At the current moment, rehearsals were just winding down, so he obviously had to dance with her, and where he feared that it would be awkward and forced, he found himself slipping back into his comfort zone with her immediately, except now he kept his hands where they should respectfully be. It helped that she was so receptive to him. It seems that the few days that they had away from each other did more good than harm. She was friendly to him and he took that as a good sign that she had, in a way, forgiven him. Of course, he had no way of being sure of that due to the fact that he was in no place to really talk to her about it. He figured that he should count his blessings and just drop it, as much as he didn’t want to.
The one thing that really was distracting him, however, were the pages he had picked up in Colorado when Leslie had left him by the pond. He had read over the words hundreds of times and they struck him significantly. He was amazed at how she could express herself in such a way, but under the awe and the admiration for her unknown writing ability, the words themselves were gnawing into his conscience. They were so incredibly real and heartbreaking, and it was clear that she had based the song over him and their roller coaster ride of a relationship. He knew he had hurt her significantly, but seeing her pain in this form was something so different than anything he had seen before, and it stayed with him constantly. As he danced with Leslie, he found his mind slipping back to her lyrics, and it saddened him. What’s more, it didn’t seem like Leslie had any idea that he possessed such a treasure, because he knew that if she had, she would hardly be treating him so civilly.
What bothered him even more was that he couldn’t get the music itself to work. He had tried the piano at his parents house in Kentucky, but his skills at playing the instrument were rudimentary at best. He secretly wished that Kevin were there to help him out, but he dealt with it as much as he could considering the circumstances. He only got a few notes to work, but he was still unsure of the key Leslie had envisioned.
Now here Brian was, watching as the dancers and the guys drifted off the stage to head to their respective rooms. He had stowed away the pages in his pocket, bound and determined to find someone that didn’t know of his hairy situation in the least bit and also knew how to play the piano like the their life depended on it.
He saw the band setting down their instruments and he immediately made a beeline for the keyboardist Jim. Jim was definitely startled to see Brian standing there before him as he switched off the instrument.
“Hey Littrell,” he greeted. Brian smiled faintly, distracted by the task at hand, “Hey Jimmy, how you doin’?”
“Just fine, just fine,” he said nonchalantly. “What can I do you for?”
“I was actually wondering if you could do me a favor,” Brian began. Jim looked surprised at this. He raised his eyebrows, “Me do you a favor?”
“I know that may sound weird,” Brian tried to explain, “But I kind of need someone that knows how to play the piano.”
“Well you’ve come to the right place then. You been working on some music that you need help on?” he asked.
Brian looked around the stage to make sure the coast was clear, trying to block out the movements and rustlings of the other musicians, “Not this time. Not exactly. I just have some sheet music here and I was wondering if you could play it for me?”
Brian reached into his sweatpants and pulled out the crinkled pages. He unfolded them and handed the papers over to Jim apprehensively. Jim took them and looked them over, “Leslie wrote this?”
Brian was afraid he’d recognize the name, but he tried to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal, “Yeah, she did. I found them backstage and before I give them back, I just wanted to see what the song sounded like. It looks good.”
Jim nodded, taking Brian’s explanation at face value with no doubts whatsoever, “Alright, cool man. I can do that for you.”
Brian felt relieved, smiling, “Thanks Jimmy.”
Brian made his way around the keyboard to stand next to Jim, watching as he positioned the pages up on the stand above the keys. Jim switched on the keyboard and made a few adjustments, pressing down on a few chords to test the sound out. Brian saw him scan the bars of notes, feeling excitement bubble up within him. He was anxious to finally get this underway so he could stop obsessing over what this song was really supposed to sound like.
“She’s talented,” Jim commented. Brian furrowed his brow, “How do you know? You haven’t played it yet.”
Jim shrugged, “I can hear it in my head just by reading the notes. It’s what I do for a living remember?”
Brian nodded, wanting to kick himself for not realizing this clear and certain fact, “Right.”
“Seriously though, she has talent. She’s one hell of a dancer, I just had no idea she was a hell of a piano player and song writer too. I should go talk to her after this-“
“No!” Brian exclaimed. Jim looked up at him startled, “What?”
“I mean, you can’t. I know she’s shy about these types of things. I shouldn’t even have this, and I don’t know how she’d react if she knew I did, so you shouldn’t.”
Jim looked at him skeptically, but shrugged all the same, “Alright, whatever.”
Jim turned back to the sheet music and after a few minutes of silence, he began to play. He tested out to see if the key was correct, replaying the beginning notes a few times before being satisfied that he got it right. Brian watched in wonder as the song he had been repeating in his head came to life. What he thought would have been the right way to sing it was so completely off from what Leslie envisioned, and he was grateful for it, because her version was so incredibly beautiful that he didn’t know how to react at first.
Jim began to hum along with the notes and once Brian got a feel of how the lyrics were supposed to be sung, he could clearly hear the words in his head, echoing hauntingly.
Your fingertips across my skin,
The palm trees swaying in the wind,
Images…
Brian listened to Jim’s hums, unable to keep Leslie’s face from popping into his head as the song continued.
You sang me Spanish lullabies,
The sweetest sadness in your eyes,
Clever trick…
I never want to see you unhappy,
I thought you’d want the same for me
The sad notes swirled about him in a calming frenzy. He pictured Leslie in front of the piano, her hands gliding over the keys so effortlessly and with such poise and grace. He saw her hair glisten in the sun and her sad blue eyes staring back at him. He felt her kisses against his lips, could hear her whispers in his ears. He saw her small smiles and the corners of her eyes crinkle up in amusement. He could hear her laughter and her sighs. He could see her; could see everything he loved so passionately.
Goodbye my almost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I’m trying not to think about you,
Can’t you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you,
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache,
Almost lovers always do
Jim would occasionally sing a line as he played along to keep up with the tempo and to keep the feel of the song. Brian barely heard him however, transfixed by each word and the notes surrounding them. He was in a daze, completely unaware of his surroundings. For a time he got lost in a different world, a world he had always entered when Leslie was there beside him. To see her life and her radiance and her passion emanate from something seemingly so inanimate was soothing to him, and at the same time gut wrenching.
He was completely oblivious to the fact that off on the side of the stage, Leslie stood, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes fixed on him. She had heard the familiarity of the notes drift through the halls backstage, and she had immediately frozen. She quickly found herself abandoning her things and Nick to find the source. She thought she was in a dream, but when she found Brian by the keyboard with Jim, she knew. She knew he had found her song, but how?
She had originally meant for him to have it, but that was before they had talked. It was a song written out of anger and hurt. It was a song written out of acceptance. She had written it as a way to say goodbye to him as a lover, but she had decided against giving it to him after seeing the same hurt and pain reflecting back at her that sad day out in the white, quiet snow.
Seeing him there across the stage had made her muscles grow weak. She wasn’t embarrassed or angry. She was just there in the moment, both sad and curious. His reaction was one she had not expected. He seemed to bathe in the notes and the words. He had closed his eyes for a time, taking in everything he could, and when he opened them back up she could see tears brimming. This reaction only choked her up as well. Her eyes burned, but she made no attempt to wipe anything away. She was paralyzed to do anything.
Brian, feeling the world close in on him, feeling so utterly alone, could hear Leslie singing these words to him; could hear the pain and heartache in every syllable. They echoed in his head maddeningly, but he welcomed this suffering.
We walked along a crowded street,
You took my hand and danced with me,
Images…
And when you left you kissed my lips,
You told me you would never ever forget these images…
No…
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me
Brian hadn’t noticed his voice drifting from his own lips until it was too late. He watched as Jim pressed down on the notes, his humming still filling the air. Brian finally put a voice to the words, and the embarrassment he knew he should have felt for being so forthcoming never came. Jim was unfazed by this new development and only ceased his own humming, allowing Brian’s angelic voice to softly fill their small nook on the stage.
Brian’s eyes swept over the pages, though he could have done without them. He had the words memorized, “Goodbye my almost lover / Goodbye my hopeless dream / I’m trying not to think about you / Can’t you just let me be? / So long my luckless romance / My back is turned on you / Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache / Almost lovers always do.”
Brian continued to sing, more to himself than to anyone else. He tried not to cry, but the very thought of this song being the last thing that signified what he and Leslie had was entirely too overwhelming. He clung to it, as sad as it was. His betrayal and his unrelenting pursuits and his hurtful actions echoed through every word, but he engulfed it all, accepting this form of punishment. He deserved this horrible pain. He deserved these sad notes and sad words. He deserved all of it.
Leslie had not expected Brian to suddenly start singing. His voice always made her grow weak and had always sent chills down her spine, but this was different. He displayed so much emotion and delicateness as the words flowed and melded together. It was so pure. He wasn’t singing it exactly as she had envisioned, but he made it his own, and in a way that meant more. She could see that through singing these words and hearing the music itself was a way for him to accept their fate and to stop living in denial of what they had become. He was clearly heartbroken and it was all too clear in his beautiful voice.
I cannot go to the ocean,
I cannot drive the streets at night,
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind,
So you’re gone, and I’m haunted,
And I bet you are just fine,
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?
Brian knew this was written before he and Leslie had talked, but this was the essence of her thoughts and feelings and he cherished it. If she could only fathom how much hurt he was feeling himself, but he had no way of communicating to her just how horrible he felt.
He sang the chorus one last time, feeling his heart constrict painfully at the finality to their sinful and bittersweet relationship:
Goodbye my almost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I’m trying not to think about you,
Can’t you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you,
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do…
The notes faded into silence and Jimmy suddenly laughed heartily, taking his hands off the keys, “Bloody great song.”
Brian smiled sadly, flinching at the harsh laughter piercing his somber state, “Yeah, it is.”
Jim took the pages off of the stand and handed them back to Brian, “She should record this shit.”
“I don’t know if she’d really be up for that,” Brian claimed, taking the pages tenderly. Jim shrugged, “Just a suggestion. Well, hey, if you need me for anything else, just holler alright?”
Brian nodded, “Thanks man. I appreciate it.”
“No problem,” Jimmy grinned, slapping his hand on Brian’s back as he stood up. He turned to leave but then paused, looking at Brian curiously, “It said on the front that it was inspired by a true story.”
Brian didn’t respond, but just looked at him warily. Jim narrowed his eyes, “She’s with Nick isn’t she?”
Brian nodded slowly, wondering where this was going.
“Huh,” he looked thoughtful. “Well, whoever did that to her sure did a number on her. The guy sounds like a douchebag.”
Brian couldn’t help but smile at that comment, “Yeah, a real bonafide douchebag.”
Jim reached out and clapped Brian’s back once more before turning on his heel and leaving the stage. Brian watched Jim jump down from the platforms and his eyes suddenly caught a figure standing off by the side of the stage. He froze, not expecting to see her there.
She stared back at him sadly, unflinching at the fact that he had noticed her. He made no move to go to her or to speak. They only stood there in the arena alone, silence enveloping them. An invisible connection had formed between them at that moment, and they felt everything they needed to feel without the actual manifestation of words being necessary. For several moments, they only stared, this silent communication drifting between them, and then Leslie smiled. It was a small smile, but it was genuine. To an outsider, it would have meant nothing, but to Brian it meant the world. So much was told in just that simple act.
It was a smile full of sadness and heartache. It was a smile full of regret and loss. It was a smile of finality.
It was, in a way, a smile of acceptance.
She nodded in Brian’s direction, waving at him slightly. He returned the smile, raising his own hand to return the wave.
And with that, she turned and walked away.
(Lyrics of Almost Lover originally by A Fine Frenzy.)
Brian entered the hotel room in a daze. The music and the lyrics from the arena still drifted in and out of his thoughts, interrupting his attempts at trying to think of something completely unrelated. He had hardly noticed Leighanne bound toward him until her arms were flung around his neck.
He stumbled back startled at the unexpected greeting.
“I missed you,” she breathed out, planting a soft kiss on his lips. He held her there in his arms, not out of wanting, but out of obligation, “I’ve only been gone a few hours.”
She pulled back, smiling, “Oh I know, but I have such great news! I’ve been so antsy waiting for you to get back.”
Brian was now intrigued, but wary. Any news that Leighanne could deliver to him was automatically put into the ‘bad’ category, regardless of her ‘good news’ claims.
“What sort of good news?” he asked. She sighed happily, clapping her hands together, “Well, I know that you wanted to come with me to the doctor, whenever that would be, but I just couldn’t hold it off any longer. I found this Gynecologist in the city and he checked me out today, and the baby’s healthy! I heard the heartbeat and everything and he even showed me the fetus on this weird television screen.”
This wasn’t what Brian was expecting, and instead of taking the news of the baby being healthy as a good thing, he found himself growing angry, “You went without me?”
She either didn’t notice his irritation or she just flat out chose to ignore him, “I did. You’re just so busy and I didn’t think we’d ever have the time to go together, so I figured, might as well go now you know? It needed to be done.”
If only Brian knew she was lying through her teeth, but he didn’t, and he was taking this personally, “Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean you should have gone without at least talking to me about it. I could have made time. I don’t always have to go to an interview or fan meeting or promotion. Despite what you may think, family's a huge priority of mine."
Leighanne’s smile faltered slightly, but she tried to keep her composure. She hadn’t expected him to react so angrily. She knew that he had been restless about getting to the doctor to see if everything was going okay, but with her not actually being pregnant, for them to go at all would be out of the question. For her to save face and to keep such a charade going, she had formulated a plan that would appease him for the time being until she was ready to either admit to her lie or pose another one to cover the original up.
“Why are you so angry?” she asked, trying as hard as she could to act oblivious.
“Why am I angry!?” He sputtered. He threw his bag down and walked further into the room, huffing loudly, “You’re doing it again! We talked about this already Leigh. You did this with the wedding and now you’re doing it with the baby. You’re leaving me out of it. It’s like I don’t even exist!”
“That’s not true!” she was frantically trying to come up with a way to appease him. She didn’t want to make him angry. That was the last thing she wanted. Her whole point of even doing this entire charade was to keep him with her, and besides the fact that he’d clearly been on pins and needles around her, he seemed to be genuinely making an effort to come to terms with the inevitable. She couldn’t jeopardize anything, not now, not when she’s already come this far.
“I thought you said you’d work on this?” he asked a bit more calmly. She looked at him fearfully, “I did, and I am. Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Therein lies the problem,” he muttered.
“What?” she asked, not quite sure on what he just said. He quickly retaliated, “How are we going to make this work when we don’t communicate with each other?”
She narrowed her eyes then, unable to stop her own irritation from rising to the surface at his comment, “Look, I’m trying my hardest here. You’re the one that’s been so distant!”
“Don’t try and turn this all around on me!” He yelled. “You know how busy I am! If you take that as being distant than so be it, but don’t you dare try and blame our problems solely on me!”
“I’m not!” she cried, exasperated. She pressed her palms to her temples and tried to get herself to calm down, “Brian, I didn’t mean any harm. I don’t want to fight with you.”
“And you think I do? You think I want to add a whole load of other stress to my already hectic life? Fuck Leighanne, what with the wedding and now you being pregnant, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t even know,” he admitted honestly. “I just feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. It’s like I’m not at the steering wheel anymore. I'm just being dragged day to day with no say in anything. For once I wanted to be a part of something, especially since it’s so important. Christ, we’re having a kid Leigh. A full blown, living, breathing, two legged kid, and I thought that I would finally have some control over something, and here you go blowing all that up in my face.”
Leighanne looked over at him sadly. For the first time that she had started this lie, she felt a pang of guilt, “Baby, I’m sorry.”
He sighed, his anger slowly dissipating. Under different cirumstances, he would have held his ground, but he was so emotionally exhausted that he couldn't take another blow, especially after this afternoon. He found himself submitting to the situation against his own better judgement.
He flung himself down on the couch and put his head in his hands. Leighanne tentatively sat down next to him, resting her hand on his back, “I really am. I’ll try harder, I promise. Next time I go to the doctor, I’ll let you know. We'll do everything together from here on out.”
He couldn’t make eye contact with her for the longest time, for on top of his anger and frustration, he found Leslie’s face continually flash before him. He finally looked over at her sadly, “Do you love me Leigh?”
She looked at him in puzzlement, “Of course I do. What a silly thing to ask.”
“I’m serious,” he said sternly. “Do you truly, no doubt in your head, love me?”
Worry started to creep over her, “What are you getting at?”
He contemplated her question for a moment before shaking his head. He turned away from her, “I don’t know.”
She reached out her hand to grasp his, “You love me don’t you?”
He looked down at her hand resting within his. There was a time when he relished such a moment. He used to yearn for her touch. He used to look down at their clasped hands and think about how perfect her hand used to fit within his. Now, it felt forced. There was no feeling there anymore. She was just flesh and bone, and in essence, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He glanced over at her, forcing on a small smile, “Always.”
She smiled back, her heart loosening from her wavering fear. Was he being honest? She knew deep down that he wasn’t. Of course he still cared for her, but it was obvious that things had changed between them.
Leighanne seriously began to contemplate if this was really worth it. She loved him more than anything in this world, but if that were true, could she really bring herself to string him along like she was? It wasn’t fair. If she loved him as much as she said she did, she should let him go. Why would she want to be with someone that so clearly didn’t want her? He was staying with her out of obligation. There was free will involved, but not really. She was taking advantage of him. She knew his personality and his morals and his values and she was manipulating him to keep him from leaving. She was exploiting what she knew for her own benefit.
She had spent over 3 years of her life investing all she had in this relationship and she wasn’t about to give up on it. She convinced herself that people who have fallen out of love are capable of falling right back into love; it was just a matter of time.
She leaned in and kissed his cheek gently, “I love you, you know that. With this baby coming, we have to stay strong, and I know we will. We’ve gotten through worse haven’t we?”
She had tried to make a joke, but he found no humor in it whatsoever, but he smiled all the same, “Yeah, we have.”
She squeezed his hand and he took a deep breath, deciding to let the entire situation slide. What with all the other emotional baggage in his life, he couldn’t afford to add another one to his extending list. He couldn’t bear it.
He asked quietly, feeling a bit of excitement peaking through, “So did the doctor say what sex it is?”
“The baby?”
Brian nodded, waiting for the answer. Leighanne shook her head, “It’s too early to tell, but you would want to know?”
“Yeah, I think so. We’d know what to buy for the nursery and stuff. Plus, you know me, I’m impatient. I wouldn’t be able to take not knowing what it was,” he smiled sheepishly. She giggled and kissed him once more, “Well, hopefully next time we’ll know.”
He nodded, raising her hand to his lips. He kissed her skin briefly, “Hopefully.”
If only he knew there wouldn’t be a next time. If only he knew of the future heartbreak he had yet to experience. But then again, what would life be without the unknown? You take it as it’s dealt to you and hope for the best, but then again, when it rains it pours, and in the lives of Brian Littrell and Leslie Baker, it’s only began to drizzle.
